The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Brushy]

A bear a lion and a chicken are talking about who's the hardest.

The bear says " when l roar the whole forset shakes"

The lion says "when l roar the whole jungle Shakes"

The chicken says "all l have to do is cough and the whole world shits itself"

[Werner]

These are five rules for men to follow for a happy life:


1. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time and cleans up at home.


2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.


3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.


4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.


5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[johnevans3]

Ireland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure
enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We
have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you  back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden  change of
heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[BigH]

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,

"You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in
the Holy Land for £150. The man thought about it and told him he would just
have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to
ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here
and you would spend only £150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[jpchenet]

Was this Smokie trying to leave Le Mans in 2001 before the end of the race??? ()may have been seen beofre but it's still funny!!)

http://www.giantketchup.com/content/view/124/67/

[DelBoy]

Specifically for all those going somewhere next weekend (Don't mention the 'S' word [no, I'm not going either])....

Subject: Date Rape Drug


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties, local pubs and sports car endurance races to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf
 

[Ferrari Spider]

REMINDS ME OF:-

NEVER BEEN TO BED WITH AN UGLY WOMEN, BUT SURE AS HELL, WOKEN UP WITH A FEW;D

[johnevans3]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the
marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not
having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.
-
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or
were going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
-
Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she
planned to use.
Her answer was, the rhythm method.
That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.
-
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on
using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as
long as you don't forget to take them.
-
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her
answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again
told her that should also work.
-
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a
follow up on how things were going.
-
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant.
Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
-
Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what
went wrong.
She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes
mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
-
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the
birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
-
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were
going to use the pail and saucer method.
Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer
method is.
Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
-
She replied,
"Well we make love standing up,
and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail
turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as
big as saucers,
I kick the pail out from under him!!!
__________________________________________________

[johnevans3]

6 kinds of sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This occurs during the honeymoon
 period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

 The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
 marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, in the kitchen on the
 table, etc.

 The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
 perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

 The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which
 you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is called
 oral sex by some.

 There is a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This happens
 when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in
 the courtroom.

 The sixth kind of sex is Social Security Sex -- that's when you get a
 little once a month but it's not enough to live on.

[Brushy]

Whats the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?


The taste

[johnevans3]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
 

[jpchenet]

For all us nutters out there!!!

www.infocite.info/mark/MentalHealthHotline1.mp3

[Brushy]

For all fans of Ken

http://www.madblighty.co.uk/movies/london_underground.swf


Sorry if it offends

[Nobby Diesel]

How true!

[jpchenet]

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