The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Papa Eric]

JUST HAD TO HAPPEN! 

The price of gasoline on the rise has contributed to the growing sales of hybrid Cars.

Only stand to reason that someone would invent a Hybrid Motorcycle!

Click on the following link

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2006/1stHybridMotorcycle.htm

[nickliv]

JUST HAD TO HAPPEN! 

The price of gasoline on the rise has contributed to the growing sales of hybrid Cars.

Only stand to reason that someone would invent a Hybrid Motorcycle!

Click on the following link

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2006/1stHybridMotorcycle.htm

Ah, the good old purple helmets!

[Papa Eric]

NEW OFFICE POLICY EFFECTIVE OCTOBER 1, 2008 

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
 
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

[Papa Eric]

girlfriend: if my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch what would you prefer?
boyfriend: eating between meals.

[Jules G]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform

the  other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he

made contact.

 

'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred?'
 
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
 
'What's it like?'
 
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have  breakfast, then off to the
golfcourse, then I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice more.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late
at night. The next day it starts again.
 
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

 

 

 

 

 'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk .'

[Nobby Diesel]

I've just read that uncertainty has now hit the Japanese banking sector and thought I'd pass this information onto you.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks.

Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal

[Jules G]

 Hi, 'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
 The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
 'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?'' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco,  would you ask me if I was Mexican? !
Would Ya?      Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no. Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear
 'And if I asked you for frogs legs,  would you ask me if I was French?'
 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?' well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says:  'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I
 asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied:  'Because you're in f***ing Homebase


 

[Jules G]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong.
 
The ship sinks and there are 3   Survivors; Bob, Tom and Sally.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, Sally felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was too immoral and she killed herself.
 
It was tragic but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.
 
After a while, Bob's and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings returned and the inevitable happened.   

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



So they buried Sally.

[Lorry]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong.
 
The ship sinks and there are 3   Survivors; Bob, Tom and Sally.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, Sally felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was too immoral and she killed herself.
 
It was tragic but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.
 
After a while, Bob's and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings returned and the inevitable happened.   

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Sally.

Then after a couple of weeks they were so disgusted with what they were doing, they dug her up

[jpchenet]

A Bishop arrives at a Hotel for a short break. As he checks in he says to the desk clerk, "I hope the Porn channel on the TV in my room is disabled"

"No, it's just normal porn" replies the Clerk. "You sick b@$tard!!"

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1  curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.

[Papa Eric]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.  My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.  They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!  There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld

[jpchenet]

NON PC JOKES!!!!!!



I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.
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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'
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why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day
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What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king
big red mark on her forehead.
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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle
with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....
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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic'

[Jules G]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.
 
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow.'
 
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
 
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like
this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
 
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit, and she
even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
 
The doctor was shocked!
 
'You asked your neighbor?'
 
The old man replied, 
 
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

The Italian alter boy.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
 
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.'
 
'Was it Tina Minetti?'
 
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
 
'I'll never tell.'
 
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
 
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
 

'My lips are sealed. '
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
 

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
 

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads