The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Nobby Diesel]

What were you doing there?

Anything you'd like to announce?

[Ferrari Spider]

FULLY AIR CONDITIONED CAR

[/color]

[SteveB]

New Terms for all you budding Golfers

 

An Adolf - taking two shots in a bunker
 
An Arthur Scargill - great strike but a poor result
 
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
 
An O.J. Simpson - shouldn't have, but got away with it
 
A Condom - safe but didn't feel right
 
An elephant's arsehole - it's high; and it stinks
 
A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know that I shouldn't be
 
A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner
 
An IRA shot - a provisional
 
A Diego Maradonna / Dennis Wise - nasty five footer
 
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
 
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
 
A lady boy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
 
A gynaecologist's assistant - just shaves the hole
 
Does your husband play? - for when a man hits a short tee shot
 
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
 
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
 
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water>
 
A Marilyn Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")
 
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
 
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
 
A Michael Jackson - fading away
 
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
 
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
 
A Tony Blair - too much spin
 
A Bin Laden - driven out and never to be found again
 
A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't

[nickliv]

knetter posted this to our forum:

I sent this pic around to a few people, my Father in Laws wife told me that I shouldn't proliferate this type of oppression, and that I was as bad as a terrorist.

Guess that's me off the Christmas card list then. Hey - ho

[Bob U]

A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come  >home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big  >smile on his face.
 >
 >"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had  >sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"
 >
 >His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You  >talk to him".
 >
 >Then she left the room.
 >The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm  >proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that  >ten-speed bike you've been wanting.
 >
 >I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".
 >"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.
 >
 >"I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore".

[SteveB]

GEORGE Bush has a heart attack and dies. The devil is waiting for him in hell.

“I'm not sure what to do," said the devil. “You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded fair, so he agreed. The devil opened the door to the first room. In it was a large pool of hot water, into which Richard Nixon was being made to dive over and over again, all day long. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" said George. “I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could stay in hot water all day."

The devil led him to the next room, in which Tony Blair was being made to sledgehammer away all day at a huge pile of rocks.

"No!" said George. “I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day."

The devil opened a third door. In the room, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she reportedly does best. George looked at this in disbelief for a while, before deciding, “Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica. You're free to go."

[Bob U]

Found this Ad.  How very true.

Post Date:
 Aug 7th, 2006
 
Expire Date:
 Sep 6th, 2006
 

$10,000

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT   84025   -   Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve.   (801)867-8292

[neilsie]

E-Mailing the wrong wife
This was voted as the best e-mail joke in Australia in 2001.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at th e conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man w as told he would have to wait for a later flight.

He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was havin g a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his w ife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know.
Just got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.

** P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

[Stu]

Found this one amusing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPcEtwVF4pc

[Bob U]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, but flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?

[neilsie]

knetter posted this to our forum:

I sent this pic around to a few people, my Father in Laws wife told me that I shouldn't proliferate this type of oppression, and that I was as bad as a terrorist.

Guess that's me off the Christmas card list then. Hey - ho

if thats the case, i'm off to print this out several times!

[Doris]

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive  woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,

"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.  He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off."

Just send the bottle back!

[Neil]

Hope this won't offfend anyone.  But bloody LOL

 
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says
"Whoa,look at the size of that f*cker!"
 
Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
 
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out,
 
Sorry father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"
 
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the
fish back to church.
 
 Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
 
Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.
 
 No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.
 
 "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker
and we could have it for dinner".
 
 So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother
superior.
 
Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
 
My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
 
No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the
bishop.
 
 Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful,
 
 I'll cook that f*cker tonight,
 
 The Pope is coming for dinner!"
 
 The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
 
 "Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.
 
"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
 
"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.
 
 The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on
his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table,
 
 Pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You c*nts are
alright."

[termietermite]

A man gives his wife a puppy for her birthday. Only problem is, this is positively the ugliest dog in the world.  The wife refuses to give it a home.  "Take that bloody thing out of my sight.  You can't possibly think I want to stare at that ugly little thing all day?"
Perplexed, the guy takes the poor little thing for a walk in the local churchyard.  He spots the vicar having a quick jodrel behind a gravestone and has an idea.  "Evening, vicar," he says.
Surprised and embarassed the vicar says, "my goodness, that's an ugly little dog you've got there."
"Yes," replies the man, "and being a man of God, I just know you'll give him a home."
"Well..."
"I know you will, because otherwise, I'll tell all your parishioners what I've just witnessed. What's more you'll pay me £100 for him."
Naturally, the vicar takes the dog home.
The next afternoon, the vicar is having tea with the bishop.  "My goodness," he says.  "What an ugly little dog."
"Do you mind," says the vicar, "I paid £100 for that dog."
"Somebody must have seen you coming."

[Rhino]

Did you hear about the paranoid German vegetarian?
He feared the wurst...