Club Arnage

Received by mail...

 Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should  go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.  They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm surei t will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her  purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

The angel says, "OK,your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged..."What was that all about? I show you two of God's  own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of  hygiene and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"
 
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

Did you translate that from a French original ??

I like your republican sense of humour ;D ;D

I don't translate it from French...

... I succeed to understand it in its original language, and it's almost untranslatable in my language.

For the Republican sense of humour, this joke is coming from the USA  :P ...

... and I'ld be too nasty a boy to translate jokes about their so-called President  :P

... and I'ld be too nasty a boy to translate jokes about their so-called President  :P


Oh go on ................ ;)

go on Gilles... G.W.B. deserves it  ;D

If I want to flight to Sebring next year, I don't want to be "personna non grata" in the USA.  8)

"If I want to flight to Sebring next year, I don't want to be "personna non grata" in the USA."

Gilles-

Don't worry about that - anyone not having an Uncle Sam passport already is ! ;) ;)

Not strictly true, Dryhen. The yanks are now quite fond of the British, for standing shoulder to shoulder in the fight against middle eastern tyranny. It has to be said that they are a little less keen on the French, due to their views on the same subject. I suspect that Gilles has been Angicised enough by this website to fool US Immigration, however.

To further separate our two cultures (as if we needed to) JD Power and Assocs have just published USA top selling new vehicles
At # 1 .... The Ford F Series (pick-up truck)
At # 2 ..... The Chevy Silverado (erm, pick-up truck)
And at # 3.....The Dodge Ram (you guessed it......)
The Toyota Camry staggers in a lowly 4th and is the first vehicle on the list that you couldn't tote an ATV in.
I confess to having a 5.9L 1500 Ram and The Mayor of Truckville has got me out of a few scrapes, but it is a wierd state of affairs when the top 3 new vehicles in this country are used as milk vans by their equivilants in Britain.
Yeee haww and all that.  

How is the old gene pool over there?  ;D

Matt -

is it the Ram3500 that has twin rear wheels, and looks like it has had Botox injected in it's buttocks ?

I think the French are a little more pragmatic and a lot less hysterical than the Americans - they let all of us lot in each year. after all.

Yes, Dryhen both the 2500 and 3500 are available as a 'Duelie' - that is to say, twin wheel rear axle and big flares on the rear fenders. Mainly offered for rednecks with particularly small penises, there are a few 'Working Joe's" who actually need a truck this gigantic.
I'd estimate that around 50% of vehicles on the road in Central FL are pick-ups and more than 90% of them have a tonneau over the bed - i.e. never used to lug stuff about. I inherited mine with the job and only rarely use it as a work vehicle.
In extremis is the Super-Ram, with an 8 litre V10 (detuned Viper engine), the Ford 150 Lightning, 4.7 Supercharged, 160 mph rubble carrier and the new Chevy SS.
All very bizarre, but wouldn't life be boring if everything was the same.

Life wouldnt be the same if the yanks couldnt do it bigger than anyone else

Matt - I'm getting dizzy from your frequently changing avatar.

sh*t, mine's disappeared!

Yes, as you can see, I'm restless. I thought I'd got really creative with my 'under hood' shot, but got seriously flamed by Robbo, who stated (rightly) that it looked like it should have had "Airfix" stamped on it.
Sadly modern GM product has gone the way of many european marques, in shrouding everything in plastic and faux carbon fiber. Ricardo and I once had a '68 Cutlass and under the hood was all fire-belching Rochester Quadra-jet, header pipes and polished rocker covers. It looked the bollocks, even though the body was falling off it.
Your car is the same. Lift the engine cover and you're presented with what looks like an industrial strength hair dryer with a domestic AC filter screwed to the top of it.  

I can e mail a photo of the 1000 a series in my mini , looks nice.... ish....

Very " well used " looking.

Post it Robbo, post it.................nostagia you know

Well, as it's engine envy we're now into, and shiny bits and pieces, here's the Pontiac 400 in my cob.



