Club Arnage

Club Arnage => General Discussion => Topic started by: smokie on July 22, 2003, 03:01:22 pm



Title: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on July 22, 2003, 03:01:22 pm
Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled.
 
Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.

"What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles around her."

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on July 22, 2003, 03:56:13 pm
 :o I can't wait to hear the smart remaks that are to follow .  :)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on July 22, 2003, 06:13:40 pm
Nice one Smokie!!  :D


Why do women have legs??

Have you ever seen the trail a snail leaves?!?!   ;D

Ah, the old ones are the best!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: wishy on July 22, 2003, 08:34:47 pm
And asnother old one!!!!

What do you call a woman with no legs??

A dirty c**t!!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 23, 2003, 12:26:41 am

Corporate Blunder!
Powergen has formed an Italian division. They went for the obvious company name and then they registered a domain for it in the company name. This isn't a joke - the link is live..

www.powergenitalia.com



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on July 24, 2003, 10:35:23 pm
Q.   Why do women have trouble having a pee in the morning?.




A..Have any of you blokes ever tried to open a cheese toastie.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on July 25, 2003, 06:22:00 pm
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the interior light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Peter on August 05, 2003, 12:28:56 am
Waaay up in the Apalachian Mountains a young couple have just got wed. In their honeymoon cabin the groom is waiting for his young bride  (bout 12 up there I should think) to appear from the bathroom, and out she steps.

"Esau" she says (they have that sort of name up there) "Esau, afore I come to bed I got something to tell you"

"Whats that Ellie May" he replies.

"Esau, I got to tell you Ize a virgin"

Well, Esau screams blue murder, leaps out of the bed, throws his clothes on and runs home, bursts in the door and confronts his father, sitting in front of the fire smoking his pipe. The father looks up and says

"Boy, what you doing home? You should be with your purty (like the accent?) young bride Ellie May"

"But Pa" says the lad "Ellie May done told me she's a virgin!"

"Damn" says the father "Damn! Well in that case you done the right thing coming home. If'n she ain't good enough for her own family she ain't good enough for ours"

Er, any CA members from the Appalachians?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on August 08, 2003, 10:55:22 am
 A little boy comes down to breakfast.   Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken. He goes to  feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks  a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with  a smile, and says, "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"


Title: Why Americans Don't Understand Irony
Post by: smokie on August 13, 2003, 12:46:30 pm


[attachment deleted by admin due to age]


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on August 20, 2003, 04:32:05 pm
A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband
 
"I look horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"
 
The husband replies..... "Well your eyesight's f*cking spot on"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on August 21, 2003, 02:22:41 pm
Hey Smokie,

Looking at the '24 hour' bit of the company name above the entrance door do you think the owners have permission to use this typeface from the ACO?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 03, 2003, 07:39:58 pm


[attachment deleted by admin due to age]


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 03, 2003, 08:36:57 pm
Sorry pal, Smokie beat you to it.
http://www.clubarnage.com/yabbse/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=853;start=15


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 03, 2003, 09:57:31 pm
It's really supposed to be a subtle plan to get his member(ship) up...



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 03, 2003, 11:47:46 pm
I will need to talk to my mates who are obviously very slow in sending me their holiday photos , but how do get them first , do you know Mr and Mrs from nowhereville. ??

Smokie , i have 2 cars , getting 3 would be greedy .

Do i really need to push for 4 , you can only drive one at a time.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 03, 2003, 11:51:45 pm
Smokie , i have 2 cars , getting 3 would be greedy .

Do i really need to push for 4 , you can only drive one at a time.

It's not about the cars, but the size of your member  ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 03, 2003, 11:58:20 pm
steve , this is what you are doing to my jokes !!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 04, 2003, 12:02:47 am


[attachment deleted by admin due to age]


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 04, 2003, 12:05:54 am
Unleaded or Super ??


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 04, 2003, 12:07:12 am
four Star , with addative's


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 04, 2003, 01:02:18 am
I wish my car ran on that


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 04, 2003, 09:56:37 am
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/55/32610.html

Idiot!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 17, 2003, 02:31:51 pm
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and
everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have
experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter
paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous".

And so God snaps his fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says

"I want to be gorgeous too".

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,laughing his arse off.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says:-

"Make 'em all ugly again".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on September 18, 2003, 06:28:49 pm
Red riding hood is walking thru the woods when
she see's a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road,
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road,
 Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams;
"Look, will you piss off, I'm trying to have a cr@p!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 21, 2003, 08:35:37 pm
For all you budding DIYers...

http://www.david.zen.co.uk/toolstore/


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: hgb on October 22, 2003, 09:50:32 am
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 22, 2003, 10:24:40 am


[attachment deleted by admin]


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on October 22, 2003, 06:14:04 pm
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of illness. If
 you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
 

 SURGERY
 Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment
contract.
 

PERSONAL DAYS
 Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called,
"Saturday" and "Sunday."
 
HOLIDAYS
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: January 1st & December 25th and 26th.
 
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
 Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for your dead friend, relative or co-worker. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the required funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
 
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks' notice, as you have a duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE
There is a strict 3-minute time limit on the use of the restroom
cubicles.
At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
lock and the cubicle door will open!
 
 LUNCH BREAK
a) Skinny People. Skinny people get 1 hour for lunch, as they need to
      eat more so they can look healthy.
b) Middleweight People. Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so
   they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.
c) Fat People. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time they need to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
 
THANK YOU
 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
 insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's,
consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
 
 Signed
 
 The Management


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on October 23, 2003, 06:47:18 pm
Possible the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had the guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure!!

 

Dear Sir,

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report form that I weigh135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of beginning to

experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope, and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

 

I hope this answers your enquiry.

 

Kind regards

 

 

Mike Pashby



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 23, 2003, 09:52:38 pm
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of cetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic
name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic  name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on October 24, 2003, 09:11:40 am
Excellent!!!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on November 28, 2003, 10:44:10 am
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar in Covent Garden one night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Aussies that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 30, 2003, 04:35:15 pm
A family is driving through town. The son looks over the seat and asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of breasts?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age.

"In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks their mother, "Mom, how many kind of willies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.

"In his twenties, a man's willy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yep, all dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."



With apologies to all the over-50s of course...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on December 11, 2003, 03:10:54 pm


[attachment deleted by admin - age > 25 days]


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on December 11, 2003, 04:03:05 pm
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
 
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8)You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it  in a fruit salad.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on December 11, 2003, 04:11:26 pm
25 signs you've grown up:


1 Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2 Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3 You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5 You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6 You watch the Weather Channel.
7 Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9 Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10 You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11 Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12 You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13 Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14  You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15 Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16 You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17 Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18 Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19 You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20 A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21 You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22 "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24 You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25 You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on December 15, 2003, 05:11:24 pm
This is really good.

Quantas Airlines

 

 After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
 conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
 the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
 correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
 form

 what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
 before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and
 engineers lack a sense of humor.

 Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
 submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
 engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has
 never had an accident.
 
 P = The problem logged by the pilot.
 S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.

 
 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

 S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

 S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 P: Something loose in cockpit.

 S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 P: Dead bugs on windshield.

 S: Live bugs on back-order.

 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

 S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

 S: Evidence removed.

 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

 S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

 S: That's what they're there for.

 P: IFF inoperative.

 S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 P: Suspected crack in windshield.

 S: Suspect you're right.

 P: Number 3 engine missing.

 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 P: Aircraft handles funny.

 S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 P: Target radar hums.

 S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 P: Mouse in cockpit.

 S: Cat installed.

 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

 pounding on something with a hammer.

 S: Took hammer away from midget.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on December 21, 2003, 02:14:07 am
2 snow men in a field
1 snowmen says to the other "can you smell carrotts"???


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 29, 2004, 01:03:42 am
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assalted.  

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."  

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.  

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A  beer please, and one for the road."  

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.  

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"  

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"  
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."  
"Is it common?"  
"It's not unusual."  

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?"  The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."  

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"  "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"  "No, because he's really heavy."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.  

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.  

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.  

What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 03, 2004, 01:13:10 am
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2003

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
 
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
 
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
 
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
 
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
 
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
 
War Dims Hope for Peace
 
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
 
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
 
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
 
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
 
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
 
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
 
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
 
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on February 03, 2004, 10:12:59 am
Nice one Smokie. :D  The image left by the panda headline is quite, err, quite, well, um, quite, err  :-X


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bobblehat on February 03, 2004, 02:34:12 pm
Our local rag annouced in big bold letters

Dog Wins Award at Crufts



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chef on February 06, 2004, 03:49:48 pm
A guy is stood behind a girl at the local supermarket. watching her goods being scanned he recall what she has purchased.
1 tin of beans
1 banana
1 apple
1 frozen pie
1 pint of milk
1 potato
1 carrot
1 bag of crisps
1 chesse slice
ready meal(for 1)
1 tin of soup
a small pack of biscuits

at the check out he says to the girl
"i bet your single"
the girl replies
"why yes i am but how did you know"
guy replies

"cause your minging"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on February 10, 2004, 06:00:55 pm
 FINE  - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.  

 FIVE MINUTES  - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the! five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.  

 NOTHING  - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"  

 GO AHEAD  -  (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"  

 GO AHEAD  -  (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.  

 LOUD SIGH  - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her ! time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"  

SOFT SIGH  -  Again , not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.  

THAT'S OKAY  -  This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done... "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."  

GO AHEAD!  -  At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.  

PLEASE DO  -  This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"  

THANKS  -  A woman is thanking you. Do not faint ! . Just say you're welcome.  

THANKS A LOT  -  This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on February 11, 2004, 10:29:07 am
LOL  :)  very good Russ.................



Paddy had been drinking in his local Dubllin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Irelands draw with Spain.  Mick, the bartender says, "Youll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."  Paddy spins round on his stool and steps off.  He falls flat on his faxce.  "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool, and dusts himself off.  He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.  "Shoite Shoite!"  He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine.  He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.  He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement (sidewalk in USA). He falls flat on his face.  "Bi'Jesus.....I'm fock*n' fock*d," he says.  He can see his house just a few doors down the road, and crawls to the door, and shimmies up the door frame.  He opens the front door and shimmmies inside.  He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fo*kin way".  He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom and says "I can make it to the bed."  He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.  He says "Fo** it" and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Paddy, did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says "I did Jess.  I was fo**in   p**sed, but how'd you know?"


Mick called...........You left your wheelchair at the pub!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on February 11, 2004, 11:52:29 pm
 ;D ;D ;D
Brilliant


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on February 17, 2004, 09:54:56 am
Blonde joke
 
 
 
 
Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch
As they stood at the counter one tourist asked the blonde employee:
'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you
please pronounce where we are... Very slowly?'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The blonde leaned over the counter and said,
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
'Burrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiing.' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dijon Mustard on March 03, 2004, 07:38:44 pm
Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and
discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a
bishop.  Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
"Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to
put you down, but MY son is a Cardinal.  Whenever he
walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied,
Chippendale's stripper.  Whenever he walks into a
room, people say, "OH MY GOD."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 04, 2004, 10:41:54 am
Caution

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "Beer", is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs".  Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for 'no strings attached' sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women (Ten Pinters) to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their savings, in a familiar scam known as  "a relationship".

It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer form of servitude and punishment known as "Marriage".

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please, forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Rick on March 04, 2004, 03:31:19 pm
Brilliant Steve! Already on it's way to my joke buddies!!

 ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on March 04, 2004, 03:39:50 pm
Nice one Steve..

Here's another.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

'' Top of the mornin to yer, sir'' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello'' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

''What are those, asks the attendant.

''They're called tees'' replies Tiger.

''Well, what on God's earth are dey for.'' inquires the Irishman.

''They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving, says Tiger.

''Fookin Jaysus'', says the Irishman, ''BMW thinks of everything''


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dark Warrior on March 04, 2004, 03:50:30 pm

A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that  the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive.  

After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of  miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another
survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life.

As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is... it's
Kylie Minogue! Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.  :P

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
anything".

"Well there is one thing - would you mind putting on my
shirt?" he says



"OK"



"And my trousers?"


"OK"


At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" Kylie said.

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading
towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint,
runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:













"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!
 ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 04, 2004, 05:24:09 pm
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.      

This is how it manifests itself:I decide to wash my car.                                          
                                                                           
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.                                                      

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.            
                                                                           
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
                                                                           
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.                                                      
                                                                           
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.    
                                                                           
 I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left                                                        
                                                                           
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.            

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.            
                                                                           
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.                              
                                                                           
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.              
                                                                           
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.                
                                                                           
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.                                            
                                                                           
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.                          
                                                                           
Someone left it on the kitchen table.                            
                                                                           
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.                                
                                                                           
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.                                    

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.                                                            

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.                    
                                                                           
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.                                                    
                                                                           
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.    
                                                                           
Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.          
                                                                         
                                                           


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 04, 2004, 06:02:47 pm
Oh dear, this all sounds extremely familiar - at least I thought it did - but I've forgotten.

Bugger......



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on March 05, 2004, 01:16:24 pm
LOL             Brilliant Nordic.  Reminds me of something..................now what was it?  ::)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 05, 2004, 05:00:00 pm

Paddy, the Irishman, died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.  So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean were sent for.

Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
 So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, that ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, and then he brought in Sean to identify the body.  Sean took one look at him and said Yup, he's been burnt pretty bad, roll him over".  So the mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said "Nope, that ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Sean said "Well, Paddy had two a**eholes".
"What, he had two a**eholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two a**eholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say.... "Here comes Paddy with them two a**eholes".
 


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on March 05, 2004, 05:21:41 pm
Then after he was actually identified as being Paddy, (two arseholes or not) the Solictor read his will; Paddy had asked to be buried at sea.

So Sean and Seamus put Paddy's body into a boat and rowed out from the beach. After a hundred yards Sean said to Seamus "Roight, stop the boat". He jumped out and ended up to his waist in the water. "No good" he said "It's not feckin' deep enough here".

They rowed out for another hundred yards and again they stopped the boat. Sean jumped out, this time up to his neck "No" he said "Still not deep enough".

Another hundred yards later they stopped the boat and Sean jumped out and vanished beneath the waves, leaving only his flat cap floating on the top. Thirty seconds later he spluttered to the surface.

"It's ok" he said, "It's deep enough here. Roight Seamus, pass me that spade..."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 05, 2004, 08:11:41 pm
A two seater Cessna light aircraft crashed into a graveyard near Galway. Rescue teams don't expect any survivors and have so far recovered 287 bodies!!  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 06, 2004, 10:45:35 am
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4.

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.

" Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 06, 2004, 07:21:11 pm
LMAO v good steve


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on March 08, 2004, 10:19:18 am
Sorry Brian (and other Liverpool lads) but it was sent to me from some one from Liverpool... ;D ;D

Ferrari Formula 1 team fire entire pit crew,

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's "work for the dole" scheme and employ scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session, not only were the scousers pit crew able to change the
tyres in under six seconds but within twelve seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the Maclaren team for four can's of Special Brew, a gram of speed and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower...........


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Liszt on March 08, 2004, 01:54:20 pm
Possible the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had the guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure!!

 

Dear Sir,

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report form that I weigh135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of beginning to

experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope, and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

 

I hope this answers your enquiry.

 

Kind regards

 

 

Mike Pashby



This is older than I am.  Think there was even a song with the immortal lines "and I met the barrel coming down"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on March 08, 2004, 02:23:52 pm
Sorry Brian (and other Liverpool lads) but it was sent to me from some one from Liverpool... ;D ;D

Ferrari Formula 1 team fire entire pit crew,

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's "work for the dole" scheme and employ scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session, not only were the scousers pit crew able to change the
tyres in under six seconds but within twelve seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the Maclaren team for four can's of Special Brew, a gram of speed and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower...........

Aha - this one's doing the rounds again then.

Posted back last July -  http://www.clubarnage.com/yabbse/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=848

Still, the better ones are always worth repeating  ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 08, 2004, 08:33:13 pm
For your other halves

Marriage part 1

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

 "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't
expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table  unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,   boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

 His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
  will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
  not."

> > > >>   > >   Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads,  'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads,   "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good
in bed either," and  storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to
make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband  says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite
of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,  "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on March 10, 2004, 06:52:52 pm
A little story about my Ex

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We
lost track  of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a  little of that magic.

 " Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I
said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a
few
inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying
she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she  said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung  up!




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on March 10, 2004, 07:32:01 pm
So, this futures broker gets sick of the rat race and fucks off to the Highlands of Scotland and buys a remote crofters smallholding and relaxes in solitude.
One afternoon, there's a knock at the door and on answering it, the city slicker beholds a six foot eight inch Jock, bright ginger beard, sporran, the works.
"I thought I'd better introduce myself - my name's McTavish and I'd like to invite you to a party I'm hosting tonight" booms the giant of a man.
The yuppie's feeling a bit lonesome, so he says, "Yeah, that would be great".
"Aye, but I have to warn you, there'll be a fair bit o' drinking going on" says McTavish.
"That's OK" says the broker, "I like a drop of malt".
"Aye and there'll be a good deal o' fighting going on", warns McTavish.
"Well, I'm not a violent man", says the broker, "But I can look after myself, in a pinch".
"Aye and there'll be a hell of a lot o' shagging going on", whispers the giant McTavish.
The yuppie thinks "Great, I haven't had my end away for months" and exclaims, "Sounds good to me - how many people will be there?"
So, McTavish leans down into his face and says, "Just the two of us, laddie, just the two of us".
 


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 10, 2004, 07:54:16 pm
Nice one Matt!!!!  Now, where's the phone number of the Scottish guy I used to work with!  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on March 10, 2004, 08:57:19 pm
Hey! we've started now! What? You want another one?

These two guys were stood at an airline check-in desk, at which was seated a particularly gorgeous check-in clerk, with knockers that looked like a dead heat in a Zeppelin race.
A little distracted, one of them says, "Err, two pickets to Tittsburg please".
Terribly embarrased, he turns to his mate and says, "That came out wrong - that's called a spoonerism, you know - when you think something, but it comes out all wrong".
"Really", says the other dude, "I had one of them this morning, at breakfast - what I meant to say was "Would you please pass the toast dear", but what came out was, "You've ruined my life, you fat, ugly bitch"".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ruptured Duck Motorsport on March 10, 2004, 09:16:59 pm
n Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all trapped on the roof of a burning building.
The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto. They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad, The Scotsman goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away and He splats on the pavement, dead.
Still giggling, the firemen shout to the Englishman to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavemant, high fives all around from the firemen.
Last to go is the Irishman. But he's not having any of it....
"You'll move the blanket" he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply.
"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts the Irishman.
"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies.
"But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move at least ten yards away from it..."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on March 12, 2004, 03:56:46 pm
Bit of a slow news day...

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

A tube of K-Y jelly
A rubber glove
And a mug of beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled...

Nurse! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 15, 2004, 10:08:04 am
Microsoft vs. General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?", before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on March 15, 2004, 11:13:28 am
LOL, nice one Nordic  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on March 15, 2004, 02:57:28 pm
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.


 The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5  persons."


"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."


The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over.  I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
 "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gab on March 16, 2004, 06:52:53 am
...and now a few for the old timers amongst us (I being one of the above mentioned),

    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
    car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
    situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
    wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
    The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
    A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
    "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
    ____________________________________________

    Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
    the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
    yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
    The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
    starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
    The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
    to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
    that forgetful, knock on wood."
    She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
    who's at the door."
    ____________________________________________

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
    fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
    "No," the second man replied, "it's
    Thursday."
    And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
     ____________________________________________

    A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
    home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
    "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
    Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
    two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
    ____________________________________________

    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
    asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
    said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
    Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
    back to sleep.
    A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "
    Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
    settled down to sleep.
    Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
    Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
    "Where are you going?" she asked.
    "To get my teeth!"
    ____________________________________________

    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
    She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
    guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
    An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
    Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
    ____________________________________________

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
    they had shared all kinds of activities and
    adventures.
    Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
    week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked
    at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been
    friends for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've
    thought and thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what
    your name is."
    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
    and glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
    ____________________________________________

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely
    see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
    intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
    it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
    After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
    light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
    passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
    really concerned that she was losing i t. She was getting nervous. At
    the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
    through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
    know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
    have killed us both!"
    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 16, 2004, 02:03:10 pm
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on March 17, 2004, 06:37:48 pm
I've probably told this one before as its one of my favourites and as he's been in the news a bit again here it is.

What has George Michael and a pair of wellington boots have in common.




















Ans.  They both get sucked off in bogs.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Simon (WRC GT4) on March 17, 2004, 09:33:46 pm
I've probably told this one before as its one of my favourites and as he's been in the news a bit again here it is.

What has George Michael and a pair of wellington boots have in common.















Ans.  They both get sucked off in bogs.



 ??? ??? Don't know where i've been then cos i've not heard that before  ::)

Made me laugh anyway  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 23, 2004, 10:18:19 am
Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3
rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that''s 30 dollars.”So they pay and
go up to their rooms.
Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He
gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them. On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn''t know how to split it 3
ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.

The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on March 23, 2004, 11:09:43 am
This is an easy one, I'll leave it for a bit though...
H


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Rick on March 23, 2004, 11:49:45 am
Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3
rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that''s 30 dollars.”So they pay and
go up to their rooms.
Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He
gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them. On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn''t know how to split it 3
ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.

The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?

Alimentary my dear Watson! As H sez - easy-peasy lemon squeezy. This is the sort of thing that might crop up in the 11+ - talking of which, anyone been on Friends Reunited recently - you can retake 11+ papers against the clock!! Good fun if you like that sort of thing - I'm off to stick some pins in me legs instead.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 29, 2004, 11:16:50 am

Business was bad. The boss had to dismiss one of his employees. It came down to Jack or Jill.
He called Jill into his office and said, "Jill, I have to lay you or Jack off."
"You're going to have to jack off then, cos I've got a headache," Jill responded.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 29, 2004, 11:19:05 am

A wife decides she will take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Ray! How ya doin?"

His wife is surprised and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no." says Ray. " He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Ray if he'd like his usual and brings over a Manhatten.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says
"How did she know that you like Manhatten's?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League honey.
We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Ray and says "Hi Ray. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Ray's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Ray follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, " Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight Ray."



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 29, 2004, 11:25:43 am

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope ... just when it's raining."



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on March 29, 2004, 01:41:15 pm
LOL  ;D  Very good Steve


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 29, 2004, 08:45:41 pm
Three Labrador retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything- the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.

 The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon
it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's
couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

 "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table,
postboxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.

I hopped on her back and started humping away."

 

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

 


The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 29, 2004, 10:46:17 pm

Excellent Smokie  ;D

(http://www.maxsnax.g2gm.com/images/dog_-_cartoon_14.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on March 30, 2004, 09:11:49 am


The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?

Did they spend it on whores?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on March 30, 2004, 10:44:48 am
Dunno. Never worked it out...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 30, 2004, 11:48:16 am

Blonde Joke

"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double glazed energy efficient kind.  But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.  Boy oh boy, did we go around!  Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.  There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 31, 2004, 12:38:52 am
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.  Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.  Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.  Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.  After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.  Looking underneath, he
told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on March 31, 2004, 04:59:35 pm
A man gets out of the shower on a hot morning and says to his wife.

" what do will the neighbours think if I cut the lawn naked this morning?"

His wife replies

" well they will find out that I married you for the money!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man asks his wife

" Why are you ironing your bra, you have nothing to put in it!"

His wife replies

" I iron you pants don't I"

That is it for now, save some for Le Mans.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on April 02, 2004, 01:30:47 am
Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party
in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and
music, fashion and art.

There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters,
champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim
Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and
over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his
skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "Party's just got started. How's about I
get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the
'how's yer father?'"

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the
gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in
close and whispers some instructions in her ear.
Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks
Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service
to me, do you?"

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!"
and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door
opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the
face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls............. You're only supposed to blow the
bloody Doors off..."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on April 02, 2004, 09:12:35 am
LOL.  brilliant Robbo  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on April 11, 2004, 07:04:19 pm
It’s a bit political but clever and to the point!

I come for visit, get treated regal,

 

So I stay, who care I illegal?

I cross border, poor and broke,

Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,

Say I need to see welfare.

 

Welfare say, "You come no more,

We send plenty cash right to your door."

 

Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,

NHS, it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,

Thanks to you, British dummy.

 

Write to friends in motherland,

Tell them come as fast as you can.

They come in rags on the back of trucks,

I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,

 

More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families they moving in,

But neighbour's patience wearing thin

Finally, British guy moves away,

Now I buy his house, and then I say,

Find more aliens for house to rent."

And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family (they just trash),

But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is mucho good,

And soon we own the neighbourhood.

 

We have hobby-it's called breeding,

Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?

We get free! We got no bills!

Britishman crazy! He pay all year,

To keep us illegals in comfort here.

We think UK is very good place!

Much too good for the British race.

 

If they not like us, they can go,

There's lots of room elsewhere you know....

 

SEND THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER

 



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 11, 2004, 07:55:10 pm
Hmmmmm.....this won't turn into a political thread, trust me!!

Robbo, if it disappears later, don't feel offended


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on April 12, 2004, 07:39:51 pm
Hmmmmm.....this won't turn into a political thread, trust me!!

Robbo, if it disappears later, don't feel offended
I wont as long as you diont kick me off this forum as the ferry spotters did on theirs.

Something about them being "ferry lovers " HELP !!!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on April 13, 2004, 11:58:11 am
Following todays news reports:

Man walks into a bar with a baby seal under his arm, puts the seal on a bar stool and sits down himself.
Barman looks at him with a quizical expression on his face, and asks ' What can I get you?'

Man replies ' A pint of best for me please, and a Canadian Club on the rocks for the seal '


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on April 13, 2004, 05:57:51 pm
Piece of red tarmac and a pice of green tarmac walk into a bar. Barman says to the red tarmac "I'm not serving him, hes a cycle path"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Simon (WRC GT4) on April 14, 2004, 12:38:50 am
Found this posted on another site, thought it quite good as there maybe the posibility of a good ruby murry in MB......



Sing the words to the Queen song
"Bohemian Rhapsody" for full effect

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh oooooooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh ooh ooooh
This korma is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Ooooooh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dupizza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on April 14, 2004, 07:53:13 pm
and a Canadian Club on the rocks for the seal '


 :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X

Beast         ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on April 17, 2004, 03:41:30 pm
Here are a few (sorry arsenal fans) sorry fan ;D

What do David Beckham and George Micheal have in common?

They both come in loos.

------------------------------------------------------

Why do housewives love arsenal?

They stay on top for months , then come second.

-------------------------------------------------------

Highbury Arms

Sign saying:- Don't ask for trebles as a smack in the gob usually offends.

-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a Gunner and a Alcoholic?

An alky hangs onto his doubles and trebles!

----------------------------------------------------------

What does an arsenal fan do when his team get to the champions league semi finals?

Turn off the playstion.

-----------------------------------------------------------


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on April 17, 2004, 03:43:59 pm
A small boy walks into his  mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven," Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Dad's trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling,

"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 19, 2004, 08:36:07 pm

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.
Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
 
 
 
 
 
 
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
 ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on April 20, 2004, 12:43:13 am
For those in need of a few hi tech tips can I recommend Dr Clifs Garage.

http://www.cardhouse.com/drcliff/garage/tech/techsupport.htm


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on April 22, 2004, 02:46:18 pm
According to the papers there are allegations of Michael Jackson having an affair with Victoria Beckham. Michael Jacksons lawyers deny these allegations claiming that their client was in Brooklyn at the time.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on April 22, 2004, 03:29:13 pm
 :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 30, 2004, 11:27:07 am
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk
             a) Innovative
             b) Preliminary
             c) Proliferation
             d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .. .
             a) Specificity
             b) British Constitution
             c) Passive-aggressive disorder
             d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk
             a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
             b) Nope, no more booze for me.
             c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
             d) No kebab for me, thank you.
             e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
             f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
             g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
             h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
             i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
             j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on April 30, 2004, 12:29:48 pm
Why do they use A,B,C,D,E,F,FF to define bra sizes

A- Absent
B- Barely Visible
C- Come in Useful
D- Damn Good
E- Enormous
F- Fantastic
FF- F**king Fake

 ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 30, 2004, 02:44:22 pm
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy
 with his feet propped up on a table.
 He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy,

 "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little
 lady! Why don't ya'll come on out to the bunkhouse
 and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to
 find out for herself, so she spent the night with
 him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
 Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real
 flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
 services before." The woman replied, "Don't be
 flattered . . .take the money and buy yourself some
 boots that fit.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on May 04, 2004, 12:59:01 pm
 A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
 mouth. A young nurse appears and begins to sponge his hands and feet.
 "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to
 wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my
 testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and
 takes a close look, and say's, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
 Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very
nice but, are... my... test... results... back?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on May 07, 2004, 02:04:16 pm
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
was my pager" he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand".

