The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Nordic]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive so, I took her to a gas station.....   and then the fight started....

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my  Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.  The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have  gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked,' Do you know her?'

Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

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I rear-ended a car this morning.  Slowly the other driver got out of his car.  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HA P P Y!!!'

'Well, then which one are you?'  And then the fight started....

[Jules G]

The Blonde in the Casino.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and Yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...  "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

[Jules G]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. 
 
Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a paparazzi photographer capturing the moment of the holy seed flying through the air.
 
'Hold on a minute' said the Pope. 'You can't publish that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church'.
 
'This picture is my lottery win' said the photographer. 'I'll be financially secure for life'.
 
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.
 
The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera.
 
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
 
 'That looks like a really good camera' she said 'how much did it cost you?'
 
'Two million dollars' replied the Pope.
 
 'TWO MILLION DOLLARS!' said the housekeeper, 'They must have seen you coming'.

[Jules G]

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses.  One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.  The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.  None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.  As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.  At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.  The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.'

[Jules G]

The Five Minute Management Lesson

1:A  man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her  shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there  stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
 Before she says a word, Bob  says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
=0 A
After  thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in  front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.   The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.   
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
 
 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.   

 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800  he owes me?'
 Moral  of the story:

 If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson  2:
A  priest offered a Nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her legs,  forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an  accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand  up her leg. 
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'   

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let
his  hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father,  remember Psalm
129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the  flesh is weak.' 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily  and went on her way.  On his arrival at the church, the priest  rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up,  you will find glory.'
Moral  of the story:
If  you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great  opportunity.
Lesson
3:  A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie  comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you jus t one wish.'   
 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,  without a care in the world.'   Puff! She's gone.
 'Me next! Me  next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in  Hawaii , relaxing on the  beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and  the love of my life.'  Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,'  the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two  back in the office after lunch.'


Moral  of the story:
Always  let your boss have the first say.


Lesson  4
An  eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why  not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
 
Moral  of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 
Lesson &nb sp;5
A  turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'


The turkey  pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.


The next day,  after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch.   

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at  the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who  shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull  sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

 Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was  lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.  The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A  passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following  the sound, the cat discovered the bird
under the pile of cow dung, and  promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1)  Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone  who gets you out of sh*t is your

 friend.

(3) And when you're  in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
 
THUS  ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[firefly]

 am not sponsered by Tesco but Beats the grapefruit diet and more nutritious than the Cambridge anyway .!




I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid *** ..........why else would I buy dog food?

[Jules G]

A Sunday school teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday school
class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven

  She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

  'NO!' the children answered.

  'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
  everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

  Again, the answer was 'No!'

  By now she was starting to smile.

  'Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

  Again they all answered 'No!'

  She was just bursting with pride for them.

  Well she continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?

  A six year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, 'YUV GOTTAE BE FLIPPIN DEAD YA
MUPPET' (I IMPROVISE SLIGHTLY

[Steve Pyro]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".

[Steve Pyro]

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

[Jules G]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back.  We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 'It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...  'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE'

 

[Werner]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

[Bob U]

Bob Geldof, Ozzy Osbourne and Gary Glitter were on board the Titanic when she hit the iceberg.

"Save the children" shouts Geldof.

"f**k the children" yells Ozzy.

"Have we got time" asks Glitter.

[Jules G]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price.' 

 

[firefly]

New York
- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.


He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They desire
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
search of absolute values.'

They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to
every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have
given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the President.
          Please note, although no boardcode and smiley buttons are shown, they are still useable

[Steve Pyro]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"  The father, never having seen a lift, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room, the walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. 

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. 
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ...    "Go get your mother..."