The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

[nickliv]

I went to B and Q today, and an old bloke in an orange shirt came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.

But I was quick, and smacked him first.

[termietermite]

When four of Santa's elves fell ill, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.  Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.  This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.  More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell onto the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of cider and a shot of rum.  When he got to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the booze and there was nothing to drink.  In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get a broom. 
Just then, the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.  He opened it and there was a little angel with a great big smile on her face.  The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.  Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[johnevans3]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell him you have a headache"

[smokie]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do
those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

[jpchenet]

An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman  (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chukling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into
bubble-gum and sell them to France."

[Nobby Diesel]

Anyone up for a game of rugby at the weekend?

Ipswich are short of hookers.

[Werner]

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."


The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.

She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head.

She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"


This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

[Bob U]

Shamelessly taken from another forum.




Father Christmas comes down the chimney to a house and sees a gorgeous leggy blonde lying provocatively on the couch with only a white fur coat on.

"Father Christmas " she says, "how about a little cuddle before you go to the next house, especially for me?"

FC says " sorry, don't have time -- think of all the 10000000's of presents I have to deliver, can't waste a moment "

"oh but Father Christmas, she says " wouldn't you like to give me a little stroke while you are here", dropping the fur coat to the floor revealing a fantastic figure, all spalled over the couch

FC says " sorry, don't have time -- think of all the 1000's of presents I have to deliver - don't want to disappoint the children "

"oh but Father Christmas, how about a little Kiss before you go " she says, lying stark naked in front of father Christmas..

So Father Christmas says, somewhat flushed, " oh all right then, as there's no way I can back up the chimney like this anyway"....

[nopanic - neil]

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading!

[Snoring Rhino]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different
each
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows
each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the
show,

"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the
flowers under
the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately
sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating
in
the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the
parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days ..

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any
longer
and said .....

"OK, I give up. Where's the f..... ship?"

[Kpy]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would
identify them as clergy.


As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals. The next morning they went to the
beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous
blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them.


They couldn't help but stare.


As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good
Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then
she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know
they were priests?


So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw
them.


Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time
topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking
toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning,
Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.


One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute
young lady."


"Yes, Father?” she said.


"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did
you know we are priests dressed as we are?"


"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."

[Abs]

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=2123638413847227335

[LangTall]

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=2123638413847227335

Good you speak French or Dutch, but for those who don't, the cellphone says: do not forget the pussycat.

[Bob U]

21st Century "Where's Wally?"