Andy Zarse - Christmas list - NSFW

[nopanic - neil]

I know how much Andy loves Christmas, and as it is Early Nov. Perfect time for get his list ready.  


So may I put the first item on his list as, (please feel free to add - i'm sure he will be gratefull for all sugestions.) Something he could give, and would be still attached to it/

No.1  
You can keep your technological breakthroughs and advances in medical science; when a product involves boobies and booze, top retailers (okay, us) stand up and listen. Ladies and gentlemen (well, gentlemen with strange peccadilloes), introducing the WineRack™.

http://www.firebox.com/product/2061/The-WineRack?via=ser#more_info_h

[Andy Zarse]

Oh Christ not bloody christmas again 

[nickliv]

Yep, it seems to come round every year.

[Jason]

I wait till December 1st

[nopanic - neil]

I wait till December 1st

Why - TV, Radio and the shops are pushing Crimbo, I don't think Andy Z would like be be left out 

[Lord Pig-Pen]

this has got me giggling already this morning, god knows why, anyway, how about an zARSE PUMP, sorry no before and after shots from me!!

Thats f**k*ng awful! He must have blown his guts out to puff her up!

[Jules G]

Christmas Elf and Safety

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the r eddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

[Andy Zarse]

So, A very merry Xmas to Team Zarse, any plans to go to a non-christian country over crimbo?

No sadly, I tried that in 2007 when a few Zarses went to China one xmas eve. I was furious when we arrived and I realised the Chinese really go to town on Christmas.  I was obliged to spend three days locked in a hotel room with a Virgin Atlantic hostess who took a similarly dim view of the festivities. It was awful and I wont be doing that again I can tell you.   

[Andy Zarse]

Well thank you Peter 

And may I reciprocate by giving you the privilege of being the first person this year I have said the following to:

BAH HUMBUG!! BUGGER CHRISTMAS!!

[Barry]

BAH HUMBUG!! BUGGER CHRISTMAS!!

A.Zarse Esq. has uttered that famous phrase, so it's now official, Christmas is approaching fast.

[nopanic - neil]

not christmas, but can not think of any  better christmas pressie, esp after 4 pints of Peroni  

Well, made me smile  

It is a winner to me  

[nickliv]

came across this on Amazon of all places, not sure if a hardened camper would ever use one, if you know what I'm mean

And what exactly were you looking for?

[Andy Zarse]

it's been a bit of a crap day, Mr Clarkson, his holines, hasn't get tickets for LM next year, Ian... has been ditched by his son and needs to find a replacement camping chum.  I've done a Bob U...

Theres nothing left but turn to Alf and see if she can help...

Happy Crimbo Zarse

I'm afraid I don't have a pic of the Gimp in a Santa hat, Peter, but nevertheless, being treated like a yuletime Max Mosley seems to me a better option than the hateful traditional festive "cheer" which awaits most of us in a couple of weeks time.

I hope this glowering statue of Tony Hancock, set amongst the christmas shopping in Birmingham, cheers you up.

BAH HOMBURG!!  

[Andy Zarse]

Mr Hancock, one my all time favourite comedians, its right up my street as I have have blood taken so often, its a perfect into, "this won't hurt, you'll just feel a small prick"  timeless

"That's very nearly an armful!"


For your personal enjoyment 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsEbCQzPhl8&feature=related

[Andy Zarse]

I like the Hancock's Half Hour "Sunday Afternoon" radio version. It summarises the total hopelessness of this country.