The Dyslexic Kojes thread (from the T shirt thread)

[TonyT]

They all belong to DNA which is short for the National Association of Dylexics.

[gibberish]

Now then, being the dyslexic that I am after a few pints, I'm off down the pube .......

Very nice too, but whose?  

[Bartus]

Dyslexic? I must admitt that english isn't my native language but you better believe it beats about 100% of the "french" I hear from you in June...  

Bartus(who will knit a tricolore on his new t-shirt)

[Mr. Rick]

Dyslexic? I must admitt that english isn't my native language but you better believe it beats about 100% of the "french" I hear from you in June...  

You are right Bartus! Generally our French is not good. I am still surviving (just) on the stuff I learnt at school over 20 years ago. Blame our education system. There are only so many baguettes I can eat in one weekend and I've never had to order any stamps yet, so those French lessons have a very limited use!

 

[Matt Harper]

Rick- your comment about ordering stamps in French reminded me of a situation I found myself in, whilst en vacance in France and doing the old postcard routine. I couldn't, for the life of me, remember what the French word for stamps was, so I improvised and asked for 'billets de postage'. The old bag behind the counter nearly laughed her tits off and even summoned one of her colleagues to share in the ridicule.
I was quite taken aback, as I have found that in general, if you at least make an effort (as opposed to just talking louder in English), the French are extremely obliging courteous and helpful. On reflection I felt like telling her to stick her timbres up her rue de chocolat.
Braketest - please accept my sincere apologies for accusing you of being Dutch. I thought you had given a clue by including a picture of a Spyker - at least it shows you have a sense of humour..... re the Spyker, that is.

[BigH]

Matt, I know what you mean, and so do probably quite a few other brits.
Using exactly the same logic I asked the assistant in the hypermarket where I could find the 'sacs de derriere' (well, this was in the days before someone had thought of those little see through wallets), yes a bum bag was what I was after.
After a lot of rib-clutching, she led me to the right spot, although as we were making our way there the thought occurred to me that she may be taking me to the chemists section for some pile cream.
H

hmmm.... pile cream..

[Mr. Rick]

Which brings me nicely onto one of our party who makes a habit of embarassing himself whilst trying to speaka da lingo...

He speaks a bit posh like too which seems to make it funnier (sorry Mikey, but it's true!!).

1) End of one particular race weekend on the Monday lunchtime, stocking up in Stoc at Mulsanne Corner (now Champion) and he pronounces to the rather attractive young thing on the till "je n'aime pas le petit agent". He was trying to say that he didn't want any small change which is why he was paying her in very small denominations beacuse we were on our way home and banks wouldn't change up small stuff etc..... I guess he meant to say "argent" as in silver (I think), presume "agent" means perhaps agent, as in secret? Either way, said mademoiselle  nearly fell off her chair.

2) Non Le Mans French visit and rather than call a waitress over with "madame", he decided to get all maternal and call her "maman"!!!!

3) At toll booth, chappie refused to take a fairly sizeable note for a small toll. Total language crossover and he thought the chap was saying the note was no good. HUGE "franglais" argument ensues with lots of "non" in loud voices from both sides - turns out the chap meant he didn't have enough change!!! Oh how we laughed!!

 

[Matt Harper]

Ah, the joys of the French hypermarket - the only place you can get cheese and an inflatable boat, complete with outboard motor - in the same aisle.
The assortment of lips and assholes, horses knees and sheeps gums on sale at the deli counter are a sight to behold, also.
H - if I'm not mistaken, what you should have asked for was 'le bumbag'  

[BigH]

But what about my haemorroids??!

[Matt Harper]

I have no desire to even contemplate, let alone discuss your grapes of wrath. Hang on - is that why they call you Big H??

[Andy Zarse]

But what about my haemorroids??!

Surely it's obvious H. Put them in the bumbag.

BTW Are you a relation of the "Preparation H" family?

[Fax]

Must admit, I've been pissing myself laughing at this thread.
Matt, its got me all misty eyed thinking about some of the attempted conversations with Helga the Fish Madame at E.Leclerc. on race morning.
Fax

[Andy Zarse]

One year we were in a restaurant and got one of our less worldly wise pals to ask the waiter for "Boeuf Rideaux". The waiter was mystified.

We were pissing ourselves though, as our friend had asked for Beef Curtains.

[Liszt]

I have no desire to even contemplate, let alone discuss your grapes of wrath. Hang on - is that why they call you Big H??

Oh that is just too funny.  I had to have a coughing fit to disguise the laughter!

[Matt Harper]

Must admit, I've been pissing myself laughing at this thread.
Matt, its got me all misty eyed thinking about some of the attempted conversations with Helga the Fish Madame at E.Leclerc. on race morning.
Fax

Hi John - yes indeed. I recall the first time we tried to persuade the fish-faced fishmongeress to part with some ice for our R2D2's, we somehow got our wires crossed and asked her to fill them with ice cream. The look of utter bewilderment on her scaley little face is burned in my mind forever. The hours we have spent aimlessly shambling around French supermarkets waiting for someone in our group to take command of the situation and start loading up the carts with beer and ejecting some of the superfluous toilet rolls, water, baguettes etc.etc. I'll never forget the time Dave H spent f**k knows how much on sleeping bags, pillows, air mattresses etc - and then discovered he'd forgotten his tent!
Or (slightly off-topic) when we arrived in Indy on Memorial Day Sunday, for the 500, only for you to remind us that you can't buy alcohol in Indiana on Sundays - deep joy.
Andy - your posting was funny - moreover for the mental picture of you lot sniggering in the background, at your unfortunate oppo and the confused waiter - pure 'Viz' readers letters stuff. Excellent!