The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Kpy]

An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks. The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child's mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness. One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, "Mother. This soup is a little tepid." The German child's mother is astonished. "All these years," she exclaims, "we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?" "Because, mother," answers the German child, "up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

[neilsie]

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the
little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says,
"Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa
to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please
make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm
telling you 'no'."

The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog
noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you
croak we can go to Disney World!"

[amazing 1]

A unattractive mean acting women walks into WalMart with her two kids.
The WalMart greeter ask her"Are your kids twins?"
No she says,the older one is 10 and the younger one is 7.
The lady replys in a sarcastic tone "Why, do you they look the same?
No ! he replys I just cant believe you got layed twice.

[chrisbeatty]

I'm sorry it's not a conventional joke, but this auction on a certain site is just too damn funny!!

http://tinyurl.com/fnc6u

[smokie]

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only England. They’re cr*p and we can’t be bothered.”

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, “Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub.”

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)”. He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on.

“Result from the Stadium ‘Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes).”

They can’t believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”

“No, no, I have, I’ve let you down…I got sent off after 12 minutes.”

[Fran]

  - excellent

[smokie]

Once upon a time there were two brothers.

One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.

The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.

The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.

The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.

Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.

He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?

He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

[johnevans3]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at
a business function.  He forces himself to open his
eyes and the first thing he sees are a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!  Jack sits down
and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge
black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror
and notices a note on the table:  "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love
you!!"  He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough,
there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home
after 3am, drunk and out of your mind.  You broke the
coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black
eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so
clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the
bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, "Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

[johnevans3]

and, another....

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as she
sliced her shot and the ball headed directly towards a foursome of men
playing an adjacent hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately
clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
round and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and immediately began to apologize "Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, his hands still
clasped at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed
her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender
and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that
feel?"

He replied, "It feels great but my thumb still hurts.

[Lee Self]

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress.  After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren 't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.  I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

-Lee   

[gab]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a

tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.  As the bus stopped and it was her

turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her

legs to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached

behind her to unzip her skirt  a little, thinking that this would give her

enough slack to raise her leg.  She tried to take the step, only to discover

that she  couldn't.  So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached

behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted

the step.  Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. 

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little

more and again was unable to take the step.

 

About this time, a large cowboy who was standing behind her picked her

up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,

"How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!"

 

The cowboy smiled and said, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you. 

But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."           

 

[Rhino]

Police were called to the Sunderland fc ground the stadium of plight after one of the players noticed some unusual white powder on the ground.
After tests the police confirmed it was the goal line.

[sceetum]

 

[tommy84]

What's the difference between Michael and Ralf Schumacher?
The expression on their face when someone drives in their rear-end.

Why did Villeneuve let both Mercedes pass at Jerez 1997?
He feared they roll onto him

The Scottish National Team won a match. The manager comes into the locker room and says
"Guys, you were very good. You deserved a refreshment."
"John, open the window"

What does a dutchman when Holland won the World-Cup
He turns off his playstation and goes to bed

During a manoeuvre a sign is put up on a bridge - "Detonated"
The General watches his company through his binoculars crossing the bridge by foot
The last soldier in the queue has a sign on his back - "We swim"

[Dangermouse]

A Scientist has invented a bra that prevents nipples from sticking out in cold weather and prevents boobs from bobbing up and down when walking. His mates have kicked the sh*t out of him!