The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Kev_mk3]

An interesting piece of research...

A recent study found that the kind of male face that a woman is
attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her
menstrual cycle.

It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man
with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to
a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep
in his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his a**e

[Piglet]

Is it nearly the end of half term yet?   

[Andy Zarse]

Is it nearly the end of half term yet?   

Regretably not 

Kev, to save clutterring up the main General Discussion board, there's a Jokes thread for this kind of thing, (if indeed it is your opinion that this thread is possessed of an element of humour; personally I dissent). Thank you.



<merged with Jokes thread as noted above - Steve>

[termietermite]

Summer Classes for Men Kev at

THE LIFE-LONG LEARNING CENTRE
 
 REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Feb 29, 2008
 
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
 OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8
 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

 Class 1
 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
 Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
 
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
 
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Basket and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
 
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
 
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
 
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
 
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
 
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life
Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
 
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
 
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
 
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
 
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors

[Leftie]

An Engineer, a Physicist and a Quantity Surveyor were being interviewed for the position as Chief Executive Officer for a large Corporation.

The Engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is Two and Two?”  The Engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing “Four”.

The Physicist was next interviewed and was asked the same questions.  Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.  After a consultation with the British Standards Institute, and many calculations, he returned and announced “Four”.

The Quantity Surveyor was interviewed last and was asked the same questions, At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the lamp shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices and asked, “ How much do you want it to be?”.

[geoffd]

An Engineer, a Physicist and a Quantity Surveyor were being interviewed for the position as Chief Executive Officer for a large Corporation.

The Engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is Two and Two?”  The Engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing “Four”.

The Physicist was next interviewed and was asked the same questions.  Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.  After a consultation with the British Standards Institute, and many calculations, he returned and announced “Four”.

The Quantity Surveyor was interviewed last and was asked the same questions, At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the lamp shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices and asked, “ How much do you want it to be?”.

And, so, the Quantity Surveyor got the job at Enron.....

[Leftie]

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest paths one day, when they collided at the point where the paths met. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.  When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he to had been blind since birth.  The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. 

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity, he had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.  The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.  Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that One feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed and started by winding himself around the rabbit.  After a few minutes, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet and a fuzzy ball for a tail.  I think you must be a rabbit!”

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity and proceeded to return the favour to the snake.  After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, your scaly, your slimy, you’ve got beady eyes, you squirm and slither all the time and you’ve got a forked tongue.  I’m sure you must be a Quantity Surveyor!”.

[Werner]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What elsedo you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'

[Jules G]

TENJEWBERRYMUDS

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.

You will understand what 'Tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.

This has been nominated for the best email of 2006.

_______________________________________

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and roomservice, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

[Leftie]

A woman wrote to the columnist Clare Rayner for advice.  I have a dilemma. I’m about to get married, but I haven’t been totally honest with my fiancé.  My mother is a well-known madam, my farther is a convict, and my brother is a Quantity Surveyor.  My sister sells heroin to the children at the school, she started doing that after my farther got sent to prison for molesting her.  I also have a problem, I’m wanted in three eastern countries for embezzlement.  Taking all that into consideration, this is my question:  how do I tell my fiancé about my brother being a Quantity Surveyor?.

[jpchenet]

Greg was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized
that  his wife, Mary, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in
front of  him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her
directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
   
A few days later, Greg got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
   
Coroner:' Greg, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma
to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is
that correct?'
   
Greg: 'Yes, sir, that's correct.'
   
Coroner: 'I also found a golf ball wedged up her a*se.'
   
Greg: 'Was it a Titleist 3?'
   
Coroner: 'Yes, it was.'
   
Greg: 'That was my provisional.'

[Leftie]

A woman went to her Doctor for advice.  She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn’t sure that it was such a good idea. 

The Doctor asked, “ Do you enjoy it?”  She said that she did. 

He asked, “Does it hurt you?”  She said that it didn’t. 

The Doctor the told here, “Well, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to become pregnant”. 

The woman was mystified. She asked, “You can’t get pregnant from anal sex?” 

The Doctor replied, “Of course you can, where do you think Solicitors come from”.

[Canada Phil]

Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

" No,   but I will for the faucet."



 ... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[Steve Pyro]

What's a faucet Phil? 

[LangTall]

What's a faucet Phil? 

And not to forget, what's pewter??