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and went to the loo. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and started at him.
The Irishman finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm gettinga fax."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on May 11, 2004, 12:27:20 pm
 One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.


The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewellery dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.


Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"


Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on May 11, 2004, 07:32:55 pm
'Kin ace Mark.  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on May 12, 2004, 11:55:30 am
Not a joke but...........

[attachment deleted by admin]


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on May 12, 2004, 11:56:07 am
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment, and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together, to see who comes out on top.

After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go into the woods and catcha rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls and the SAS are first up.  They done infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation.  Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakeable muffled "phut - phut" of their trademark silenced "double tap".  they emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent" remarks the trainer, and sends in the Paras.

they finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camoflage cream, fix bayonets and charge into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs.  For the next hour the woods ring wiht the sound of rifle and machine gun fire, had grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries.

eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.  "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well dne" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind their backs, whisling Dixon of Dock Green.  For the next few hours the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of walkie talkie " Sierra Lima Whisky Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you........" etc.   After what seems like an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.  "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take that squirrel back, and get me a rabbit like I asked you to 5 hours ago!"

So back they go.  Minutes pass.  Minutes turn into hours, night drags on, and turns into day.  The next morning the trainer, and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, with one eye nearly shut.     "Are you taking the p**s!!?" asks the now seriously irate trainer.




The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks "Alright, Alright,............I'm a f**king rabbit".




sorry robbo  ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Simon (WRC GT4) on May 14, 2004, 12:24:42 am
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on May 25, 2004, 04:02:42 pm
A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks “Can you fry eggs?”. “Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England“ replies the bloke... “Give me half a dozen”. So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with.
After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. “That's amazing” says the interviewer “but it must have been a fluke”. “A fluke! Give me a dozen“ says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there's now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan.

“Well then do I get the job?” “No, you piss about too much!!”



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on May 25, 2004, 04:04:07 pm
“Little Johnny is a most shy and insecure boy and is taken to the Circus. Made to sit right in the front by his Auntie, and on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to him and, thrusting a microphone under his nose says “Are you the front end of an Ass?” “No” says Johnny. “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” he replies. “Then I declare that you are no-end of an Ass” says the Clown triumphantly. Little johnny runs straight home in tears. His Mum says you must confront your fears to exorcise them from you forever and sends the poor boy back to the Circus the next day, only this time with Uncle Jim who is a master of the quick quip and witty repartie... “Watch your Uncle and learn” says Mum.
Next day and poor Johnny is back in the front row, but this time with Uncle Jim master of the quick quip and witty repartie. Enter the Clowns, who this time make for Uncle Jim (master of the quick quip and witty repartie). “Are you the front end of an Ass” they ask Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “No” “Are you the back end of an Ass” “No” says Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie. “Then I declare that you are no end of an Ass”... But before the audience could react, Uncle Jim, a master of the quick quip and witty repartie, quick as a flash said “...f**k off you red nosed, big shoed c**t”.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on May 25, 2004, 04:06:10 pm
A man was told his wife was sick, and that she either had AIDS or Alzheimers - they weren't sure which. He asked a friend if he could offer any advice... The friend suggested the following: “Take her to a remote part of the country, somewhere where she's never been before, and drop her off. If she finds her way home... don't f**k her.”


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 25, 2004, 06:13:26 pm
A man escapes from jail where he has been for 15 years.  He breaks into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in bed.
 
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.  While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
 
While he's there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Just look at his clothes.  He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.  I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.  Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.  This guy is probably very dangerous.  If he gets angry he'll kill us.  Be strong, honey. I love you."........
 
..... to which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.  He told me he was gay, thought you had a cute ass and asked if we had any vaseline.  I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong honey, I love you too."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 25, 2004, 06:17:12 pm
A man walks into a fish & chip shop with a fish under hid arm.
'Do you have any fish cakes?' he asks.
'Yes, of course,' says the fish shop owner.
'Great,' replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, 'It's his birthday'
 
 


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on May 25, 2004, 06:40:32 pm

A Fish swims into a wall...

Dam.

 ::)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 25, 2004, 06:42:11 pm
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her  castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f**k*ng think so".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ridefast on May 26, 2004, 04:16:04 pm
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters

Subject: From The Cave, Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation
.
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ..have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on May 26, 2004, 06:32:21 pm
'kin ace ridefast.  Are you now taking refuge from the jihad with your name on it!   ;) ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 27, 2004, 12:54:27 am
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "Grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.

" Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush, my Dad says it will take the contagious".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 03, 2004, 10:30:59 am
Men strike back :


How many men does  take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

 
 


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on June 04, 2004, 10:06:16 am
In a train carriage there were an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That dirty Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 04, 2004, 01:17:07 pm
A few pictures to get the humor going.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 04, 2004, 01:18:00 pm
For those of you that will not shave over the weekend


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 04, 2004, 01:18:40 pm
For the Guiness drinkers among us


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 04, 2004, 01:19:28 pm
Pre-Race preparations


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ridefast on June 09, 2004, 12:20:24 pm
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
"What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor sometimes the bull wins".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ridefast on June 09, 2004, 12:27:10 pm
And another oldie that has re-surfaced...

Subject: The joys of getting older
 
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
 
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
 
"Okay," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
 
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
 
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a ch uckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
 
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
 
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
 
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
 
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
 
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"
 
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
 
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
 
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
 
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks: "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
 
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on June 18, 2004, 01:10:11 pm
A Man staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box in Piccadilly.

Back at the hotel he rings the number.

A Lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

The Gentleman says: " I'd like a bl0w j0b, a missionary sh@g, @n@l doggy style, some mild b0ndage, finishing off with a t1t w@nk, Is that OK?

The lady says: " It sounds interesting, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first ".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on June 23, 2004, 12:30:14 pm
This is unbelievable...........definitely worth the read....

 then look at the pic....

 A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine

 Inspection Service in Adelaide. A bloke and his family were

 on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a

 week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought a one-metre high,

 rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home

 Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.

 He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard,

 and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while

 watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the

 cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver

 all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again. He

 was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the

 state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the

 state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions.

 How Tall is it? Has it flowered? etc.

 Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your

 family in the house?" The bloke answered yes. The cactus

 expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front

 nature strip and wait for me, I will be there in 20 minutes.


  Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an

 ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out

 and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said.

 A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a

 space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what

 looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He

 headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the

 cactus spraying it up and down. After a few minutes the

 flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and

 spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens

 were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert

 appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder.



  "What the hell's going on?" he says. "Let me show you" says

 the cactus man.

  He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the

 cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger

 striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of

 two hand spans.



  The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this

 type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to

 full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus

 just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders

 are flung from it, dispersing everywhere.

 They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house

 and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated:

 police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was

 allowed in for two weeks.



  And here's what one of the bastards looks like sitting on a

 full size dinner plate.




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on June 23, 2004, 04:06:03 pm
List of places I'd like to visit.

Kenya
Bali
Mexico
Sun City

Cheers Nordic!!  :o


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 23, 2004, 04:43:41 pm
Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other

How the F*ck do you drive this thing?

(http://www.inference.phy.cam.ac.uk/mcdavey/pics/2000/fish.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on June 23, 2004, 05:20:43 pm
On the night of their 50th wedding anniversary, an elderly couple have just peeled off and got into bed, when she asks him:

"Do you remember what you were thinking fifty years ago now?"

"Yup," replies her husband " I remember on our wedding night, I was thinking about sucking your t!ts dry, and f@cking you senseless!"

"Ooh you dirty old devil" she coos "And what are you thinking now?"

"To be honest," he says "I was thinking what a good job I've made of it!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Co Pilot on June 23, 2004, 05:59:55 pm
Portuguese stadium officials have announced that David Beckham's voice is going to be used to make all stadium announcements at England's Euro 2004 matches.

 

A spokesman said, "We heard he comes over the PA really well." ::)



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on June 24, 2004, 04:50:27 pm
Who has the ugliest wife?

Two guys sitting in a bar arguing  about who's wife is uglier. After
two hours back and forth arguing one says lets go to my house and I
will show you an ugly wife. So they went to his house and saw his wife
and the other guy says ya she's real ugly but now we got to go to my
house and see my wife. They pulled into the back of the house and
walked up the stairs into the kitchen and he moved a rug and under the
rug was a trap door. He stomped on the trap door with his foot and
then opened it and yelled honey I'm home and she yelled back do you
want me to put the bag on? and he said NO I don't want to f*ck you I
just want to show you to someone.
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man:      Doctor I need some more sleeping pils for the wife.
Doctor:  Why ?
Man:      She's woken up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife is so ugly that when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said "something to go in my bath" - so I got her a toaster.  

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was f**ck your brains out and suck your tits dry.”

“What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses.

The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”
 
 Report to moderator    Logged  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wifes that ugly she must have been conceived on a day trip to Sellafield. She went to bed last night for her beauty sleep and set her alarm clock for November.  When we got married it was a fairy tale wedding...... Grimm.  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't talked to my wife for 3 months.

It's not that we've had a row.

It's just rude to interrupt.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife likes to talk when I'm banging away from behind... but it's not easy to hold a phone as well.  
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make the wife cry during sex?

A. Phone her.  

Q. How do you make your woman scream during sex

A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q. How do you make your wife buck like a horse during sex?

A. Slap her arse and tell her her sister is better.  
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A. None, it should be open when given to him!

Q. What have you done wrong if your wife comes into the lounge to nag you?

A. Made the chain too long!  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the woman cross the road?

Sod the road.. what the f*ck is she doing out of the kitchen!!??  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What you call a women who washes the dishes with one hand, makes the tea with the other, does the laundry with one foot and vacuums with the other foot.

A Swiss Army wife.

Their getting worse now.

Wife to husband: There's 3 flies in here
Hubby  yes 2 are male and ones female.
How do you know that says the wife.

well 2 are on the can of beer and ones on the phone..

And the old chestnut:-

2 married women go out for a night on the town and get wasted.
On the way home one says,'I'm dying for a wee' the other says so am I, I'm bursting. I won't make it home, Lets go in that Graveyard. So of they go and do the business behind the grave stones. Hell says one, I havn't got any thing to clean myself with, I'll just have to use my knickers and throw them away. I'm not using mine says the other, they cost me £40, I'll use this bunch of flowers. So they clean themselves and go home.
Next morning hubbys are talking. Thats the last time I let her go to town. Last night she came home with no Knickers on. Thats fuuk all said the other. Mine had a card stuck up her arse that said, 'We'll never forget you'

Thats it Goodnight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a woman cum?...Who cares!!  
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women fake orgasm ..... because they think men care!  
 
Why do women get married in white??

To match the rest of the kitchen appliances!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on July 03, 2004, 02:32:05 pm
Made me smile  :)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 07, 2004, 11:04:50 am
All you can eat Curry House  ;D



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on July 07, 2004, 11:59:12 am
When in Antigua, I went in a shop called 'Crabhole Liquors', but this has to be better:
(http://www.appliedinspection.co.uk/images/image8.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on July 07, 2004, 05:43:34 pm
Well know chinese restaurant in Kings Road during 70's at worlds end was called Ho Lee Fook, or Ecstasy by the regulars.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on July 14, 2004, 05:17:51 pm

A woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she
notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy
bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy
would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive,
but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed
by his sensitive side.


She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's clothes &
and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with him, they
are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over
and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on July 14, 2004, 05:23:28 pm
One day, a young lad enquires of his mother: "How come I'm black and you're white?"
"Don't even go there," replies Mum "from what I remember of that party, you're lucky you don't bark!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 14, 2004, 05:28:03 pm
     

How to shower like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and colours.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.


How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leave in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower - Wash your face. - Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.

Shampoo hair - Make shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.  Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Partially dry off.  Fail to notice water on the floor.

Admire knob size in mirror again.

Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again.

Throw wet towel on bed. Job done!



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 14, 2004, 05:31:46 pm
Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 19, 2004, 09:03:33 pm
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob. "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 21, 2004, 12:16:18 pm
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. " Breast fed," she replied.  " Well strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.  She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously and thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, " No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Co Pilot on July 23, 2004, 03:03:47 pm
There's a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The NASA headquarters in Houston calls the shuttle after
exiting the Earth's atmosphere:

"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 go to the television screen."
The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to:

"Release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature
in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.

So the monkey makes the necessary pressure, temperature changes,
and releases the oxygen

A few moments later Houston calls again:

"Monkey number 2, Monkey number 2 go to the television screen."
The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to:

"Add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,
to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar
radiation.

So the monkey makes the necessary carbon dioxide and fuel changes, adds
the nitrogen and does the analysis of the solar radiation.

A little later on, Houston calls again:

"Woman, woman please approach the television screen."
The woman moves to the screen and sits down and just as she
is about to be told what to do she says.....


"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a f*cking thing."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dark Warrior on July 28, 2004, 12:47:29 pm
Two blokes, Jack & Mike, are in the pub Jack says to Mike  "My elbow hurts like f**k. I  think I need to see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to to do that" Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Sainsbury’s. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and costs a fiver...a lot less hassle than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Sainsbury’s… He deposits his fiver, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and w****d into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Sainsbury’s, eager to check the results. He
deposits another fiver, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better

Thank you for shopping at Sainsbury’s


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on July 28, 2004, 07:52:12 pm
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

 Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
 
The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
 Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
 
The boy says £1,000".

The Father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going  to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on July 30, 2004, 02:34:56 pm
This was posted on the Nissan 200SX owners'club website last night, and
got distributed to other sites...

"Was pulled over last night by a copper who'd followed me for a couple
of miles and breathalised.Bearing in mind I could barely stand it was no
surprise to find I was massively over the limit. This was particularly
disgraceful as I had the missus and kiddy with me in the car.

I was arrested and read my rights.It was all a very salutary experience,
especially when the copper got shirty because I found the whole business
side-splittingly funny His mate, whilst the arrest took place went and
had a good look round the car, came back and started whispering to the
other copper. They are whispering frantically at each other and neither
of them look very pleased.

Copper turns to me and starts accusing me of wasting police time, he
calls me a tw*t. I point out he's just sworn at a member of the public,
in front of an 18 month old child and that I'll report him for conduct
unbecoming.

Plod get back in their car and drive off,with the copper who'd had a
look round my car laughing his head off.

And the moral of the story for the police is....

....................
...................
..................
.................
................
...............
..............
.............
............
...........
..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.

Always check whether a car is left or right hand drive before
breathalising the guy in the right hand seat"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on July 30, 2004, 02:39:03 pm
Very good Russ, all the more reason for buying a Corvette.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Jeremy on August 07, 2004, 02:46:54 pm
Registration Card

    Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
    order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
    fill out
    the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions
    is not required, but the information will help us to develop new
    products that best meet your needs and desires.
   
1.      [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_]Comrade [_]

    Classified [_] Presidente [_] Other
    First Name: .....................................................
    Initial: ........
    Last Name: ......................................................
    Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
    Code Name: ......................................................
    Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
   
    2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
    [_] F-14 Tomcat
    [_] F-15 Eagle
    [_] F-16 Falcon
    [_] F-117A Stealth
    [_] Classified
   
    3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /......
   
    4. Serial Number: ................................................
   
    5. Please check where this product was purchased:
    [_] Received as gift / aid package
    [_] Catalog showroom
    [_] Independent arms broker
    [_] Mail order
    [_] Discount store
    [_] Government surplus
    [_] Classified
   
    6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
    you have just purchased:
    [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [_] Store display
    [_] Espionage
    [_] Recommended by friend / relative / all
    [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [_] Was attacked by one
   
    7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
    decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
    [_] Style / appearance
    [_] Speed / manoeuvrability
    [_] Price / value
    [_] Comfort / convenience
    [_] Kickback / bribe
    [_] Recommended by salesperson
    [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [_] Backroom politics
    [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
   

   8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
    [_] North America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Central / South America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Aircraft carrier
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Europe
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Africa
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Asia / Far East
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Misc. Third World countries
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Classified
    [_] Iraq
   
    9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
    purchase in the near future:
    [_] Color TV
    [_] VCR
    [_] ICBM
    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player
    [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon
   
    10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all
    that apply:
    [_] Communist / Socialist
    [_] Terrorist
    [_] Crazed
    [_] Neutral
    [_] Democratic
    [_] Dictatorship
    [_] Corrupt
    [_] Primitive / Tribal
   
    11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
    [_] Deficit spending
    [_] Cash
    [_] Suitcases of cocaine
    [_] Oil revenues
    [_] Personal check
    [_] Credit card
    [_] Ransom money
    [_] Traveller's check
 
    12. Your occupation:
    [_] Homemaker
    [_] Sales / marketing
    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
    [_] Tyrant
    [_] Middle management
    [_] Eccentric billionaire
    [_] Defence Minister / General
    [_] Retired
    [_] Student
   
    13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate
    the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
    participating on a regular basis:
    [_] Golf
    [_] Boating / sailing
    [_] Sabotage
    [_] Running / jogging
    [_] Propaganda / misinformation
    [_] Destabilization / overthrow
    [_] Default on loans
    [_] Gardening
    [_] Crafts
    [_] Black market / smuggling
    [_] Collectibles / collections
    [_] Watching sports on TV
    [_] Wines
    [_] Interrogation / torture
    [_] Household pets
    [_] Crushing rebellions
    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [_] Fashion clothing
    [_] Border disputes
    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction > >
   
    Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
    answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
    Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
    receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
    extremist groups and mysterious consortia.
   
    As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to
    win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
    Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
    McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
    Marketing Department
    Military Aerospace Division
    P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 09, 2004, 01:34:30 pm
A man wanders into the doctor's surgery.

"I have a problem, doctor" says he.
"That's what I'm here for sir. Tell me all about it." replies the medic.

"Well.. it's a bit embarrassing really..."
"Don't worry," says the Doctor, "all you say is in complete confidence".

"Well... OK..." says the man, "It's like this:
When I get home at night, after a hard day in the office, it's all I can do to fight my wife off me. She won't give me any of the food she's cooked until I satisfy her sexually, completely."
"Right, " says the medic, "is this a problem for you?"
"No! " says the man, "Not at all I love my wife dearly, and I'm glad that she loves me. It's just that, after eating my supper, she drags me to bed immediately."
"Does that feel uncomfortable for you?" asks the doctor.
"No! We make live until two or three in the morning most nights. It's great! But when I wake up she makes me do it again."
"How does she do that?" the Doctor says (a grin spreading across his face).
"You know! The same as any women would!" says our man, "After that I drag myself off to work. At the bus-stop I always meet my neighbour."
"And how does he fit into this?" asks the confused medic.
"Actually, I fit into her rather well... Too well in fact. She insists on my attention every morning."
"I think I'm beginning to understand your problem" says the doctor, "carry on."
"Well, eventually the bus comes and I make it as far as the station. It doesn't matter what carriage I take, this young girl is always in the same one. She grabs me and before I'm at my destination we're going at it. It doesn't matter what I try."
"Oh!" says the doctor, "I can see why that might make you uncomfortable".
"No it's not that!" exclaims the man, "No! When I get to work I get about an hour to organise myself before my secretary comes in. She drags me into the stationery cupboard and makes love to me there."
"Are you worried about all these women then?" asked the puzzled practitioner.
"Just listen!" commands our man, "At lunchtime, my boss take me out to lunch. See buys me a sandwich and the forces me into the toilets where she proceeds to take advantage of my manhood in every way she can."
"Well, this all sounds very uncomfortable to me, " proffers the doctor, "perhaps I could put you in touch with a solicitor to start an industrial tribunal".
"No! That's not what I want at all!" shrieks the chap.
"Well, what then?"
"After lunch my secretary detains me until 5:30 or until she is satisfied - whichever is the later. On the train home I see the young girl again. I'm pressed into more regular service that Connex South Central!
When I stagger to my bus, I'm dragged onto the top deck by my neighbour. She proceeds to work me like a mule until we arrive home. I walk into my house only to be prevailed upon by wife again!"
"Erm... I'm a bit baffled." says the doctor, "What exactly is your problem?"


"It hurts when I have a w*nk."






Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on August 09, 2004, 03:10:24 pm
Tech Support  

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

    1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

    5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

    7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

    10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

    11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't  work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it   have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

    13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

    14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
 


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 19, 2004, 07:19:12 pm
Looks vaguely familiar  ???



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 20, 2004, 06:46:23 pm

Enjoy the joke!
 

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.  After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.  Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.  Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the  perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it.

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Answer:

The perfect woman survived.  She's the only one who really existed in the first place.  Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women you can stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have  been driving.  This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Women, if you have read this too... stop reading here, this is REALLY the end of the joke.

*** Men Keep scrolling



































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!!




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 20, 2004, 07:07:06 pm
Young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man  answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home.

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
 
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
 
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
 
The Aussie said "One."
 
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101,237.64."
 
The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"
 
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ,I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power  Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him  down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
 
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's ruined, you might as well go fishing.



Title: If Men wrote Cosmopolitan
Post by: Werner on August 31, 2004, 11:50:33 am
If Men wrote Cosmopolitan Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on August 31, 2004, 06:27:51 pm
How to be a MAN
Oh so true!

 

 

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her

hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She

didn't. Jars are men's work.

 

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even

saying it to kids makes you the man

 

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A

Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning

 

the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it?

Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't

whittle.

 

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,

lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge

pile of other rubbish -noisy destruction.

 

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging

your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement.

Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while

everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're a legend .

 

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir

paint with.

 

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but

even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

 

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been

partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence

of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it

look like.

 

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes

for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the

past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

 

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need

or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

 

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!

Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

 

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It

doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed.

However,the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

 

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,

apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

 

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast

man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.

Congratulations, you are now your dad.

 

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

 

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little

changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with

any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

 

18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying

the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The

only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

 

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds,

we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it

is then.Seven. Seeya."

 

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can

Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,

technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

 

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have

toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can

stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the

beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

 

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if

you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain

haemorrhage".

 

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For

that? Are you mad, bint?"

 

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says

that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

 

25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the

shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you

while you were in hospital".




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on September 02, 2004, 06:03:28 pm
Robbo can't be the last one on this....

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next-door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"  "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.  "Great!" the husband says, "Did he give you the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 08, 2004, 10:43:46 am
Potentially vs realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned".

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that".

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity".

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically"?

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers".

The father replied "That's my boy."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Gilles on September 10, 2004, 08:48:13 am
Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to bomb next, when his phone rang. "Hello," the voice said. "This is Paddy at the Harp Pub in Ireland, I am ringing you to say me and a couple of me mates are declaring war on you!" "Well Paddy," replied Saddam, "how big is your army"

"Well lets see there's me, my brother sean, my next door neighbour seamus and the local dart team." "Ahh" said Saddam. "I must tell you that you are against 1 million men, 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured personnel carriers." Paddy then hung up....The next day, sure enough, Paddy rung again, "The war is still on Mr. Hussein." Paddy said. "We now have some infantry and equipment."

"What would that be" Saddam asked. "Well we have 2 combines, a bulldozer, and Father Murpheys Grey Fergy tractor," Paddy replied. Saddam sighed "Paddy may I tell you that my army has increased to 2 million men since we last spoke." "I'll get back to ya," Paddy said. Sure enough Paddy rang again, "Right Mr. Hussein, we've modified our two seater Harrigans ultra light plane with a gattling gun, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us."

Saddam cleared his throat lay back on his chair and said, "Paddy... I have 10000 bombers, 20000 fighter planes, and I am surrounded by surface to air lazer guided missles, and my army has incresed to 2 and a half million men since yesterday." "Oh" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring ya back" Paddy called again the next day and said "I'm sorry, but the wars been called off." "I'm sorry to hear that, why the sudden change of heart?" asked Saddam. "Well after a discussion over a couple of pints we decided there's no way we could feed two and a half million prisoners"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on September 10, 2004, 08:51:29 am
Very good Gilles, although I think I might have heard that one before  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 15, 2004, 09:49:54 am
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
   counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
   I'd really rather have a job."  The social worker behind the counter says,
   "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
   who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
   You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
   Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
   to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment
   above the garage.  The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says,
   "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 15, 2004, 09:52:23 am
No more nails - it does what it says on the tin.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 16, 2004, 04:21:26 pm
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What' s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of  strangely ( she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks  what
brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. "

The pharmacist fainted.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 17, 2004, 09:49:31 am
Get your toasting fork ready Nordic cause your gonna burn in hell. But it is very funny.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 17, 2004, 11:30:17 am
This is a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some building workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
 A young family moved into a house next to a vacant plot. One day a constuction crew turned up to build a house on the vacant plot. The young families 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her ,let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and they even gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important. At the end of the week they presented her with her own pay packet cotaining £5.
 The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate of admiration and suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and ask the little girl how she had come accross her very own pay packet at such a young age.
 The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house"
 "My goodness" said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week ?"
 The little girl replied " I will if those useless ****s at B&Q ever bring us the ****ing plasterboard.




LOL but more stars next time please Bob! smokie


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on September 20, 2004, 05:35:36 pm
Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter,
  decided they should go to college so they could get
 ahead.
 
 Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him
 to take Math, History, and Logic.
 
 "What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
 
 "Well, let me give you an example," said the
 professor. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
 
 "Sure do," the redneck responded.
 
 "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a
 yard," the professor went on.
 
 "That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
 
 "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you
  also have a house. Is that right?"
 
 "GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
 
 "And since you own a house and a house is tough to
 take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you
 have a wife. Right?"
 
 "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching
 on now.
 
 "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can
 assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual.
 Is that right?"
 
 "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most
 fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to
 take this here logic  class!"
 
 Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him,
 walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still
 waiting. "So what classes are  ya takin"? Cooter
 asks.
 
 "Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
 
 "What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
 
 "Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you
 own a weed-eater?"
 
 "No." says Cooter.
 
 "You're Queer, aintcha?"

 ??? ??? ???


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on September 20, 2004, 11:09:28 pm
Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Cherie, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said Cherie "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Winston Churchill's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Winston told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Tony's clock?" asked Cherie

"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on September 21, 2004, 06:20:20 am
"Old" is when . . .

-Your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
-Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
-A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
-You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
-Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
-When it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
-When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
-"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
-An "All nighter" means not getting up to pee!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 23, 2004, 12:44:56 pm
A Jelly Baby walks into a pub and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading for that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Bean says "No mate I'm a soft centre I always end up getting my head kicked in". So Smartie says "Don,t worry about it I'm a hard case I'll look after you". Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you look after me" and of they go.
After a few more beers in the club three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them Smartie hides under a table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with sugary chairs and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls up his battered jelly body over to the table and wipes up his jelly blood turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me"
"I was" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*****g menthol


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 25, 2004, 06:49:56 pm
This isn't a joke but I didn't think it merited a new thread of its own...

http://korwww.free.fr/stationessence_feu.avi


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on October 01, 2004, 06:40:35 pm
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised
she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat
right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going
to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He
swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek
descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name.."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."

DB (Aka Paddy)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on October 03, 2004, 11:55:55 am
LOL  ;D ;D ;D

'kin ace Del Boy


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 07, 2004, 01:50:18 pm
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on a cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied " Put them between your legs. Your body heat will soon warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up .
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied "Put them between my legs my body heat will soon warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was againin the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied Put it between my legs the warmth of my body will soon warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day he was again riding with the daughter and said "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her " Have you ever heard of a penis ?" Slightly concerned the mother said " Why, yes, why do you ask?" The daughter replies "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost don't they?"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Co Pilot on October 14, 2004, 09:57:35 am
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 15, 2004, 10:22:27 am
Women eh? Botox, boob jobs, face lifts, pierced ears, nipples, bellies and clits. Eyebrows plucked, bikini lines and legs waxed and they won't take it up the arse cos they say it HURTS!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 15, 2004, 10:55:32 am
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that
were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them.  The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.


This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.  (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8 )

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.  Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.  They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8 )

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 15, 2004, 11:25:53 am
LOL
Got to be a contender for funniest of the year.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 15, 2004, 12:03:15 pm
A touch cruel


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 15, 2004, 12:40:32 pm
LOL
Got to be a contender for funniest of the year.
Sorry Bob, due to my blackened cajun sense of humour, Superman gets the nod from me.

