johnevans3
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Howdy Pardner
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« Reply #465 on: May 27, 2005, 03:52:31 pm » |
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Notable Quotables
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy
"You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."
* Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd
better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
* Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is,"
* Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and, you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor!)
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like
and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
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johnevans3
CA Veteran
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Posts: 478
Howdy Pardner
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« Reply #466 on: May 27, 2005, 07:09:38 pm » |
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The old farmer had a large pond in the back of his property, fixed up nicely; picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old boy decided to go down to the pond and look it
over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny
dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out
until you leave."
The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young
ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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« Last Edit: May 27, 2005, 07:36:51 pm by smokie »
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SteveB
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Posts: 241
I'm a llamanser
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« Reply #467 on: May 27, 2005, 10:18:40 pm » |
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Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
he was born".
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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"If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried." - David Brent
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Lawnmower Man
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« Reply #468 on: May 28, 2005, 01:32:52 am » |
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Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
Sorry I don't think so!!. |
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![](http://weathersticker.wunderground.com/weathersticker/cgi-bin/banner/ban/wxBanner?bannertype=wu_bluestripes_metric&airportcode=LFRM&ForcedCity=Le Mans&ForcedState=" for Le Mans, France Forecast")  La Légend s` écrit sous vos yeux. |
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northern lass
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I'm a llama!
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« Reply #469 on: May 29, 2005, 12:16:45 am » |
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What do ya call a midwife who refuses do deliver scousers?
A Crime Prevention Officer
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johnevans3
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Posts: 478
Howdy Pardner
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« Reply #470 on: May 31, 2005, 04:44:27 pm » |
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Now it's time for the truth.
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...
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ecurie
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Posts: 48
Speed limit ? What speed limit ?!?
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« Reply #471 on: May 31, 2005, 04:57:05 pm » |
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An young girl got married to a Greek man. Just before her wedding night her mother gave her some advice :
" Darling, you should know that Greek men can have an unorthodox approach to sex. So, if ever he tries something weird with you, you call me as soon as possible."
The first three months pass and the mother, to her relieve, doesn't get "the" call from her daughter.
Then, one night, the daughter calls :
" Mummie, something strange has happened"
" Oh honey, what did he make you do ?"
" Well, he wanted me to lay on my back."
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johnevans3
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Posts: 478
Howdy Pardner
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« Reply #472 on: May 31, 2005, 05:05:20 pm » |
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Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that
tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the King's underware.
The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.
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amazing 1
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« Reply #473 on: May 31, 2005, 05:12:17 pm » |
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A guys walks into an adult toy store and tells the clerk he would an inflatable doll.The clerk asks the guy if he would like a Christian or a muslim one.The guy puzzled asks the clerk explain the difference. The clerk
says that the Christian one you have to blow up,and the muslim one blows itself up!
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TURN 10 "YOUR SPOT IN THE SUN"
GO SHANE GO!!!
GO TEAM IMPALA GO !!!
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chrisbeatty
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Posts: 283
Note to self, think of something witty.
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« Reply #474 on: June 01, 2005, 12:38:39 pm » |
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Son to his Father: - “Dad, a Ferrari, is that a red car with a horse ?” - “Yes my Son, why ?” - “I think a Ferrari is just about to overtake us on our right side” .....   |
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« Last Edit: June 01, 2005, 12:39:57 pm by chrisbeatty »
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Stu
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« Reply #475 on: June 03, 2005, 08:43:18 pm » |
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For any people wishing to dump their partner and are a bit stuck on how to do it try http://www.goodbyebitch.com/ |
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moped boy
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Posts: 112
beer makes life btr, its pretty bad so drink more!
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« Reply #476 on: June 03, 2005, 09:12:18 pm » |
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you got the horse picks of priceless420.com great site
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Life is short, Party Naked!
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Robspot
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« Reply #477 on: June 03, 2005, 11:38:58 pm » |
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What's the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson?
Scargill hasn't seen a minor's helmet in fifteen years.
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I always stay too long. Long enough for something to go wrong
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jpchenet
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« Reply #478 on: June 05, 2005, 12:46:43 am » |
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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour
peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely
asked,"What are you up to there, Nancy?
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your f****** cat."
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Snoring Rhino
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« Reply #479 on: June 05, 2005, 10:36:07 am » |
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Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor
"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal
"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual
"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal
"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon
"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop
(also taken from Priceless420.com)
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