The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Pastis_JPC]

A newly married couple were up in the honeymoon suite.

After a suitable time spent on foreplay (newly married!!) the groom starts to 'climb aboard' but his new bride stops him.

She says 'before we do that I have a confession to make - I used to be a hooker.'

The groom hesitates for a minute then says 'That's ok, past life, occupation, all in the past.'

'No, she says, you don't understand.'

'I used to BE a hooker - I played for Wigan!'

[Papa Eric]

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighborhood on
his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the
homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway... His
wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load
of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,'
the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood
over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk
around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing
through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up
seven times....

[Fran]

Holidaymakers' complaints received by Thomas Cook Holidays (Ssrvey by Thos Cook and ABTA)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea.. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England - it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[Snoring Rhino]

We've all been there, but at least you can buy a paddle now!

[Jules G]

BOB & THE BLONDE

   
 Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
 

[Bob U]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, coconuts and the few fish that he managed to catch.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore on a boat. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank a few months ago.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made this boat out of raw materials that I found on the other side of the island.. There's lots of wood, palms and vines.

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'I found a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I used that for tools.

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walkway leading to an exquisite hut painted in yellow and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you,' he mumbles, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I've managed to ferment some alcohol. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a lovely fountain outside and I've  made a razor out of tortoise bone..'

No longer surprised by anything, the man goes to shower and shave.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'Whatever will it be next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares provocatively into his eyes ...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to well-up in his eyes.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Motors TV
 

 

[Leftie]

BOB & THE BLONDE

  
 Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
  

Lovely bit of dark humour, great mate. Jules, was the bar in Essex County?

[Papa Eric]

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of:- 

    Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 
 
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
 
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr ? gurrr ? king?

[Robbo]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: No way - he's a stockbroker
Dave: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: Oh? What's that then?
Suit: I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: It's in a pond!
Suit: Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: As it happens I've got a five bedroom house.... built it myself!
Suit: Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assue that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: How's that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: What's that then?
Dave: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: Nope
Dave: Well then, you're a w**k*r

[Papa Eric]

Inevitably, it’s started!

 
...after Michael Jackson's sudden death Gary Glitter has offered to cover some of his dates, Billy aged 10, Timmy aged 12 and Joel aged 13


What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Sir Alex Ferguson? Ferguson will still be playing Giggs this summer.
 
Reports of Michael Jackson's death are premature - he was actually found in a children's ward, having a stroke.
 
Apparently the heart attack was caused when he tripped over a pram. Doctors say that it's too early to blame it on the buggy.
 
It's ironic that he died at 3.15 - when the big hand is touching the little hand.
 
It's rumoured that his body will be melted down and made into plastic toys. Kids can play with him for a change.

[Lawnmower Man]

A scouser on the dole went in to the Job centre and asked if he took the Blow Job he had been offered would it effect his benefit?

t.

[Leftie]

Papa Eric, latest news is that he will be recycled into lego blocks.

Everyone  clicks into place with a full hand on experience.

I also understand that Ann Summers (the sex chain) is looking for more markets and a new plastic supplier for thier vibraters.

[Jules G]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope  and listened to the bird's chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your duck, 'Cuddles' has  passed away'
   
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'
   
'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,' he replied.
 
'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done  any testing on him or anything.   He might just be in a coma or something'
   
 The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned  a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
 
 As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog  stood on his hind  legs, put his paws on the table and  sniffed the duck from top to   bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
   
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a  few minutes  later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird  from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,  mewed softly and strolled out of the room.
   
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a  dead duck'.
   
The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he  handed to the woman.
 
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.  '$150!', she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'
   
The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.
 
If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150.


 

[Jules G]

Q: What do you call a Mexican peeping-tom?







A: Senor Minge.

[Steve Pyro]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude to try to figure out where he was when he spotted a woman below.  He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?  I appear to be a little off course.  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

Amazed by what she said, the balloonist stated "You must be in Information Technology!"

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help at all.  If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.  You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.  The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."