Sick Nordic, but ironic no the less.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 15, 2004, 03:44:51 pm
I got a great deal on eBay!!!!  An electric whhelchair and a red cape for a tenner!!!!!!!   :-\ :-[


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on October 15, 2004, 06:54:51 pm
The First Affair:

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their

passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they

made passionate love all afternoon.

 

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00

PM As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes

outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

 

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

 

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my

secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!  You've been playing golf!"

 

 

=============================================

The Second Affair:

 

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful

teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

 

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,

delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father

rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was

horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

 

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a

stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

 

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

 

 

=============================================

The Third Affair:

 

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the

dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he

examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you

off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has

to be saved for posterity."

 

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's

member.

 

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home The first

person he showed it to was his wife.

 

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and

opened up his briefcase.

 

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

=============================================

 

The Fourth Affair:

 

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening

the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly

rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

 

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're

a statue"

 

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

 

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one

for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was

said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

 

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the

kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

 

"Here," he said to the statue, " Eat something. I stood like an idiot

at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 

=============================================

The Fifth Affair:

 

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks

for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

 

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu

and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a

fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to

real money."

 

"How much money?" inquires the man.

 

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

 

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this

place?"

 

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

 

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

 

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

 

=============================================

The Sixth Affair:

 

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil

by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her

praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips

began to move slightly.

 

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

 

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

 

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have

something that I must confess."

 

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's

all right, go to sleep."

 

"No, no I must die in peace. Becky I slept with your sister, your best

friend, her best friend and your mother!"

 

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 18, 2004, 06:06:48 pm
Jack was going to get married to Jill, so his father sat him  down for a little fireside chat.

He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed  them to your mother, and said, Here honey, try these on.
 
So, she did and said, Well sweetie they're a little too  big, I can't wear them.

So I replied, ...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and  I always will. Ever since that night we have never had  any problems.

"Hmmm, "  says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try..So,on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here  babe, try these on. " So she does and says, "These are  too large,they don't fit me."

So Jack says, "  ...exactly. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will, and I don 't want you to ever forget that.

"Then Jill takes off her knickers and hands them to Jack and says,
"Here, you  try on mine. " So he does and says,
" There 's no way I  can get into your knickers. " So Jill says, "...exactly.  
And if you don't change your f****g attitude, you never will."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 20, 2004, 08:44:53 am
The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.
 
The teacher called on James to start things off.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/1.jpg)


James returned to his seat.

The teacher called on Ernie next.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/2.jpg)

Ernie returned to his seat.

Now it was Suzy's turn.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/3.jpg)

Suzy returned to her seat.

Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/4.jpg)

Jerry returned to his seat.

Kim was called to the board.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/5.jpg)

Kim returned to her seat.

About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being dirty-minded, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything. But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty. So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.

(http://www.taviz.co.uk/6.jpg)

Little Johnny had done it again.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 20, 2004, 09:00:12 am
Little Johnny does it every time


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 20, 2004, 10:23:50 am
1.What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.
 
 
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
 
Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
 
Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.
(or Britney Spears)

7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

It might be your bike.
 
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
 
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint three stripes on it.

11. 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police.

12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?

Up the "Gary"!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Rick on October 20, 2004, 10:53:27 am
OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221 (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221)

 ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 20, 2004, 02:22:05 pm
OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221 (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221)

 ;D

Mr Rick, it's very funny and original. I think we've all been to weddings like that!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 20, 2004, 04:39:48 pm
MEN'S NAMES

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, has the potential to be stalked.
Adrian - small todger, probably gay.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute but a liar and a cheater.
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule.
Andrew - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Ashley - w**k*r who's losing his hair.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl's bottoms and is well hung.
Ben - kind hearted, will do anything for the one he loves.
Bert - looks like he has been pulled through a hedge backwards and chews with his mouth open.
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - thinks everyone likes him... but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - a wanna be charmer, he's not the Messiah he's just a very, very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian, like Bruce.
Carl - thinks he's funny... he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christopher - soppy and too clingy to make a relationship last. Spends most of his life drunk and kisses like a washing machine.
Christian - very sexy and seductive, full of his self.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Clive - very sweet and adores girls, but prefers to watch.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - the lights on but no ones at home.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - sweetest guy in the world,soft and gentle but good in bed! hes a keeper!!!!!!
Darren - charming, but sleeps with men.
Daryl - smells bad, has no real mates.
David - hottie and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence. Can be gay!
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a w**k*r.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his ****.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get 'cos he's an arsehole.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy.
Ewan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different"
Fred - sucks pig's dicks & swallows the lot.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - dreams about mud wrestling girls. drug addict but willing to share.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves, treats girls like s*** also a w**k*r.
Gibberish - likes a pint but is exasperated with the behaviour of others.
Glen - the sweetest guy
Graeme - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham - will screw anything.
Grant - HORNY! But so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Harry - has back hair.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Hathem - smooth, but manipulative, not to bet trusted around young girls.
Hayden - tries hard.
Henry - has gay like movements frequently. likes to run every where. would screw welli boots.
Howard - likes small breasts
Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him... yeah right!
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
JPChenet - A drunkard and a pornographer par excellence
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - scum of the earth.
James - built like a horse. likes to bite while kissing.
Jason - big headed. never fails to grab the girls attention, full of bullshit.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
Joel - arse.
John - has no friends or life
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jon - countless two timer and bully.
Jonathon - loud, sex mad and great with it
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hottie and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating but loveable, insecure but successful.
Judith - Eats a lot, likes to feel superior.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Kane - an absolute and complete arsehole.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends. Also has a large penis.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many corn chips.
Lance - Plays with his penis cos no one else will.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurie - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet. bit of a tosser though.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Marc - an idiot, who can't spell. would do anything for sex.
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, mouthy bastard.
Matt - likes drink and is full of s***.
Mathew - has less brains than a donkey does in one of it's hoofs. Thinks constantly about porn.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl.
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mike - shag muffin.
Mohammed - small penis.
Morgan - the only thing that is big is his ego.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - nice
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big.
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - the f^$king greatest in the world, everyone loves this guy... no faults at all.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Ron - spends most of his time looking at the base of his spine, when his head is up his own arse.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves, which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - tall with sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Scott - has serious disabilities. also takes it up the butt.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - not very nice, lies to pick faults (changed now)
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Says he is the man but talks bollocks.
Smokie - tolerant, likes to fall asleep in a deck chair with a beer.
Spencer - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster.
Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
Ted - hairy, sensitive and a great shag.
Teddy - great friend, crap boyfriend. clowns have been known to look more stylish.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - extremely arrogant.
Tommy - no
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around, prefers getting done up the arse
Travis - fat and horny with the best Whats in a name... collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - happy, laughing hyena.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
Will - wishes he were popular.
William - tall, dark and handsom. ie when it's dark, he is handsom and tall.
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable.
Zack - thinks he is superman. great in bed due to ego.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.


Sorry there's no Hansgerd, Gilles or Werner.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Gilles on October 20, 2004, 04:44:48 pm
Why ANDY is not in that list ????


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 20, 2004, 07:21:58 pm
OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221 (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221)

 ;D

Very funny, but not as funny as the sellers fee he will have to dodge as the bidding is now up to £10,000,000!!!!!   ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 20, 2004, 08:46:14 pm

Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.


I resemble that remark  :'(


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on October 21, 2004, 11:05:56 am
Quote
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 21, 2004, 12:08:39 pm
Quote
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H

A quick shufty on the Berghaus website came up with these little beaties. It says:

Extrem Light Tight Pants
New for Summer 2004. Lightweight, stretch tight giving great wicking performance and a quick dry time. The brushed back to the fabric make these an ideal warmth layer.

Well, what more could you ask for H? Just make sure you get your back brushed first or your wicking performance and drying time will be compromised.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on October 21, 2004, 06:16:32 pm
Better than WD40 ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 21, 2004, 08:47:40 pm
Quote
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H


The reference for Gibberish is spot on  ;D



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on October 21, 2004, 09:36:45 pm

Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.


OK, so I'm not popular or funny. I can live with that.  :P


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on October 22, 2004, 11:33:02 am
It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish at the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson, posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich.

But before he was allowed to board a RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th. Century admirals uniform.

How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations?

You are now on the deck of the recently renamed HMS Appeasement!

Nelson ? Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.

Hardy ? Aye Aye Sir

N ? Hold on - that is not the signal I dictated to my signals officer.

H ? Sorry Sir.

N ? England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?

H ? Admiralty policy I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had devils own job getting ?England? past the censors, lest it be considered racist

N ?Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

H ? Sorry Sir, All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

N ? In that case, break open a cask of rum. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

H ? The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It?s a part of Governments policy on binge drinking.

N ? Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.

H ? I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.

N ? Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest, please!

H ? That won?t be possible Sir.

N ? What?

H ? Health and Safety have closed the crows nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

N ? Then get the ships? carpenter without delay, hardy.

H ? Unfortunately he?s busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo?c?sle, Admiral.

N ? Wheelchair access? I?ve never heard anything so absurd.

H ? Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

N ? Differently abled? I?ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn?t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

H ? Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

N ?Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

H ? A couple of problems there, too Sir. Health and Safety won?t let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don?t want anyone breathing in too much salt ? haven?t you seen the adverts?

N ? I?ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

H ? The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

N ? What? This is mutiny.

H ? It?s not that Sir, It?s just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

N ? Then how are we supposed to sink the French and the Spanish?

H ? Actually Sir, we?re not!

N ? We?re not?

H ? No Sir, The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn?t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.

N ? But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

H ? I wouldn?t let the ship?s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir You could be up on a disciplinary.

N ? But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

H ? Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it?s the rules.

N ? Don?t tell me ? Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

H ? As I explained Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.

N ? What about sodomy?

H ? I believe that is to be encouraged Sir.

N ? Thank God for that ? In that case - kiss me Hardy!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on October 22, 2004, 12:13:35 pm
Just follow the link and play the movie :D

http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/this_land_af?mid=1


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 22, 2004, 04:52:39 pm
This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin
Award for sure.......


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of
the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up
to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a
slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the
accident report form that I weigh135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of
mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 22, 2004, 05:15:31 pm
A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors, David, Darren & daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But daisy feels so bad about having s*x with both David & Darren that she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren, but they get over if and again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing ... so they buried her.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 22, 2004, 06:37:36 pm
A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors, David, Darren & daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But daisy feels so bad about having s*x with both David & Darren that she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren, but they get over if and again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing ... so they buried her.

LMAO!!!!!   :D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 22, 2004, 09:41:29 pm
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs  up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
 
Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
 
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...  "Ugh, run, amigo, run!!
 
Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
 
 
"Ees"
 
 
"Ees"
 
 
"Ees... a.... Ham bush"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on October 25, 2004, 05:39:05 pm
Mark, Mark, Mark...................Really not quite up to scratch old boy.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on October 26, 2004, 05:59:18 pm
One for Mr. Brown I think....

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95


BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision US NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision


BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.


US NAVY: This is the captain of US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.


BRITISH: Negative i say again divert your course.


US NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITES STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU  CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. F*ck off


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 26, 2004, 07:57:25 pm
Yup, true story.

(http://webhome.idirect.com/~rtcind/capricorn/lighthouse7.gif)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 27, 2004, 06:04:20 pm
Hope this attachment works.

This ain't no joke guys!!!!!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 27, 2004, 07:55:49 pm
Hey folks, christmas is coming and this puts a whole new perspective on nutcrackers.  After you view this, just think about the possibilities. :P :P :P
http://www.visit4info.com/details.cfm?id=13654&version=2&type=coolad


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 27, 2004, 08:51:37 pm
Brings a tear to the eye  :'(


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ruptured Duck Motorsport on October 28, 2004, 07:05:33 pm
HIGHLIGHTS OF THE EDINBURGH FRINGE


First dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died...  Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
 Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
 
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.
 Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
 Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
 Susan Murray at the Underbelly

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we're not going to get much done."
 Jimmy Carr at the ICC
 
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
 Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
 
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking
he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the ICC
 
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?"    And   you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ....
Self-raising?"
 Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
 
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.
 Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
 
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
 Jimmy Carr
 
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
 Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
 
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
 Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
 
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
it was a bloody hoax.
 Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
 
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.
 Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
 
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
 Chris Addison at the Pleasance
 
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our
family holidays in Customs.
 Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
 
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind
legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
enjoying it as well.
 Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
 
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?"  The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
 Steven Alan Green at C34
 
Hey - you want to feel really handsome?  Go shopping at Asda.
 Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
 
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got
one!"
 Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people.  It's a piece of cake.
 Chris Addison at the Pleasance
 
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very
good at it.
 Arnold Brown at The Stand
 
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.  They're trained
for that.
 Milton Jones at the Underbelly
 
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign: "This door is alarmed."  I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
 Arnold Brown at The Stand


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 29, 2004, 10:11:50 am
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your breasts" he says.

"You dirty git", shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my
husband."

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe so the barmaid
accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
your arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms.

Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.  "One more
chance"says the barmaid.

"Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then
drink every last drop."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up, Love?" he asks.

"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts
and lick the sweat off" she says.

"'ll kill him, where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"And then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with
Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat, returns to his armchair and switches the
telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness..."



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on November 01, 2004, 05:14:58 pm
Frequently Asked Questions at the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the
same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my
Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on November 03, 2004, 10:40:57 am
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that enough was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called, a vasectomy
that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A far less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held The
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle, all of Wales and
most areas of Western Sydney


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 03, 2004, 08:13:01 pm
From Pidge in Florida...why did it make me think of Rusty's Friday night bash?

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antoniocity park.  The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment And I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their minds.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing,sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 04, 2004, 07:46:14 am
A woman took a very limp duck to a veterinary surgery. As she lay her peton the table the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry but your pet has passed away"
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"
"Yes I am sure the duck is dead" he replied.
"How can you be so sure" she protested "You havn't done any tests on him or anything, he might just be in a coma"
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black labrador retriever. As the ducks owner looked on in amazment, the dog stood on it's hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed he duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook hishead. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few minutes later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the duck from beak to tail and back again. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook it's head, meowed softly jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm soory, but as I said this is a most definitly, 100% certifiably a dead duck"
He then turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the wpman.
The ducks owner, still in shock, took the bill
"£150" she said "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry, If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have been £20. But what with the lab report and the cat scan, it all adds up"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: gibberish on November 04, 2004, 04:48:14 pm
From Pidge in Florida...why did it make me think of Rusty's Friday night bash?



 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Brilliant Smokie.  I was howling at the end.  Funniest thing I've read in ages.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on November 05, 2004, 10:16:32 am
A large woman walked into a bar with a sleeveless dress in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she  pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy  a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at  the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter  and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your  business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got  to be a ballerina."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on November 19, 2004, 03:52:39 pm
Nice one Nordic!  Here's one.

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 25, 2004, 02:06:00 pm
You'll have seen these before - I have - but they still make me chuckle...

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife £275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 25, 2004, 04:37:42 pm
Another one ona Legal theme-

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.....  

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a  two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for  contempt."



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 26, 2004, 10:40:22 am
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The New Zealander is shocked!

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?"

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "The horse doesn't talk."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "No worries."

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 26, 2004, 01:33:25 pm
Not a joke but made me laugh none the less!



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 26, 2004, 04:44:24 pm
DOUGLAS THE CRAB
----------------

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only
walk sideways."

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic olivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye.






There was a deadly hush..................................









For quite a while...........................









Finally, the crab spoke.......
















"f**k, I'm pissed."



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 26, 2004, 04:50:02 pm
Brilliant Steve. I was just about to pack up and go home but checked the joke thread first and that one has  set me up for the weekend. ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on November 26, 2004, 08:14:30 pm
Bloody French drivers!!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/carincident.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on November 26, 2004, 10:50:01 pm
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell, and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong
to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

 ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on December 03, 2004, 11:30:59 am
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly
gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.



St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what
do those symbolise?"



The man replied, "They're Carols"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on December 06, 2004, 01:11:46 pm
Happiest day of my life.












Walking down the aisle.











Towards my wife.











Everyone smiling.











The vicar said a few nice words.











I kissed my wife.











And then closed the coffin!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on December 08, 2004, 10:34:33 am


Subject: Cowboy and Lesbian


An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


 Last year, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Xmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of
 the  Christmas season. It was dark, cold, and wet in the Kwik Save car
   park, I noticed that I was missing the ticket which I would need
 to
get
  out of the car park, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps
 to the supermarket entrance.

 As I was searching the wet pavement, I heard a quiet sobbing. The  
 crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old.

He was  short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged fannel shirt  to protect him from the cold evening's chill.

He was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand. Thinking that he  had  got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me  his sad story.

He came from a large family. His father had died when he was seven  years old. His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.

Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped  off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy
grabbed  two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?

 The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.

 The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

 I  realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 08, 2004, 12:30:53 pm
               Witness Search


Good Day to you all,

This is a call for anyone who may have witnessed the following:
 
Yesterday, at about 14:00 all of my wheels were stolen and replaced with bricks during the period that I was out of the office having a coffee (from 10:00 to 16:00).

I am well behind in my work and now I have to waste my time with these stupidities and on top of it all I will be fired from my job!!!

If anyone of you, my dear friends, has seen anything, please let me know.
I could even go as far as offering a reward to whoever helps me.

Anticipated thanks.

PS. Here is a photo taken at the scene of the crime(theft with irritating consequences).

Once again, good day to you all.













.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on December 08, 2004, 07:11:45 pm
I know that a lot of you quite like the firework experience whilst away for the weekend, but the attached piccys demonstrate why you should not mess around with fireworks.

Or at the very least do not allow children or Germans (it is they in the pictures) to play with them!!!

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum1.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum2.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum3.jpg)

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/bum4.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on December 08, 2004, 07:17:46 pm
It's a wonderful stunt and no mistake. Wonder how long til he could sit down again? The plastic surgeon probably had to take a skin graft off of his face to stick on his arse, which is somewhat ironic. :-[

Let that be a lesson: Never return to a lit German.  ;D :D

But really, what a prize twit!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 08, 2004, 07:26:42 pm
But really, what a prize twit!

"Stupid" and "the C word" come to mind  ::)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on December 08, 2004, 07:56:06 pm
Actually, on a serious note, that top mole looks a bit iffy.

I would seriously recommend that he have that checked out in case it turns out to be malignant!  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on December 08, 2004, 08:13:19 pm
At first glance of pic #1, I thought, "Hmm, trouble brewing...." - then I thought, "Wait a minute, that looks like Jaques Villeneuve...."
The subsequent shots just go to prove that alcohol and kids don't mix.
Kinda puts Harry's 'Firey Jack' story in perspective. The quantities of phosphorus (a key ingredient of napalm) in the firework mix look like it's done the job, regarding the deep tissue burns.
That must have been f**k*ng agonising. All three arseholes concerned, need a damn good kicking.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fax on December 08, 2004, 08:28:52 pm
I'm curious, how sh*t-faced you have to be before firing a bottle rocket from your rectum sounds like a good idea?  No doubt Steve...The term dumb-f**k pretty well hits it on the screws.
John


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on December 08, 2004, 11:45:10 pm
I wonder what the bottle was used for in the first pic?
And then he endured some water sports in the final one :o


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 12, 2004, 12:39:08 pm
George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant.  Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad.  "Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"
Bush answers, "How about a  quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked  and  disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a  huff.
Cheney  leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced  'quiche'".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 12, 2004, 12:48:37 pm

Breaking News ...........

The Palestinians are going to replace Arafat with his brother Marrowfat who knows all about the peas process.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on December 12, 2004, 06:46:14 pm
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge
in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing
through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a
stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim. The conversation
falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his
boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his
face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds, and the old windsock flaps; but no
plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
”Once, my people were many, now we are few.”

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
“Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you
suppose that is?”

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth
and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
“That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet!”


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on December 15, 2004, 12:06:41 pm
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as quickly as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her mom was coming to visit, which stressed Santa out even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces.

So he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 15, 2004, 01:17:52 pm
I always wondered why we do that. Obviouse really now you have explained it.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on December 20, 2004, 02:40:55 pm
Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us
know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied,
"Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury
fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings
account certificate for 5 million For my little brother, this gold
Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to
the Country Club... takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to
spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera,
and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Faith and begorrah! - you scared me half to death, girl! I
thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on January 02, 2005, 06:38:39 pm
From another unreliable source.

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never
been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming
winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again.  "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather
Service again.  "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied.  "It's looking more and
more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 04, 2005, 01:03:38 pm
Sven-Goran Eriksson spots a turd in the England changing room.

"Who's sh*t on the floor?" he asks.

"Me Boss!" cries Emile Heskey, "But I'm not bad in the air!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 04, 2005, 01:37:41 pm
A housewife opened her door to give the postman his Christmas treat.
"Come on in" she said. Then she led him upstairs where she undressed him, then herself and made love to him. Afterwards, she made him a cup of
tea
and handed him a £5 note.

"This is a very unusual Christmas present" he stuttered.
"Actually, it was my husbands idea" she said " I wanted to give you £50.

But my husband said:` Fifty quid? No way. F*** the postman, give him a cup of tea and a fiver instead`"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 04, 2005, 02:24:43 pm
Usefull!



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 12, 2005, 06:03:43 pm
Subject: FW: Fw: letters to the Editor


 COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Abu Hamsa?
Les Barnsley, Barnsley




HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his
 multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used
it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once
again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford


So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"

do they?
Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady

stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this
turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me
stronger'. I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series

of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an
incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach


IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true.
'Absence makes the heart
grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to
spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of

my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions.
For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score

place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield


I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that
Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten
years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be
punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that
most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't
told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail


 Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering
on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once.
Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail


With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers
include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw
*at quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
 Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film,
but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit  the pan?
 Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

 I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia
 with Jenny.
 She is a great sh * g. Thanks again.
 Baz, Bondi

 Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
 with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
 Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account
 their splendid sense of humour.
 Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
 Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
 climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they
should get some faster cars.
 T Barnham, London


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 12, 2005, 06:04:49 pm
Subject: Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think
at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to
buy marijuana, press the hash key..."  

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only
Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts."  

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.  

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top
shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."  

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong
currant pulled him in.  

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your
arms off".  

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.  

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.  

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out
of his head.  Doc says "I'll give you some cream to
put on it."  

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he
picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No,
because he's really heavy"  

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!  

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.  

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.  

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat
bast**d!"  

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off.  

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the
windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."  

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my
arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go
there anymore"  

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed
into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have
recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night  


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on January 14, 2005, 01:04:21 pm
http://users.pandora.be/stefdirrix/flash/queen.htm

Turn the speakers up.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on January 14, 2005, 05:56:35 pm
This is so funny it boggles your mind.

You have to keep on trying this to see if you can out smart your right foot.

Certainly one to try late in the poo bar!!!


1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot changes direction.

 :o


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jd4breakfast on January 17, 2005, 06:33:54 pm
Elton jhon goes to a tattoo shop .I want a rolls royce tattooed on my cock. The tattooist says better make that a Land rover the amount of sh*t it has to go through !!!!


what do you call a couple that like fishing ??????  Rod and Annette




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 17, 2005, 06:59:34 pm
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating"

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

 
.....I love the next part....








"Only when he's been drinking."

 



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on January 21, 2005, 01:54:28 pm
Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the festive period?

If so encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles
again in the evening...


By the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles away..........


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on January 23, 2005, 09:27:03 pm
I'm not sure if this is a joke or not, but I had this sent to me by a girl I know. It's one of those pesky chain letter thingys and I normally trash them on reciept or write back to the sender ( and it's always females who peddle this crap) telling them to get a grip and stop being so soft headed. However, whilst I hate swimming, don't suffer from dermatitis and have no intention of kissing my dentist, I really don't want my genitals to fall off. What should I do and does anyone require me to send it to them?

God spare me from the Hot Sex Fairy.

See below:

Nyechi
>>
>>
>>
>>       1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
>>make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair
>>shine and skin smooth.
>>       ============
>>       2. Gentle,   relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
>>dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat   produced cleanses the
>>pores and makes your skin glow.
>>       =============
>>       3.  Lovemaking   can burn up those calories you piled on during
>>that romantic dinner.
>>       =============
>>       4.  Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up, unless it involves BigH. It stretches
>>   and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable
>>than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
>>       =============
>>       5.   Sex is an instant cure for mild depression.   It releases
>>endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria   and
>>leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
>>       =============
>>       6.    The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The
>>sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called
>>pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
>>       =============
>>       7.    Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES
>>MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
>>       =============
>>       8.     Kissing   each day will keep the dentist away.   Kiss ing
>>encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the
>>acid  that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
>>       =============
>>       9.     Sex   actually relieves headaches.   A lovemaking session
>>can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
>>       =============
>>       10.   A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.   Sex is a
>>natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and ha y fever.
>>       =============
>>       This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The
>>original  is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has
>>been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The
>>"Hot  Sex Fairy"   will visit you within four days of receiving this
>>message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
>>
>>       If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the
>>rest  of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals
>>  will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think
>>need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals
>>has no price.
>>
>>       Do not keep this message. This message must leave your  e-mail in
>>96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
>>
>>       Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true,
>>even if you are not superstitious.

>>




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on January 24, 2005, 01:04:09 pm
The passenger in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something."
The driver says, "Not your fault. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on January 25, 2005, 03:04:17 pm
THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper
has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.





THE MODERN BRITISH VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving.

The BBC and ITV news channels show up to provide live coverage of the
shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his
comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.

Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Democrats, the Greens and the Liberals demonstrate
in front of the ant's house.

The BBC, interrupting a Travellers' cultural festival special from
Stonehenge with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall
Overcome."

David Blunkett rants in an interview with David Frost that the ant has
gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

The Blair Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper
Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of the summer.

It is quickly passed through Parliament.

The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to
hire grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed
retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to India, and starts a successful call centre for
British banks.

The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the
last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the
government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's
old house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Neil Kinnock is appointed to
head a commission of inquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mail blames
it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of Albanian spiders,
praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural
diversity, who promptly terrorize the community.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 25, 2005, 08:23:20 pm
Rules of Manliness

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
     a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
     b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
     c. After wrecking your boss' car.
     d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
     e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax.  If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
      a Yeah, Baby, Push it!
      b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
      c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 26, 2005, 10:06:30 am
Dave, sadly was born without ears, although successful in business this
problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager
for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first guy was great.  He knew everything he needed to know and was
very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do
you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the
reply. Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the
office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything
different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a
young man who had recently earned his BSc (Hons).  He was smart,
handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two
put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man
the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to
his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear Contact lenses,
don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly
observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The
young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well,
it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears!"


This dude decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come

as different emotions e.g. fear etc .

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens

the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V

painted on his chest.
He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come
as?"
And the guy says," I'm green with NV".The host replies, "Brilliant,

come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door

to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa

wrapped around her most intimate parts.He says to this woman "Wow,

great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm

tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the
party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and

the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,

standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the

other with his knob stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both

doing?
You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like

that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come

in despair"


Title: Why I Fired My Secretary...
Post by: smokie on January 27, 2005, 05:43:28 pm
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably have a present for me.

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent...

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.....

- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there -

on the couch -









naked.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on January 27, 2005, 10:46:57 pm
good one!  LOL ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on January 28, 2005, 11:19:36 am
Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW)

 ;D ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on January 28, 2005, 12:13:33 pm
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 28, 2005, 01:10:42 pm
Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW)

 ;D ;D

Excellent!!!!  I am now the highest bidder but at $100 still haven't met the reserve.
She's in Miami so wouldn't it be great to get her to come down to Sebring sporting the Club Arnage logo!!!  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on January 28, 2005, 01:40:10 pm
Very good JPC!!
I think you should ask the seller a few questions, and request the extra photos she's offered. I note you still haven't reached her reserve yet, do we ever?
H


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on January 28, 2005, 02:00:09 pm
It looks like your "bid has been removed" (isn't it always!). She's back down to $76. Anyway, the CA at Sebring would be a laff, so I'm in for a few quid. Don't think we need four weeks of it though.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 28, 2005, 02:30:42 pm
Hi All,

Not so much a joke, but it made me smile when I saw it:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=317&item=5952634585&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW)

 ;D ;D

Excellent!!!!  I am now the highest bidder but at $100 still haven't met the reserve.
She's in Miami so wouldn't it be great to get her to come down to Sebring sporting the Club Arnage logo!!!  ;D

I'm sure she'd take a day out of her hectic Goth & DJ lifestyle to travel a few hundred miles to come to see us and really earn her $100...

