The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[johnevans3]

Don't strike a match.

[johnevans3]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in
Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and
down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso,
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to
Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm gay, I love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I voted for Al Gore in '02 and Kerry in '04, Hillary for President in '08, George Strait Sucks, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.
 

[Pidgeon]

The new priest of the parish was hearing his first confessions. The first fellow came in confessing that he had spent illicit times with the local party girl naming Nookie Green. The priest gave absolution and then in came another fellow also confessing that he partied with Nookie Green. The priest was surprised........ Almost every man in town who confessed to him had a relation with Nookie Green.
On Suday as he was holding the service ... his first .... he heard a minor commotion behind him. He hesitated looking around but when he did he was taken aback. For there wakling down the aisle was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. But the way she was dressed was fantastic. She wore a wide brim summer hat in the greenest of green color one could imagine. She wore a tight fitting matching green dress, with green silk stockings and shiney green patent leather shoes. She came right down the aisle to the front row and took one of the seats. But she did not cross her legs as he might have expected. He glanced back again and again.  Finally he bent over to whisper to the altar boy ' Is that Nookie Green?'  The altar boy turned around took a long look and replied 'No Father, that's the reflection from her shoes'.

[Pidgeon]

The preacher was up on the pulpit giving his sermon. As he was, the doors opened wide and in walked.... in all her glory....... the local party girl. Man she was confident. She was as pretty as can be and all of the women in the church just looked hard at her and then at their husbands. The preacher became agitated because of her nerve to insult his church and his congregation by barging in the way she did.
He changed his sermon to siut the new situation that had just presented itself. He said to the congregation ' We all know the wages of sin .... we all all know that the unrepentant sinners will end up in eternal damnation ... we all know that we cannot flaunt ourselves in front of the Lord.  And now we have one amongst us who does not hesitate to flaunt herself here. We know who she is we know where she will spend eternity .......... but remember women there is always a chance for redemption ......... always remeber in his search to let sinners into the pearly gates he will help you.  Remember ....... Saint Fingers is pointing his Peter at you.

[Nordic]

The following are all replies that women have put on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms (names removed).

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10.So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.

[johnevans3]

You have to understand that folks in Texas have a whole different mindset that many people, even in the US, don't understand.  Here is an example.

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in
Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and
down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso,
Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to
Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm gay, I love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I voted for Al Gore in '02 and Kerry in '04, Hillary for President in '08, George Strait Sucks, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one who makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.   Lots a luck buddie.
 

[Andy Zarse]

John mate, it could be all the Sebring exitement and that, but I'm sure you posted that one several days ago!  

[johnevans3]

You are so right and that just shows that my concentration has gone down the toilet.  Sorry for the extra posting.  But let's try this one.

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HER

8:15  Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30  Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45  Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15  Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife--she has gained 30 lbs
1:00   Shopping with friends--unlimited credit
3:00   Nap
4:15   Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30   Pick out outfit for dinner; prim before mirror
7:30   Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00  Hot shower (alone)
10:30  Make love
11:00  Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15  Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HIM
6:00   Alarm
6:15   Bl*wjob
6:30   Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00   Breakfast:  filet mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30   Limo arrives
7:45   Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15   Private chopper to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30   Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45   Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Bl*wjob
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under)
2:15   Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30   Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15   Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30   Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00   Private jet home (massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy
Ireland)
6:45   Sh*t, shower and shave
7:00   Watch CNN newsflash:  Teddy Kennedy resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated)
7:30   Dinner:  lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 oz. New York Strip
Steak
9:00   Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30   Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50  12 second, 4 note fart--dog leaves room
11:55  Sleep

There, that ought to redeem myself.

[Nordic]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day

long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he
couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

 "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with

one of their patients and you won't be the last.  And you're
single.Just let it go.."
 
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,

whispering:


 "Dave, you're a vet.."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 NIP AND TUCK

After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic
surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory
because
her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like
a ripped out fireplace.

Time and child birth had taken it's toll and she reckoned that with  six
children now being the limit she'd tidy things up with a nip here and  a
tuck there, so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a
badly  packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from the anaesthetic to find three
roses
at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "they're very nice but I'm a
bit
confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse "The first is from the surgeon the operation went
so
well, and you were a model patient
that he wanted to say thanks."

"Aaahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such
a
success that he can't wait to get you home.   Apparently it'll be the
first
time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited."

"Brilliant!" said Lucy, "and the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse "He just wanted to
say
thanks for his new ears."

 
 


 

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming.
One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Robert says to Bobby.
"All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the dummy out of his arse"

[Mr. Invincible Mou]

[Russ]

A man walks into a shop...

Customer: "Worcester sauce flavour crisps please"

Shopkeeper: "Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare."

Customer: "Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?"

Shopkeeper: "Ah that's the same. Cancer scare"

Customer: "Hamburger Relish?"

Shopkeeper: "Cancer scare"

Customer: "Sausage and Mash?"

Shopkeeper: "Cancer scare"

Customer: "Cottage Pie?"

Shopkeeper: "Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare."

Customer: "So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?"

Shopkeeper: "Yes"

Customer: (sigh) "Just give me 20 Benson & Hedges then..."

Shopkeeper: "Certainly. £4.50 please."

[Bob U]

To take his mind of his trial Janet Jackson suggests to brother Michael that they have a quiet night in with a pizza and a video.

"That sounds nice" says Michael, "Can we get Alladdin"?

"No" said Janet "Just a pizza and a video"



Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

Acne dosn't come on your face until you are about 15

[stuey]

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's.  They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem.  Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.  Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.  Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:
 
Julie from Hawthorn: "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".
 
Susan from Kew added: "I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".
 
Hillary from South Yarra: "I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!"

[stuey]

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's.  They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem.  Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.  Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.  Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:
 
Julie from Hawthorn: "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".
 
Susan from Kew added: "I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".
 
Hillary from South Yarra: "I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!"