The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Leftie]

What's a faucet Phil? 

And not to forget, what's pewter??

LT, check this link out.

http://www.carnmetl.demon.co.uk/pewter.htm

[Leftie]

Two Quantity Surveyors took a long safari vacation in the African bush.  One day, they took a rest, removed their packs, and leaned their rifles against a tree.  They were startled when a large, hungry - looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation.  It was clear that the Quantity Surveyors’ rifles were too far away to do them any good.  One Quantity Surveyor began to remove his shoes, and was asked by the other why he was doing that.  The man replied, “Because I can run faster without them”  The first Quantity Surveyor told him, “I don’t care how fast you can run, you’ll never out race that lion”.  The barefooted Quantity Surveyor told him, “I don’t have to outrun the lion, I just have to outrun you”.


A certain Quantity Surveyor was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the Quantity Surveyor would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at his place, which happened to be in the Highlands of Scotland.  On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.

 The friend eager to get a freebie off a Quantity Surveyor, agreed.  Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.  Early one morning, the Quantity Surveyor and his pal went to pick berries for their breakfast.  As they went around the berry patch, gathering blackberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.  Well, the Quantity Surveyor, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. 

The Quantity Surveyor ran back to his Mercedes, drove into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.  The Sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the Quantity Surveyor.  Sure enough, the two bears were still there.  “He’s in THAT one !” cried the Quantity Surveyor, pointing to the male bear, while visions of a lawsuit from his friend’s family danced in his head.  He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting a eyelid, levelled his gun and  SHOT THE FEMALE.  “Whatdya do that for?” exclaimed the Quantity Surveyor.  “I said he was in the other one!”  “Exactly, “ replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a Quantity Surveyor who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

[Christopher]

Best Out of Office Automatic Email Replies


1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

[Christopher]

5 minute management course.........

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Muzorewa]

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

No it doesn't

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator:      'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:  'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
 

[smokie]

Pidge emailed me this one

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
 
 Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you  want me to pray about for you?"
 
Leroy replies:
 
 "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.
 
 "The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the  other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.
 
  After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy:
 
 "Leroy, how is your hearing now?
 
 "Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

[Leftie]

An engineer and a quantity surveyor met in a pub to discuss a mathematical problem.
     
On a table 4 metres away was a carton of beer. The problem was to reach the table, with a first step of any size, a second step of half the first, a third step half the second and so on.
     
Quickly the quantity surveyor said this was a geometric progression, was asymptotic to zero, and no matter how many steps you took, you'd never actually reach the table, and said it couldn't be done.
     
The Engineer leapt 2 metres, strode 1 metre, minced half a metre, leaned over, picked up the beer and triumphantly declared, "F___in' near enough's good enough."

[Leftie]

THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED--DEFINITELY NOT FOR CHILDREN!!

FS,

Nice one, can I be next?

[Werner]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

[Werner]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.'
'I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right.
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the f***ing poison."

[Lee Self]

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry
for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,
'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, f -- ckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'

[Christopher]

With her £24m divorce settlement, Heather Mills is going to buy a plane.  She'll still use a ladyshave for her other leg...

[nickliv]

With her £24m divorce settlement, Heather Mills is going to buy a plane.  She'll still use a ladyshave for her other leg...

He's going to have search high and low to find a woman to fill her shoe

[Leftie]

With her £24m divorce settlement, Heather Mills is going to buy a plane.  She'll still use a ladyshave for her other leg...

He's going to have search high and low to find a woman to fill her shoe

She gets £24.3m and she didn't deserve a penny in my view.

As a vindictive loud mouthed gold digger htcib of the first order, she didn't have a leg to stand on.