Nice try tho! btw this isn't a discussion thread...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on January 30, 2005, 07:47:41 pm
JP

Have you learned nothing from past experiences on ebay?

Quote
Excellent!!!!  I am now the highest bidder but at $100

Having a speed boat tip up on the doorstep is one thing, but a goth chick with "Club Arnage" printed on her left tit might take some explaining!!

 ;) ;D

Especially when you tell your better half that you weren't pissed when you placed the bid!!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ron Jeremy on January 30, 2005, 09:26:25 pm
255 someone is really keen  :o


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on February 02, 2005, 03:24:40 pm
Heavens to Betsy! that's $2500 each!!
Will she be found in a murky parking lot wrapped up in a rolled up carpet on Monday morning?
I wish I had three bollocks.
H


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Black Granny on February 02, 2005, 09:05:14 pm
It's taxable income though!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 04, 2005, 09:57:01 am
These are the 10 First Place winners in the International Pun Contest. Enjoy!

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says: "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 07, 2005, 09:54:39 am

>  > THIS HAPPENED ON A SYDNEY RADIOSTATION

Just imagine sitting in traffic on
>  > your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folk DID hear this on the
>  > FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award
>  > winners great prizes. The game is called
>  > MateMatch".
>  >
>  > The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously
>  > involved with someone. If the contestant answers  "yes", he or she is
>  > then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also
>  > asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
>  > verification. If their partner answers those same three questions
>  > correctly, they both win a prize. One particular game, however, made
>  > Sydney drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest
>  > thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it went down:
>  >
>  >
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
>  >
>  > Contestant: (laughing)  "Yes, I have"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
>  > you win. What is your name? First name only please".
>  >
>  > Contestant:  "Brian"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Brian, are you married or what?
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Yes".
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing nervously)  "Yes, I am married"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only please"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Sara"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Is Sara at work Brian?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "She's gonna kill me"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing)  "Yes, she's at work"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "OK, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "She's gonna kill me"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Brian, stay with me here!"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "About 8 o'clock this morning"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Atta boy Brian"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing sheepishly):  "Well...."
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "About 10 minutes"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would have said that if
a
>  > trip wasn't at stake"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
> morning?"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing hard)  "I, ummm, I, well...."
>  >
>  > DJ:  "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
for
>  > a
>  > couple of weeks..."
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Uh huh"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "And the mother in law was in the shower at the time"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Atta boy Brian"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "On the kitchen table"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
>  > times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's
>  > work number and call her up. You listen to this"
>  >
>  > 3 minutes of commercials follow)
>  >
>  > DJ:  "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch
tones...ringing....)
>  >
>  > Clerk:  "Kinkos"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"
>  >
>  > Clerk:  "This is she"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now and
>  > I've
>  > been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"
>  >
>  > Sara: (laughing)  "A couple of hours?"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
>  > give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the rules of
>  > 'Mate Match'?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "No"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Good!"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing)
>  >
>  > Sara: (laughing)  "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
>  >
>  > Brian: (laughing)  "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be completely
>  > honest"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara. If
>  > your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to
>  > the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"
>  >
>  > Sara: (laughing)  "yes"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "Oh G.d, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "What time?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "Around 8 this morning"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "12, 15 minutes maybe"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect his
>  > manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one question away
>  > from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
>  >
>  > Sara: (laughing)  "Yes"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Where did you have it?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
>  >
>  > Brian:  "Just tell them honey"
>  >
>  > DJ:  "What is bothering you so much Sara?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "well..................."
>  >
>  > DJ:  "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"
>  >
>  > Sara:  "Up the ARSE!!!"
>  >
>  > After a long pause, the DJ said:  "Folks, we need a take a station break"
>  >


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 07, 2005, 10:27:08 am
I used to have the .wav file from this. Gonna have to search through the archives!!  :)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 08, 2005, 04:32:54 pm
Sorry if you've seen this before. (I have this feeling I've posted it before but I can;t be bothered to check). And if you don't find it funny. I liked it though.

 

Do you feel old?

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
Kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have
survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured
lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no child-proof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride
in cars with no seat belts or air bags - riding in the passenger seat
was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with
sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always
outside playing..

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no
one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no
one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no
lawsuits.

We had full on fistfights but no prosecution followed from other
parents.

We played knock-on-the-door-and-run-away and were actually afraid of
the owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy
or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs
of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough thought you might like to read
about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening, and it might put a smile
on your face:

The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986. They
are called youth.

They have never heard of "We are the World", "We are the children",
And the Uptown Girl they know is by West life not Billy Joel. They
have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS
has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are Films
From last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red-Hand Gang or the
Famous Five.

They'll never have applied to be on "Jim'll Fix It" or "Why Don't
You".

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they

will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile
phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night
out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably
with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You remember watching Dirty Den in East-Enders the first time
around..

7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old
days, repeating again all the funny you have experienced together.

8. Having read this, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on February 08, 2005, 04:51:18 pm
For all those who have ever been frustrated by the "London Underground"

http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/

WARNING - there is swearing on this so you may wanna turn the volume down. enjoy


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: hgb on February 08, 2005, 04:57:59 pm
I used to have the .wav file from this. Gonna have to search through the archives!!  :)

Yes please, that one is really good.  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 08, 2005, 05:10:33 pm
For all those who have ever been frustrated by the "London Underground"

http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/

WARNING - there is swearing on this so you may wanna turn the volume down. enjoy

Bloody Brilliant!!  Must remember those lyrics for Karaoke!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 08, 2005, 05:11:45 pm
Still looking for the file HGB, but here's a similar spoof about recalling a vibrator!

http://www.gonzo.org/fun/sound/recall.mp3


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on February 08, 2005, 06:41:46 pm
For all those who have ever been frustrated by the "London Underground"

http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/

WARNING - there is swearing on this so you may wanna turn the volume down. enjoy


Brilliant, tears rolling down the face brilliant ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chris (Liverpool Boys) on February 09, 2005, 09:39:40 am
extremely funny


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 09, 2005, 10:03:57 am
Kin brilliant, best one so far this year


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 09, 2005, 11:17:02 am
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head,lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were Going to look after me."

“I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f**k*ng menthol"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chris (Liverpool Boys) on February 09, 2005, 01:07:21 pm
saw that coming


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on February 09, 2005, 01:53:38 pm
Usual warnings apply  ;D ;D

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/ (http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on February 09, 2005, 04:25:13 pm
Usual warnings apply  ;D ;D

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/ (http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/)

Think this one is more apt for LM

http://www.rathergood.com/first_drink/


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 09, 2005, 04:36:12 pm
Usual warnings apply  ;D ;D

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/ (http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/)
 Thanks for that Fat Lad, this f***ing song has been in my head since I first heard it. I just know I will be awake half the night with the bloody thing going round and round and driving me mad. Already it is worse than that shite song that squeeky voiced tosser Joe Pisskwali used to sing. Cheers mate


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on February 09, 2005, 05:56:54 pm
lol - Glad I could be of help Bob  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on February 10, 2005, 11:01:52 am
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he
would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them
out!
 
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and ! all the spare parts and
a malicious thought came to her. She took &! gt;the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
 
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
 
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and
"I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farti ng my guts
out, and today it finally happened.... But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bobblehat on February 10, 2005, 11:17:20 am
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver (wishing he'd never gone to work that morning).

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel and further regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 125 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and twenty five.

"So bust him," says The Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that," said the cop, "he's really important."

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 11, 2005, 10:40:16 am
Well they made me laugh!!

http://www.infocite.info/mark/LifeGuardinthePool1.wmv

http://www.infocite.info/mark/eyes.wmv


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 11, 2005, 10:57:34 am
Well they made me laugh!!


Me too


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chris (Liverpool Boys) on February 11, 2005, 12:06:54 pm
very funny


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on February 11, 2005, 01:39:19 pm
Don't know if this has found its way here yet or not. But the last line seems to apply to Prince Charles.

The things our kids will say

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10


No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10


No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
--Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.
--Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?


Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8


On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?


When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?


There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

AND


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on February 11, 2005, 04:50:52 pm
Usual warnings apply  ;D ;D

http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/ (http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/)


Thank you very much!I now this song stuck in my head as well as my co-workers.
By the way what is minge?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 11, 2005, 05:19:33 pm
Erm, two nations divided by a common language, or what?

Minge? It's the same as a vertical bacon sandwich, often seen in hamburger shots.

You might want to look at Viz comic's "Profanisaurus" before we Brits descend on you next month. It's full of helpful phrases...

http://www.viz.co.uk/

and click on "Profanisaurus".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on February 11, 2005, 05:47:45 pm
Thanks for the link,I will check it out.Sebring is going to be BIG FUN!I cant to meet you guys and put some brews back.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on February 11, 2005, 06:34:41 pm
Jacko getting ready for court



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on February 12, 2005, 11:01:14 pm
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
 
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
 
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
 
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
 
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
 
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 14, 2005, 05:47:57 pm
Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital :-
 
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, your mothers maiden name and your bank pin number.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & have a cry. It will pass in a few years.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on February 15, 2005, 02:06:16 am
how to get rid' of your girlfriend

click here (http://www.kontraband.com/show.asp?ID=1593) ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on February 15, 2005, 11:58:14 am
how to get rid' of your car

click here (http://home.wanadoo.nl/rbstulen/NIEUWteg.wmv) ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 15, 2005, 02:13:22 pm
In pilots we trust...........




Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

==========================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

==========================================


Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f**k*ng bored, not f**k*ng stupid!"

==========================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

==========================================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."

==========================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind an
eight-engined B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter
pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

==========================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

==========================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger...and
yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

==========================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
didn't land."

==========================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned
right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on February 15, 2005, 08:36:13 pm
 ;D More plane stuff.

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
 
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

--------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.  After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,  "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on February 15, 2005, 09:19:44 pm
Read this, then look at the picture
 
There's a reason (sometimes) for all that paperwork...
 
Just before Christmas 2004 a C-23 Sherpa flew into a US operated airfield in Iraq during the day and as they came in on approach the crew was surprised to see that there was construction equipment on the runway. But there had been no NOTAM (notice to airmen) issued, which there should have been of course.

A trench was being dug in the runway (!), and it was not marked!

It's a long runway and so they just landed beyond the construction. They filed a safety hazard report that was immediately forwarded to their headquarters and to the US Air Force wing based there.
 
Well, the construction continued but it was still not marked or NOTAMed or anything.

On the night of the 29th January a C-130 landed on the runway and didn't see the construction.

It wound up going through what was now a large pit on the runway.

See picture attached.

The C-130 was totalled. There were several injuries to the crew and the few passengers on board but luckily nobody was killed.

Hmmmm.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on February 15, 2005, 11:50:14 pm
those bloody speed-bumps >:( ::) ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on February 16, 2005, 12:05:49 am
That's what I call a pot hole. And I thought the roads were bad around our way.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 16, 2005, 09:58:50 am
http://www.changar.com/text/bushmail.html

Mr G Bush's in box?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 16, 2005, 01:39:10 pm
Staying on the flying theme, who fancies a bit of this? It's no joke if you ask me.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on February 16, 2005, 01:44:15 pm
Bastard computer  :( ???


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Chris (Liverpool Boys) on February 16, 2005, 02:04:56 pm
At least it's still in the air and not on fire

Still would be a bit of a brown trouser moment


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 16, 2005, 02:06:19 pm
An oldy but a goody........

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same  little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:









( Get your best Chinese accent ready )













 "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 18, 2005, 10:01:49 am
An old lady is very upset as her husband had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.


One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put

the bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit.

His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit....." the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued



  "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on February 19, 2005, 03:00:39 am
 :D :D :D :DTHAT IS FUNNY !!!! :D :) ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on February 20, 2005, 10:54:52 pm
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that
obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
 
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

 "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."
 
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.............


 
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 23, 2005, 10:05:32 am
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the
pharmacist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
cotton bandanna, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he
unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He
holds it up.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana,
places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of
the pharmacy. A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by
an even greater shout.

The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to the pharmacist. "The
regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 25, 2005, 09:43:07 am
A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier's desk. "Nice tits love, I want to open a f**k*ng bank account," he says.  "I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier.  "Listen you dumb cow," he says, "I said I want to open a f**k*ng bank account!"  "I'm sorry sir," she says, her bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you if you're going to talk to me like that." And with that she leaves her window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear. The two return to the window and the manager asks stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?"  "There's no f**k*ng problem," the man insists. "I just won 10 million  on the f**k*ng lottery and I want to open a f**k*ng bank account!"  "I see sir," the manager quickly replies. "And this stupid bitch is giving you a hard time, is she?"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on February 25, 2005, 12:38:53 pm
Little Johnny was in his expensive prep school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up; accountant, lawyer, salesman, politician. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him  about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and take it up the a***."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and  then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "My father plays rugby for England, but after the last few games I was too embarrassed to say."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 25, 2005, 01:55:17 pm
"My father plays rugby for England, but after the last few games I was too embarrassed to say."
I'd like to think this will all be put right this weekend but with Charlie Hodgeson kicking I can't help thinking we would be better off with Douglas Bader


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ballast on February 25, 2005, 01:59:31 pm
nice one jpc - laughed my tits off at that one!

keep them coming guys i could do with a laugh. i'm stuck in bed (alone) with ciatica  :(

Gazza


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on February 25, 2005, 03:07:21 pm
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little snit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"
===============================================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.  A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf"
=================================

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when
Tim Finnegan arrives at her door "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
"There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."  "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."  "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."  "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
=================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"  She says, "That he did, Father..
" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
===========================================
AND THE BEST FOR LAST.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finaly, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 02, 2005, 10:17:26 am
Ne Government Logo


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on March 04, 2005, 06:22:35 pm
A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple.


Further studies are expected.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on March 05, 2005, 07:27:12 pm
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he
was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?".

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on March 06, 2005, 12:31:13 pm
A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Baptist Bra - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 08, 2005, 04:51:58 pm
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns
to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says
the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll
have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I
will have a steak,
baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out
of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and
offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon
of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for
a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 08, 2005, 07:07:46 pm
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,;Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armanisuit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother,
and the girl and tells them: Good morning, your daughter
has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll shag her again!"



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 08, 2005, 08:47:29 pm
Happy Easter everyone.
http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/2461/flyin_egg_fight.swf


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 08, 2005, 10:04:14 pm
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on  the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah", says the coroner, this is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his photo taken."



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 08, 2005, 10:05:19 pm
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the nearly deaf clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies "This time it's mayonnaise."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on March 09, 2005, 10:55:05 am
An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in California. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope". She replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 09, 2005, 04:25:44 pm


The Cape Times, March 31, 2003:
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokesperson for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment".
"We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."

The Star, Johannesburg:
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the 'Swazimar': "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government.
"The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."


The Standard, Kenya:
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble."
Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off.
"Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out.
"When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

From a Zimbabwean newspaper
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue.
Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his charges, warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.
Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 09, 2005, 04:43:52 pm
Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they
noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of
the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big
Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"

She shook her head to say no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

Again she shakes her head to say no.

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands,
turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her
right on the bottom!

Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the
food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her
skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned.

"I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his
heroic friend.

"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!"
 ;D ;D ;D



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 09, 2005, 08:15:11 pm
Can't believe I didn't get a comment about that last one.  Well, here's another one that maybe most of you guys can relate to.

Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Brenda Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
 
Back to top      
 


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: hgb on March 09, 2005, 08:43:59 pm
Can't believe I didn't get a comment about that last one.  

Right, I'm right off to the next restaurant to try that trick... nice avatar.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 10, 2005, 07:59:26 pm
 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
 enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight

and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....?,Who cares)
(now you know... Bet you still don't care)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head,  before it starves to
death.
(Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....) ;-)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

After reading all these, all I can say
is...Damn Pigs


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on March 11, 2005, 02:49:54 pm
so what's your story? ;D


(http://server2.uploadit.org/files/PaddyLM-sportexhaust.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 11, 2005, 03:26:22 pm
Don't strike a match.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 11, 2005, 06:55:24 pm
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in
Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and
down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso,
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to
Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm gay, I love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I voted for Al Gore in '02 and Kerry in '04, Hillary for President in '08, George Strait Sucks, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on March 12, 2005, 08:22:47 pm
The new priest of the parish was hearing his first confessions. The first fellow came in confessing that he had spent illicit times with the local party girl naming Nookie Green. The priest gave absolution and then in came another fellow also confessing that he partied with Nookie Green. The priest was surprised........ Almost every man in town who confessed to him had a relation with Nookie Green.
On Suday as he was holding the service ... his first .... he heard a minor commotion behind him. He hesitated looking around but when he did he was taken aback. For there wakling down the aisle was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. But the way she was dressed was fantastic. She wore a wide brim summer hat in the greenest of green color one could imagine. She wore a tight fitting matching green dress, with green silk stockings and shiney green patent leather shoes. She came right down the aisle to the front row and took one of the seats. But she did not cross her legs as he might have expected. He glanced back again and again.  Finally he bent over to whisper to the altar boy ' Is that Nookie Green?'  The altar boy turned around took a long look and replied 'No Father, that's the reflection from her shoes'.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on March 12, 2005, 08:35:30 pm
The preacher was up on the pulpit giving his sermon. As he was, the doors opened wide and in walked.... in all her glory....... the local party girl. Man she was confident. She was as pretty as can be and all of the women in the church just looked hard at her and then at their husbands. The preacher became agitated because of her nerve to insult his church and his congregation by barging in the way she did.
He changed his sermon to siut the new situation that had just presented itself. He said to the congregation ' We all know the wages of sin .... we all all know that the unrepentant sinners will end up in eternal damnation ... we all know that we cannot flaunt ourselves in front of the Lord.  And now we have one amongst us who does not hesitate to flaunt herself here. We know who she is we know where she will spend eternity .......... but remember women there is always a chance for redemption ......... always remeber in his search to let sinners into the pearly gates he will help you.  Remember ....... Saint Fingers is pointing his Peter at you.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 14, 2005, 10:57:39 am
The following are all replies that women have put on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms (names removed).

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10.So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 14, 2005, 05:37:53 pm
You have to understand that folks in Texas have a whole different mindset that many people, even in the US, don't understand.  Here is an example.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in
Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and
down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso,
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to
Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm gay, I love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I voted for Al Gore in '02 and Kerry in '04, Hillary for President in '08, George Strait Sucks, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.   Lots a luck buddie.
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on March 14, 2005, 06:26:12 pm
John mate, it could be all the Sebring exitement and that, but I'm sure you posted that one several days ago!  :P


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 14, 2005, 08:37:30 pm
You are so right and that just shows that my concentration has gone down the toilet.  Sorry for the extra posting.  But let's try this one.

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HER

8:15  Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30  Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45  Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15  Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife--she has gained 30 lbs
1:00   Shopping with friends--unlimited credit
3:00   Nap
4:15   Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30   Pick out outfit for dinner; prim before mirror
7:30   Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00  Hot shower (alone)
10:30  Make love
11:00  Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15  Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HIM
6:00   Alarm
6:15   Bl*wjob
6:30   Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00   Breakfast:  filet mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30   Limo arrives
7:45   Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15   Private chopper to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30   Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45   Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Bl*wjob
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under)
2:15   Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30   Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15   Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30   Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00   Private jet home (massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy
Ireland)
6:45   Sh*t, shower and shave
7:00   Watch CNN newsflash:  Teddy Kennedy resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated)
7:30   Dinner:  lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 oz. New York Strip
Steak
9:00   Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30   Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50  12 second, 4 note fart--dog leaves room
11:55  Sleep

There, that ought to redeem myself.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on March 15, 2005, 10:06:18 am
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day

long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he
couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

 "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with

one of their patients and you won't be the last.  And you're
single.Just let it go.."
 
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,

whispering:


 "Dave, you're a vet.."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 NIP AND TUCK

After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic
surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory
because
her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like
a ripped out fireplace.

Time and child birth had taken it's toll and she reckoned that with  six
children now being the limit she'd tidy things up with a nip here and  a
tuck there, so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a
badly  packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from the anaesthetic to find three
roses
at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "they're very nice but I'm a
bit
confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse "The first is from the surgeon the operation went
so
well, and you were a model patient
that he wanted to say thanks."

"Aaahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such
a
success that he can't wait to get you home.   Apparently it'll be the
first
time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited."

"Brilliant!" said Lucy, "and the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse "He just wanted to
say
thanks for his new ears."

 
 


 


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on March 18, 2005, 07:13:25 pm
Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming.
One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Robert says to Bobby.
"All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the dummy out of his arse"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on March 20, 2005, 07:19:42 pm
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/HearYourHeart.gif)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Russ on March 22, 2005, 04:06:54 pm
A man walks into a shop...

Customer: "Worcester sauce flavour crisps please"

Shopkeeper: "Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare."

Customer: "Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?"

Shopkeeper: "Ah that's the same. Cancer scare"

Customer: "Hamburger Relish?"

Shopkeeper: "Cancer scare"

Customer: "Sausage and Mash?"

Shopkeeper: "Cancer scare"

Customer: "Cottage Pie?"

Shopkeeper: "Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare."

Customer: "So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?"

Shopkeeper: "Yes"

Customer: (sigh) "Just give me 20 Benson & Hedges then..."

Shopkeeper: "Certainly. £4.50 please."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on March 23, 2005, 01:54:19 pm
To take his mind of his trial Janet Jackson suggests to brother Michael that they have a quiet night in with a pizza and a video.

"That sounds nice" says Michael, "Can we get Alladdin"?

"No" said Janet "Just a pizza and a video"



Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

Acne dosn't come on your face until you are about 15


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on March 23, 2005, 03:48:24 pm
After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's.  They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem.  Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.  Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.  Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:
 
Julie from Hawthorn: "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".
 
Susan from Kew added: "I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".
 
Hillary from South Yarra: "I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on March 23, 2005, 03:50:08 pm
After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's.  They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem.  Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.  Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.  Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:
 
Julie from Hawthorn: "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".
 
Susan from Kew added: "I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".
 
Hillary from South Yarra: "I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on March 23, 2005, 03:56:43 pm
That's funny  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 28, 2005, 06:03:53 pm
Neighborhood Party

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the
driveway.  His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." The
mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the
first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday  morning. We had about
fifteen couples from around the neighborhood  over for Christmas Cheer and
it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so  drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or
five times."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 31, 2005, 10:16:57 pm

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one
Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special
ring for my girlfriend here," he said. The jeweler looked through his stock,
and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.
   
"I don't think you understand, I want something very
 
unique" he said.
    At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from
 
the safe. "Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000." The girls' eyes
sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
    "How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make
 
sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can
phone the bank Monday. I'll pick up the ring on Tuesday."
    Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man.
 
"You old fart, you lied... there's no money in that account."
   
"I know, but do you have any idea what a fantastic
 
weekend I had?"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Dave H on April 01, 2005, 05:16:30 pm
The Wedding Test

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.  That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses.  She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside...

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:    Always keep your condoms in your car.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on April 02, 2005, 08:27:41 pm
A man wakes up bleery eyed, in a darkened room, to discover the shape of a female form under the quilt next to him. What time is it asks the man?, after a few moments the female under the quilt says 5.30. Shlt, says the man, i have to get home, after a few moments the female says you are home!.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 02, 2005, 11:20:11 pm
Question?  Have you ever seen a pear that was a peach>


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 02, 2005, 11:22:28 pm
OH Yea !


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 03, 2005, 12:35:36 am
While we're on the subject of peaches ........... can you find it?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 03, 2005, 01:22:48 am
Calm down Pidge...please!!! I can tell we have reached your favorite subject...  ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 03, 2005, 11:13:28 pm

(Calm down Pidge...please!!! I can tell we have reached your favorite subject...  ;)
Noooooo !  But the photos will not excede the length of your delete button.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 04, 2005, 01:06:30 am
I see they have finally released the new coin design to celebrate the forthcoming royal wedding.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/New_UK_coin.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 04, 2005, 10:39:52 am
I see they have finally released the new coin design to celebrate the forthcoming royal wedding.

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/New_UK_coin.jpg)

And...................................


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 06, 2005, 04:42:00 pm
Spaghetti

A wealthy Englishman was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in
 him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his
 marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money, if she
 would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to
 raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
 turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
 baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
 post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange
 for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later,
 he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said. "You
 received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and
 I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband
 read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written:
 
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 08, 2005, 11:35:37 am
With the next Royal Wedding coming soon memories of the last one have re-emerged

Royal Wedding

Sophie was getting dressed, on the day of the wedding, where all her  family surrounded her, when she suddenly realised she had forgotten  to get any shoes.  

 

 Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from  her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they  were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's  feet were in agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could  think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and  they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and  the occasional muffled scream.

 

Eventually they heard Edward say  'God, that was tight.'

There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the  other   one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining, at last Edward said, 'My God.  That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: chrisbeatty on April 08, 2005, 12:15:15 pm
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on April 08, 2005, 02:53:53 pm
Priceless


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on April 08, 2005, 02:54:45 pm
Priceless


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on April 08, 2005, 04:12:00 pm
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.  Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and  the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."


The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he  found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as  she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.


Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 10, 2005, 11:19:49 am
A man, called to testify about his tax return at Inland Revenue, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man told his best friend of the conflicting advice, and requested his opinion.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the friend "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the tax authorities?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 11, 2005, 04:26:46 pm
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he nervously asks.
" No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 11, 2005, 05:38:44 pm
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally
distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the
genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but
let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you
could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is
there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out
two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said
Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this
>>>woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Let's have a look at that dog again."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 11, 2005, 07:03:50 pm
Horrible Accident

Most of us have heard a sad story about an accident involving alcohol. In all my life I have never encountered an alcohol related accident as graphic and devastating as this one. Just looking at the picture turns my stomach. Please scrole down carefully as this is uncensored and very graphic.
























.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on April 11, 2005, 09:26:00 pm
Is it an accident, or part of the Bugatti circuit monday after the 24 hours?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on April 11, 2005, 09:46:46 pm
Puts a whole new slant on the saying "One for the road", doesn't it.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 11, 2005, 09:48:34 pm
It's not quite as bad as it might seem  :( . There are at least 2 or 3 which have not broken  ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 12, 2005, 12:27:54 am
A few serious questions ... it's all so true

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a stone at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for normal people at the Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Can you cry under water?

What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? .......They're still going to see you naked anyway.

Which way does the water go down the plughole if you live on the equator?

Why do women go topless on the beach, but put on their tops to go in the water?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

How does the man who drives the snowplow get to work in the  mornings?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which way would it land?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on April 12, 2005, 01:39:18 am
Horrible Accident

Looks like Drinking for Holland  didn't get the Heinehen deal after all ;D ;D
Canada Phil


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 12, 2005, 03:04:34 pm
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn
his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he
asked the midget to cough again.
Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left
side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if
his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you
do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 12, 2005, 10:13:12 pm
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.

Does this mean he could be described as


"A Low Down Bum"



 :o :( ;D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 13, 2005, 12:07:06 pm
A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The K-Mart salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $44, but the Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DickieAttwood on April 14, 2005, 02:08:57 pm
From 'The Two Ronnies' last week

'The man who has been terrorising nudist colonies with a bacon slicer has still not been caught.  A policeman has had a tip-off but he's okay now and will be back at work soon'




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 14, 2005, 02:17:07 pm
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:
One day, I decided to wash my car.
As I started toward the garage, I noticed that there was mail on the hall table.
I decided to sort through the mail before I washed the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and noticed that the trash can was full.

So, I decided to put the bills back on the table and took out the trash first.
But then I thought, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

So, I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find a half-full can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decided that I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I headed toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discovered my reading glasses that I had been searching for all morning.
I decided that I had better put them back on my desk, but first I was going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, filled a container with water and suddenly I spotted the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realized that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decided to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splashed some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, got some towels and wiped up the spill.
Then I headed down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do in the first place.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my
chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

Don't laugh . . . . . . If this hasn't happened to you yet, your day IS coming!




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 14, 2005, 02:20:19 pm
MS Word Assistant


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on April 14, 2005, 05:30:08 pm
And another


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 14, 2005, 06:59:09 pm
And another!!