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How do I attach a pic?

In the 'attach box on the reply screen, click the browse button and select the appropriate file from your local drive.

File size must be less than 100k though.

Gotcha! Thanks Gibb - right, I'll see if I can f**k it up then!

Very nice Seve..........a little 'showy' perhaps, but that's just envy speaking ;D

Give me good old series A..........now that I can understand ::)

A V8 is just two four cylinder engines squished together (or is it the other way around?) and is pretty agricultural really.

Is this gonna work, I ask myself? I am the original technophobe....

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Bollocks!

Matt, below your message, in the attach box use browse and pick the file to upload.  Don't Preview though as this seems to f**k it up.

Alternatively, e-mail to me as on my post and i will upload it.

Yup LOL.......sorry mate

He's good at this sort of stuff, is our Steve ;)

Matt, the file name from 'properties' of your 'X' picture file is

httpwww.photohost.orggallerydata5002055Motor_1-med.JPG

without any // or /

I'm trying another route Steve - given that I have difficulty tying my own shoe laces, this could be a farly laborious process.....

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Bugger me! It worked. There'll be no stopping me now!!

Excellent, you sussed it.
I see what you mean about the plastic though.  At least there's noticable rocker covers, inlet plenums and manifolds there - and the script "5.7L".
If you've got it, flaunt it.  ;)

Won't if you don't mind Matt, but that is a VERY nice looking lump :D

Matt, this is the 350 ci small block Chevy in my mate's cob.
Admittedly, it's not a modern LS1 or LT1 but it traces it's descendants to your Corvette.


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Matt, I've transcribed your aborted uploaded picture to this working link
http://www.photohost.org/gallery/data/500/2055Motor_1-med.JPG (http://www.photohost.org/gallery/data/500/2055Motor_1-med.JPG)

which is pretty much the same as your succesfull picture.

Steve, what does it say underneath the word Cobra on the left hand rocker cover.  It's slightly obscured by the HT leads.

Something to do with Lemons ???  ;D

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I thought so....................NICE  ;D

Here is a car minus the lump!

Hope the picture appears following everyones advice!

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Absolutely correct Steve - the 350 mouse-motor has been the staple in the Corvette since the mid-50's, with notable exceptions being late'60's big-blocks and the DOHC ZR1 engines.
There was much speculation about putting an OHC motor in the C5, but low hood height (for improved forward viz and low cd) demanded the push-rod engine. Interestingly, research with 'vette owners suggested that it was torque that was most appreciated, rather than hi-tech, high revving, peaky performance and the small block certainly delivers in this regard. Mid range acceleration is insane. Although only slightly modified, my car will drive away from my bosses 360 Modena from around 70mph and cost less than half as much. Not to everyones taste, but it rocks my world.
I imagine that tin indian has a bit of grunt too. A friend of mine built a Southern Roadcraft Cobra about 8 years ago. He put a Moline 400ci crate motor in it, with a Saginaw rock-crusher and it went like the clappers. You running a manual or a slusher?  

Wahoooooooooo! I can post pictures. The server will have 20000000Gb withing the next hour!!! ;D

Hmmmm Only a minor shunt then :o

Matt,
The engine and gearbox are from a 74/75 Trans Am that my wife used to drive to work.
The ravages of the weather rotted the body work so I used the drivetrain in the cob.
So, it's a 400 cubic inch (6.6 ltr) tin indian with the usual mods like carb / cam / bottom end etc and the gearbox IS a slushbox, a TH350 with B&M guts / shift kit etc.
It certainly spanks my monkey  ;D

There's only ever going to be one winner in a train v car altercation.
That's what got Jean Rondeau, if my memory serves me right.

Cool. Nice car. What make is it?
Where are the zorsts? Under or alongside?

Looks like this guy could have walked away from it though??  Talk about lucky!!!!!  I hope he bought a lottery ticket that day!

