Felix Baumgartner has just found the ball from Chris Waddle's penalty in World Cup 1990.

As he's now the greatest diver ever and performs superbly when there's no atmosphere, Liverpool have now made a £47 million bid for Felix Baumgartner!

Sadly, already one person has vowed he can beat Felix's dive tonight and his claims are being taken seriously by all at NASA.

"I can confirm that we have been contacted by a Mr L. Suarez of Liverpool, UK, who has said he can do better" said a startled NASA spokesman.

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois, bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray BakerBridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

As the BBC sex scandal worsens,

it now emerges that Basil Brush's catch phrase 'Bum Bum' was actually a cry for help !!........

Whats 8" long, slimy and you'd be horrified to find in your daughters bedroom?



Jimmy Savile's cigar

When I was a kid I always remember DLT putting a smile on my face when he treated us all to a new release

Jimmy Savile's family have had his gravestone removed along with any flowers as a mark of respect.
It just leaves a small hole with no bush.

It's what he would have wanted.

I was stopped in Boots the other day by an assistant who asked me what my favourite grooming products were.

I replied, "A packet of chocolate buttons and a half a bottle of vodka works for me."

What bounces and makes children in Somilia cry?





My cheque for Children in need.

Last night Tayside police discovered arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tonnes of heroin, £5m in forged bank notes and 25 Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a terraced house behind the Public library in Mid-Craigie Dundee . Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said 'we're all shocked, we never knew we had a library.

I found myself drowning in an ocean of orange soda yesterday.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

An old couple are sitting quietly in church.

He whispers to her,"I think I just did a silent but very smelly fart... what should I do?"



She replies... "turn up your hearing aid".

HMRC has returned a Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: 'Do you have anyone dependant on you?', the man wrote "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

His response back to HMRC was "who did I miss out?"