(http://carcino.gen.nz/images/image.php/5a5a66bc/office_assistant.gif&cb=20030313002947)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 15, 2005, 10:21:11 am
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on April 15, 2005, 03:49:23 pm
I didnt know that!!!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on April 17, 2005, 12:08:05 pm
Why the dinosaus really died out.

http://www.infocite.info/mark/jurassicfart.wmv (http://www.infocite.info/mark/jurassicfart.wmv)

DB



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 18, 2005, 03:22:48 pm
Speaking of animals.....

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of which loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer
for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.   Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the
only tractor.

   Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.   Finding the
keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life.

   Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the
chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.



A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would
then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his
life.

The moral of the story? (Yep, there's a moral!)






"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on April 21, 2005, 02:12:36 am
There is no difference between Moby Dick and a waterfront "lady of the evening"
............  They both swallow seaman.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 21, 2005, 12:58:26 pm
ASTROLOGY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is further away.......... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helllloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"?? He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor".? She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ?

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ?

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ?

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"?

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellllloooooo," answered the blond.? "They're watch dogs."




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on April 21, 2005, 01:01:40 pm
On the same theme...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on April 21, 2005, 05:28:19 pm
Keyboard for men


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on April 21, 2005, 05:48:23 pm
Sorry Stu  :D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 26, 2005, 06:00:56 pm
Usefull hints and tips -

1.   If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2.   A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

3.   Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4.   Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5.   Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.

6.   Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7.   Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

8.   Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

9.   X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p***ing in the sink.

20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

22. Spice up your love life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x '. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 26, 2005, 06:21:08 pm
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken
>coop.
>
>The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time
>for you to retire."
>
>The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
>hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
>hens over in the corner?"
>
>The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
>
>The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around
>the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
>chicken coop."
>
>The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So,
>just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
>
>The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
>takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse
>and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches
>behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
>
>The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
>he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He
>blows the young rooster to bits.
>
>The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I
>bought this month."
>
>Moral of this story . . . .
>
>Don't mess with the OLD FARTS . . . .
>
>Experience and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on April 27, 2005, 02:30:05 pm
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model (Eva) danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

When Eva danced before the first candidate, there was no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Fat Steve.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Fat Steve took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.

Suddenly all the other bells began to ring.  :o


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on April 27, 2005, 02:44:39 pm
I'm off to Rome for the weekend tomorrow morning. I wonder if they'll let me tell that one to the new Pope?  ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on April 27, 2005, 03:13:32 pm
Quote
I'm off to Rome for the weekend tomorrow morning. I wonder if they'll let me tell that one to the new Pope?
 

If not, try telling this one in Newcastle...


40,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Alan Shearer says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 40,000 Geordies start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Shearer says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 40,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
Shearer is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened - Gazza starts crying and the 40,000 geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHERCHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 40,000 geordies jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on April 27, 2005, 03:18:09 pm
New Virus to Watch For


 The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
 The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
 The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
 The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
 The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
 The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
 The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
 The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
 The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
 The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
 The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
 The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.
 The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy .... then discards it through Windows.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on April 28, 2005, 08:46:45 am
Quote
I'm off to Rome for the weekend tomorrow morning. I wonder if they'll let me tell that one to the new Pope?
 

If not, try telling this one in Newcastle...


40,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Alan Shearer says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 40,000 Geordies start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
Shearer says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 40,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
Shearer is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened - Gazza starts crying and the 40,000 geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHERCHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 40,000 geordies jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"



Revenge, my dear H will take place next year on the pitch at the above mentioned hallowed ground and that place called the stadium of shite.

Anyway, you've probably seen this as I'm always late on the jokes but

http://www.sickjokes.net/index.php?disp=watchvideo&filename=KaraokefortheDeaf.wmv (http://www.sickjokes.net/index.php?disp=watchvideo&filename=KaraokefortheDeaf.wmv)

and

http://homepage.mac.com/jpbarr/iMovieTheater7.html (http://homepage.mac.com/jpbarr/iMovieTheater7.html)


sorry if you've seen it.

Stu


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on April 28, 2005, 06:23:06 pm
THE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this senior citizen handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You  shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he  said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some  embarrassment  in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something  and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken  her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 28, 2005, 10:40:30 pm
 A father asked his 11-year-old son if he  knew about the birds and the
bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said,  bursting into tears. "Promise me
you
won't tell me!" Confused, the father asked  what was wrong. The boy sobbed,
"When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa'  speech.  At seven, I got the
'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was  eight, You hit me with the
'There's
no tooth fairy speech.'  If you're  going to tell me that grown-ups don't
really get laid, I'll have nothing left to  live for."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 29, 2005, 02:38:29 pm
While I was driving down the M3 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot @r$ehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on April 29, 2005, 02:40:08 pm
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.

The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers
accordingly.

Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.

MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES

Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________

1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie
for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch
perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?

3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How
many grams of Strychnine will he need?

4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife
spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his
money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre,
how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint
free ?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his
brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled
when he gets whacked?

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)

School _______________________________________________


Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old
man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim
and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer
goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to
Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Tristram fancies the #### off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left
to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to s*#g the
other two thirds?

4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws
up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much
does liposuction cost?

5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he
fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third
week. When will he stand for parliament?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 29, 2005, 08:25:31 pm
A couple had been married for over twenty years and one day the husband walked into the bedroom to find his wife packing her bags. When asked what she was doing, she simply replied that she was packing and headed to Las Vegas. The husband seemed somewhat puzzled and asked her what she was planning to do out there. Without looking up she replied and said she had heard she could make $400 out there doing what she did for him for free. Without missing a beat the husband started packing his bags. His wife stopped what she was doing looked at her husband and asked him what in the world was he doing. He simply said that he was going to Las Vegas too. When she asked him why, he said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year".


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 29, 2005, 08:38:31 pm
 A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple
in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her; kisses her neck, then
gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an
escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants
sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you. ! This guy is probably very dangerous. If he
gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"  

To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
too!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on May 01, 2005, 11:49:53 pm
Does anyone know why there is only 1 Monopolies Commission?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 02, 2005, 10:24:45 pm
Does anyone know why there is only 1 Monopolies Commission?

Yes.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 03, 2005, 01:51:33 pm
A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there next to the judges table asking for directions to the Corrs Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)


Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I've had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb b1tch is starting to look HOT....just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge# 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my @rse with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, the world sounds like it is made of rushing water, my shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth and my pants are full of lava like s**t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: The Planman on May 03, 2005, 02:34:57 pm
That is one of the funniest things I've read for a while  ;D

I pissed myself !!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: sceetum on May 04, 2005, 12:05:28 am
Brilliant ;D ;D.
I have also pissed myself and that hasn't happened for at least a week :-[


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 05, 2005, 07:11:43 pm
Police station toilet stolen, Cops have nothing to go on.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 05, 2005, 09:35:17 pm
A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?". The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, slightly peeved, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now p*ss off!" The rabbit hops off.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers again and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, completely p*ssed off now, snaps "No I haven't got any chuffin cabbages! If you come in
here again asking for some cabbages I'm gonna nail your f'in ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door.

The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replies "no". The rabbit says "have you got any cabbages?"



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 05, 2005, 10:37:04 pm
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 05, 2005, 10:37:52 pm
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little silver sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square cosmetic mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 06, 2005, 02:32:25 pm
A bunch of people are heading to Ibiza this summer but they need 4
more people to get a super package deal in a villa, it will work out
at around £99 for the week with flights, any takers?

Attached is a picture of the lads causing havoc in Amsterdam last
year! If you're not up for it please forward this on to people who
might be, Let me know!



Rob


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 06, 2005, 02:34:51 pm
HSBC - The World's local bank


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 06, 2005, 02:38:56 pm
Personally I've got nothing against scooters


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on May 06, 2005, 08:51:16 pm
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Moped Boy, I just loved the rabbit joke, it really hit my tickle button.  First time I tried to tell it I collapsed in hysterics just before the punch-line, and I hadn't had a drink by then.  When I finally composed myself enough to finish it DavidsMum also thought it was one of the best she's heard in a long time. ;D ;D

Oh yes, and of course the boy nearly sprayed his cornflakes across the kitchen table when I told him (suitably censored).   :-X

Brilliant.  Keep them coming.  



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 06, 2005, 10:17:38 pm
WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA


The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
It provides a way to interact with other people.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on May 09, 2005, 12:11:52 am
What can a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog on 3 legs?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 09, 2005, 05:37:19 pm
Shake Hands (what were you thinking you sick pervert?!?)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on May 09, 2005, 06:21:15 pm
Give that  lad a cigar ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 09, 2005, 07:37:28 pm
thanks, that one comes up alot in life...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 10, 2005, 08:53:22 pm
Beer drinking
Whether one is "shipwrecked" or just plain "wrecked", perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on May 12, 2005, 10:21:12 am
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that enough
was enough, as they could not afford any more. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
 "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a  banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"
At this point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he  could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on May 12, 2005, 08:28:03 pm
Words of wisdom -

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
 
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
 
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
 
Life is sexually transmitted.
 
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
 
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
 
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
 
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
 
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
 
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
 
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?  
 
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on May 13, 2005, 09:18:21 am
 ;D http://www.bangkokbob.net/beer.html  ;D

have a look here, they must have some sort of endurance race?

I once went into a bar in Pattaya, Phuket, and ordered a Heineken, the British manager said " We don't sell that in here, we only have decent beer" to which i replied  "That'll be a novelty then, I'll have a bottle of "decent beer", to which he replied  "F*** off", so i did!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on May 13, 2005, 10:21:41 am
Bravery

Bravery - is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying off somewhere?"

 

True Bravery - is coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick
on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and saying, "You're next."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on May 13, 2005, 08:31:53 pm
Now that one i like,


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on May 14, 2005, 10:03:57 am
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of Euros for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted €10 and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man
  asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."


"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"


"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.


“Will you use it to go to the Greatest Motor Race in the World?”

“To spend a week in a field in France? No way!!”


"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, motor racing and women."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on May 16, 2005, 03:04:19 pm
Prepare to be hypnotised.
Click on the pic and drag around then click again.


http://mysite.verizon.net/philsackett/temp/hypno.html


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 16, 2005, 03:13:20 pm
That was a good one Smokie.  I sent that one, revised a bit, to two friends who are going to the Indy 500 with me.  I know it will crack them up.  Thanks for the joke...??  No, it's not a joke, it's probably closer to the truth than we may think.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on May 16, 2005, 04:17:49 pm
It's a few minutes before Sunday service. Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate. Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is. He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him. Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?" The man replies: "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't," says the old man. "Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone. "Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan. "Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?" "No." Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on May 17, 2005, 08:53:12 am
Stole this from the ALMS Forum

(http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-11/876092/image005.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on May 18, 2005, 02:05:24 pm
Thought Moped Boy would like this one.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 18, 2005, 02:12:26 pm
Moped Boy? Surely you mean Aled Jones!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on May 18, 2005, 02:21:51 pm
I'm sure there's not that many women who read this forum, if so your not all bad or is that
 mad!!!!!

Car Accident


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."



MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on May 20, 2005, 10:57:03 am
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on May 20, 2005, 03:20:32 pm
I did'nt find out I was dyslexic until last xmas when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 20, 2005, 03:26:28 pm
What does DNA stand for?

The National Dyslexic Association


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: stuey on May 20, 2005, 04:57:45 pm
Then there was the Dsylexic agnostic insomniac.

Who stayed awake all night wondering if there is a dog


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on May 20, 2005, 11:13:04 pm
Thought Moped Boy would like this one.

i'm sure that she's a natural blonde


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on May 22, 2005, 04:49:57 pm
what do you call a chav in a box?

innit!!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on May 23, 2005, 11:44:46 am
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "Right, all you b*stards who want to get off here, get a move on 'cause this is the last stop!  All you b*stards who are getting on, hurry up and get your arses in the train."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "You MUSTN'T use that  sort of language!  I don't know where you heard it, but you mustn't use it again.   I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear those words again.  You should speak nicely, even when you're playing."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand carefully luggage under your seat.  Remember, there is no smoking on the train.  We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Smiling proudly, just as the mother begins to get on with her work she hears the child add, "For those of you who are really pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 23, 2005, 05:50:25 pm
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he
> saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him
> with a wide grin.
>>
>>
>> "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
>>
>>
>> "Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
>>
>>
>> "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
> but a new truck?"
>>
>> "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We
> were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue
> pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into
> the
> woods. She parked the truck, got out,
>> threw off all her clothes and said,
>>
>> 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
>>
>> So I took the truck!"
>>
>>
>>
>> "Bubba, you're a smart man!.
>> Them clothes woulda never fit you!"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 24, 2005, 08:27:37 pm
Well, if you guys didn't like the last one maybe you'll like this one.

 >Subject: Golf story
>
> > > > Four men went golfing one day. Three of them
> headed to the
> > > > first tee and the fourth went into the
> clubhouse to take care
> > > > of the bill.
> > > >
> > > > The three men started talking and bragging
> about their sons.
> > > > The first man told the others, "My son is a
> home builder, and
> > > > he is so successful that he gave a friend a
> new home for free.
> > > > Just gave it to him!"
> > > >
> > > > The second man said, "My son was a car
> salesman, and now he
> > > > owns a multi-line dealership. He's so
> successful that he gave
> > > > one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully
> "loaded."
> > > >
> > > > The third man said "My son is a stockbroker,
> and he's doing
> > > > so incredibly well that he gave his friend an
> entire
> > > > portfolio."
> > > >
> > > > The fourth man joined them on the tee after a
> few minutes of
> > > > taking care of business. The first man
> mentioned, "We were just
> > > > talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
> > > >
> > > > The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay
> and go-go dances
> > > > in a gay bar."
> > > >
> > > > The other three men grew silent as he
> continued, "I'm not
> > > > totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he
> must be doing
> > > > well. His last three boyfriends gave him a
> house, a brand new
> > > > Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 25, 2005, 10:54:37 pm
Am I the only one reading this thread?   Apparently you guys haven't liked the other two, so here's number 3.  After that, I give up!!!!  I know it's an old one that's been around for awhile but it's still funny anyway.

 A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
> Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
> Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
> The boy now has company.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here."
> Man: "Yes it is."
> Boy: "I have a baseball."
> Man: "That's nice."
> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
> Man: "No, thanks."
> Boy: "My dad's outside."
> Man: "OK, how much?"
> Boy: "$250."
>
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are
> in the closet together.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here."
> Man: "Yes, it is."
> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
> Man: "How much?"
> Boy: "$750."
> Man: "Fine."
>
> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
> glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
> The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
> The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> The son says,"$1,000."
> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
> friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost.
> I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
>
> They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and
> makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
>
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>
> The priest says, "Don't start that crap again"


As Fran says, keep 'em coming John, we're all enjoying them. Don't expect responses though as the thread will be pruned of non-joke posts (i.e. lots of people saying Excellent, Good One, LOL). Just cos no-one is saying much doesn't mean we don't like 'em!!!  See ya soon. Smokie

And Mr Invisible and Perdu have also agreed on this thread - but I will remove their posts. I remember why I wanted this thread "clean" - I was going on a lad's weekend, and needed some good jokes, but when I went to print the thread it was ridiculously long...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on May 25, 2005, 11:03:08 pm
LOL johnevans - keep em coming!

F


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on May 26, 2005, 07:38:59 pm
Here is a link to a Video, that Mr. Clarkson would love.

Perfect Family Car (http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=432)

Quote
And Mr Invisible and Perdu have also agreed on this thread - but I will remove their posts. I remember why I wanted this thread "clean" - I was going on a lad's weekend, and needed some good jokes, but when I went to print the thread it was ridiculously long...

That wouldn't be somewhere in the middle of France would it smokie? ;) ;D :D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on May 26, 2005, 09:55:45 pm
A jogger noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so she walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,


What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"


"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.


"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.


Apart from that I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels each week, and I eat only junk food.


Most weekends I pop pills and do no exercise at all."


"That is absolutely amazing at your age!" says the jogger.


"How old are you?"


"Twenty-four," she replied


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 26, 2005, 10:59:08 pm
Here is one for you efficiency experts.

Subject: Restaurant Efficiency>
>
>  Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the
> waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
> a
> little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out
> water
> and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then
> looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in
> their
> pocket.
>
>
>       When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the
> spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
> Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.
> After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that
> customers
> drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This
> represents
> a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
> personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the
> number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
>
>
>       As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.
> Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket
> and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead
> of
> making an extra trip to get it right now."
>
>
>       I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and
> while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that
> there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
> around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from
> their fly.
>
>
>       My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked
> the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
> right
> there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone
> is
> as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out
> that
> we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by
> tying
> this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the
> urinal
> without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands,
> shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
>
>
>       "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out,
> how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even
> further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 27, 2005, 02:25:41 pm
At the 2004 World Womans conference the  first speaker from Canada
stood up:

"At last year's  conference we spoke about being more assertive
with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home  and told my
husband that I would  no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After  the second day I saw nothing.
But  after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from France stood  up:
"After last year's conference  I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to  do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the  second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I saw that he had not only done his own washing
but my washing as well. "

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Glasgow stood  up:
"Efter last year's conference  ah went hame and telt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin, cleanin or shoppin and that he wid  hiftae dae it himsel.
Efter the  first day ah saw nuthin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuthin'.
But efter the third day I could see a  wee bit oot o ma left eye."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on May 27, 2005, 03:38:45 pm
Cowboy  Roy always  wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife     "Notice anything different
about me?"

Bessie looks him over "Nope."

Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and  walks back into the room completely naked, except for the boots.  

 Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice  anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says,     "Roy, what's different?  It's hanging
down
today, it was hanging  down yesterday, and it'll be hanging   down again
tomorrow."

Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING   DOWN,  BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING  AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To  which Bessie replies,

 "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy, shoulda bought a hat


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 27, 2005, 03:52:31 pm
Notable Quotables

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy
 
"You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."
* Steve Martin
 
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen
 
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
* Rodney Dangerfield
 
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner
 
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* George Burns
 
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone
 
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson
 
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is,"
* Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and, you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor!)
 
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
 
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
 
"Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal
 
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman
 
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart
 
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 27, 2005, 07:09:38 pm
   The old farmer had a large pond in the back of his property, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
   
One evening, the old boy decided to go down to the pond and look it
over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny
dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
 
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
 until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young
 ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
   
Moral: Old men can still think fast.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on May 27, 2005, 10:18:40 pm
Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
he was born".
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on May 28, 2005, 01:32:52 am
Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk.


Sorry I don't think so!!.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: northern lass on May 29, 2005, 12:16:45 am
What do ya call a midwife who refuses do deliver scousers?


A Crime Prevention Officer


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 31, 2005, 04:44:27 pm
Now it's time for the truth.

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ecurie on May 31, 2005, 04:57:05 pm
An young girl got married to a Greek man. Just before her wedding night her mother gave her some advice :
" Darling, you should know that Greek men can have an unorthodox approach to sex. So, if ever he tries something weird with you, you call me as soon as possible."
The first three months pass and the mother, to her relieve, doesn't get "the" call from her daughter.
Then, one night, the daughter calls :
" Mummie, something strange has happened"
" Oh honey, what did he make you do ?"
" Well, he wanted me to lay on my back."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 31, 2005, 05:05:20 pm
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle  the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that
tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.    Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's underware.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...


       MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on May 31, 2005, 05:12:17 pm
A guys walks into an adult toy store and tells the clerk he would an inflatable doll.The clerk asks the guy if he would like a Christian or a muslim one.The guy puzzled asks the clerk explain the difference. The clerk
says that the Christian one you have to blow up,and the muslim one blows itself up!


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: chrisbeatty on June 01, 2005, 12:38:39 pm
Son to his Father:
- “Dad, a Ferrari, is that a red car with a horse ?”
- “Yes my Son, why ?”
- “I think a Ferrari is just about to overtake us on our right side” .....

(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/chris_bea/Ferrari1.jpg)
(http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/chris_bea/Ferrari2.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on June 03, 2005, 08:43:18 pm
For any people wishing to dump their partner and are a bit stuck on how to do it try

http://www.goodbyebitch.com/


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: moped boy on June 03, 2005, 09:12:18 pm
you got the horse picks of priceless420.com great site


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on June 03, 2005, 11:38:58 pm
What's the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson?

Scargill hasn't seen a minor's helmet in fifteen years.


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on June 05, 2005, 12:46:43 am
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence.
 
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely
asked,"What are you up to there, Nancy?
 
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."
 
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
 
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,  "That's because
he's inside your f****** cat."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on June 05, 2005, 10:36:07 am
Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.  Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

 "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

 "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

 "A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

 "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

 "Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

 "Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

 "Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

 "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

 "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

 "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

 "Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

(also taken from Priceless420.com)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on June 09, 2005, 03:43:07 pm
Does delivering a horse in an automobile require that the license tag be inverted? ??? ::)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: tink on June 09, 2005, 08:44:15 pm
why are a hurricane and a wife similar?

first they suck and blow, then they take your house


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pidgeon on June 11, 2005, 07:40:19 pm
A chap was in the bathroom shaving. From the kitchen he could hear pots and pans rattling and low music playing.
But he was despondent. He said in a voice he thought could be heard in the kitchen ..'Honey, I may have to leave my job'.
But he heard nothing from the kitchen.
He repeated, Honey I may have to quit work. The guys down there are calling me a homosexual'.
Again no answer to this most important statement.
Getting irritated he exclaimed loudly, ' I can't take it anymore. I gotta quit my job. It's not good at work'.
Again no answer . and with this he charges into the kitchen and gruffly says. 'George ............ your not listening'!..


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on June 12, 2005, 05:07:28 pm
This is one of the funniest things I've seen for ages  ;D

http://goyk.com/video.asp?path=1765

The volume is a bit quiet so may need turning up (and no I am not trying to "catch someone out" with that comment).


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on June 12, 2005, 05:33:14 pm
There not fainting, there "ratarsed" :D


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: huggybear on June 12, 2005, 09:21:17 pm
A bloke walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. In the bedroom his wife lies suductively on the bed. He says ' This is the pig I ***k when you're not around'. She arrogantly replies ' I think you'll find its a sheep'. He says ' I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!'


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on June 13, 2005, 04:12:22 pm
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no wollly! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save much money"


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 13, 2005, 10:23:26 pm
THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden, feeling very lonely.  So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.  God said that He was going to make Adam a companion, and that it would be a woman.

He said,"This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
 
She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.  

She will praise you!  She will bear your children.
. . and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"


Of course, the rest is history . .




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Mr. Invincible Mou on June 15, 2005, 04:51:45 pm
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v420/bullocks/allmen.jpg)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 22, 2005, 01:20:20 pm
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
 
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
 
Debra replied, "Could you jack off?  I feel like sh*t."



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 22, 2005, 07:11:17 pm
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a  few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons  left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the  blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved  the vehicle forward a few inches,  reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot was empty,  he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.  To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any  alcohol at all!  Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to  accompany me to the police
 station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

 "I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 23, 2005, 01:03:00 pm
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike..

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
and starts to sing .....

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 23, 2005, 04:47:49 pm
This may be truer than we think!!!

http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BryanC on June 24, 2005, 11:04:08 pm
Same joke but Cliff Richard in Japan and the crowd are shouting "Sing Itchy Fanny, Itchy Fanny" and when Cliff says he doesn't rememeber the tune, the little guy gets up and sings...

"Itchy Fanny that we don't talk any more........" :)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 27, 2005, 06:37:01 pm
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
     Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
     In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
     purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can
     breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

     Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
     decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
     haul it home."

     The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
     she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,
     no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
     sister a telegram to tell her the news.

     She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
     telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
     ranch.  I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here
     so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
     glad to help her then adds; "It's just 99 cents a word."

     Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
     realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
     After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to
     send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she
     ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your
     pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you
     send her just the word "comfortable"?

     The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
     read it very slowly....com-for-da-bull.



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on June 27, 2005, 06:43:42 pm
A woman accompanied her husband to the  doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband  is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.  Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant, and  make sure he is in a good mood.  For lunch make him a nutritious meal.  For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.  Don't burden him with chores, as he  probably had a hard day.  Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.  And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did  the doctor say?"



"You're going to die," she replied. -  


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 27, 2005, 06:47:49 pm
Oh Doris, you're so bad!!!! :'( :'( :'(


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on June 27, 2005, 09:14:20 pm

I noticed that several of the 2005 attendees could have used this product.

http://www.jengajam.com/r/crack-spackle-crack


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on June 28, 2005, 06:48:46 pm
Oh Doris, you're so bad!!!! :'( :'( :'(

Isn't that the best way to have fun?   ;)


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 28, 2005, 08:59:53 pm
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"  

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."





Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on June 30, 2005, 12:24:29 pm
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
....full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-
free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple
of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".




Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on June 30, 2005, 08:00:12 pm

As seen in the Lower Shufflebottom Gazette



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on July 01, 2005, 11:54:48 am
For when life gets too tough


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on July 01, 2005, 04:51:15 pm
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No,! what do you mean?" says the newcomer."You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?", she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on July 01, 2005, 05:02:10 pm

Well I thought it was funny ;D

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/content/files/mpg/binmen.mpg


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 05, 2005, 04:30:05 pm

The U.S. National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh , sh*t!"
Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this sh*t."


Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 06, 2005, 04:52:32 pm
A pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the
usual "this won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill
in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "you have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other,
are we?"



Title: Re:The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on July 11, 2005, 05:04:02 pm
OPENING CEREMONY
>
> The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by Millwall FC
> supporter, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be
> contained in a large kebab van situated on the roof of the stadium.
>
> THE EVENTS
>
> In previous Olympic games, London's competitors have not been
> particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
> events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
>
> 100 METRES SPRINT
> Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
> in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
> be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
>
> 100 METRES HURDLES
> As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
> fences walls etc.)
>
> HAMMER
> Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
> (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
> grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
>
> FENCING
> Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry
> as possible in 5 minutes.
>
> SHOOTING
> A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
> first target will be a moving police van. In the second round,
> competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor
> style wages delivery man.
>
> BOXING
> Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
> will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
> Stella while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
> home. The bout will then commence.
>
> CYCLING TIME TRIALS
> Competitors will be asked to break into the bike sheds in one of
> capital's universities and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some
> mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All
> against the clock
>
> CYCLING PURSUIT
> As above but the bike will be owned by a member of the
> England rugby team, who will witness the theft.
>
> MODERN PENTATHLON
> Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding
> and arson.
>
> THE MARATHON
> A safe route has yet to be decided , but the competitors will be issued
> with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
> round the course.
>
> SWIMMING
> Competitors will be thrown off London bridge. The first three survivors
> back will decide the medals.  Walking on the surface is not allowed.
>
> MEN'S 50KM WALK
> Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
> guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of England's capital
> city.
>
> THE CLOSING CEREMONY
>
> Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
> Hackney Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock
> throwing and music by the Bethnal Green Community Choir. The Olympic
> flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine
> onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium.
> The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
> it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 13, 2005, 04:40:10 pm
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise
me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bobblehat on July 14, 2005, 10:24:36 am
These are (apparently) from actual GCSE essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open
again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

Mc Murphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled
with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
York at 6:36 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at
4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr
on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the
interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work. (I have actually got a brother called Phil)

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

`Oh, Jason, take me!` She panted, her breasts heaving like a student on
31p-a-pint-night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell
butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had
ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her
first of several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook
MP Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee
hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric
fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ecurie on July 14, 2005, 01:11:21 pm
Two guys go out for a night of drinking. As they don't have too much money, they have devised a cunning plan.

One of them sticks a big salami in his pants and after they have gotten their drink, the other one will kneel in front of him, open up the guys pants, take the salami in his mouth and act as giving him a blowjob.

"You'll see, they will throw us out and we won't have to pay anything"

They go into the first bar, order a scotch and after emptying their glas, they perform their act. Sure enough, the bartender says : "We will not allow such a disgusting behaviour in this establishment" and throws them out.

They continue this "blowjob" act with succes for the whole evening.

Finally, after 15 glasses of scotch, the first one says :
"I have had enough, I can't take anymore"

"Yeah" says the other, " me neither, especially after I lost the salami between the 3rd and 4th bar"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on July 14, 2005, 05:38:53 pm
Recently a Husband Superstore opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out on five floors, with men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.  The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands.....

First Floor.

The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second Floor.

The sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking, "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third Floor.

This sign read, "These men have high paid jobs, are extremely good looking,
love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so they went further up.

Fourth Floor.

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak."
"Oh mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth Floor.

