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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #75 on: March 16, 2004, 02:03:10 pm » |
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Steve  East Anglian cobras 
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Stu
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« Reply #76 on: March 17, 2004, 06:37:48 pm » |
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I've probably told this one before as its one of my favourites and as he's been in the news a bit again here it is.
What has George Michael and a pair of wellington boots have in common.
Ans. They both get sucked off in bogs.
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Simon (WRC GT4)
CA Veteran
Full Member
 Offline
Posts: 172
the waiting's killing me!!
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« Reply #77 on: March 17, 2004, 09:33:46 pm » |
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I've probably told this one before as its one of my favourites and as he's been in the news a bit again here it is.
What has George Michael and a pair of wellington boots have in common.
Ans. They both get sucked off in bogs.
 Don't know where i've been then cos i've not heard that before  Made me laugh anyway  |
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smokie
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« Reply #78 on: March 23, 2004, 10:18:19 am » |
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Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3
rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that''s 30 dollars.”So they pay and
go up to their rooms.
Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He
gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them. On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn''t know how to split it 3
ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.
The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?
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BigH
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« Reply #79 on: March 23, 2004, 11:09:43 am » |
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This is an easy one, I'll leave it for a bit though...
H
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Always with the negative waves Moriarty, always with the negative waves...
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Mr. Rick
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« Reply #80 on: March 23, 2004, 11:49:45 am » |
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Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3
rooms. He says, “10 dollars per room so that''s 30 dollars.”So they pay and
go up to their rooms.
Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He
gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them. On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn''t know how to split it 3
ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.
The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?
Alimentary my dear Watson! As H sez - easy-peasy lemon squeezy. This is the sort of thing that might crop up in the 11+ - talking of which, anyone been on Friends Reunited recently - you can retake 11+ papers against the clock!! Good fun if you like that sort of thing - I'm off to stick some pins in me legs instead. |
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #81 on: March 29, 2004, 11:16:50 am » |
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Business was bad. The boss had to dismiss one of his employees. It came down to Jack or Jill.
He called Jill into his office and said, "Jill, I have to lay you or Jack off."
"You're going to have to jack off then, cos I've got a headache," Jill responded.
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Steve East Anglian cobras
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #82 on: March 29, 2004, 11:19:05 am » |
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A wife decides she will take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Ray! How ya doin?"
His wife is surprised and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no." says Ray. " He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Ray if he'd like his usual and brings over a Manhatten.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says
"How did she know that you like Manhatten's?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League honey.
We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Ray and says "Hi Ray. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Ray's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Ray follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, " Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight Ray."
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Steve East Anglian cobras
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #83 on: March 29, 2004, 11:25:43 am » |
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope ... just when it's raining."
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Steve East Anglian cobras
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gibberish
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« Reply #84 on: March 29, 2004, 01:41:15 pm » |
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LOL Very good Steve |
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Reality is an illusion caused by alchohol deficiency!
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smokie
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« Reply #85 on: March 29, 2004, 08:45:41 pm » |
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Three Labrador retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything- the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon
it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But
I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's
couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table,
postboxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
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Andy Zarse
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« Reply #87 on: March 30, 2004, 09:11:49 am » |
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The question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x
3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the
other dollar?
Did they spend it on whores? |
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I wouldn't sit there if I were you, it's still a bit wet.
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smokie
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« Reply #88 on: March 30, 2004, 10:44:48 am » |
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Dunno. Never worked it out...
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Steve Pyro
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« Reply #89 on: March 30, 2004, 11:48:16 am » |
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Blonde Joke
"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double glazed energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument."
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Steve East Anglian cobras
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