Club Arnage
March 28, 2024, 05:22:12 pm *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
News: … welcome to the Club Arnage Le Mans forum …
 
   Home   Help Search Calendar Login Register  
Pages: 1 ... 12 13 [14] 15 16 ... 164   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread  (Read 937845 times)
Andy Zarse
CA Veteran
Club Arnage Master
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 5034



View Profile
« Reply #195 on: October 20, 2004, 02:22:05 pm »

OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221

 Grin

Mr Rick, it's very funny and original. I think we've all been to weddings like that!
Logged

I wouldn't sit there if I were you, it's still a bit wet.
Andy Zarse
CA Veteran
Club Arnage Master
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 5034



View Profile
« Reply #196 on: October 20, 2004, 04:39:48 pm »

MEN'S NAMES

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse, prone to belly button fluff.
Adam - cute, funny, chicks dig him, has the potential to be stalked.
Adrian - small todger, probably gay.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute but a liar and a cheater.
Amir - dirty, smelly, pecker is minuscule.
Andrew - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of wee.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Ashley - w**k*r who's losing his hair.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girl's bottoms and is well hung.
Ben - kind hearted, will do anything for the one he loves.
Bert - looks like he has been pulled through a hedge backwards and chews with his mouth open.
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - thinks everyone likes him... but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - worldwide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - a wanna be charmer, he's not the Messiah he's just a very, very naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within a week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - Australian, like Bruce.
Carl - thinks he's funny... he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly
Charles - can't trust him, eyes too close together.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can use it too.
Christopher - soppy and too clingy to make a relationship last. Spends most of his life drunk and kisses like a washing machine.
Christian - very sexy and seductive, full of his self.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Clive - very sweet and adores girls, but prefers to watch.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Colin - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - the lights on but no ones at home.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - sweetest guy in the world,soft and gentle but good in bed! hes a keeper!!!!!!
Darren - charming, but sleeps with men.
Daryl - smells bad, has no real mates.
David - hottie and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence. Can be gay!
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent, stylish, trendsetter i.e. a w**k*r.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his ****.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts.
Drew - bad
Duncan - hopeless ski bum, brains shot away long ago.
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get 'cos he's an arsehole.
Elliott - full of himself.
Eric - shy.
Ewan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different"
Fred - sucks pig's dicks & swallows the lot.
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - dreams about mud wrestling girls. drug addict but willing to share.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves, treats girls like s*** also a w**k*r.
Gibberish - likes a pint but is exasperated with the behaviour of others.
Glen - the sweetest guy
Graeme - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Graham - will screw anything.
Grant - HORNY! But so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Harry - has back hair.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Hathem - smooth, but manipulative, not to bet trusted around young girls.
Hayden - tries hard.
Henry - has gay like movements frequently. likes to run every where. would screw welli boots.
Howard - likes small breasts
Ian - really popular but knows all the girls want him... yeah right!
Ivor - militant psychopath with homosexual tendencies.
JPChenet - A drunkard and a pornographer par excellence
Jack - stupid but hot, always alright.
Jake - shy and sweet but a slut when drunk.
Jamie - scum of the earth.
James - built like a horse. likes to bite while kissing.
Jason - big headed. never fails to grab the girls attention, full of bullshit.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jim - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
Joel - arse.
John - has no friends or life
Jolyon - absolute raving homosexual.
Jon - countless two timer and bully.
Jonathon - loud, sex mad and great with it
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hottie and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating but loveable, insecure but successful.
Judith - Eats a lot, likes to feel superior.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Kane - an absolute and complete arsehole.
Kevin - always attracts really fit girlfriends. Also has a large penis.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many corn chips.
Lance - Plays with his penis cos no one else will.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurie - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
Lyndon - can always be found in bed or in the pub.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet. bit of a tosser though.
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Marc - an idiot, who can't spell. would do anything for sex.
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks, mouthy bastard.
Matt - likes drink and is full of s***.
Mathew - has less brains than a donkey does in one of it's hoofs. Thinks constantly about porn.
Michael - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl.
Mick - always drunk, tendency for drug abuse.
Mike - shag muffin.
Mohammed - small penis.
Morgan - the only thing that is big is his ego.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel dumb.
Nick - nice
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser.
Owen - cute gay guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - cutie but very shy, makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Rhys - great lover but had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago.
Richard - can't see his feet as balls are too big.
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - the f^$king greatest in the world, everyone loves this guy... no faults at all.
Rob - constantly watches porn.
Ron - spends most of his time looking at the base of his spine, when his head is up his own arse.
Roy - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant twat who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves, which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - tall with sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Scott - has serious disabilities. also takes it up the butt.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - not very nice, lies to pick faults (changed now)
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweetie in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Says he is the man but talks bollocks.
Smokie - tolerant, likes to fall asleep in a deck chair with a beer.
Spencer - loves it right up there, normally with a toilet roll and a hamster.
Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies but great in bed.
Ted - hairy, sensitive and a great shag.
Teddy - great friend, crap boyfriend. clowns have been known to look more stylish.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - best blow ever.
Tom - extremely arrogant.
Tommy - no
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around, prefers getting done up the arse
Travis - fat and horny with the best Whats in a name... collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - happy, laughing hyena.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
Will - wishes he were popular.
William - tall, dark and handsom. ie when it's dark, he is handsom and tall.
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable.
Zack - thinks he is superman. great in bed due to ego.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted.