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. 
The exit is to your left.
Have a nice day.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on July 15, 2005, 08:26:38 am
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side
of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man
enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar ...
The two builders start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit ......
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't
come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume
of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at
a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of
the builder ......
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me
mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by
profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a
goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a
bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a
large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this
town if you have a large garden then you have a
large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...
built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house
it is logical to assume that you haven't built it
just for yourself and that you are quite probably
married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four
children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are
sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not
masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've
told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what
he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a w**k*r.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on July 15, 2005, 01:08:40 pm
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop."Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 18, 2005, 02:25:14 pm
LIFE WITH THE WIFE
Being a man, I've never quite figured out why the sexual urge of
men and women differs so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene
gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't Feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????! ! ! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to
my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and
not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take ! the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings.
Let me tell you .she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck! I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this
is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled,  "WHAT??? ! ! ! "

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. "

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the THINGS
that I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on July 18, 2005, 06:07:20 pm
Sounds like the book "Men are from Venus women from Mars"  My book is going to be called "Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth, Deal with it"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on July 20, 2005, 10:54:41 am
Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a
vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast
little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up
old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of
their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is
coming up so surprise me!"

Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on July 20, 2005, 10:56:50 am
Back of the bus

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus and took a set at the back.
She noticed the man opposite her looking at here smiling but not taking his eyes off of her.
So she moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed even more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested thinking that he was disturbed.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition...
She sat under a sweet’s sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on July 22, 2005, 11:13:00 am
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now!
I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the
time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.

She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground
I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters!"



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Matt Harper on July 22, 2005, 10:03:46 pm
So these two families moved from Afghanistan to the USA. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet that in a year's time whichever family had become more americanised would win.
A year later they met. The fist man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The other guy says, "F*ck you, Raghead".


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on July 25, 2005, 10:45:38 am

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100
dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your
breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them

or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 25, 2005, 05:18:54 pm
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store . .
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot
on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished,
Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.
Joe Bob replied,"That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise
exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that
Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back
room to find it.
From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that
hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on July 25, 2005, 05:24:03 pm
   A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
>           through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his
>parents gave him.   Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father.
>"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are
>coming up with"  Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
>dogs how to talk!"
>
>           "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get Big
>Red in that program?"
>
>           "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get
>him into the course."
>
>           So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 of the way
>through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
>
>           "So how's Big Red doing, son?" his father asks.  "Awesome, dad,
>he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -
>they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a
>new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
>
>           "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to
>get him in that program?"
>
>           "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."His father sends
>the money.
>
>           The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
>find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
>
>           When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Big Red?
>I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
>
>           "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when
>I got out of the shower, Big Red was in the living room kicking back in the
>recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned
>to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little
>redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
>
>           The father says, "I hope you shot that lyin' son of a bitch!"
>
>           "I sure did, Dad!"
>
>           "That's my boy


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 02, 2005, 11:27:20 am
(http://www.cobraclub.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=3372)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on August 02, 2005, 02:02:36 pm
What should happen when Women cheat.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on August 03, 2005, 06:10:53 pm
A man is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says,
"Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful:

Christ! he says "Are you that strip-a-gram on my stag night that I screwed
on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your pal whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"

No she replies coldly,"I'm your son's English Teacher"...
 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on August 05, 2005, 12:49:57 pm
instructor in muslim-terrorist camp:
"Okay everybody, I'm going to demonstrate how you can blow yourself up using no more then common household chemicals and a simple detonating device! Watch carefully, I'm only going to demonstrate this once!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on August 05, 2005, 12:55:54 pm
 Too women were talking, one said "My daughter's marrying an irishman"
"Oh, really"
"No, O'Riley"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on August 05, 2005, 05:31:04 pm
Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen ???


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on August 05, 2005, 05:31:48 pm
Because they sell more tickets ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on August 05, 2005, 08:42:55 pm
A woman goes to the doctors feeling unwell, so they do some tests. The doctor then tells her to come back in a week for the results.
A week later her husband goes to the doctors to pick up the results. The doctor says "I'm sorry your wifes results have been mixed up with another lady. She either has a dodgy heart or has Aids"
"What should i do." asks the husband.
"Well you can send her on a 10 mile run and if she comes back don't shag her." The Doctor replied.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on August 05, 2005, 08:53:35 pm
John is walking along the beach feeling depressed after going through a messy divorce when he comes across an old sealed bottle, which he opens and a Genie appears.
"I have been in that bottle for a thousand years. As a thankyou i grant you three wishes on condition your wife will get the same but much bigger." says the Genie.
John thinks for a minute and says. " I wish for 100 million pounds"
He instantly becomes rich. But his wife becomes a billionaire.
"I wish to be relly attractive to the opposite sex."
He instantly becomes very handsome. His wife becomes the most stunning women seen by man.
"For my last wish i wish for a mild heart attack"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on August 08, 2005, 12:34:56 pm
Here's a good waste of ten minutes:

http://www.filecabi.net/v/file/bra-size/swf


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on August 11, 2005, 11:06:21 am
I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "P*ss off".

They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........f*ck, I could win this...........


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on August 11, 2005, 11:26:07 am
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and
350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay
man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally
plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all
the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car
park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you
react like that" he says.
"Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.
"Something about a job."

 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Scousers, are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls
but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but
is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the
scousers he has to leave. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can
manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them,
so he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC
Shitty Manc of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good
officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm
"Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take
a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already
hatched and the ****ers have managed to nick a motorbike already"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on August 12, 2005, 11:51:45 am
Birmingham Tornado Appeal
A Tornado Hit Birmingham on Wednesday causing widespread damage,
Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying 'bang out of order',
'mental' and 'that did my head in'. The Tornado decimated the area
causing in excess of £7.55 worth of damage. Several priceless
collections of mementoes from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond
repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were
destroyed. Many locals were woken before their Giro's arrived.
One resident, Tracey Sharon Smith a 15 year old mother of four said 'It
was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running into my bedroom
crying and my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin up
whilst I was watching Trisha'.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found numerous 'Elizabeth Duke'
sovereigns, benefit books, bone china from Poundstretcher and Argos
catalogues. However they have not managed to save any furniture from
Crazy George's as yet.
How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is
most sought after. Urgently needed are LaCoste tracksuits (his and hers
preferably), white socks, Burberry caps, woolly Benny hats and Reebok
trainers. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain's
Micro-chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch and Iceland Pizzas. Alcohol is
also in short supply, especially White lightening Cider and Carlsberg
Special Brew.
Cash Donations are also needed. 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing on,
2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner, 3.00 buys a blag CD (not an original
copy), 20 buys a fake M.O.T (or 10 gallons of red diesel to burn the
vehicle out) and 26.00 buys 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back
from Kavos.
 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on August 16, 2005, 03:40:01 pm
President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Blair sitting over there?"

The barman  says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour!  What are you guys doing in here?"

Blair says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to drop some H bombs and kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Blair and says, "See, I told you no one cares about the 140 million Muslims..."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on August 16, 2005, 09:27:20 pm
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North London and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
that she is a Spurs fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Spurs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

" Because I'm not a Spurs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then who are you a fan of?"
 
 "I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is an Arsenal fan and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be an Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on August 17, 2005, 05:38:49 pm
Women = problems, you do the maths.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: chrisbeatty on August 18, 2005, 01:47:31 pm
Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching
the six o'clock news.
The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton
Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.
Posh turns to Becks and says:
"David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!"
To which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he
doesn't."
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a
loud thud.
Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to
Posh.
But she refuses.
"I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I
was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going
to jump."
"No, babe, fair's fair" says David.
"That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as
you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he
would do it again."

**

The Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday,
just before the game, when Zidane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing
unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

**

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting
in the Kitchen department of a large department store. "What's
that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his
next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says
proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
"And what have you got in it?" ask the lads.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.

**

Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed.
The mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in
the world, decides to play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just
blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place".
So she takes the car home and tries it.
David spots her from the house and shouts
"You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"

**

David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts
happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating.
He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

**

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country
road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the cow was killed.
Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to
the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car
with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in
one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his
wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad
passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I
just killed the cow."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SmithA on August 19, 2005, 09:14:08 am
John checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a taxi.

He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a really sexy girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs, all the way up. You know the kind. So he's in his room and figured, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on August 22, 2005, 03:08:03 pm
A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a green bottle poking up out of the sand.

He picked it up and rubbed it, and 'lo-and-behold' a genie appeared!
The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.  I'm
a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

With all the troubles in the world today, the man didn't hesitate.  He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony. I can't stand the thought of the planet living in terror every day. It needs to end right now. This is my chance to make a difference."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Fella, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the ideal woman. You know, one that's like a filthy whore in the bedroom and like your mother in the kitchen, enjoys cleaning, washing, ironing and
all those other boring household chores, gets along with all my mates,  doesn't mind me watching sports all the time, let's me drink and smoke what I want when I want, thinks my farting and burping is funny, pays for both of us when we go out somewhere and is interested in cars.  That is what I wish for ... my ideal woman."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that f#cking map again."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 24, 2005, 04:38:05 pm
A blonde walks into the Home Furnishings department of John Lewis.

She tells the salesman "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains please"

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size she needs.
The blonde promptly replies "Fifteen inches"
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they are not for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains"

The blonde says "Hellloooooooo Iv'e got Windoooooows"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 25, 2005, 10:20:01 am
Corporate Lessons

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, But by the moments that take our breath away

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find Glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree, "sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on August 25, 2005, 05:03:21 pm
A five-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath....
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on August 25, 2005, 06:07:15 pm
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?
A. You put one leg over each ear.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on August 30, 2005, 01:41:46 pm
At the world brewing convention in the States the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the first days conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted at the barman "In Strylya we make the best bladdy beer in the world so pour me a bladdy Fosters mate"

Chuck, CEO of Budweiser, called out next,"In the States we brew the best goddam beers in the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud"

Hans stepped up next "In Germany ve invented zer beer, verdamt Give me ein Becks, das is der real king of beers, danke"

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, stepped forward "Barman oi'll just be avin a doyet coke wid oyce and lemon, tanks"

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazment written all over their faces.

Eventally Bruce asks "So Paddy how come you aint gonna have a bladdy Guinness?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you feckin pansies aren't drickin, den needer am I"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 31, 2005, 04:49:36 pm
A very bad day  :'(



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on August 31, 2005, 05:02:34 pm

Don't buy this car  :-\

http://www.cobraclub.com/cobragallery/data/3024/LittleCarWithBigAmbitions.wmv


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on August 31, 2005, 05:04:14 pm
The world has gone mad. A bloke's shoved a mole so far up his arse that it has to be removed with an electric carving knife. Then he farts in a surgeon's face, sets fire to his own bollocks and has the sheer nerve to sue the hapless hospital. He should be ashamed.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on August 31, 2005, 05:38:34 pm

Don't buy this car  :-\

http://www.cobraclub.com/cobragallery/data/3024/LittleCarWithBigAmbitions.wmv


what are the chances they are the people that bought smokie's van? ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on September 01, 2005, 11:20:57 am
A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the
rather dishy female behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to
him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him,
and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father
of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
whipped me and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's Language Teacher"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on September 01, 2005, 12:07:18 pm
A man is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says,
"Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful:

Christ! he says "Are you that strip-a-gram on my stag night that I screwed
on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your pal whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"

No she replies coldly,"I'm your son's English Teacher"...


Werner, see previous page!  ;)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 01, 2005, 05:00:09 pm

Werner, see previous page!  ;)

It's still funny the second time though  ;D



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on September 02, 2005, 12:17:11 pm
Tony Blair started to jog near his home in Chequers.

Every day, he'd jog passed a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds" She'd shout from the curb.

"No, five pounds" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurance.
He'd run by and she'd yell "Fifty pounds" He'd yell back "Five pounds"

One day Cherie decided that she would accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working womans corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he had been doing on his past outings.

He figured he had better have a good explanation for "the boss"

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner Tony became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitutes eyes as they jogged past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled "See what you got for your five pounds"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on September 02, 2005, 11:23:00 pm
A women wakes up after a good nights sleep, she turns to her husband and comments on the dream she had.
"I dream't you gave me a small gift wrapped present, and when i opened it it contained a diamond necklace, what could it mean."
The husband replied she would have to wait to see.
That evening the husband returns with a small gift wrapped present.
The wife excitedly opens it to reveal a small book entitled 'The  meaning of dreams'.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on September 06, 2005, 02:55:14 pm
ane and Steve are like any normal couple after 35 years, everything seems just too familiar.
They go to bed, wake up, go to work, home, bed and so on until one morning Jane wakes up and says to Steve,
I had a very weird dream last night. I dreamt that I went to a cock auction.
Steve, looking surprised, asks, What do you mean, what sort of cock auction?
Jane said, They were selling cocks. Big fat juicy cocks for £100, smaller thinner ones for £50 and small wrinkly old ones for £10.
Steve was thinking this was a little strange and asks Jane,
How much for one like mine?
Jane replies, They were giving them away for free at the door.

Steve goes to work really pissed off but the next day wakes up and says to Jane,
That dream you had last night, I had one just like that, but it was a pussy auction they were selling nice tight, smooth juicy pussies for £100, slightly looser with light stubble for £50 and wrinkly old dry pussy for £10.

Jane, looking for a compliment, turns over and asks, How much for one like mine?
Steve replies, Funny you should mention that, that’s where they were holding the auction.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 06, 2005, 04:16:12 pm
I should probably delete that one Neilsie, but it made me laugh.

However, a gentle reminder to all that we do try to maintain a certain standard here...


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on September 06, 2005, 09:54:43 pm
HA HA ! Leave it. ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on September 07, 2005, 10:04:41 pm
Three men; one German, one Japanese and an Texan were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

"A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.

"The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.The Texan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on September 08, 2005, 12:53:46 pm
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshellst ogether gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the  pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on September 08, 2005, 04:55:43 pm
(http://)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on September 09, 2005, 11:16:13 am
John is walking along the beach feeling depressed after going through a messy divorce when he comes across an old sealed bottle, which he opens and a Genie appears.
"I have been in that bottle for a thousand years. As a thankyou i grant you three wishes on condition your wife will get the same but much bigger." says the Genie.
John thinks for a minute and says. " I wish for 100 million pounds"
He instantly becomes rich. But his wife becomes a billionaire.
"I wish to be relly attractive to the opposite sex."
He instantly becomes very handsome. His wife becomes the most stunning women seen by man.
"For my last wish i wish for a mild heart attack"


....now the follow-up...



His wife had a heart attack much milder than his!!!


The moral is ....Choose your words carefully.

Del


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on September 09, 2005, 05:00:32 pm
Think thats wrong ?



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on September 09, 2005, 05:04:45 pm
(http://www.gadgetryblog.com/photos/uncategorized/badparenting_1.jpg)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on September 13, 2005, 08:59:31 pm
Things you'll never hear at a Nascar Race

"None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."

"Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."

"Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!"

"My God, this is a splendid Merlot!"

"Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"

"Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case."

"What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"

"These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"

"Whew! No more beer for me, fellas."

"And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"





Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on September 15, 2005, 05:14:47 pm
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.  "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on September 15, 2005, 09:56:25 pm
A man walks into a bar and orders two triple whiskys. The barman asks  'What you celebrating.'
'My first blowjob' the man replies.
'Congratulations' said the barman 'let me buy you another one.'
'Sure why not, if two won't shift the taste perhaps the third will.'


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on September 15, 2005, 11:29:49 pm
A man goes into a hairdressers, and asks "how long for a haircut" the hairdresser replies " 1 hour" , the guy says"  i will come back then" but never does, returns the next day to ask "how long for a haircut" "2 hours" says the hairdresser, but the guy dosnt return, only to come in the day after to ask "how long for a haircut" the hairdresser replies "at least 2 hours" curious the hairdresser tells the junior to follow him and see why he never returns, when the junior comes back the hairdresser asks "did you find out where this guy goes"  "yes says the junior , your house"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on September 16, 2005, 10:45:39 am
A woman's logic explained :-
 
 
The Points System
 
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
 
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and  you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
 
Here is a guide to the points system:
 
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
In the snow +8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40
 
 
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18
 
 
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team -10
 
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
 
 
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..-15
 
 
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
 
 
THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20
 
 
COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned  expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200
 
ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
 
 
GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!
 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 22, 2005, 12:41:04 am
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient!

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news
is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with
the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's
dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 23, 2005, 10:06:29 am
Billy Bob and Jimmy Joe were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Jimmy Joe,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a
little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Earlene with me."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on September 23, 2005, 06:05:59 pm
13 things that annoy Billy Connolly.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their #### to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. so what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 23, 2005, 07:03:02 pm
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Famous Grouse whisky and women with big tits."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 23, 2005, 07:04:09 pm
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 23, 2005, 07:16:30 pm
A guy with a tall hat walks into a cafe and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. He eats one bite and leaves the cafe without paying. The waitress is pissed and tells the manager. The manager runs outside looking for the man with the tall hat and sees him walking up some stairs down the street.

The manager follows him up the stairs and realizes he went into a whore house. The manager asks to know where the gentleman with the tall hat is and the madam reluctantly points to his room.

The manager knocks a couple times and with no reply he kicks in the door. He sees the man eating this girl out and angerly asks him why he didn't pay for his soup. The gentleman with the tall hat replied that there was a hair in his soup. The manager says "You have your face in that and your worried about a hair in your soup???." The gentleman says "Yup, and if I find a chicken noodle in here I'm not paying for this either!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on September 23, 2005, 07:50:22 pm
Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveB on September 26, 2005, 11:40:01 pm
I hear President Bush believes that Al Qaeda are responsible for the flooding in New Orleans. Apparently he thinks it was a suicide plumber.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on September 27, 2005, 01:19:26 pm
A HEART RENDING STORY AND A COMPASSIONATE MAN

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot.

I consider telling people what they ought to do as one of my strong points...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her.

Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is another one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,
Ron


EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb.3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing.. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it, and died.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on September 29, 2005, 10:27:05 am
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude:  What in the hell is that?
 
Mable:  A condom.  This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
 
Maude:  Where did you get it?
 
Mable:  You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
 
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very  delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
 
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
 
The pharmacist fainted.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on September 30, 2005, 10:47:01 pm
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm..... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?"
And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night"
Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 03, 2005, 04:30:23 pm
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm.  By following the simple advice I read
in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have
started".

So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on October 03, 2005, 05:02:02 pm
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the
same tag-line...

Sainsbury condoms - Making life taste better.

Tesco condoms - Every little helps.

Nike condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey national condoms - Because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.

Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.

f**k condoms - No comment required.

Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms - Size really does matter.

Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.

Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim (please).

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.

Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world.

AA condoms - For our customers we're the 4th emergency service.

Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.

Polo condoms - The condom with the hole.

And finally, with a prize for the best answer:

Tropicoma condoms - .............................................................

Del

 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 03, 2005, 05:33:52 pm
Tropicoma Condoms - The Liver Is Evil And Must Be Punished (Internally) Condoms


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on October 06, 2005, 12:35:53 pm
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with . . a misdewiener!



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on October 06, 2005, 02:40:29 pm
Two from Pidge (who dares not post his jokes here after he got told off once!!) :)
________________________________________________________________

I went into the gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

________________________________________________________________

"What the American people have seen is this incredible disparity in which those people who had cars and money got out and those people who were impoverished died."

-- Ted Kennedy on Hurricane Katrina
 

"Ditto"

-- Mary Jo Kopechne


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: ecurie on October 09, 2005, 03:04:04 pm
Nice one.

http://www.funnynation.be/filmpjes_details.php?ID=20



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 10, 2005, 11:19:19 pm
Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
 
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty they are like onions."
 
"Onions?"
 
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
 
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
 
"A Christmas tree?"
 
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on October 11, 2005, 06:37:48 pm
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" president Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 12, 2005, 01:31:33 am
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" president Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"


Read The Times today H??


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on October 13, 2005, 12:10:01 am
Two old men sat in deck chairs, one said "its nice out, isnt it" the other said "yes, but put it away, theres a policeman coming" ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 13, 2005, 11:33:31 am
Kate Moss meets Jeremy Clarkson at London Premier.

"I'm a Supermodel" says Kate, "Who are you?"

" I do Top Gear" says Clarkson.

Kate says "Great, I'll have 4 raps!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on October 13, 2005, 11:45:57 am
Her favourite TV show is     

"Who's line is it anyway?"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SteveZarse on October 13, 2005, 01:04:50 pm
This is an extract from the latest Mills and Boon Novel. With writing like this there really is no need for pictures.


"We met in our secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

"We lay there, both as nature had intended. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.

"Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

"Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

"Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, 'Baa' before rejoining the flock."

(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on October 13, 2005, 05:28:15 pm
(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)

No it's not.  I'm fairly sure you can pick one up in Wales as well.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: skorpio on October 15, 2005, 12:38:39 am
(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)

No it's not.  I'm fairly sure you can pick one up in Wales as well.
----------------------------------

  No, sorry, it's been banned in Wales,too explicit  ;) ;D   {and too accurate  :o ;D :D}


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on October 16, 2005, 11:14:12 am
Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon
Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
 
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
 
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He
went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
 
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one
more time just to be sure he is OK?"
 
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and
looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous
sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
 
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice
down there in Hell," says Jeff.
 
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the
keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 17, 2005, 01:24:04 pm
A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's lift.

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She looks arrogantly at the old lady and says, "Georgio, £100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. In an effort to outdo she turns to the two other women and says,  "Chanel, £150 an ounce."

The old lady had just about enough of this showing off and as she arrives at her floor, the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over picks up her bags and farts and says, ............"Broccoli, 49 pence a pound."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on October 19, 2005, 09:42:56 am
Story with a moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have
a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival
knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on October 20, 2005, 11:25:09 am
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them
up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they
send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat
disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he
went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that
the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We
collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and
then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on October 20, 2005, 12:00:54 pm
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a
woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with
that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?" to which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then
with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands
in, and then I slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gu n and park him behind
a bridge..."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 20, 2005, 01:00:42 pm
A new style of trainers have been released specifically aimed at the lesbian market.

Called "Nikes 4 Dykes" they come with an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 20, 2005, 10:45:37 pm
WIFE: "If I died, would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Of course not!"

WIFE: "No? Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do!!!"

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Alright, I would."

WIFE (looking hurtful): "You would?"

HUSBAND: "I would, but only because it was so good with you."

WIFE: "And you'd sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would you want us to sleep?"

WIFE: "And you'd replace all my photographs with hers?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, it's only natural, I guess."

WIFE: "And she'd use my car?"

HUSBAND: "No. She can't drive."

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND: "Oh F***!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on October 20, 2005, 11:32:57 pm
A plane has just left Stansted Airport for Spain when a blonde in economy  class gets up from her seat and moves up to the First Class section and  takes a empty seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she has only got a economy class fare and that she will have to return to that section.  The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Spain and I'm staying here".

The flight attendant tries to talk her round but to no avail so she reports the situation to the flight deck.

After a few minutes the co-pilot arrives at First Class section to speak with the blonde. Her explains that she can not use the First Class facility holding only an economy class ticket, and that she must move back.  The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Spain and I'm staying right here".

Exasperated the co-pilot reports back to the Captain stating that it was no good and he thinks that they should have the police waiting for her on arrival.

The Captain says, "You say she's blonde with an Essex accent, white high heel shoes etc".  "I'll handle this, I'm married to an Essex blonde and I speak blonde".   He makes his way to the blonde and on arrival, whispers in her ear, and she say's "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea,"'gets up and moves back to the economy class.

The flight attendant and the co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he had said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied,  "I told her the First Class section isn't going to Spain"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on October 21, 2005, 12:07:57 am
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the pub, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! - A torso pops out!

The pub is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" But the bartender still
shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.

The pub goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The
bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink
and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.

The pub is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and
tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says... "That boy should have quit while he was a head!"

 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on October 21, 2005, 10:11:34 am
I think I knew hom Rhino.

When he was younger his parents would take great pleasure in wrapping up his Christmas present and placing it under the tree, only for the the son to turn around on Christmas Day and ask "It's not another bloody hat is it?"

And when he was at school he joined the swimming team. In his first race the starter fired the pistol and the head just rolled off the starting block and sunk to the bottom of the pool. The lifeguards pulled him out and the fathger rushed over and shouted "are you alright" and the son replied "yeah, I just got cramp!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on October 21, 2005, 04:29:01 pm
How do you get a fat bird into your bed?











Piece of cake!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on October 21, 2005, 10:33:37 pm
Advantages of older women having a baby, no need to take the baby out the cot when breastfeeding.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 24, 2005, 04:49:58 pm
Doncha just want to do this sometimes?

http://tinyurl.com/9pmnz


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 24, 2005, 06:14:23 pm
Doncha just want to do this sometimes?

http://tinyurl.com/9pmnz

What? sign up for MSN?  ;)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 24, 2005, 07:37:39 pm
Well,,,,it didn't work just right.  Wrong one, will try again.  Sorry about that..

http://www.funny.co.uk/fun-and-games/art_170-1273-Funny-Video-Clip-Penguin-Tripping-Penguin.html


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: mgmark on October 27, 2005, 09:54:09 am
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
 
MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it?
           
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.   An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.   As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
 
WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.   The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.  The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
 
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 0500 for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and therefore LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 0500."   He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 0900 and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 0500. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bobblehat on October 27, 2005, 10:33:09 am
Isnt it a shame that after two Pope John Pauls, they could not of called the next  Pope, George Ringo.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on October 27, 2005, 04:37:11 pm
A little early for this but it's only two months away.

http://www.flashfunpages..com/couple.swf


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on October 27, 2005, 05:03:17 pm
I think I knew hom Rhino.

When he was younger his parents would take great pleasure in wrapping up his Christmas present and placing it under the tree, only for the the son to turn around on Christmas Day and ask "It's not another bloody hat is it?"

And when he was at school he joined the swimming team. In his first race the starter fired the pistol and the head just rolled off the starting block and sunk to the bottom of the pool. The lifeguards pulled him out and the fathger rushed over and shouted "are you alright" and the son replied "yeah, I just got cramp!"

ROTFLMAO!

Mark you are a sick man.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on October 27, 2005, 05:39:26 pm
Isnt it a shame that after two Pope John Pauls, they could not of called the next  Pope, George Ringo.

Some wit said the other day, "It's a tragedy, the Beatles are dying in the wrong order".


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on October 28, 2005, 11:02:16 am
I know you all love Pikies so you should like this one


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 28, 2005, 02:44:01 pm
How to name a website without thinking it through properly 


Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

http://www.whorepresents.com

The Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:

http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:

http://www.therapistfinder.com

There is an Italian Power company:

http://www.powergenitalia.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on October 28, 2005, 02:48:05 pm
Forty gypsies arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

St Peter said  ''Sorry, we've only got room for 12. You have to decide amongst yourselves who is coming in.''

Five minutes later, St Peter says to God '' They've gone''.

God said '' What, all forty?'' 

St Peter says '' No , the f***ing gates"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on October 28, 2005, 04:22:25 pm
I know you all love Pikies so you should like this one  http://lemans.tmdg.co.uk/PikeyinRenault5.wmv


LOL !

Looks alot like a trip to Sebring Adventure I had once.
Borrowed a travel trailer sight unseen[way BIGGER than told]
damn near killed us and the truck. LOL!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on November 01, 2005, 12:25:07 am
I was really happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.  My friends liked her and encouraged me, my parents and her parents agreed we'd make a fine couple and helped us in every way.   

And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and it bothered me very much.  It was her younger sister.  My prospective sister-in-law was stunningly beautiful, twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses.  She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I got there and she said that she had feelings and desires for  me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her big sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm  going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want me, come
up and get me." :o

I was stunned. I just froze in shock as I watched her gorgeous ass as she climbed the stairs. :P :P

When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them
down to me!

I stood there for a moment, then turned, opened the door and stepped out of the house and turned towards my car.

Imagine my shock! My future father-in-law was standing outside the house with tears in his eyes!

He hugged me and said, "I am SO happy that you have passed our
little test.  I couldn't ask for better husband for my daughter, and as a reward I'm going to give you $50,000 towards a house for you both.  Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is,

..........




Always keep your condoms in your car.

;)



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on November 01, 2005, 10:08:44 am
I walked into a public toilet at the services on the M1 today where I
found
two cubicles. One was already occupied so I entered the other one,
closed
the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

Suddenly, a voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how you
doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah,
not
too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what you up to mate?"

