Thanks for reminding me Bob.   

I might have better luck in 06. 

Regards

DD

You've probably seen this before, but it made me smile anyway.

Apolgies to anyone of the French persuasion. 


Four people are in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young  blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes pitch dark when the train goes through a tunnel.

In the blackness there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.


The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."


The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up  soon so I can slap that French bloke again."
 

Flippin' Eck!

Sorry Paddy, call me boring, but I don't see anything to laugh at in this at all.  It's not funny if it causes another driver to swerve into the path of a truck and get mangled, is it.  Antics like this cause innocent people to get killed, while the idiots that cause the mayhem disappear.

Stunts like this are fine if they're performed by stunt drivers and confined to the movies, not on public roads.  I think both drivers should be locked up.

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that she had caused: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary... Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old, and both of you still believe in genies?"
 

Fantastic!

All I need is the porker, then!

 

That's really really good!  The guy must be a pro.

(But how did you find this Robbo?)

 

Wife comes home from clothes shopping one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman. 

She calls him all the names under the sun, before telling him she's leaving him for good.
       
He says, "OK, but hang on, don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

"Explanation? !!!  You've got an 'explanation!??" she yells.  "This had
better be good!"

He says, "Well, I was driving home from work, when I saw this here young lady hitching a lift in dirty torn clothes, with no shoes on her feet, all muddy and crying, so I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.  She thanked me and I brought her home.

She took a shower, and afterwards I gave her the underwear that
I bought you but you don't wear because it doesn't fit you anymore, the blue silk blouse and those slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once.  I also gave her the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice.  I also gave her that nice suede jacket that hasn't been out of your closet in 2 years.

When she was dressed I made her a sandwhich with the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me.

Then I showed her to the door.

She was really, really grateful for all the things I'd given her, and thanked me profusely for what I'd done for her.

Then, as she was about to leave she turned and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

And I got to thinking..............

I was really happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.  My friends liked her and encouraged me, my parents and her parents agreed we'd make a fine couple and helped us in every way.   

And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and it bothered me very much.  It was her younger sister.  My prospective sister-in-law was stunningly beautiful, twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses.  She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I got there and she said that she had feelings and desires for  me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her big sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm  going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want me, come
up and get me."

I was stunned. I just froze in shock as I watched her gorgeous ass as she climbed the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them
down to me!

I stood there for a moment, then turned, opened the door and stepped out of the house and turned towards my car.

Imagine my shock! My future father-in-law was standing outside the house with tears in his eyes!

He hugged me and said, "I am SO happy that you have passed our
little test.  I couldn't ask for better husband for my daughter, and as a reward I'm going to give you $50,000 towards a house for you both.  Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is,

..........




Always keep your condoms in your car.

Thanks, JP.  Same to you.

Already forwarded. 

Clever bit of stacking, I thought.

When I was an impoverished student in Brum in the mid 70's I saw a spanking new Vantage (as per Steve's pick, I think) pootling majestically down the high street bearing the AM V8 plate.

Cool.

I just heard that the foul-mouthed hooligan Rooney is one of 4 English players shortlisted for a FIFA award. 

What kind of message does that send to youngsters?

Was it loud enough?  

Was it hot enough?  

Did you drink enough?  

Did you laugh enough?

Was it great enough?  


Next year, my time will come.  

Next Year, me and the lad will join you.  

Can you hear that echo?

I'm surprised we've not heard more from those at the race, but the eerie silence will be broken soon enough I suppose.  

I agree.  An utter farce.  Michelin deserve to suffer massively.