The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[mgmark]

wish it was a joke, but, the Indian car company Tatra are sponsoring Ferrari F1, that'll be interesting

Interesting how Tata can find the money for F1 interests, but not a few pounds for JLR.........and then beg to the UK government. 

Reported http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7793137.stm as being close to finalising £667m from the government to Tata to keep Jaguar and Land Rover afloat.  Hope that none of that is going to be used for "something else". 

Mind you, Tata and F1 is not new -Mr Tata is a Fiat Board member and they were involved with sponsoring Jordan in 2005, Williams in 2006, and software provision to Ferrari since 2007.

MG Mark 

[Papa Eric]

Many a true word, etc. etc. etc.

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

[Jules G]

THE STAFF CHRISTMAS PARTY


 
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1st November 2008
RE: Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2nd November 2008
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays.
Pauline.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2008
RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2008
RE: Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
P.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2008
RE: The F******* Holiday Party.


Vegetarian p*****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The B*tch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9th November 2008
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
John.

[Papa Eric]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh..yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SH*T." He said, "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"
 

[Papa Eric]

Anyone bored yet?

http://www.southbank-design.co.uk/turkeyshoot/index.htm

[Doris]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Papa Eric]

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN
 
·         Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
·         Do you suffer from shyness?
·         Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
 
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
 
White Wine is a safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
 
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regime of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
 
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
 
Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.
 
White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
 
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss
of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
 
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to believe that you can sing.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!

[Jules G]

oh so true

9 WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT  say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
( Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*cK YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
*Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true.

[geoffd]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.'

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No fockin' way', but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fockit' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Lawnmower Man]

My new year Resolution is 1680 x 1050.

t

[Steve Pyro]

My new year Resolution is 1680 x 1050.

t

Oooh.  Look at you with your wide screen!   

[Nordic]

GORDON BROWN was visiting a primary school and he joined one of theclasses. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
 
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,that would be a 'tragedy.'

'No', said GORDON , 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand, 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained GORDON ,'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. GORDON searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said. 'If A plane carrying you and MR. DARLING was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!'

[Bob U]

7x4 inch pure white vellum envelope, quality finest pure thick parchment paper with Olde English style black type, finished with a special edition commemorative stamp. Hand delivered by a postman in full uniform.



This is no ordinary redundancy letter  ...........  This is a M&S redundancy letter.

[jpchenet]

SORRY LIVERPOOL BOYS!!!!   


Scouse Rhapsody (to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)

Is this our Stevie?
Captain of LFC?
Arrested in Southport
All caught on CCTV.
Open "The Sun"
It's there on Page One, you'll see.
I'm just a Scouser
I need some help you see
Because I'm Huyton-born, Huyton-bred
Once a Blue, now a Red.
Whatever the truth is, it doesn't really matter to me.

[Piano: Dumm di dum dum, dumm di dum dum]

Rafa! It's Stevie here.
I've just t*watted a DJ
And they've taken him away.
Rafa, we were four points clear
But now I fear we'll throw it all away!
Rafa! Ooooooooooh.
Didn't mean to make you sigh
If I'm not back in time to play at Preston, Tinker on, tinker on, my career is all in tatters....

[Piano: Dum di dum di dum, dum di dum di dum]

Too late! It's Walton Jail.
I don't think that I can cope
I can't bend down for the soap.
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave the Kop behind and face the Bench.
Rafa! Ooooooooooo! (Anyway the sh*it blows) I don't want to go to jail I sometimes wish I'd never joined Liverpoo-ool!

[Piano, guitar and stuff]

I see a little silhouetto of Hamman
There's ,more dosh, there's more dosh if I sign for Man City But joining such a sh*ite team is very very frightening to me

Calling Barry
(It's Rick Parry)
Calling Barry
(It's Rick Parry)
Calling Barry! He's Magnific-o-o-o-o

I'm just a poor boy from a Scouse family He's just a poor boy from a Scouse family Spare him his job says Co-Coach Sammy Lee

Piano: Tinkle, tinkle tinkle

Easy come easy go! Will you let me go?
It's me, La!
No! We will not let you go!
Let him go!
It's me, La!
No! We will not let you go!
Let him go!
No no no no no no!
Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Rafa! Sammy! Get me out!
A Big House con has a shower set aside for me! For meee!

For meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[Big Guitar Riff]

So you think you can say my career's in decline!
So you think you can suggest my kids are not mine!
Oh DJ! Can't do this to me DJ!
Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right outta here!

[More guitar and then the slow bit]

My career's in tatters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters! Nothing really matters to me!

Anyway the sh*it blows!

[Cymbal: pish]

[nopanic - neil]

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling)..

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Englishman: 'We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'