Again I answered, although somewhat reluctantly - unsure what to say, I
replied "Umm, just having a quick poo How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d!ckhead in the
loo
next to me answering everything I say


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on November 03, 2005, 10:11:27 pm
Hot off the press!


Today, David Blunkett has released the following statement:




... . ... .. .... ... .. .... . . . . ..... .. . .. . ... .... . . .
.....
. . . . . . .. . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . .. . . .. . ......
... . .... . ..... . . . . .... ... . . .... ...... . ...... ..... ... .
...... ..... . ...... . . . ......... .. . . .... . ....... .. ...... .
....... ...... .. . .... .. ....... .... .. ... .. .. . . .... ... . .
........ . . . ...... . . . ...... .. ... ..... . ... .... ... ... ..
...
.. . ... .. .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... . . ... . ... .... . . . .
..... . . . . . . ... . ... . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . . . . .. . .
...... ... . .... . ..... . . . . .... ... . .... ....... .


 ;D ;D ;D
 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on November 03, 2005, 10:21:28 pm
An expert in wasps walks past a second hand record shop when he notices in the window a record on the sounds of different kinds of wasps. Excitedly he goes in and asks if he can listen to it.
The owner plays the first track and the wasp expert looks puzzled, not recognising it he listens to a couple of tracks with the same result.
The owner looks at the record and apologetically says to  the expert,
'Im sorry its on the bee side'.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on November 04, 2005, 09:38:40 am
Sorry Cat Lovers!!



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on November 05, 2005, 11:16:05 pm
Women: if you must walk down the street yawning, be aware that men passing you will mentally place their knob in your gob. Sorry, that's just the way it is. Be aware.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: tink on November 09, 2005, 01:19:45 am
A man and his wife are invited to a halloween mascarade party...So the husband begins to get dressed in his costume, as he asks his wife "arent u goin with me?", the wife replys no i feel under the weather...So the husband finishes the final touches on his costume and put his mask on...As he walks out the door his wife jumps out of bed and puts on a second costume she bought to fool her man..She dresses swiftly and soon arrives at the party..Looking around she see's her husband flirting with other women..She plays it off and aproaches him....Whispering in his ear erotic sexual tendancies...After a few drinks shes offers to have sex with him...and he agrees, so as they enter an empty room she refuses to keep the lights off, in order to hide her identity...After some pationate kissing and oral sex, they proceed to have the wildest sex she had ever encountered....Hours later they both part ways...And she sneeks back home waiting to hear a much suspected lie....Minutes later the husband arrives home, she pretends to be asleep, eagerly asking him "so, how was the party".. He answers "it was boring so me and the guys played some poker all night"..."well that sounds interesting" says the wife...The husband lays down and hugs her from behind, then he says "Oh, and by the way, i ran into your father and let him borrow my costume because he spilled wine on his".........


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on November 09, 2005, 12:03:18 pm
Message from Osama


After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it
at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6
cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding
the message upside down."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on November 09, 2005, 02:24:35 pm
It's an old one - but I don't remember seeing it here before...

A young lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the boy so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The boy said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101,237.64." The boy replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the >hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's screwed, you might as well go fishing.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on November 09, 2005, 09:03:47 pm
Message from Osama


After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it
at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6
cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding
the message upside down."


Hi Nordic

Just thinkinng this would be a great number plate

Hope you are keeping well

Martini...


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on November 09, 2005, 10:19:12 pm
Gonna be a long number plate ::)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on November 09, 2005, 10:59:29 pm
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on November 11, 2005, 01:05:32 am
Wife comes home from clothes shopping one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.  :o

She calls him all the names under the sun, before telling him she's leaving him for good.
       
He says, "OK, but hang on, don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

"Explanation? !!!  You've got an 'explanation!??" she yells.  "This had
better be good!"

He says, "Well, I was driving home from work, when I saw this here young lady hitching a lift in dirty torn clothes, with no shoes on her feet, all muddy and crying, so I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.  She thanked me and I brought her home.

She took a shower, and afterwards I gave her the underwear that
I bought you but you don't wear because it doesn't fit you anymore, the blue silk blouse and those slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once.  I also gave her the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice.  I also gave her that nice suede jacket that hasn't been out of your closet in 2 years.

When she was dressed I made her a sandwhich with the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me.

Then I showed her to the door.

She was really, really grateful for all the things I'd given her, and thanked me profusely for what I'd done for her.

Then, as she was about to leave she turned and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

And I got to thinking.............. ;)




Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on November 14, 2005, 11:03:48 am
A man goes to the zoo...

But when he arrives there is only a dog...

It was a shitzu.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on November 14, 2005, 05:07:24 pm
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
> sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
> down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
>
> Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
> towards the man.
>
> He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
>
> "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
> place.
>
> "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
>
> They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
> theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
> deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
>
> After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
> her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.
>
> They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
>
> The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
>
> The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
>
> "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
> every guy you meet?"
>
>
> "No," she replies........."

>
>
>
> "You just happened to catch my eye."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on November 14, 2005, 05:08:31 pm
A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a
>> >severe
>> > stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful  landlady.
>> > "Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman.
>> > Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui  gui........"
>> > Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th......................"
>> > "Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve
>> > someone
>> > else.
>> >
>> > She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are  ready to order yet.
>> > "Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman "Three ints of
> gui
>> > gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
>> > And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th...........".
>> > "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet?
>> > "If any one of you  can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll
> let
>> > you
>> > make love to me!"
>> > Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman.
>> > "Where do you live then boyo?"
>> > "C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr....    ."
>> > "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman,
>> >
>> > "Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.
>> > "E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
>> >
>> > "No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.
>> >
>> > "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
>> > "London" blurts out the Irishman.
>> >
>> > "Oh no!" says the landlady.
>> >
>> > A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him
> by
>> > the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she  strips to her
>> > underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
> Finally
>> > she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with
> concentration
>> > furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at
>> > the
>> > end
>> > he suddenly screams out...........
>> >
>> > ".......D D D Derry!!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SmithA on November 16, 2005, 08:19:08 am
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.
"You look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and
see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days." The
little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you
are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a
little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having
unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that -
I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with
other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on November 16, 2005, 06:46:45 pm
One from this side of the pond:

Late one night as a man's wife walked into his study, he looked up and said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
 
So his wife walked over and unplugged the cable modem.... 

-Lee


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Canada Phil on November 17, 2005, 01:22:05 am
And from Newfoundland.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.

"With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES!
I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 MORAL-
Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: SmithA on November 17, 2005, 10:33:09 am
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.  After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place.  After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my ballsin your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.  But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin  yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the b!tch stole ma wallet!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on November 18, 2005, 03:56:30 pm
Canada Phil was a tourist in London awhile back and decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own.  He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
chat with the lads and have a pint of Guinness.  After a while, he finds
himself in a very high-class area; big, stately residences, no pubs, no
shops, no restaurants and worst of all, NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness.  He finds a
narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve his problem.  As he is unzipping, he is
tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you
simply cannot do that here, you know."  "I'm very sorry, officer," replies
the Canada Phil, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO and I just can't find a
public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me." He leads him to a back
"delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"
points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, SIR, anywhere you want."  Phil enters
and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen; manicured
grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of
gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he
unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really
decent of you.  Is that what you call "British Hospitality?" "No, sir,"
replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy.".

NO this really wasn't Canada Phil but it sounds about like him, eh?
Sorry Gilles, nothing personal you understand.




Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on November 18, 2005, 05:05:35 pm
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:

1. High fever

2. Congestion

3. Nausea

4. Fatigue

5. Aching in the joints

6. An irresistible urge to sh*t on someone's car.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on November 19, 2005, 12:26:18 am
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the
street when a little girl on her new shiny bike
stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said,
"Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl
a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the
back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it
to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the
horse, not on top."



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on November 19, 2005, 12:32:57 am
 

Johnevens3 was walking along a Texan beach  deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The johneven3  said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"




Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 21, 2005, 09:37:19 pm
A bit early but  ............

Things you can only say at Christmas and live!

 
1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on November 22, 2005, 12:22:51 pm
A beer before it starts!

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Woman, Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long ?"


The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t, it's started!"



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on November 22, 2005, 11:13:16 pm
Thisis a bit old but I don't recall seeing it here before.  :-) 

IS HELL EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHEMIC?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, '...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on November 23, 2005, 09:34:22 am
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like shaggin' a kangaroo... I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on November 23, 2005, 03:45:39 pm
The Government in Vietnam has banned Christmas lights this year.

A spokesman said, They would be hanging Glitter instead.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on November 23, 2005, 06:13:36 pm

Mandatory Office Equipment - a must

http://www.bassfiles.net/MandatoryOfficeEquipment.htm


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on November 23, 2005, 09:34:56 pm
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that she had caused: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary... Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old, and both of you still believe in genies?"
 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on November 24, 2005, 12:33:04 pm
AHHH, A happy marriage!!!!!

 
Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.  These last two weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.  Last week
you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.  You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the
game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore.  Whatever
the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was,"You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on November 24, 2005, 02:58:11 pm
A young lad parks in a Disabled Parking spot.
A Policeman notice's that he seems to be quite fit, so walks up and asks him what his disability is?
Young man replies...
                                 
                                 Terrets - F**K OFF


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: pretzel on November 24, 2005, 05:16:46 pm
A young lad parks in a Disabled Parking spot.
A Policeman notice's that he seems to be quite fit, so walks up and asks him what his disability is?
Young man replies...
                                 
                                 Terrets - F**K OFF

Was he dyslexic as well?


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on November 24, 2005, 07:15:46 pm
Im sorry but this one needs explaining to me  ??? ???


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on November 24, 2005, 11:50:52 pm
Im sorry but this one needs explaining to me  ??? ???

Tourettes is a condition where sufferers involountarily swear uncontrollably!

Dan..........where's Gary??


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on November 25, 2005, 10:26:11 am
A young lad parks in a Disabled Parking spot.
A Policeman notice's that he seems to be quite fit, so walks up and asks him what his disability is?
Young man replies...
                                 
                                 Terrets - F**K OFF

Was he dyslexic as well?
No, the F***king B****ard just couldnt spell!!!!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on November 25, 2005, 04:52:24 pm
It is only a small error

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would
be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." So he goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of
years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his
head against the wall and wailing "We forgot the 'R', We forgot the
'R'". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a
choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is 'celebrate'."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 02, 2005, 10:34:17 am
Why do women live longer than men?












Because they don't have wives.




Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Paddy_NL on December 02, 2005, 11:08:06 am
Why do women live longer than men?

because women don't get hiddiously drunk at meetings, and look like this the following morning>>

(http://gnarf.nl/ForummeetingEindhovennovember2005/photos/photo89.jpg)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Fran on December 02, 2005, 12:07:37 pm
That is one of the scariest things i have seen in a long time!  :o


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 02, 2005, 01:11:36 pm
Why do women live longer than men?

because women don't get hiddiously drunk at meetings, and look like this the following morning>>


I beg to differ...


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 02, 2005, 01:57:02 pm
European Alert Levels -


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings. The
official warning level has just been raised from "miffed" to "peeved."
Soon, though, the levels may be raised yet again to "irritated" or even
"a bit cross." Londoners have not been at "a bit cross" since the Blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance." The last time a
"bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was during the Great Fire in
1666.


Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two
higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The rise
was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing their military capability.


It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. The
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and
excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing." Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides."


The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful
arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have
two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose."


Seeing this reaction in Continental Europe, the Americans have gone
from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the Middle East
ripe for regime change." Their remaining higher alert states are
"attack the world" and "beg the British for help."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 06, 2005, 12:06:24 am
Ten Best Things to Say if you get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk:
 
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
 
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
 
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
 
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
 
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
 
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
 
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big funding problem."
 
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
 
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"
 
AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
 
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen".


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DavidsDad on December 06, 2005, 12:17:36 am
You've probably seen this before, but it made me smile ;D anyway.

Apolgies to anyone of the French persuasion.  ;)


Four people are in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young  blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes pitch dark when the train goes through a tunnel.

In the blackness there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.


The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."


The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up  soon so I can slap that French bloke again."
 ;D ;D ;D




Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Gilles on December 06, 2005, 09:01:58 am
that's the reason why I prefer not to walk into campsites at night !!!!!!!!!!!!!  :P ;)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neal on December 06, 2005, 02:26:53 pm
With apologies to our French members. Go to Google, type in French Military Victories, and hit I feel lucky ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Kpy on December 06, 2005, 02:46:37 pm
Now try HONEST GEORGE BUSH and hit I'm feeling lucky.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 07, 2005, 12:06:23 pm
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks him "Is your date running late?"

"No" he replies "Q has given me this state-of-art watch, I was just testing it"

The intrigued woman says "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

Bond explains "It uses Alpha Waves to talk to me telepathically"

The lady says "Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers"

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers"

Bond taps his watch, smirks and says "Bloody thing, it's five minutes fast"



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 08, 2005, 11:52:42 am
A scouser walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a job." 

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her  on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.  You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The  starting salary is £200,000 a year plus a generous pension scheme" 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullsh**ttin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: hgb on December 08, 2005, 01:17:00 pm
Sorry Steve but I think it's time to introduce the time line.  ;)

(http://www.jonrb.com/pix/timeline.jpg)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 08, 2005, 04:18:31 pm
 Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends." Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say Father, please." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Brydie Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I will not! name her." "Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?" "My lips are sealed, Father." "Was it Fiona McDonald then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

      Tommy walks back to his pew.

      His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

      "Three month's vacation and five good leads."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 09, 2005, 03:42:56 pm
When a woman wears leather

clothing, ........

a man's heart beats

quicker, his throat gets dry,

he goes weak

in the knees

and he begins

to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?
*
*

*

*

*
Because she smells like a new truck.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 09, 2005, 03:56:24 pm
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening

with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. "

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you
can call the

Bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,"
he said.



Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.



"There's no money in that account."



"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"





Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on December 12, 2005, 10:35:21 am
Chav nativity



There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit   He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep
an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on December 13, 2005, 12:56:26 pm
One for the Liverpool Boys!

A Scouse Christmas Carol (To the tune of Mistletoe and Wine)

Christmas time, drunkenness and crime,
Children playing - in filth and grime,
With cars on fire - and trainees under tree
Time to rejoice - in be-ing scally,

It's a time for stealing, a time for receiving,
Knock-off gear - worra great feelin
Why pay top dollar - yer can nick it for free,
Just like our lecky, - gas and TV

Christmas time, pissups all the time
Nicking ciggies, - spirits and wine
Wearing-shell-suits and Nykees - all knocked off gear
It's great getting pissed - on someone else's beer

Its a time for drinkin - six packs of Stella
Dat yer got - from some dodgy Fella
Christmas is sound - Christmas is best
God bless our Cilla - and the DHSS

Christmas time - time to joy-ride
Then go and visit - family inside
With Dad on a six stretch - and sis up the duff
This 'City of Culcher' can get pretty rough

So next time your driving - through Liverpool-city
You may just know why - the streets look so sh!tty
So keep a sharp eye out - for those dodgy deals
But don't drive too slow - or they'll pinch all four wheels


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: neilsie on December 14, 2005, 11:27:19 am
Police today admitted that George Best was not buried in Belfast last week and, in retrospect, the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday was a mistake.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 14, 2005, 03:20:18 pm
Norman and his blonde wife live in Northern Colorado. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to get 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife moves her car to the even numbered side of the street.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife moves her car again, this time to the odd numbered side of the street.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says......We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park your car......................"......THEN all of the electric power goes out !!!

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband................."Honey, I don't know what to do..... Which side of the street do I need to park the car on so the snow plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men exhibit.... who
are married to Blondes Norman says..................


"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: tink on December 14, 2005, 04:10:54 pm
george best was on his death bed, when the doctor came in and said 'i've got some good news and some bad news. what do you want to hear first?'

so george replies 'may as well give me the bad news first'

the doctor regretably informs him 'you only have an hour to live'

distraught, george asks what the good news could possibly be. the doctor tells him 'its happy hour'


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on December 15, 2005, 10:27:47 am
A 60-year old man,  a 70-year old man and an 80-year old man were talking about their age related woes.

"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the sixty year old, "Yoy always feel like you have to pee but you stand there and nothing comes out"

"Ah, thats nothing" said the seventy year old "When you're seventy you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet for hours and nothing comes out"

"Actually" said the eighty year old "Eighty is the worst age of all"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" said the 60 year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00, I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all"

"So, do have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No I have one every morning at 6:30"

Exasperated the 60 year old said "You pee every morning at 6:00 and you take a crap at 6:30, so whats so bad about being 80?"


"I don't wake up until 7:00"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 18, 2005, 10:51:23 am
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

"Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land.
But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 18, 2005, 10:53:15 am
Animals : Smart dogs

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 20, 2005, 05:07:20 pm
Jack wakes up at home with a hangover he can't believe.  He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.   He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the Morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and  got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies,
"Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"


Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time .........Priceless!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on December 20, 2005, 08:11:59 pm
Have we had this one before ? 


An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. 

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."


Title: Happy Christmas
Post by: neilsie on December 21, 2005, 11:18:31 am
http://tinyurl.com/3g2d


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on December 23, 2005, 05:11:17 pm
Separate Bedrooms

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.

When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

Moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has its advantages...


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 28, 2005, 12:22:24 pm
Been doing some 'spring cleaning' and found this in a pile of papers.  Hope it's not been on already...


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days.
Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.  He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.  "Look Michael.  Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God,  "and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" enquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.  Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah." said God.  "That's Britain.  The most glorious place on Earth.  There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills.  The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world.  They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?  You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w***ers I'm putting next to them in France."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on December 28, 2005, 04:19:12 pm
Nymphomaniacs of America
   
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he Glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"  She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago "
   
  He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
   
  Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my  personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."  "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
   
  "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
   
  Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best.  I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is  the Southern Redneck."
   
  Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
   
  "Tonto," the man blurted out, "Tonto  Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on December 29, 2005, 11:44:23 am
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me!  I'd love to be able to do that!  It seems a sort of thing a man should do.  Oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.  It'd be so great!  When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals I could just stand there and let it fly.  It'd be cool, I could write my name in the sand.  Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam wanted that so badly, that he should have it.  It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position.

He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left here?

Oh yes, Multilple orgasms...."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 05, 2006, 01:58:42 pm
1981--2005

YEAR 1981

1.  Prince Charles got married.
2.  Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3.  Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4.  Pope died.

  YEAR 2005

  1.  Prince Charles got married.
  2.  Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
  3.  Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
  4.  Pope died.


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 06, 2006, 05:48:20 pm
(http://www.cobraclub.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=4595&d=1136549052)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 09, 2006, 01:36:41 pm
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brushy on January 09, 2006, 08:44:33 pm
If Charles Kennedys car broke down would he phone the AA? ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 10, 2006, 09:56:06 pm
A Texan is drinking in a New York Bar.  He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
 
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy.
 
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard.  One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
 
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
 
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
 
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
 
The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star (beer), wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 13, 2006, 10:08:39 am
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"!
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting

behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good!" and continued teaching her class.
A little later, the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savoir?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the
butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.
Again, the Nun said, "Very good!"
Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun then asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?"
And once again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,
I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 13, 2006, 12:19:42 pm
WORST QUIZ ANSWERS EVER!!!!



>>Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
>>Contestant: Jool carriageway.
>>
>>Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
>>Contestant: Bombay.
>>
>>Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
>>Contestant: Crocodiles.
>>Robinson: Wh...?
>>Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
>>
>>Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling
>>entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
>>Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
>>
>>Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written
>>by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
>>Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
>>
>>NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
>>
>>Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the
>>initials G.B.S.?
>>Contestant: William Shakespeare.
>>
>>CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
>>
>>Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
>>Caller: Japan.
>>Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
>>that, I can let you try again.
>>Caller: Er... Mexico?
>>
>>FAMILY FORTUNES
>>
>>1) Something a blind man might use? A Sword
>>2) A song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
>>3) Name the capital of France? F
>>4) Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
>>5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
>>6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
>>7) What is Hitler's first name? Heil
>>8) A famous Scotsman? Jock
>>9) Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde.
>>10) A dangerous race? The Arabs
>>11) Something that floats in a bath? Water
>>12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
>>13) Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair
>>14) A famous Royal? Mail
>>15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with
>>wings
>>16) A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
>>17) Something a cat does? Goes to the toilet
>>18) Something you do in the bathroom?  Decorate
>>19) A method of securing your home?  Put the kettle on
>>20) Something associated with pigs?  The Police
>>21) A sign of the Zodiac?  April
>>22) Something people might be allergic to? Skiing
>>23) Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep
>>24) Something you put on walls? A roof
>>25) Something slippery? A conman
>>26) A kind of ache? A fillet of fish
>>27) A jacket potato topping? Jam
>>28) A food that can be brown or white? A potato
>>29) Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
>>30) Something red? My sweater
>>
>>RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
>>
>>Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
>>Contestant: Barcelona.
>>Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
>>Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in

Spain.

>>
>>STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
>>
>>Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
>>Contestant: India.
>>
>>Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
>>Contestant: Espresso.
>>
>>Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
>>Contestant: Sydney.
>>
>>THIS MORNING
>>
>>Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True


>>or false?
>>Contestant: True?
>>Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV
>>show, so I'll give you that.
>>
>>BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
>>
>>Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel

last?

>>Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
>>
>>BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
>>
>>Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
>>Contestant: Four.
>>
>>BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
>>
>>Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
>>Contestant: Er...
>>Wood:  It's got two syllables... Kor...
>>Contestant: Blimey?
>>Wood:  Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
>>Contestant: (Silence)
>>Wood:  OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
>>Contestant: Walked?
>>
>>DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
>>
>>Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
>>Contestant: Holland?
>>Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
>>Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
>>Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
>>Contestant: No.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 13, 2006, 10:06:32 pm
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and then said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green, and I Pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibar got the job and now works at a call centre for a major British bank!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 13, 2006, 11:31:04 pm
15 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

3. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

4. Don't use any punctuation.

5. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

6. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

7.  Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

8.  Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all
day at work.

9.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

10.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

11.  Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

12.  When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

13.  When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

14.  Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

15.  Sing along at the opera.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 16, 2006, 11:11:34 am
Barrymore gets new TV show


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 16, 2006, 12:08:47 pm
Big Brother has told Michael Barrymore that he must use the ashtrays in the house like everyone else and mustn't throw his used fags in the pool!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 16, 2006, 12:10:18 pm
The Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

I don't remember much after that!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 16, 2006, 12:11:00 pm
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on January 16, 2006, 12:15:03 pm
Big Brother has told Michael Barrymore that he must use the ashtrays in the house like everyone else and mustn't throw his used fags in the pool!

His Mother actually has a boarding house in Blackpool. The advert reads, 'Come down to Blackpool and get the son on your back'

And on that note, another new item, Elton John is getting divorced after only a few weeks of marriage. Apparently his partner has been having sex behind his back.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 16, 2006, 12:32:57 pm
Paddy is doing well on "Who wants to be a millionaire"
He has already won £500,000, Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for £1000,000, "Who was the great train robber?"

"Was it    A- Ronnie Barker
               B- Ronnie Osullivan
               C- Ronnie Corbet or was it
               D- Ronnie Biggs ?"


Paddy says "Oi'll take der money Chris"

Chris reminds him that he still has his three lifelines left.
Paddy again says "Nope oi'll take der money please Chris"
"You don't want to phone a friend?" asks Chris.
"No t'anks oi'll take der money. foinal answer"
"OK" says Chris lokking bemused "Give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000, however, before you go I'm sure you will want to know what the answer was Paddy"

Paddy says "No yer alroight , oi knew der answer anyway t'anks Chris"
"You knew it anyway, are you mad ?" asks Chris, "Are you mental ?"
Paddy says "Oi moight be mental Chris....... But oi'm no feckin grass"



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Abs on January 17, 2006, 03:23:07 pm
Honda v's Women
 
 Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven
 for judgement at the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've
 been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
 reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
 
 Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
 out with God. I have a question for Him. St. Peter took Mr Honda to
 the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Aren't
 you the inventor of women?", God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well,"
 said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major
 design flaws in your design;
 
 1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
 2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
 3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
 4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
 5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous,
 6- and I don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs".
 
 Hmmmm, you do raise some good points "replied God, "Let's have a wee
 look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things
 and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be
 true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these
 numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 17, 2006, 04:00:48 pm
       Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews
   had to convert, or leave Italy.  There was a huge outcry
   from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
   He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
   Jewish community.  If the Jews won, they could stay in
   Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

   The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise,
   Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate.  However,
   Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish,
   so they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

   On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat
   opposite each other a full minute before the Pope raised
   his hand.  He showed 3 fingers.

   Rabbi Moishe looked back.  He raised 1 finger.

   Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

   Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

   The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice
   of wine.

   Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

   With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten.
   Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay.

   Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had
   happened.

   The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent
   the Trinity.  He responded by holding up one finger to
   remind me that there is still but one God common to both
   our beliefs.  Then, I waved my finger to show him that
   God was all around us.  He responded by pointing to the
   ground to show that God was also right here with us.  I
   pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us
   of all our sins.  He pulled out an apple to remind me of the
   original sin.  He had me beaten, and I could not continue."

   Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around
   Rabbi Moishe.  "How did you win the debate?", they asked.

   "I haven't a clue," said Moishe.  "First, he tells me that we
   had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
   Then, he tells me that the whole country would be cleared
   of Jews, and I said to him, 'We're staying right here'."

   "Then, what happened?", asked a woman.

   "Who knows?", said Moishe.  "He took out his lunch, so
   I took out mine."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 17, 2006, 09:01:43 pm
How to recognize a millionaire

http://www.geocities.com/dali_sherpas/millionairre.jpg


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 18, 2006, 12:24:55 am

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

......... . . . . . . . . . .. . . .




..... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 18, 2006, 11:31:14 pm
Look at the tits on this .....  :o

http://www.bollox.net/img.php?id=226


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on January 19, 2006, 12:48:51 pm
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 19, 2006, 01:07:24 pm
Why is it called PMS? 
 
Somebody had already used Mad Cow Disease!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 19, 2006, 01:37:04 pm
This is true ..... and ironic?

The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons is also known as BAAPS.
One of their most popular surgical procedures is breast enlargement.

http://www.baaps.org.uk/


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on January 19, 2006, 02:35:59 pm
Say's it all!!!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 20, 2006, 09:39:09 am
This one came from Pidge but he doesn't post them up here much any more:



President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington,  D.C. as part of his campaign to win back American voters. Bush's press secretary made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's response to the hurricane and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $1,000,000 if, during your sermon, you'd say President Bush is a saint."

The Bishop was initially reluctant but thought it over for a few moments and finally said,  "The Church is in desperate need of funds. I will agree to do it."

Bush pompously showed up on the next Sunday looking especially smug,
and as the service progressed the Bishop began his homily: "George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a  low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known.

But compared to Dick Cheney and some members of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 20, 2006, 11:45:45 am
What it means to be British....... One of the national daily papers is asking for comments about "What it means to be British"

Here is a comment from a guy in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.

"Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgium beer, then traveling home, gabbing an Indian curry or Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese TV."

And the most British thing of all? ......... Suspicion of anything foreign.





Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on January 20, 2006, 04:25:44 pm
I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am the victim of the latest scam at the Ilford Exchange shopping centre car Park.

This happened to me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two good looking woman come to your car as you are leaving the centre while you are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat. One starts by wiping your windscreen with a rag while the other comes to your window saying "Hi", while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No", and beg you for a ride to Romford. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 20, 2006, 04:29:58 pm
Las month, a world-wide study was conducted by The United Nations. The only question was........... "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortages in the world"
The survey was a huge failure because.........

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

In The Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world meant"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on January 23, 2006, 01:51:58 pm
Man goes to see the Doctor

"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"

"What makes you think that sir"

 
"Well.... I've started wearing make up, talking boll*cks and can't park the car.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 23, 2006, 04:44:55 pm
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.  He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings".

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings".

The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bellingerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now.  That was a barbitchyouate."   


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 24, 2006, 03:29:11 pm
Since the racing season is about to start up, I know there is alot of studying going on.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on January 24, 2006, 04:24:25 pm
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as
he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing
a long flowing white robe. "Who the hel_l are you?" Demanded Brian,
"and
what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much
to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send
me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can
only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devasted, but knowing
there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a
hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around
pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this
strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are
you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid
an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first
time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and
he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt
an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: sceetum on January 24, 2006, 10:19:06 pm
What do you call a chav on a bike?
A thief!!

What do you call a chav on the back seat of a car?
Arrested!!

