The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Stu]

I did'nt find out I was dyslexic until last xmas when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

[Robspot]

What does DNA stand for?

The National Dyslexic Association

[stuey]

Then there was the Dsylexic agnostic insomniac.

Who stayed awake all night wondering if there is a dog

[moped boy]

Thought Moped Boy would like this one.

i'm sure that she's a natural blonde

[Rob]

what do you call a chav in a box?

innit!!

[DavidsDad]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "Right, all you b*stards who want to get off here, get a move on 'cause this is the last stop!  All you b*stards who are getting on, hurry up and get your arses in the train."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "You MUSTN'T use that  sort of language!  I don't know where you heard it, but you mustn't use it again.   I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.  When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear those words again.  You should speak nicely, even when you're playing."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand carefully luggage under your seat.  Remember, there is no smoking on the train.  We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Smiling proudly, just as the mother begins to get on with her work she hears the child add, "For those of you who are really pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

[johnevans3]

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he
> saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him
> with a wide grin.
>>
>>
>> "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
>>
>>
>> "Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
>>
>>
>> "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
> but a new truck?"
>>
>> "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We
> were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue
> pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into
> the
> woods. She parked the truck, got out,
>> threw off all her clothes and said,
>>
>> 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
>>
>> So I took the truck!"
>>
>>
>>
>> "Bubba, you're a smart man!.
>> Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[johnevans3]

Well, if you guys didn't like the last one maybe you'll like this one.

 >Subject: Golf story
>
> > > > Four men went golfing one day. Three of them
> headed to the
> > > > first tee and the fourth went into the
> clubhouse to take care
> > > > of the bill.
> > > >
> > > > The three men started talking and bragging
> about their sons.
> > > > The first man told the others, "My son is a
> home builder, and
> > > > he is so successful that he gave a friend a
> new home for free.
> > > > Just gave it to him!"
> > > >
> > > > The second man said, "My son was a car
> salesman, and now he
> > > > owns a multi-line dealership. He's so
> successful that he gave
> > > > one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully
> "loaded."
> > > >
> > > > The third man said "My son is a stockbroker,
> and he's doing
> > > > so incredibly well that he gave his friend an
> entire
> > > > portfolio."
> > > >
> > > > The fourth man joined them on the tee after a
> few minutes of
> > > > taking care of business. The first man
> mentioned, "We were just
> > > > talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
> > > >
> > > > The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay
> and go-go dances
> > > > in a gay bar."
> > > >
> > > > The other three men grew silent as he
> continued, "I'm not
> > > > totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he
> must be doing
> > > > well. His last three boyfriends gave him a
> house, a brand new
> > > > Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

[johnevans3]

Am I the only one reading this thread?   Apparently you guys haven't liked the other two, so here's number 3.  After that, I give up!!!!  I know it's an old one that's been around for awhile but it's still funny anyway.

 A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
> Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
> Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
> The boy now has company.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here."
> Man: "Yes it is."
> Boy: "I have a baseball."
> Man: "That's nice."
> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
> Man: "No, thanks."
> Boy: "My dad's outside."
> Man: "OK, how much?"
> Boy: "$250."
>
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are
> in the closet together.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here."
> Man: "Yes, it is."
> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
> Man: "How much?"
> Boy: "$750."
> Man: "Fine."
>
> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
> glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
> The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
> The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
> The son says,"$1,000."
> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
> friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost.
> I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
>
> They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and
> makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
>
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>
> The priest says, "Don't start that crap again"


As Fran says, keep 'em coming John, we're all enjoying them. Don't expect responses though as the thread will be pruned of non-joke posts (i.e. lots of people saying Excellent, Good One, LOL). Just cos no-one is saying much doesn't mean we don't like 'em!!!  See ya soon. Smokie

And Mr Invisible and Perdu have also agreed on this thread - but I will remove their posts. I remember why I wanted this thread "clean" - I was going on a lad's weekend, and needed some good jokes, but when I went to print the thread it was ridiculously long...

[Fran]

LOL johnevans - keep em coming!

F

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

Here is a link to a Video, that Mr. Clarkson would love.

Perfect Family Car

And Mr Invisible and Perdu have also agreed on this thread - but I will remove their posts. I remember why I wanted this thread "clean" - I was going on a lad's weekend, and needed some good jokes, but when I went to print the thread it was ridiculously long...

That wouldn't be somewhere in the middle of France would it smokie?

[smokie]

A jogger noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so she walked up to her and said,

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,


What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"


"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.


"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.


Apart from that I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels each week, and I eat only junk food.


Most weekends I pop pills and do no exercise at all."


"That is absolutely amazing at your age!" says the jogger.


"How old are you?"


"Twenty-four," she replied

[johnevans3]

Here is one for you efficiency experts.

Subject: Restaurant Efficiency>
>
>  Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the
> waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed
> a
> little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out
> water
> and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then
> looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in
> their
> pocket.
>
>
>       When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the
> spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
> Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.
> After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that
> customers
> drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This
> represents
> a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our
> personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the
> number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
>
>
>       As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.
> Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket
> and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead
> of
> making an extra trip to get it right now."
>
>
>       I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and
> while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that
> there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
> around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from
> their fly.
>
>
>       My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked
> the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
> right
> there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone
> is
> as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out
> that
> we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by
> tying
> this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the
> urinal
> without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands,
> shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
>
>
>       "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out,
> how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even
> further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Robspot]

At the 2004 World Womans conference the  first speaker from Canada
stood up:

"At last year's  conference we spoke about being more assertive
with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home  and told my
husband that I would  no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After  the second day I saw nothing.
But  after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from France stood  up:
"After last year's conference  I went home and told my husband that I
would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to  do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the  second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I saw that he had not only done his own washing
but my washing as well. "

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Glasgow stood  up:
"Efter last year's conference  ah went hame and telt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin, cleanin or shoppin and that he wid  hiftae dae it himsel.
Efter the  first day ah saw nuthin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuthin'.
But efter the third day I could see a  wee bit oot o ma left eye."

[smokie]

Cowboy  Roy always  wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife     "Notice anything different
about me?"

Bessie looks him over "Nope."

Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and  walks back into the room completely naked, except for the boots.  

 Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice  anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says,     "Roy, what's different?  It's hanging
down
today, it was hanging  down yesterday, and it'll be hanging   down again
tomorrow."

Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING   DOWN,  BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING  AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To  which Bessie replies,

 "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy, shoulda bought a hat