Sorry there's no Hansgerd, Gilles or Werner.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2004, 05:08:11 pm by A Zarse esq » Logged

I wouldn't sit there if I were you, it's still a bit wet.
Gilles
CA Veteran
Club Arnage God
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 1350



View Profile
« Reply #197 on: October 20, 2004, 04:44:48 pm »

Why ANDY is not in that list Huh?
Logged

Le Mans is life, anything before and after is just waiting...

... it's not the taking part but the winning that counts !
jpchenet
CA Veteran
Club Arnage Master
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 4516



View Profile
« Reply #198 on: October 20, 2004, 07:21:58 pm »

OK not really a joke but deffo unrelated to Lemons - just had to share this with you all on our favourite (unmentionable) auction site.....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5527273221

 Grin

Very funny, but not as funny as the sellers fee he will have to dodge as the bidding is now up to £10,000,000!!!!!   Grin
Logged
Steve Pyro
Houx Annexe veteran
Administrator
Club Arnage Master
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 6819


I see you Baby, shaking your Ass


View Profile WWW
« Reply #199 on: October 20, 2004, 08:46:14 pm »


Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.


I resemble that remark  Cry
Logged

Steve East Anglian cobras

BigH
CA Veteran
Club Arnage God
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 1614


They've lumps of it round the back.


View Profile
« Reply #200 on: October 21, 2004, 11:05:56 am »

Quote
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H
Logged

Always with the negative waves Moriarty, always with the negative waves...
Andy Zarse
CA Veteran
Club Arnage Master
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 5034



View Profile
« Reply #201 on: October 21, 2004, 12:08:39 pm »

Quote
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H

A quick shufty on the Berghaus website came up with these little beaties. It says:

Extrem Light Tight Pants
New for Summer 2004. Lightweight, stretch tight giving great wicking performance and a quick dry time. The brushed back to the fabric make these an ideal warmth layer.

Well, what more could you ask for H? Just make sure you get your back brushed first or your wicking performance and drying time will be compromised.


* thumbnail_extrem_light_tight_jet_black.jpg (1.86 KB, 60x77 - viewed 253 times.)
Logged

I wouldn't sit there if I were you, it's still a bit wet.
Abs
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 450


Boys at TVR do it again!


View Profile
« Reply #202 on: October 21, 2004, 06:16:32 pm »

Better than WD40 Grin


* pic184671.jpg (76.59 KB, 551x379 - viewed 382 times.)
Logged

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing
Steve Pyro
Houx Annexe veteran
Administrator
Club Arnage Master
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 6819


I see you Baby, shaking your Ass


View Profile WWW
« Reply #203 on: October 21, 2004, 08:47:40 pm »

Quote
BigH - Postmodern punk androgyne, black humour, wears unisex pvc underwear

Oi Zarse!!