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted!!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 25, 2006, 04:12:23 pm
A man walks into the street and manages to get a passing taxi, and the cabby says "Perfect timing, just like Frank"

Passenger "Who?"

Cabbie "Frank Fieldman, there's a guy  who did everything right, like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time"

Passenger  "They're always a few clouds over everybody"

"Not Frank, he was a terrific athlete. He would have won the Grand Slam at tennis, he could play golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano"

"Sounds like he was something really special"

"There's more............ He had a memory like a computer, could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which food to order and which fork to eat it with. He could fix anything, not like me, I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out"

"Wow, some bloke then"

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid the jams, not like me I always seem to get stuck in them"

"There's not many like him around"

"And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothes were always imacullate, shoes polished too"

"An amazing fellow, how did you meet him?"

"Well, I never actually met Frank"

"Then how do you know so much about him?"



"I married his f**k*ng widow"





Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 26, 2006, 05:45:34 pm
How good are you???

 The object is to move the red block around without getting hit by the
blue blocks or touching the black walls.
 
If you can go longer than 22 seconds you are phenomenal.  I was told that
the US Air Force uses this for
 
fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.  It's good for us wannabe race car drivers as well.

http://tinyurl.com/56t9u


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 26, 2006, 06:00:02 pm
1. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
   You can drop her off anywhere.

2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
   Outlaws are wanted.

3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
   Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

4. Where does virgin wool come from?
   Ugly sheep.

5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
   It isn't hard.

6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
   Call her from your cell phone.

7. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her
wedding night?
   His last name.

8. What's the down side to a threesome?
   You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

9. How do you know you're really ugly?
   Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
    Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

11. What's the similarity between a hurricane and a redneck divorce?
    Somebody's gonna' lose a trailer...



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on January 26, 2006, 06:17:00 pm
Wahaay!! -


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on January 27, 2006, 11:13:53 am

10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
    Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.


I heard this as:-

Why is a hurricane like a marriage?
First there is a lot of blowing and sucking, then this b***h takes your car house and all you other belongings!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 27, 2006, 11:18:35 am
This can only be for the joke thread


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 27, 2006, 11:21:58 am
Fairy Tale


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on January 27, 2006, 11:48:59 am
A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman sat in a bar.
They are having a nice time and all agree that it is a great place.

Then the Scotsman says "Aye, This is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Culbrokie, theres a better one. In the Culbrokie Inn, ye buy a drink, ye by another one and then the proprieter himself will buy yir the third one"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

The Italian says "Yeah, datsa nice a bar, but where I come from dersa better one. In Roma, dersa dis place, Vinchezos you buy a drink, Vinchezo buys you a drink, you buy another den Vinchezo buys you another"

They all agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Irishman says "You tink dats a good place? where oi come from in dublin ders dis place called Moypheys. At Moypheys dey buy yer the foist drink, dey buy yer the second drink, dey buy yer the tird drink and then dey take yer into de back room and get yer laid.

"Wow" said the other two "Thats fantastic did that actually happen to you ?"

"No" said the Irish guy "But it happeneed to my sister"



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: knetter on January 27, 2006, 04:28:57 pm
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italien border. The Italian customs agent stops them and tels them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro"

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?"asks the German driver

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italien official

"Quattro ist just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car ist desgnt to kerry 5 persons"

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!"replies the Italien customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you ara therefora breaking the law"

The German driver replies angrily, "You ztupid idiot!, Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry, responds the Italina official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy with 2 guysa in a Fiat Uno"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on January 27, 2006, 05:39:06 pm
International Rules of Manliness

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.  Unless at the footy and your pies are getting wet.  Then for the eating period only it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

· When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

· The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

· After wrecking your boss' car.

· One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

· When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem.  You didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

· Yeah, Baby, Push it!

· C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

· Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 27, 2006, 06:12:10 pm
International Rules of Manliness


11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.


Or in a field in Le Mans in June if you bid high enough for charity on eBay. Not sure if you'd wnat it served topless though   :-\  ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on January 27, 2006, 06:17:09 pm
If it's served by the mixer, you can skip the topless part indeed...


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on January 29, 2006, 09:10:01 pm
Two blonde girls were working for the local council. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it- why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably does looks odd. We're normally a three-person team."

"But today the girl who plants the trees is off sick."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: JHarber on January 29, 2006, 09:51:21 pm
About my best :D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 30, 2006, 01:13:39 pm
Might have seen this on here befor but it's still funy!!!!!

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/need-glasses-p1.php


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on January 30, 2006, 01:23:29 pm
Half way to fighter pilot school!!!



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on January 30, 2006, 09:46:41 pm
Good job Mark, looks like you may have the record so far.  I would bet that Linda could take you though!! ;D ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 31, 2006, 01:31:29 am
Not funny, but it was found on a lead from jpchenet above.

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/lemans-p1.php

Its not a Merc is it?


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on January 31, 2006, 01:50:27 am
For all people who can not do what their told,

     DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON !

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/red-button-p1.php



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on February 01, 2006, 01:09:32 pm
THE BALLOON

     A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues.
     "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something"  He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.
     Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

 Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.  A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,  out it comes.

 When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.  Diarrhoea everywhere!  She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!  She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
 When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down  on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
     
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!  The balloon explodes and diarrhoea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

         He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

   


 You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!      :D ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 01, 2006, 01:41:10 pm
A guy is driving through Tennessee when he sees a sign in front of a house,

"TALKING DOG FOR SALE"

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retreiver sittting there.

"You talk?" he says.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

"So whats your story"

The Lab looks up and says "Well, I discovered I could talk at a young age. I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no-one would think that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years running, but the jetting around tired me out  so I decided to settle down.
I signed up at the airport to do some undercover security wandering close to suspicious charectures listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarde a batch of medals. I got married, had a couple of litters of puppies and now I've just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the owner says.

"Ten dollars?    This dog is amazing!   Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar, he never did any of that sh**t"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 01, 2006, 05:56:28 pm
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of the first day.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, called out next. "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, so gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next. "In Germany, ve invented das beer, verdamt. Giff
me ein Becks - ja das ist der real Konig of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, took his turn. "Barman, would ya give me a
Diet Coke with ice and lemon? Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a  Guinness, Paddy?"

Paddy's response? ... "Well if you feckin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: JHarber on February 01, 2006, 09:26:41 pm
Its getting boring now but wanted to beat jpchenet ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nopanic - neil on February 01, 2006, 10:18:45 pm
A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Merrill Lynch

office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close

to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls

the police.  Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts

screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful midnight blue Porsche is ruined. 

No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"   

After the man finally finishes his ranting, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 

"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. 

"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn

off when the truck hit you."

 The Londoner looks down in horror ."BLOODY HELL !" he screams, 

"Where's my Rolex??"
 ;D
 



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 02, 2006, 10:20:54 am
Fowler back at Anfield

Exclusive first picture


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: LangTall on February 02, 2006, 11:06:38 am
Why men snore.....

(http://people.zeelandnet.nl/loste/why_men_snore.jpg)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on February 02, 2006, 11:41:17 am
In the hospital where their family member lay gravely ill relatives gathered in the waiting room.


Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.  "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a  brain transplant.  It's an experimental procedure.  Very risky, but it is the only hope.  Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to  pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.

The moment turned awkward.  The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 03, 2006, 02:30:19 pm
Study -


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 06, 2006, 05:55:53 pm
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left  testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said "Turn around"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 06, 2006, 06:13:41 pm
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 06, 2006, 06:18:03 pm
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her bed-side cabinet.
He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother, then?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands

"Thats me before the operation!".



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 07, 2006, 12:33:38 pm
At last, the offside rule explained for girls.


You're in a shoe shop, second in line for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has also seen them and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you  had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilema.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch, she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip round the other  shopper, catch the purse and pay for the shoes.

However, until the purse has "actually been thrown" you are not allowed to move in front of the other shopper - (other wise you would be offside)

Easy.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on February 08, 2006, 12:45:49 pm
New phrase for 2006

 

> Phrase: Sol Campbell
>
> Context of Use: Bars/Pubs
>
> Example Usage: Are you going for a "Sol Campbell" tonight..??
>
> Definition: 'A quick half, then off home' (before getting Hammered)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nordic on February 09, 2006, 11:03:20 am

 
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes

this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports

personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation

with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never

shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

.............................................................................................................................................................

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart

disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long

and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John

.............................................................................................................................................................

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.

Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

.............................................................................................................................................................

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a

mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around

2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust

the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent

by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

.............................................................................................................................................................

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD

pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from

legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop

breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

.............................................................................................................................................................

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader,

I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

.............................................................................................................................................................

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well

as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as

slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

.............................................................................................................................................................

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the

final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct

answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson

with?' to which I confidently replied 'c**t'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect,

but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately.

Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

.............................................................................................................................................................

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board

cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to

make than this? Alun Daniel

.............................................................................................................................................................

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping

his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own

drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

.............................................................................................................................................................

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it

they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived

between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday

between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I

would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my

house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The

shoe's on he other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

………………………………………………………………………………………………….


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on February 09, 2006, 01:21:11 pm
Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't
read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
West Virginia family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to
change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing
machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of
clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen
them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice
last week... the first time for three days and the
second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send... your Uncle
Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the
mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were
really worried because it took him two hours to get
me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't
found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are
an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them
off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned
for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a
pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down
the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing
much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite aunt,

Mom



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 14, 2006, 12:44:48 pm
A drunk man sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis! ?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on February 14, 2006, 02:44:29 pm
:: POLITICAL HUMOR WARNING ::

So did you hear about Dick Cheney shooting that guy with the shotgun over the weekend?

Turns out he tortured they guy for 30 minutes first,  then shot him!

-Lee

 :D



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pieter on February 14, 2006, 06:50:56 pm
I once heard a very short English joke which took me a while to get:
A seal walks into a club...
That's it?
Yep, that's it.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 15, 2006, 11:07:41 am
A teacher asks her class if they could use a sentance using the word "contagious".  Roland, the class swot, gets up and says,

 "Last year I had the measles and my Mum said it was contagious".

"Well done Roland" says the teacher "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says,

"My Grandma says there is a bug going round and it is very contagious"

"Well done Katie" says the teacher "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent
 "Our neighbour is paintin his house wid a two inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious".


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Neil on February 15, 2006, 01:01:08 pm
A late Valentine present. Hopfully Smokie might allow this link to stay :)

http://www.ezgreatforyou.com/


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: rcutler on February 15, 2006, 02:28:52 pm
:: POLITICAL HUMOR WARNING ::

So did you hear about Dick Cheney shooting that guy with the shotgun over the weekend?

Turns out he tortured they guy for 30 minutes first,  then shot him!

-Lee

 :D



I heard the american public are urging Bush to join Cheney this weekend!!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lorry on February 15, 2006, 02:43:14 pm
I'd heard that Cheney was out shooting Quayle


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Steve Pyro on February 15, 2006, 03:33:47 pm
A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to England.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. England man for letting me in this country! "

But the passer-by says "You are most surely mistaken, I am Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!"

The person says "I no English. I from Hong Kong"

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not English!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an English citizen?"

She says, "No, I from Bosnia!".

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the English?"

The Bosnian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 16, 2006, 03:54:13 pm
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all his apostles and disciples to a meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.

It was therefore decided that a commision made up of some of the members return to Earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret opperation was succesful and 2 days later the chosen disciples started to return to heaven.

Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock.

"Who is it "?

"It's Paul"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Paul"?

"Hashish from Morocco"

"Very well son, come in"

Another knock.

"Who is it"?

"It's Mark"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark"?

"Marijuana from Columbia"

"Very well son come in"

Another knock.

"Who is it"?

"It's Matthew"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mattew"?

"Cocaine from Bolivia"

"Very well son come in"

Another knock.

"Who is it"?

"It's John"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring John"?

"Crack from New York"

"Very well son come in"

Another knock.

"Who is it "?

"It's Luke"

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Luke"?

"Speed from Amsterdam"

"Very well son come in"

another knock.

"Who is it"?

"It's Judas"

Jesus opens the door

"What did you bring Judas"?



"FBI MOTHER f**ckERS!  EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL"



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on February 17, 2006, 09:29:13 am
Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.

But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is a lot prettier," she replies.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on February 17, 2006, 11:34:57 am
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive
side.
She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes
off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy while they're lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,

"Well, how was it?"

The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 18, 2006, 01:31:53 am

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
 
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,
fatty."
 
 t


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 18, 2006, 01:35:27 am
 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon 
 
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A  drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of  the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
 
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about Her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,  you're absolutely correct.  But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."   
 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 18, 2006, 01:44:50 am
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and  sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going,

he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on February 18, 2006, 01:45:38 am
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Doris on February 18, 2006, 02:45:23 am
Two goldfish in a tank.  One turns to the other and says...

'Any idea how you drive this thing?'


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on February 22, 2006, 11:39:29 am
First case of Bird Flu in Britain


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on February 28, 2006, 01:54:31 am
An elderly couple were attending church. About half way through she leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy Zarse on March 06, 2006, 05:58:02 pm
Be warned of a new scam going on in Tesco's car park.  When  packing shopping into your car, you may be approached by two fit 21-year-old girls wearing tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with their tits half hanging out and ask for a lift to the next town as payment. Along the way they strip and go down on each other and one then climbs into the front and sucks you off.  The other one rather craftily nicks your wallet whilst you are distracted. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday and again yesterday. And it's being stolen again tomorrow.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on March 06, 2006, 08:08:29 pm
Be warned of a new scam going on in Tesco's car park.  When  packing shopping into your car, you may be approached by two fit 21-year-old girls wearing tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with their tits half hanging out and ask for a lift to the next town as payment. Along the way they strip and go down on each other and one then climbs into the front and sucks you off.  The other one rather craftily nicks your wallet whilst you are distracted. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday and again yesterday. And it's being stolen again tomorrow.

Alert Smokie,  people are copying your jokes  :o :o :o


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 06, 2006, 10:42:24 pm
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.


Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the
bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
 

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
 

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
 

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
 

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on March 06, 2006, 10:55:51 pm
So the the son was playing with a loaded weapon with one in the chamber

Sorry

Gary


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo SPS on March 07, 2006, 01:10:49 am
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5721216010568488162&q=backstreet&pr=goog-sl

Its funny


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brushy on March 07, 2006, 09:53:10 am
A bear a lion and a chicken are talking about who's the hardest.

The bear says " when l roar the whole forset shakes"

The lion says "when l roar the whole jungle Shakes"

The chicken says "all l have to do is cough and the whole world shits itself"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Werner on March 08, 2006, 10:33:50 am
These are five rules for men to follow for a happy life:


1. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time and cleans up at home.


2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.


4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.


5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 09, 2006, 04:00:57 pm
Ireland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure
enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We
have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you  back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden  change of
heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: BigH on March 09, 2006, 07:25:41 pm
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,

"You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in
the Holy Land for £150. The man thought about it and told him he would just
have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to
ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here
and you would spend only £150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 10, 2006, 01:23:08 am
Was this Smokie trying to leave Le Mans in 2001 before the end of the race??? ()may have been seen beofre but it's still funny!!)

http://www.giantketchup.com/content/view/124/67/


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on March 10, 2006, 12:11:53 pm
Specifically for all those going somewhere next weekend (Don't mention the 'S' word [no, I'm not going either])....

Subject: Date Rape Drug


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties, local pubs and sports car endurance races to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
 




Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on March 10, 2006, 12:50:03 pm
REMINDS ME OF:-

NEVER BEEN TO BED WITH AN UGLY WOMEN, BUT SURE AS HELL, WOKEN UP WITH A FEW;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 14, 2006, 04:04:08 pm
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the
marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.
-
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or
were going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
-
Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she
planned to use.
Her answer was, the rhythm method.
That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.
-
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on
using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as
long as you don't forget to take them.
-
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again
told her that should also work.
-
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a
follow up on how things were going.
-
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant.
Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
-
Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what
went wrong.
She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes
mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
-
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the
birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
-
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were
going to use the pail and saucer method.
Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer
method is.
Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
-
She replied,
"Well we make love standing up,
and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail
turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as
big as saucers,
I kick the pail out from under him!!!
__________________________________________________


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 14, 2006, 05:00:13 pm
6 kinds of sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This occurs during the honeymoon
 period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

 The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
 marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, in the kitchen on the
 table, etc.

 The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
 perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

 The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which
 you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is called
 oral sex by some.

 There is a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This happens
 when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in
 the courtroom.

 The sixth kind of sex is Social Security Sex -- that's when you get a
 little once a month but it's not enough to live on.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brushy on March 15, 2006, 11:55:32 am
Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?


The taste :o


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 15, 2006, 03:22:46 pm
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
 


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 16, 2006, 09:12:42 am
For all us nutters out there!!!

www.infocite.info/mark/MentalHealthHotline1.mp3


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Brushy on March 16, 2006, 09:40:30 am
For all fans of Ken

http://www.madblighty.co.uk/movies/london_underground.swf


Sorry if it offends :-[


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Nobby Diesel on March 16, 2006, 11:16:30 am
How true!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: jpchenet on March 16, 2006, 11:27:43 am
.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: iomac on March 16, 2006, 01:36:01 pm
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Andy on March 24, 2006, 10:21:10 am
What makes 100%?  What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? 
How about achieving 103%? 
What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a maths formula that might help you answer these questions

If A=1, B=2, C=3 ... and so on up to Z=26  Then...

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 100%

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 103%

And look how far ass kissing will take you....

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 118%

So one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while hardwork and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and the ass kissing that will put you over the top!



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 24, 2006, 03:58:29 pm
Retiring In Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress  he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as  possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas  party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some  fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks
again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've
been  all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should I  wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 24, 2006, 04:07:35 pm
Here is another with American humor.

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on March 24, 2006, 04:41:21 pm
Rav 4 commercial

http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/funny/happy-together.php


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on March 24, 2006, 06:39:23 pm
Rav 4 commercial

http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/funny/happy-together.php
Boys and their Tonka Toys!
This one quite funny, from the same site
http://www.amuzensantics.com/videos/crashes/nicedriving.php


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on March 25, 2006, 02:02:18 pm
Apologies if you've seen them before

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/speeding.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/heartbroken.asf

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/scottishdrinkdrive.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/loadingabike.mpg


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on March 25, 2006, 05:21:37 pm
Apologies if you've seen them before

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/speeding.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/heartbroken.asf

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/scottishdrinkdrive.wmv

http://percyparkrfc.com/video/loadingabike.mpg

I can only get the third one to work?


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on March 25, 2006, 06:29:15 pm
I could get three and four, but not the first two.

Del


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on March 25, 2006, 06:39:40 pm
I could get three and four, but not the first two.

Del


Ooops,

Sorry lads, should be fixed now.

Stu


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Stu on March 27, 2006, 12:29:18 am
This is true.
A lad I know works at Asda and last week he had a woman in asking for Hen Sip which is a cure for Bird flu. Apparently her friend had told her about it so he pointed her to the cooked chickens department.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 12:37:40 am
I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lorry on March 27, 2006, 01:13:00 am
I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Ferrari Spider on March 27, 2006, 06:02:18 pm
I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

At least that and living in bl**dy close proximity  ;D ;D

BTW who is
SARAH


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on March 27, 2006, 06:56:37 pm
[I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

During the Mad Cow scare.   I over heard two cows talking about it. the conversation went something like.

Cow 1:  This Mad Cow illness is a bit scary.
Cow 2:  Yes it is.
Cow 1:  Are you worried about it?
Cow 2:  No not at all.
Cow 1:  Not at all?  How come?
Cow 2:  Well it not going to affect me is it!!
Cow 1:  How on earth do you come to that concusion?
Cow 2:  I'm a Helicopter.

t.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Martini...LB on March 27, 2006, 07:59:12 pm
I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

At least that and living in bl**dy close proximity  ;D ;D

BTW who is
SARAH

Isn't that something to do with A RASH, perhaps that is where it all starts.

Martini...


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on March 27, 2006, 08:39:04 pm
A True Story


I was visiting PC World following the meltdown of our ancient computer, researching what was available.
I asked one of the oiks working there what was the difference between ordinary dvd rw's and dual layer dvd rw's.
He pointed to a CPU with 2 disc drives and said ' thats a dual layer dvd, one dvd drive sits above the other'.

Motto of this story is that you probably know more about computers, even if you are a little computer illiterate like me, than most of the staff at PC World.
 
Did I buy? Like hell, I went back to the company that has supplied our previous two machines.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Snoring Rhino on March 27, 2006, 09:08:47 pm
I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad :D
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.


Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

At least that and living in bl**dy close proximity  ;D ;D

BTW who is
SARAH

Is that a virtual version of writing a girls name on your pencil case at junior school ;)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lawnmower Man on March 27, 2006, 11:21:08 pm

He pointed to a CPU with 2 disc drives and said ' thats a dual layer dvd, one dvd drive sits above the other'.

I have a similar experiance a few years ago in Curry's.   

Looking at TVs and the salesman told me all of the sets were "Modulated"!
I thought thats a bit strange I dnot know much about how TVs work  but I knew enough to know that the Signal is Modulated in some way.  (Like FM = Freqyency Modulation and AM = Amplitude Modulation).  So I quizzed him about what it ment.   He explained that the set were made of modules that could easily and quickly be replaced. 

Oh you mean "MODULAR"!  Needless to say I left ppretty quickly without making a purchase.

t.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 01, 2006, 10:11:32 pm
THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HER

8:15  Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30  Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45  Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15  Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife--she has gained 30 lbs
1:00   Shopping with friends--unlimited credit
3:00   Nap
4:15   Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30   Pick out outfit for dinner; prim before mirror
7:30   Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00  Hot shower (alone)
10:30  Make love
11:00  Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15  Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HIM
6:00   Alarm
6:15   Blowjob
6:30   Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00   Breakfast:  filet mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30   Limo arrives
7:45   Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15   Private chopper to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30   Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45   Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under)
2:15   Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30   Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15   Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30   Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00   Private jet home (massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy
Ireland)
6:45   sh*t, shower and shave
7:00   Watch CNN newsflash:  Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm
animal video released and authenticated)
7:30   Dinner:  lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 oz. New York Strip
Steak
9:00   Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30   Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50  12 second, 4 note fart--dog leaves room
11:55  Sleep


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 01, 2006, 10:38:53 pm
Careful there :o :o :o

http://www.crainium.net/jdjArchives/2005/10/choose_your_und.html#more


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 05, 2006, 08:24:29 pm
It's time to revive this....

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village.  An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
Not very long, answered the Mexican.
But then why didn't you stay out longer and carch more fish?  asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife.  In the evenings, I go to the villiage to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs....I have a full life.
The American interrupted, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!  You should start by fishing longer every day.  You can then sell the extra fish you catch.  With the extra money, you can buy a bigger boat.
And after that? asked the Mexican.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.  Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.  You can then leave this little villiage and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!  From there you can direct your hugh new enterprise.
How long would that take? asked the Mexican
Twenty or twenty five years, replied the American.
And after that?
Afterwards?  Well my friend, That's when it really gets interesting, answered the American.  When your business really gets big, you can start selling stocks and make millions.
Millions? Really, and after that? said the Mexican.
After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny villiage near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends said the American.

The moral of the story is:  Know where you are going in life....you may already be there.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Barry on April 06, 2006, 05:37:48 pm
An early happy Easter


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 07, 2006, 03:01:07 pm
After seeing JP's picture post of the fisherman, I thought we needed a break.  Click on the picture to play the song.

http://www.brakar.com/20/wife-meets-girlfriend.html


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: DelBoy on April 07, 2006, 03:05:01 pm
After seeing JP's picture post of the fisherman, I thought we needed a break.  Click on the picture to play the song.

http://www.brakar.com/20/wife-meets-girlfriend.html

Duff link there, John.

Del


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 07, 2006, 03:23:49 pm
Hey Delboy, please translate "duff".  It's not in my dictionary.  Thanks.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: garystout on April 07, 2006, 03:36:07 pm
"DUFF"  means dud or dosnt work properly


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 07, 2006, 04:12:28 pm
Not to Homer Simpson it dosn't. It means BEEEEERRR  :P


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 11, 2006, 08:47:00 pm
Top Seventeen Country & Western Songs

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

 

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

 

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

 

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

 

6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure

 

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One song . . .


1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Muzorewa on April 12, 2006, 08:30:40 am
You forgot these gems:

Of course I want you for your body, I've got a mind of my own

Life's like a bed of roses, full of pricks

You don't know what a man is 'till you've had to shoot one

I called my Grand-daddy Grandpa, but I should have called him Dad

I became a schizophrenic so I could love you twice as much

Don't tell me you're single, I've slept with your wife

And the best of all:

Is my ring too tight for your finger?

 ::)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Muzorewa on April 12, 2006, 08:31:53 pm
And the classic:

Someone fetch a hammer, there's a fly on Grandma's head.

 ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on April 14, 2006, 09:53:07 pm
I could not think where to put this,and did not want to start a new S***** thread.I would like to test our Turn 10 guests memory.

I would like each person write in one line of our favorite Turn 10 poem.

Lee Self you are not included[we know you know that we know that you know the answer]

here we go!

Roses are red!


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: smokie on April 15, 2006, 12:56:08 am
Err...violets are blue?


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on April 15, 2006, 01:22:29 am
Very good.Whats next?


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Pieter on April 15, 2006, 02:14:13 am
I know it's something with peanut butter, but I forgot. Don't say it yet...


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: MiCarr on April 15, 2006, 01:30:31 pm
I like peanut butter ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on April 17, 2006, 03:09:21 am
Alright Lee it looks like its up to you to complete the poem.

From the top.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Bob U on April 20, 2006, 04:30:15 pm
David Beckham decides to go horse riding.

Although he has no previous experiance he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria screams and shouts for someone to help her husband as David, by this time had slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has his arms around the horses neck.

David decides that his only chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along his head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconciousness

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help.

Hearing her screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Lee Self on April 20, 2006, 05:39:52 pm
Alright Lee it looks like its up to you to complete the poem.

From the top.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I like peanut butter
Lets F*ck

 ;D  -Lee


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on April 21, 2006, 01:56:37 pm
If there's one thing I'm good at it's flogging dead horses  ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on April 21, 2006, 02:24:29 pm
Back on the jokes topic....

This guy asks his friend, "If you knew that in five minutes the world is going to explode, what would be the first thing you would do?"
The Second guy says, "I would screw the first thing that moved... and what would you do?"
The first guy says, "I would stand very still for five minutes".


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on April 21, 2006, 05:11:20 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgyu6eAp8zc&eurl=


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: nickliv on April 22, 2006, 12:08:29 am
Local newspaper headline up here a while ago

Aberdeen prostitute jailed for selling crack


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on April 25, 2006, 01:53:26 pm
 :-\


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on April 25, 2006, 01:55:03 pm
 :)


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on April 25, 2006, 01:56:29 pm
-


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on April 25, 2006, 01:57:26 pm
 :o


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: MiCarr on April 26, 2006, 10:49:20 pm
 ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: amazing 1 on April 27, 2006, 02:21:09 am
MiCarr you are indeed a sick sick man. ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Robspot on May 05, 2006, 10:23:52 am
What have MFI and John Prescott got in common?

A couple of loose screws and the cabinet falls apart.  ;D


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on May 09, 2006, 04:56:28 pm
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is  suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.  The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.  The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.  The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the  media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played  for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.  Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day: Your  father got shot in the street and robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed,  gang raped and beaten,  and your brother has joined a gang of looters. And  all while you were having such great >time."  The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so  sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: bird on May 09, 2006, 05:13:25 pm
(stolen, and probably badly remembered, from private eye)

Ode To Silvio Berlusconi

So,
Farewell Sig. Berlusconi
So,
Farewell Sig. Berlusconi
So,
Farewell Sig, Berlusconi

It seems like
it's taking a while
for the news
to sink in.



Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 09, 2006, 08:21:40 pm
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
" Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for break- fast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
Also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rhino on May 09, 2006, 08:27:17 pm
What's the difference between the Highbury squirrel and Tottenham Hotspur?
The squirrel has champions league experience.


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 09, 2006, 10:06:45 pm
I just love Happy meals, both of them....


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: Rob on May 09, 2006, 10:52:00 pm
What's the difference between the Highbury squirrel and Tottenham Hotspur?
The squirrel has champions league experience.

 >:(


Title: Re: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread
Post by: johnevans3 on May 16, 2006, 08:49:50 pm
THE DIET
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
he next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The
sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."  Without a second
thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the
same thing happens.  On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted
to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promis