You'll have seen these before - I have - but they still make me chuckle...

These are things people have actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife £275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

Ventriloquist: "Hey, good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The New Zealander is shocked!

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?"

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The New Zealander can't believe his ears!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "The horse doesn't talk."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "No worries."

The New Zealander's mouth is agape.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

The New Zealander is TOTALLY amazed!

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

DOUGLAS THE CRAB
----------------

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only
walk sideways."

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic olivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye.






There was a deadly hush..................................









For quite a while...........................









Finally, the crab spoke.......
















"f**k, I'm pissed."

Bloody French drivers!!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly
gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.



St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what
do those symbolise?"



The man replied, "They're Carols"

Subject: Cowboy and Lesbian


An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."

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 Last year, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Xmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of
 the  Christmas season. It was dark, cold, and wet in the Kwik Save car
   park, I noticed that I was missing the ticket which I would need
 to
get
  out of the car park, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps
 to the supermarket entrance.

 As I was searching the wet pavement, I heard a quiet sobbing. The  
 crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old.

He was  short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged fannel shirt  to protect him from the cold evening's chill.

He was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand. Thinking that he  had  got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong and he told me  his sad story.

He came from a large family. His father had died when he was seven  years old. His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.

Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped  off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and save just enough to take the bus home.

He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy
grabbed  two of his fifty pound notes and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?

 The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.

 The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

 I  realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.

I know that a lot of you quite like the firework experience whilst away for the weekend, but the attached piccys demonstrate why you should not mess around with fireworks.

Or at the very least do not allow children or Germans (it is they in the pictures) to play with them!!!