Correctamundo Matt. What a waste.  :(

Errr Matt......AC Cobra

It's a Dax with XJS Jag front and rear suspension / diff and has twin stainless steel sidepipes which make a 'pleasant' sound  ;D

....in body shape / style only.

I was always hoping it wouldn't be so...but nice one mate

Can I go all traditional?
H



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Very smart H, twin SU's, double overhead cams, shiny rocker covers, Jag XK ?

No, Robbos mini, taken just before it's final MOT.
H

Good old umlaut frozen pees in a biscuit tin as Matt would say!

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Dave,
Do Porsche encourage any sort of DIY maintainance at all these days, or is everything sealed and labelled up as 'contact your Porsche service centre'?
I've got to say it looks challenging, I can't even start to think how you'd get at the plugs, let alone change the tax disc.
H
PS
Has anyone ever tackled the water pump in an Esprit? (and not murdered their family and neighbours afterwards)

H:
It's all about going in from the underneath (which I believe is the definition of engrailing).

I'm planning on getting a garage lift in the coming year for routine maintenance and cleaning (and so I can stuff a track car in the garage in the future), but don't have any modification plans for this motor (e.g. Stage upgrade, suspension, changing to enormous turbos and all the new cooling additions that entails).  I'm stock and banging out a lowly 415 bph - I know several dudes online who have modded their Turbos up to 700+ bph.  I struggle to comprehend what they must drive like.

Very, very nice H. How often do you get it out? (fnarr, fnarr) I'm sure I've seen this car in an episode of The Sweeney, being chased by a Gold Granada. It had two sheepskin coat clad 'faces' toting sawn-offs and hollering, "You'll never take me alive, copper".

Have not had that pleasure - but made the terrible mistake of thinking it would be a piece of piss to replace the radio antenna on the 88 IROC Camaro I once owned.
I am convinced that Chevrolet built this car with the aeriel being the core component and they just constructed the rest of the car around it. I recall a fairly desperate scene, out in my driveway on a chilly Yorkshire Sunday - it was getting dark, the entire dash was lying on the pavement, the sterring wheel was off and the wheel well liner was being blown down the street. My wife was ferrying cups of tea and gently reminding me that my ever more creative and voluminous profanity was starting to scare the neighbors. It was an ugly scene.

Matt, there's still traces of rotten fruit on the front bumper from when the market stall was taken out, and I think there may be some mush from Shepherds Bush where the spare should be...
Blimey, 415bhp standard! is that the turbo then Dave? You wouldn't last 10 minutes over here mate with all these bleedin' cameras everywhere now, just nipping down the shops for 20 Senior Service is enough to double your insurance premium.
H

I agree with Matt - H your motor looks stunning - like you could eat off it!  Mine's got some of Indiana's finest road grime all over it.

Yes, it is an 03 Turbo - quite a handy upgrade from 01 C2 I was driving before that.  It's bollocking fast and not too common in my neck of the woods, though I was in LA a month or so back and they were all over the place like mole hills in a french garden.

Is the Jag the infamous ramraid vehicle of several years back?

What a great trhead going here, H would that be the 3.8 with the gold coloured heads? Robbo I thought AC Cobra's were mandated with Ford Lumps? Dave while one can never have too much horse power Porsche are one of the few car companies that provide " fit for purpose" cars. Any time you get more than 100 hp per litre is a good time to stop messing with what ain't broke. :o Matt would you like a signature on those covers?
Canada Phil

Ramraid vehicle indeed!!

Ah, well, yes, actually you're right there Dave. It's a fair cop...
I have to say the insurance company did their stuff though, I reckon they coughed up about 10 grand, and my classic premium remains at around £200 fully comp. It's about time I got a result from those b*stards!

I have to say I've always had a hankering for an oldish 911, but every time I talk of selling the jag my mates gang up on me. The one to go for for me would be a mid seventies Turbo, but finding one that hasn't been caned or is'nt a scary banking story waiting to happen might be tricky now. Still....

