My plans were coming along nicely. Having decided to take the camper instead of the Jensen, I thought that all I needed to do was increase my daily beer intake so as not to shock the liver come the time. However.......
Driving home in said van last night there was an almighty bang which was soon followed by a revolting smell I can only describe as a very old, wet golden retriever, that's been rolling in a mixture of pig manure, very expensive French cheese and toe batter ( you know, that foul smelling stuff you get having trimmed down your ingrowning toe nails. Why is it that you always sniff it at least twice?).
Pulling over at the side of the road and vomiting in front of two elderly women, I gathered my composure and pulled my T shirt up over my nose before re-entering the van to investigate.
My mind instantly went back to Christmas, when a few days after the turkey fest, myself and a few dozen friends ventured down to Dalby Forest on the pretence of riding bicycles, rather than our true objective which was to stand around moaning about Christmas whilst emptying several hip flasks.
Anyhoo. Being the host, I took down several packs of bacon, bread, tea, coffee and milk. When my friends arrived they were treated by bacon butties and a brew. What a jolly day we had. My friend drove me home whilst I snoozed in a drunken state. Oh happy days.
Fast forward to yesterday, a hot day on the back of several similar hot days. The sleepy market town of Morpeth was rocked by an explosion of such magnitude it could be smelled all the way to Blyth (some feat indeed as it always smells of fish and crack).
Now I'm not sure if Al-Qaeda are Club Arnage members, but they could be onto something here. Take one carton of innocent looking milk and leave in the mini fridge of a van for five months. Add a few warm days and bingo!
So, back on topic. My preparations for Le Mans now involves buying a new van. The current van is being wrapped in thick lead sheets and then will be lowered into the ground and encased in concrete. As for myself, I'm sure that the bleach which I'm pouring up my nostrils four times a day will have taken effect by June, and hey at least the nasal hair problem that I've developed as a near forty is now a distant memory. I'm emotionally scarred for sure, and I'll never be able to touch dairy products again ( even the thoughts of breasts make me shudder today), but hopefully, one day I'll be able to put it all behind me.
Remember kids. Milk is evil.
Si
