Jaguar

[The Planman]

I think I have to concur, partly, with Big H, I too have a cold and lashings of the aforementioned snot so undertook my own experiment.

Whilst I agree a fair amount of snot does still remain on the stick, with the right wrist action a blob of it does indeed travel a fair distance at speed.  My conclusion being, if you don’t mind parts of your Ford being left on the stick, other parts will indeed get there quite quickly.

Thanks Big H, love the work you’re doing !!

Planman

[Andy Zarse]

I'm convinced I've cracked it!

Bob's D'rover was probably made under BMW ownership in no lesser place than Solihull, the snotty end of Birmingham. Indeed the alloy name badge on earlier LR products proclaimed "Land Rover - Birmingham". However, once the vehicles began to be seen as lifestyle accessories, it soon changed to "Land Rover - Solihull, Warkwickshire". Add this to your average 3 series owner's snotty nosed attitude and you have all the mucal evidence you need.

I'm a bit more bemused by the Jags though. Whilst I do accept modern Jags are often driven by rather snotty people, they're built by the Liverpool Boys, less snotty folk you couldn't hope to meet, so perhaps we're back to sqare one.

And I've always been bemused by people who stick bogeys to the tiles above the urinals in pub toilets. Why?

[Chris (Liverpool Boys)]

So what about the VOLO then?

[Bob U]

So what about the VOLO then?

I presume you are not talking about a V-TWIN or that would make it a VOLVO

[Chris (Liverpool Boys)]

yes I did mean VOLVO wheres the spell check when you need it.

And i wont alter the first post as I'm man enough to admit I can't spell

[Bob U]

yoo ownly haf two reed sum ov mi powsts 2 reulise I carnt spel

[BigH]

love the work you’re doing

Thanks Planman, I'm still on the case. I had planned to continue with my research, and have a shovel here, ready. However a little constipation on my part has delayed this experiment. I'll keep you posted.

Apart from the tiles above the urinals, what the **** is that truckers get up to in the service station traps to leave them in that state?
H

[The Planman]

love the work you’re doing

 However a little constipation on my part has delayed this experiment.

It's a shame you're not here in Jersey, I have "lumps of it round the back" due to some tit force feeding me with Vodka and Redbull at the weekend!

I feel this reseach is of the utmost importance if we are ever to find out which is quicker off a stick, snot or sh*t !!

[Andy Zarse]

love the work you’re doing

Thanks Planman, I'm still on the case. I had planned to continue with my research, and have a shovel here, ready. However a little constipation on my part has delayed this experiment. I'll keep you posted.

Apart from the tiles above the urinals, what the **** is that truckers get up to in the service station traps to leave them in that state?
H

The truckers leave a mess primarily because their diet of fry-ups lacks sufficient fibre. This means constipation and results in excessive straining and concommitant thrashing around and sucking on lavatory paper. As a man who's suffering too, I'd have thought you'd have realised this.

The Planman has one solution, vodka is a well known laxative and emetic. But I wouldn't recommend it's use before driving a truck. A heaped serving spoon of mustard powder in a glass of water works wonders I'm told. Failing that, try rubbing the green end of a goose turd around your navel.

Dr Zarse

[Bob U]

It seems to me that four main elements have surfaced in the course of this thread,those being, Snot,Stick Bogey and a Goose Turd. If these letters are rearranged into a well known phrase or saying we get " YO, GET TURBO DISCO,GO'ES KNOTS". Which proves that my original observation that "a V8 landrover go'es like snot off a stick" is in fact true. I rest my case.

[The Planman]

The Planman has one solution, vodka is a well known laxative and emetic.

So Dr, tell me, when will my poo stop smelling like Redbull?

[Andy Zarse]

The Planman has one solution, vodka is a well known laxative and emetic.

So Dr, tell me, when will my poo stop smelling like Redbull?

I take it you want to treat the problem not the syptoms. I suggest a holistic remedy would be best. I will need to consult with Chris Zarse who is a state registered nutrionist. But I'd be surprised if the cure will not contain a diet of large donner kebab sprinkled with an ounce of St Bruno Ready Rubbed.

[The Planman]

Ah of course a Donor - truly the food of Gods!

How foolish that I should not think to treat myself sooner!!

You are my lighthouse in the fog of Redbull smellie poo!!

Thank you Doctor, I will start your prescrition on the way home from the pub tonight !!

[Andy Zarse]

Chris advises the reasons are twofold. Firstly, runny stools are caused by an overindulgence of alcohol and secondly, the excess sugar causes an adverse osmotic gradient in the large intestine (technically known as the shitfactory). This causes osmotic diarrhoea.

Most stomach gases (technically known as blowing off) are caused bya breakdown of soluble fibres, but there don't seem to be any in Redbull. Chris thinks it's the Taurine content, it's a hormone and is protein based and is not usually drunk, being more commonly used as the active ingridient in Holt's Screenwash.

Perhaps they should change the advertising strapline to

"Redbull. Gives you the shits. And they smell of Redbull".

 It's a winner if you ask me.

[The Planman]

Ahh Dr Zarse your remedy worked a treat.

Wobbled home after last orders last night, and indeed partook of the aforementioned donor, and I have to say it has worked wonders.  However, I was unaware of the side effects, being a burning ring of fire.

I do, however, know what has brought these on!  Due to the amount of alcohol consumed, I was forgetting that the ability to judge quantity would leave me.  When asked how much chilli sauce needed to be applied, “just keep it coming I can handle it” was now, with the benefit of hindsight, the wrong thing to say!!

Never mind, at least I’m rid of the damn smell of Redbull, only to be replaced by the fear of going to the loo cos my arse is on fire !!!  

Thank Chris for me, I know he was only trying to help

Planman