The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Steve Pyro]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai"

[landman]

Are you insured for sex?

The Correct Insurance Companies are:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex On the telephone - Direct Line

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life

Sex with a Transvestite - Confused.com

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a Posh bird - Privileged

[landman]

A bloke took a girl home after clubbing last night, after a few drinks they went upstairs.

While they were taking their clothes off a voice came from the bed: -

"I hope that's not that fat bitch from last week!"

The girl said "what the f**k was that?"

Bloke said "it's that bastard memory foam mattress!"

[landman]

Just having a walk & saw this fat girl with a t-shirt on that said "I love hip hop"

To be honest I think the letters C & S had fallen off.

[Dangermouse]

One day in and already it looks like Paul McCartney's latest marriage is in trouble, as he finds out that compared to his last wife this one is spending twice as much on shoes 

[Bob U]

Roony letter to UEFA leaked

[Brian]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, sh*t mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f**king Coco Pops'
 
 

[Jules G]

For all of us who hate Man U

After a hard long think, United have had to come to terms with the fact they should not have rested Howard Webb for such an important game.

Last week Patrice Evra accused Luis Suarez of racism. This week he has accused the whole Manchester City team of rape.

Manchester City have just gained a large following in the Chinese province of Sichuan. (get it)

Man U fans will be 6 to their stomachs after that 1

After Man Utd's 6-1 defeat, fans have been spotted crying in the streets of Brighton, Dundee, Cardiff. . . .It's a long journey home to Surrey

What's the difference between a black cab and David De Gea?

A black cab only lets five in!

Man Utd fans crisis helpline:

0161 616 1616

Today was the first time Manchester U****d have lost at home for 18 months. It's also the first time that Alex Ferguson has been seen pointing to his watch and telling the fourth official "That's enough!".

[mister psycho]

Plagiarised from another forum.............

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does f@ck all...it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[termietermite]

[Jules G]

Q: What has two wings and a halo?

A: A Chinese telephone

[landman]

[Barry]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

[Barry]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy

[Jules G]

Old Parliamentary Committee Jokes Home

Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
"James Murdoch."
"James Murdoch who?"
"I really have no recollection of that."