The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[johnevans3]

Parking:  Watch the video

http://www.way2park.com/

[Bob U]

A man goes for a job in the quality assurance department at Durex.

The forman takes him round the plant, shows him the machinary and offers him the job.

"What exactly will the job entail?" ask the interviewee.

"Well" says the forman "You have to check ! in 100" and procedes to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the light then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She hitches up her skirt pulls down her knickers and bends over.

The forman gives her a good rodgering. after he has finished he pulls off the rubber, stretches it, holds it up to the light and again confirms no holes.

"Easy as that" he says.

"When do I start" asks the man unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp"

The man hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night and is outside the Durex factory at 6:30 Monday morning.

Anyway the production line startsup and the man faithfully counts 100 ribbed black mambos, (lubricated withSensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his Old Man and calls the seretary over. Over she comesgrabs hold of his manhood and proceeds to rigorously masterbate him.

Rather startled and confused just looks at the secretary, who says,

"Sorry, company policy, you've got to work a week in hand"

[johnevans3]

Five Classic Affairs:

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
 "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
 "I can't lie to you," he replied,
 "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
 We had sex all afternoon."
 She looked down at his shoes and said:
 "You lying bastard!
" You've been playing golf!"
 

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby!
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
 "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such
an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
 "I have something to show  you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,  "Schwartz is dead!"


The 4th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
 "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."  "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:  "How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs  with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 5th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

[Rob]

How to impress a woman...
wine her
dine her
call her
hug her
hold her
surprise her
compliment her
smile at her
laugh with her
cry with her
cuddle her
shop with her
give her jewellery
buy her flowers
hold her hand
write love letters to her
write poetry for her
go to the ends of the earth and back for her

How to impress a man...
show up naked
bring beer

[jpchenet]

Wayne Rooney walked into teh England changing rooms after his scan and announce to the guys "It's OK, I can play, the doctors cave me a Cortisone Injection"

Everyone was happy except Beckham, who sat in the corner frowning.

What's wrong David?" asked Sven, to which he replied, "I'm the captain, how come that fat scouse bastard gets given a new Italian Sportscar and I don't!!)

[johnevans3]

BULL BREEDING



A man took his wife to the county fair and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and
there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last
year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50
times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year."
"The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than
twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year".
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
the same cow?"

  *NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

[Rhino]

A doctor is finishing an operation by stiching the patient up.
Before he has finished the patient wakes up and starts aggresively questioning him about the operation.
When he tells him he is about to stitch him up the patient snatches the needle from him and say's he will finish it himself.
The doc steps back and replies "well suture yourself"

[Bob U]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in a bar discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's arl going grand" says Jock. "I've got everything organised arlready  the Flowers, the church, the reception, the cars, the rings, the minister even ma stag night"

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought mesen a kilt ta get married in" continues Jock.

"A kilt" exclaimes Archie. "Thats braw, you'll look pure smart in that"

"And whats the tarten?" Archie then enquires.

"Och" says Jock. "I'd imagine she'll be in white"

[Bob U]

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in a sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister.
"I've decided to become an England supporter and would like this shirt for my birthday"

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says,
"Go talk to your mother"

Off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirtin hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes Son"
"I've decided to become an England supporter and would like this shirt for my birthday"
The mother is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head twice and says,
"Go talk to your Father"

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad"
"Yes son"
"I've decided to become an England supporter and would like this shirt for my birthday"
The Father is outraged by this and whacks him round the head 4 times and says.
"No Son of mine is going to be seen in THAT"

About half an hour later they are all in the car on there way home. The Father turns to his Son and says
"Son, I hope that you have learned something today"
The Son says.
"Yes Dad I have"
The Dad says
"Good Son what is that?"
The Son replies.

"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you f**k*ng Germans"

[johnevans3]

Well, since there's nobody around to see this....Maybe when you all get back.

Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly  to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.


"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.


"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"


"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.


"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.


"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Martini...LB]

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says,

"Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set?

"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.

'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says,

"No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer, Sven?"

"Final answer, Chris."

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham, ..........

SCROLL DOWN YOU'LL LIKE THIS
























"... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[Werner]

England v Brazil


It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the
Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.
We know it's important but it's only England.
They're sh*t and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)".
He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone
remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put
the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1
(Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against
England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho.
They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his
hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And
they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[Bob U]

A lady walks into a BMW dealership.
She browses around, spots a top of the range 7 series Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel th e fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarressed she looks around vervously to see if anyone her little accident and prays that a sales person dosn't pop up right now. As she turns round her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a young salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and showing complete professionalism the salesman greets the lady with.

"Good day madam. How can I help you today?"

Very uncomfortably and hoping that the salesman just might not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks,

"Sir, what is the price lovely vehicle?"

He answers.

"Madam, if you farted just touching it you are going to sh*t yourself when I tell the price"

[LangTall]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

I got a £50 note tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a £50 pound note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one - I like to watch my money grow; two - once in a while I like to play with my money; three - I like how money feels in my hand and lastly - instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow £50 quid anytime you want.

[Rob]

1. What do you call a chav in a box?

innit.

2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted


3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?

Safe.

4. What do you call a chav on fire?

Blazin'

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
stairs.


6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try
not to hit him?

It might be your bike.


8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

"What you lookin' at?"


10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint go-faster stripes on it.


11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police


12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?

A liar.


13. What do you say to a chav with a job?

Can I have a Big Mac please.


14. What do you say to a chav in a suit?

Will the defendant please stand



15. What do you call a knife in chav-ville?

Exhibit A


16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?

A Nova seats 5


17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette?

Granny.


18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, they'll screw anything.


19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river?

A start.


20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor?

None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."


21. Why did the chav take a shower?

He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car
wash.


22. Why did the Chav cross the road?

To start a fight with a random stranger for absolutely no reason
whatsoever.


23. What do you call a Chav at college?

The cleaner.


24. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins?

Society.


25. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were
approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerichgwyndobwyllantysyllyog ogogoch
they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one Chav asks the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you
settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are.. very slowly?"

The blonde girl leans over the counter and says,

"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing