The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[smokie]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient!

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news
is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with
the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's
dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

[Nordic]

Billy Bob and Jimmy Joe were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Jimmy Joe,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a
little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Earlene with me."

[Nordic]

13 things that annoy Billy Connolly.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their #### to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. so what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

[smokie]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Famous Grouse whisky and women with big tits."

[smokie]

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

[smokie]

A guy with a tall hat walks into a cafe and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. He eats one bite and leaves the cafe without paying. The waitress is pissed and tells the manager. The manager runs outside looking for the man with the tall hat and sees him walking up some stairs down the street.

The manager follows him up the stairs and realizes he went into a whore house. The manager asks to know where the gentleman with the tall hat is and the madam reluctantly points to his room.

The manager knocks a couple times and with no reply he kicks in the door. He sees the man eating this girl out and angerly asks him why he didn't pay for his soup. The gentleman with the tall hat replied that there was a hair in his soup. The manager says "You have your face in that and your worried about a hair in your soup???." The gentleman says "Yup, and if I find a chicken noodle in here I'm not paying for this either!"

[smokie]

Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

[SteveB]

I hear President Bush believes that Al Qaeda are responsible for the flooding in New Orleans. Apparently he thinks it was a suicide plumber.

[Werner]

A HEART RENDING STORY AND A COMPASSIONATE MAN

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot.

I consider telling people what they ought to do as one of my strong points...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her.

Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is another one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,
Ron


EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb.3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing.. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it, and died.

[Abs]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.  One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude:  What in the hell is that?
 
Mable:  A condom.  This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
 
Maude:  Where did you get it?
 
Mable:  You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
 
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very  delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
 
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
 
The pharmacist fainted.

[Neil]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm..... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex.
Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?"
And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night"
Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[Andy Zarse]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could all do with a little calm.  By following the simple advice I read
in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have
started".

So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel.

[DelBoy]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the
same tag-line...

Sainsbury condoms - Making life taste better.

Tesco condoms - Every little helps.

Nike condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.

Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC condoms - Finger licking good.

Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey national condoms - Because life is complicated enough.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.

Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.

Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.

f**k condoms - No comment required.

Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.

Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.

Renault condoms - Size really does matter.

Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.

Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim (please).

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.

Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world.

AA condoms - For our customers we're the 4th emergency service.

Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.

Polo condoms - The condom with the hole.

And finally, with a prize for the best answer:

Tropicoma condoms - .............................................................

Del

 

[jpchenet]

Tropicoma Condoms - The Liver Is Evil And Must Be Punished (Internally) Condoms

[Nobby Diesel]

In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with . . a misdewiener!