The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Brian]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says. ...
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goal keeper"

[Papa Eric]

Cherie Blair's Chauffeur.
 
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving. '

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

[Papa Eric]

Ever wondered about the difference between Guts or Balls...?  There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference?  In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion.  Medically speaking, there is no difference, since both ultimately result in death.

[Jules G]

Melbourne Zoo has acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon  examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The Gorilla was on heat...
 
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.  While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. 
 
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species...
 
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
 
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'
 
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about  thus.'
 
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
 
'Wull,' said Graham,  'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500' 

[Jules G]

 It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

          Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

          Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

          Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

          Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

          Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

          Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

          Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

          Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

          Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

          Johnny is even madder than before.

          Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

          Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F  Kennedy."

          Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

          Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

          When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

          The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

          Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Jules G]

The Oldham travelling circus are looking for a new human cannon ball unfortunately they cannot find any one of suitable calibre

[Dangermouse]

I once got sacked from a circus..............I did them for fun-fair dismissal 

[Papa Eric]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[Papa Eric]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in
front of him; the other a Star of David. Many people pass by and look at both
beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the
beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is
the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a
beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of
spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the
beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the
Goldstein brothers about marketing."

[mike(liverpool boys)]

Glasgow humour!!!

A passenger plane landed at Glasgow airport and after coming to a halt the pilot gives his usual speech but then forgets to switch the intercom off.
The co-pilot asks him what his plans are for the rest of his evening and the pilot replies "well first am going for a shite and then am gonae bang the arse off that new wee stewardess" unaware every passenger has just heard every word!
The new steardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront the pilot but trips and falls right before the cockpit door. A wee glasgow wuman helps her up and says "take your time hen,he's goin for a shite first!"

[Jules G]

2010 Classes for Women
at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By WED JANUARY 27TH 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Tesco Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Golf Clubs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined   
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.   
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors..

[Brian]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins.... A boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be Christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself,  'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother he's a freekin' clueless eejit!'
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor," Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise" says the doctor.


The new mother is somewhat relieved, "Wow, that's a really beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother", she thought....’I really like Denise’


Then she asks,  "What's the boy's name?"



The doctor replies  "Denephew".

[termietermite]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

[Jules G]

I went to a casino last night and was stood next
to a guy playing Blackjack who kept having win
after win after win. I couldn't believe his luck,
then saw he was stood on what looked like
a bit of bread.

I asked him, "Mate, what's that under your shoe?"

He said. "Shhh! I'm on a roll."

[nopanic - neil]

    Loyal Blow-Up Doll Saves Owner's Life

They say that a dog is man's best friend. For an elderly Shanghai resident known as Yang, however, no dog can ever take the place of his life-saving blow-up doll.

This story begins in a residential apartment complex lodged in the dead center of Shanghai, China, where Yang has been living by himself for several years.

Yang used to reside here with his wife and son, but then his wife passed away, and soon after his son moved away to study. [...]

Yang happened to stumble upon such a set of negative comments while perusing the Internet and was so hurt by it, that he chose to commit suicide.

And so we come to January 3rd, 2010, around 4pm, when Yang jumped off the sixth floor of his apartment complex in an attempt to end his life.

Eyewitnesses at the scene were horrified, especially because it appeared as if he was clutching onto a little girl. And as he landed, there was a large bang, which onlookers assumed was Yang slamming into her poor little body.

Thankfully, it wasn't a girl or even a human. It was his blow-up doll, which immediately blew open as he crashed into it. Yang was knocked unconscious, but he soon after made a full recovery at a nearby hospital.

the sad bit if you thought this was a joke - http://www.weirdasianews.com/2010/01/28/loyal-blowup-doll-saves-owners-life/

Still makes me laugh,