Anyway, gore-tex is all the rage these days.
Berghaus Bloomers, mmmmm.....
H


The reference for Gibberish is spot on  Grin

Logged

Steve East Anglian cobras

SteveZarse
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 266


Probably the best llama in the world


View Profile
« Reply #204 on: October 21, 2004, 09:36:45 pm »


Steve - (except Brown and Zarse) popular and funny & hung like a donkey.


OK, so I'm not popular or funny. I can live with that.  Tongue
Logged

TEAM ZARSE - It's our pleasure!
Abs
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 450


Boys at TVR do it again!


View Profile
« Reply #205 on: October 22, 2004, 11:33:02 am »

It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish at the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson, posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich.

But before he was allowed to board a RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th. Century admirals uniform.

How would Nelson have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations?

You are now on the deck of the recently renamed HMS Appeasement!

Nelson ? Give the order to hoist my signal Hardy.

Hardy ? Aye Aye Sir

N ? Hold on - that is not the signal I dictated to my signals officer.

H ? Sorry Sir.

N ? England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?

H ? Admiralty policy I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had devils own job getting ?England? past the censors, lest it be considered racist

N ?Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

H ? Sorry Sir, All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

N ? In that case, break open a cask of rum. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

H ? The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. It?s a part of Governments policy on binge drinking.

N ? Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.

H ? I think you'll find there is a 4-knot speed limit on this stretch of water.

N ? Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must attack with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest, please!

H ? That won?t be possible Sir.

N ? What?

H ? Health and Safety have closed the crows nest sir, No harness. They say that the rope ladder does not meet with regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

N ? Then get the ships? carpenter without delay, hardy.

H ? Unfortunately he?s busy knocking up wheelchair access to the fo?c?sle, Admiral.

N ? Wheelchair access? I?ve never heard anything so absurd.

H ? Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

N ? Differently abled? I?ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn?t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

H ? Actually Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

N ?Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

H ? A couple of problems there, too Sir. Health and Safety won?t let the men aloft without crash helmets. And they don?t want anyone breathing in too much salt ? haven?t you seen the adverts?

N ? I?ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

H ? The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

N ? What? This is mutiny.

H ? It?s not that Sir, It?s just that they are afraid of being charged for murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

N ? Then how are we supposed to sink the French and the Spanish?

H ? Actually Sir, we?re not!

N ? We?re not?

H ? No Sir, The French and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn?t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a huge claim for compensation.

N ? But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

H ? I wouldn?t let the ship?s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that Sir You could be up on a disciplinary.

N ? But surely you must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

H ? Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it?s the rules.

N ? Don?t tell me ? Health and Safety. What happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

H ? As I explained Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there is a ban on corporal punishment.

N ? What about sodomy?

H ? I believe that is to be encouraged Sir.

N ? Thank God for that ? In that case - kiss me Hardy!
Logged

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing
Abs
CA Veteran
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 450


Boys at TVR do it again!


View Profile
« Reply #206 on: October 22, 2004, 12:13:35 pm »

Just follow the link and play the movie Cheesy

http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/this_land_af?mid=1
Logged

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing
Nordic
CA Veteran
Club Arnage God
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 2441


View Profile WWW
« Reply #207 on: October 22, 2004, 04:52:39 pm »

This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin
Award for sure.......


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of
the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up
to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a
slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the
accident report form that I weigh135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of
mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
Logged

Some people will tell you that slow is good - and it may be, on some days - but I am here to tell you that fast is better.
H S Thompson 1937 - 2005
Nordic
CA Veteran
Club Arnage God
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 2441


View Profile WWW
« Reply #208 on: October 22, 2004, 05:15:31 pm »

A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors, David, Darren & daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But daisy feels so bad about having s*x with both David & Darren that she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren, but they get over if and again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing ... so they buried her.
Logged

Some people will tell you that slow is good - and it may be, on some days - but I am here to tell you that fast is better.
H S Thompson 1937 - 2005
jpchenet
CA Veteran
Club Arnage Master
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 4516



View Profile
« Reply #209 on: October 22, 2004, 06:37:36 pm »

A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors, David, Darren & daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But daisy feels so bad about having s*x with both David & Darren that she kills herself. Sad for David and Darren, but they get over if and again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing ... so they buried her.

LMAO!!!!!   Cheesy
Logged
Pages: 1 ... 12 13 [14] 15 16 ... 164   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!