Phil! Shouldn't you be covered in reindeer skins and tucked up in an igloo by now?
H

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Holy Crap - that speedo tells a tale....

Don't get Phil excited here H.  Don't you know Yetis are still a myth?  Let's keep it that way.

Hiya Phil, chipped the ice off the keyboard? If that signature is factory pilote and Powermite lookalike, Rocket Ron Fellows, I'll definately take you up on it. I'll bring the car to Sebring (along with Truckosaurus to carry the coolbox). I've managed to scalp some pit passes from First Air, who ship European teams cars over here, so if you can work your magic, I'll get you on the 'wrong' side of the wall.
Me and Fax will be at Rolex next weekend - you driving down for that one too?
H - The speedo shot looks good - being on the naughty side of 100 - but the string-backed driving gloves - or is it a twill sleeve? are inexcusable. Re older 911's - in my limited experience, I found late 70's turbo to be one of the most dangerous cars I've ever driven (due, I'm sure to my lack of skill in such a weapon). On boost, all kinds of terrifying things happen and I found it very difficult to stop the back wheels catching up with the fronts. Way too strong for me. Mid 90's 993 4S would be my slightly less insanely priced Porker. Dave's 996 TT is awesome and much more forgiving - just astronomically expensive. Your S Type is beautiful - did you restore it?    

Wotcher Matt,
My driving gloves are amongst my most treasured possesions, along with the matching pants, socks and tie, and Rick, I'll have no comments from you, or we'll be talking 'chamois leather lined lycra pants' before you can check for claggy on the waggy....
Hmm, frightening stuff about the 911 and it's handling, that's pretty well what I've heard before, but it still sounds tempting, a little like the sirens on the rocks, I know it'll be the end of me, but it sounds so damn good.
The car's a Mark 2, and yes, I bought it as a wreck from a farmer in Sussex, initially restoring it to concours, correct colour code and right number of pleats in the seats etc. All a bit mental really, and I soon got p*ssed off with the standard car so set about changing it to Coombs spec (John Coombs used to race prepare the racing Mark 2's in the 60's, Graham Hill, Roy Salvadori etc.). Barclays were quite pleased about that. It goes alright though, but I must admit that 130 does focus your attention. I don't think it would go much faster, it seems to hit a aerodynamic brick wall around there. The guy who took that photo of the speedo has not got back in the car since (2001), and sponged a lift back home with someone else.
Have a good'un at Daytona!
H

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 Keep the  Jag

I'd have to agree with Saveloy - it's a splendid machine. Looks like a fairly significant investment too. The driving gloves will have to go, however - either that, or invest in a flat cap, Terry Thomas gap between teeth and start saying "Have a care, old chap", more fequently.

That's more like it

Big H dont get rid of the string backs

When you have a classic one must dress correct. in a vetren you would were gauntlets, A vintage, sheep skin lined gloves, 60 classic string backs, and in the 70s a soft leather with little air holes cut out the back, just like mine for driving the Scimitar GTE SE6

Flat cap is of course optional, just as wing collers and afros in the Scimitar

Air-hair-lair you gorgeous creatures.

I have a piccy below of Big H in his Terry Thomas days getting out of the back of the Jag at Le Mans in the mid Eighties.

I recall him muttering "You're an absolute shower" as he made his way to his luxury fur lined tent. He told a load of German Porsche and Merc fans they were all "Absolute rotters and stinkers". He met a young lady called April and told her "Oh to be in Paris now April is here". He then bowed down and kissed her on the hand, thereby passing on his galloping gingivitus in the tobacco flavoured slother.

He was later arrested for cheating at golf.

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Blaaaaast! I nearly sh*t myself laughing at this. It's an absolute bleddy Shar. Well done Andy.

Shurly Terry Thomas was an Aston man, dear boy. Leslie Phillps is your Jag Cad, Ding Dong

Glad to see you active again Andy!!!