Not sure if this has been posted before, but came across this game and is preety damn good. Hint, don't just keep your finger on the accelarator.

   http://www.miniclip.com/games/shell-le-mans/en/

      Enjoy


   

 The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place? He must be losing money hand over fist!"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

I'm not a Big Brother fan, but loved this.

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 Mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 10mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

Merry Christmas to one and all, and just for a laugh try this link.

   http://www.elfyourself.com/

Is this going to far.

You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and step out onto
> >
> >the church steps... The photographer raises their camera...
> >
> >Following your family tradition, both of you hold white doves which
> >you
> >
> >will release together...
> >
> >You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your
> >
> >hands as your friends and relatives eagerly wait...
> >
> >The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands
> >toward
> >
> >the sky...
> >
> >Not a dry eye in the house, the camera flashes; the moment is saved
> >for
> >
 See Below

































> >eternity..

And when you two are finished with them, I'll have them both Cheers

Hope this won't offfend anyone.  But bloody LOL

 
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says
"Whoa,look at the size of that f*cker!"
 
Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
 
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out,
 
Sorry father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"
 
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the
fish back to church.
 
 Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
 
Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.
 
 No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.
 
 "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
and we could have it for dinner".
 
 So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.
 
Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
 
My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
 
No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the
bishop.
 
 Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
 
 I'll cook that f*cker tonight,
 
 The Pope is coming for dinner!"
 
 The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
 
 "Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.
 
"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
 
"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.
 
 The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on
his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table,
 
 Pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You c*nts are
alright."

LOL 

Quite true, But whats the best invention, WD40 or Calpol (for the kids)??

That is a GREAT forum, so many cheerleaders, not enough time to view while trying to do some work.

Well sourced Simon

Come on number 10. No offence petra, you do have a peachy bum, but number 10 is the one.

By the way FS, nice pic.

The way the weather is right now, hope to see some of that all week up London.

Everyone, sit back and enjoy this weather

Bravo, No 10 is my favourte and possible No 22. Well done Dave

Bloody Funny, love the van driver.