The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[nickliv]

In the beginning there was nothing.
And God said 'Let there be light'
There was still f**k all
But at least he could see.

[Leftie]

THE LADS' PRAYER

   Our beer,
   Which art in barrels,
   Hallowed be thy drink.
   Thy will be drunk,
   I will be drunk,
   At home as it is in the local.
   Forgive us this day our daily spillage
   As we forgive those who spillest against us.
   And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
   And deliver us from alco-pops,
   For mine is the bitter,
   the ale and the lager,
  Forever and ever;

  BARMEN
 --------------------------------

THE GIRLIES PRAYER

Our Marks
Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy foodhall
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Kookai bag
In Hermes
As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Next Card
And lead us not into Dorothy Perkins
And deliver us from Topshop
For thine is the Naff Naff, The Cartier and the Versace
For Gaultier and Eternity

AMEX

[Jules G]

Once upon a time, there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly, a Porsche 911 screeches to a halt beside him. A woman steps out and asks the shepherd: 'If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I keep one?' The shepherd agrees.

She connects a laptop to a mobile phone modem, enters the Nasa website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high-tech mini-printer. She studies the report and says to the shepherd: 'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'

The shepherd replies: 'That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock.'

She packs up, surveys the flock and puts one in the boot. As she is about to leave, the shepherd says: 'If I can guess your profession, will you return the animal to me?' She agrees.

The shepherd says: 'You are an HR manager.'

'Correct,' says the woman, 'but how did you know?'

 The shepherd replies: 'First, you came without being invited. Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew. And third, you don't understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway. Now, can I have my dog back?'

[nopanic - neil]

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING-GUM !!

[nopanic - neil]

For all Handymen out there,


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5aMJVau2pQ

[Leftie]

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflict and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.  This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system.  I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how  GirlFriend is totally object oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.  He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.  So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.

It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of  the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.  On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, its software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.

[Christopher]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[Christopher]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed
before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me,
too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Leftie]

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm.

After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."

He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."

He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket woman !"

[Leftie]

Excerpt from a live radio interview on a regional Welsh radio station:


A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a Youth club:

Interviewer: So, Mr Jones, what are you going to do with these
children on this adventure holiday?

Jones:  We're going to teach them climbing, sailing, canoeing,
archery, shooting...

Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

Jones:  I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.

Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

Jones:  I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

Interviewer: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

Jones:  Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one,
are you?

At this point, the interview was terminated.

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey. Seamus said "Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks.

Murphy said, OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.
"The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
I'm drunk and me knees are feckin' killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

[nopanic - neil]

Offerings at the Church had been down the past several Sundays and the Vicar decided he had to do something to change the trend.

The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed, he said, "Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to say this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife. And if he doesn't put at least fifty pounds in the collection plate this morning, I will reveal his name."

Later, as he counted the offering, the preacher found 18 fifty-pound notes - and a twenty-pound note with a note clipped to it reading, "Hold your peace and I'll have the other thirty to you before sundown."

[Leftie]

Caution

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and
local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a
drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called
"Beer", is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from
taps, and in large "kegs".  Beer is used by female sexual
predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a
few units of beer and then simply ask him home for 'no
strings attached' sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After
several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform
sexual acts on horrific looking women (Ten Pinters) to whom
they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories
of exactly what happened to them the night before, often
with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of
their savings, in a familiar scam known as  "a
relationship".

It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may
even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a
longer form of servitude and punishment known as "Marriage".

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after
Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
females.

Please, forward this warning to every male you know. If you
fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues
in every town where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with
similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf
Courses" in the Yellow Pages.

[Jules G]

EVERTON were celebrating today after agreeing the most lucrative sponsorship deal in the club’s history.

Chief executive Keith Wyness and chief operating officer Robert Elstone were in Speke to sign a deal with Phizer the manufacturer of impotence drug Viagra that is worth £8 to the Blues, with the contract running until they move out of the city.

Viagra’s name will appear on the front of Everton’s shirts since they have only had one semi in ten years, and this ultimately ended in disappointment.

After David Moyes’ side finished in fourth place at the end of January 2008, and reached the last 32 of the UEFA Cup expectation has been raised around Woodison Park. A £2 a-year performance-related deal was agreed but the terms of the new arrangement will see Everton receive the bulk of the £8 up front and Wyness is thrilled with the terms that have been struck.
 

 

[Jules G]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next."
 
I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.