"A sharp tap should release the bearing....."

Almost certainly a repost, but here it is anyway.

Haynes manual definitions translated:-

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.

Translation: Will be corroded into place. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: You will skin your knuckles. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Not a hope in hell. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, especially as you are now gazing at the worrying innards of an automatic gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into..

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (extra large).

Haynes: Ease ...

Translation: Apply superhuman strength to...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: "Where did that go??"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: Pliers required to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken...it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).

Translation: Your Granny could do that. So how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number. But you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).

Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You are seriously considering this, aren't you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).

Translation: OK - but don't expect me to ride it afterwards.

Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice: "Yes as I thought. Going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to hurt yourself.

Haynes: Remove retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...

Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply strong heat...

Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.

Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.

Translation: I know I've got BluTac around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.

Translation: Spend an hour searching for grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details.

Translation: None of the illustrations or notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.