The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[johnevans3]

Robbo can't be the last one on this....

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next-door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.  After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"  "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.  "Great!" the husband says, "Did he give you the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[Steve Pyro]

Potentially vs realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father ponders for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned".

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that".

The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity".

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically"?

The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers".

The father replied "That's my boy."

[Gilles]

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to bomb next, when his phone rang. "Hello," the voice said. "This is Paddy at the Harp Pub in Ireland, I am ringing you to say me and a couple of me mates are declaring war on you!" "Well Paddy," replied Saddam, "how big is your army"

"Well lets see there's me, my brother sean, my next door neighbour seamus and the local dart team." "Ahh" said Saddam. "I must tell you that you are against 1 million men, 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured personnel carriers." Paddy then hung up....The next day, sure enough, Paddy rung again, "The war is still on Mr. Hussein." Paddy said. "We now have some infantry and equipment."

"What would that be" Saddam asked. "Well we have 2 combines, a bulldozer, and Father Murpheys Grey Fergy tractor," Paddy replied. Saddam sighed "Paddy may I tell you that my army has increased to 2 million men since we last spoke." "I'll get back to ya," Paddy said. Sure enough Paddy rang again, "Right Mr. Hussein, we've modified our two seater Harrigans ultra light plane with a gattling gun, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us."

Saddam cleared his throat lay back on his chair and said, "Paddy... I have 10000 bombers, 20000 fighter planes, and I am surrounded by surface to air lazer guided missles, and my army has incresed to 2 and a half million men since yesterday." "Oh" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring ya back" Paddy called again the next day and said "I'm sorry, but the wars been called off." "I'm sorry to hear that, why the sudden change of heart?" asked Saddam. "Well after a discussion over a couple of pints we decided there's no way we could feed two and a half million prisoners"

[gibberish]

Very good Gilles, although I think I might have heard that one before  

[Nordic]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
   counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
   I'd really rather have a job."  The social worker behind the counter says,
   "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
   who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
   You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
   Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
   to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment
   above the garage.  The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says,
   "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Nordic]

No more nails - it does what it says on the tin.

[Nordic]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What' s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of  strangely ( she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks  what
brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. "

The pharmacist fainted.

[Bob U]

Get your toasting fork ready Nordic cause your gonna burn in hell. But it is very funny.

[Bob U]

This is a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some building workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
 A young family moved into a house next to a vacant plot. One day a constuction crew turned up to build a house on the vacant plot. The young families 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her ,let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and they even gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important. At the end of the week they presented her with her own pay packet cotaining £5.
 The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate of admiration and suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and ask the little girl how she had come accross her very own pay packet at such a young age.
 The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house"
 "My goodness" said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week ?"
 The little girl replied " I will if those useless ****s at B&Q ever bring us the ****ing plasterboard.




LOL but more stars next time please Bob! smokie

[johnevans3]

Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter,
  decided they should go to college so they could get
 ahead.
 
 Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him
 to take Math, History, and Logic.
 
 "What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
 
 "Well, let me give you an example," said the
 professor. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
 
 "Sure do," the redneck responded.
 
 "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a
 yard," the professor went on.
 
 "That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
 
 "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you
  also have a house. Is that right?"
 
 "GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
 
 "And since you own a house and a house is tough to
 take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you
 have a wife. Right?"
 
 "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching
 on now.
 
 "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can
 assume you are heterosexual rather than homosexual.
 Is that right?"
 
 "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most
 fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to
 take this here logic  class!"
 
 Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him,
 walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still
 waiting. "So what classes are  ya takin"? Cooter
 asks.
 
 "Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
 
 "What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
 
 "Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you
 own a weed-eater?"
 
 "No." says Cooter.
 
 "You're Queer, aintcha?"

 

[SteveB]

Cherie Blair died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Cherie, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said Cherie "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Winston Churchill's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Winston told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Tony's clock?" asked Cherie

"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Werner]

"Old" is when . . .

-Your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
-Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
-A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
-You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
-Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
-When it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
-When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
-"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
-An "All nighter" means not getting up to pee!

[Bob U]

A Jelly Baby walks into a pub and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading for that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Bean says "No mate I'm a soft centre I always end up getting my head kicked in". So Smartie says "Don,t worry about it I'm a hard case I'll look after you". Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you look after me" and of they go.
After a few more beers in the club three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them Smartie hides under a table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with sugary chairs and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls up his battered jelly body over to the table and wipes up his jelly blood turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me"
"I was" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*****g menthol

[smokie]

This isn't a joke but I didn't think it merited a new thread of its own...

http://korwww.free.fr/stationessence_feu.avi

[DelBoy]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised
she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat
right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going
to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He
swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek
descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name.."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."

DB (Aka Paddy)