The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[nickliv]

OT I know, but re. point 14 of Ricks post.

When I get in a lift, and I'm on my own, I'm in the habit of leaning against the back wall of the lift, nd closing my eyes, don't know why, I've always done it.

Got in the lift at work the other day, and was stood there with my eyes closed, and I well, see point 14 of Ricks post.

Got to my floor and opened my eyes, to discover that one of my colleagues had followed me into the lift.

[Werner]

Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near old petrol
station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them And blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He ###### near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his Crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.

[nickliv]

Livening up the day.

One Point Dares

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen

Three Point Dares

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout,"dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle".Then wink and pout 8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any p*rnography web sites.

Five Point Dares

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fakeconversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.
6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in:
"The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist 11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight”

[Steve Pyro]

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's Birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.test line.  It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her Credit Card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first, she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44.  How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

 

[nopanic - neil]

The wit of Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper - one of the best

One of his best, simple as it is, is

Spoon, Jaar Jaar, Spoon

[Bob U]

Or glass, bottle, bottle, glass.

A true genius. The only man who could walk on stage and make me laugh before he did anything.

[Martini...LB]

The wit of Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper - one of the best

One of his best, simple as it is, is

Spoon, Jaar Jaar, Spoon

This is a joke thread... you forgot the punchline or the joke...

>Martini...

[Nobby Diesel]

Someone told me a story about Tommy Cooper.........

He was in a black cab in London, and as he got out of the cab, he said to the driver

"Have a drink on me"

and thrust into the drivers top pocket his gift.

The driver thought it might be a fiver...........it was a tea bag.

[Leftie]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming
truck and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief
they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before
they enter paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the
wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous".

And so God snaps his fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says

"I want to be gorgeous too".

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the
line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on
the floor,laughing his arse off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish
will be.

The guy calms down and says:-

"Make 'em all ugly again".

[Jules G]

George Bush gets shot in a hunting accident and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell and finds the devil waiting
for him.
 
 "I'm not sure what to do", says the devil.
You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have
to stay here, I'm going to have to let
someone go.

I've got three folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go but
you're to take their place. I'll even let you decide
who leaves. George thinks that sounds pretty good so
he agrees.
 
 
The devil opens the first room. In it were Richard
Nixon and a large pool of water. He keeps diving in
and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in
hell. "No!", said George. " I don't think so. I'm not
a good swimmer and I don't think I could stay in hot
water all day".
 
 
The devil leads him to the next room. In it is Tony
Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
Tony stands over a pile of rocks swinging the hammer,
time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder",
commented George. "I would be in constant agony if all I could do was
break rocks all day".
 
 
The devil opened a third door. In it George sees Bill Clinton lying
on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked
in a spread-eagled position. Bent over him is Monica Lewinsky, doing
what Monica does best.
 
George stares st the scene in
disbelief for a while and finally says, "Yeah, I can
handle this".
 
 
The devil smiles and says, "Ok, Monica, you're free
To go".

[Jules G]

FEMALE GEOGRAPHY

    - Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas.
   
    - Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money.
   
    - Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty.
   
    - Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit.
   
    - Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is the only answer.
 

    - Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontiers. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors.
   
    - Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future.
   
    - After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan : many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there…



MALE GEOGRAPHY

- Between 15 and 70, a man is like the USA : ruled by a dick…

[nopanic - neil]

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Oh look a squirrel!

[nickliv]

I was on ebay the other day, and for some reason I ended up buying 32 metres of dark grey flannel, old stock from an ex nuns outfitters.

It was a bargain, but I don't think I'm going to make a habit of it.

[Lord Pig-Pen]

There is the new position added to the Karma sutra, it's called the social housing plumber.....you both sit at home all day on the sofa and no-one comes !!!

lady pp has some vair funni jokes to tell....

what do cats eat for breakfast?

and

what do cats eat in the summer to cool off?

hehe these are my favourite jokes atm......     ...... :-*xxxxxxxx
 

[jpchenet]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.  Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."