I'm delighted. After 18 months of looking, I've finally found myself a deaf sheepdog.

They're surprisingly hard to come by.

Not sure if this should be posted in this thread or the YouTube thread, however as its not car related and it's a funny I chose to post it here. Very def NSFW: -
http://youtu.be/6JXlF3SbnqE

What have a burnt piece of toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?

In both cases you wish you pulled it out a few seconds earlier.

Quote from: landman on November 06, 2013, 11:19:32 PM
What have a burnt piece of toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?

In both cases you wish you pulled it out a few seconds earlier.

Quoted so Paul can't escape the shame of living in 1995.  ;)

I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no oncoming traffic.
 
A car-load of bearded young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half- burned Union Jack flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray-painted on the side, stopped next to me.
 
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. 
 
Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
 
 
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell!  That could have been me !" 

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
 

Time to bump the joke thread...

Q: What is Nigella doing on her new Xmas show?








A: Cold turkey.

I opened the door slowly, and my gaze fell on a leather clad woman brandishing a whip.

That's the last time I buy an advent calendar in Lidl

A drunk bloke walks past a man repairing a car.
"What's up?" says the drunk.
"Piston broke", says the mechanic.
"Ha ha" answers the drunk, "Me too!"

Missing wife ..

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height ?

Husband:-I never checked.

Inspector :-Slim or healthy ?.

Husband:-Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector :-Color of eyes ?

Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Color of hair ?

Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?

Husband :Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :-Was she driving?

Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-tell me the number,name & color of the car ? . .. . . .

Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.....and then the husband started crying...

-
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

A: I wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on my face.

Quote from: Jules G on August 15, 2014, 01:14:50 PM
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

A: I wouldn't pay £100 to have a lentil on my face.

reminds me of this -

Whats the difference between Jam and Marmalade?

You cant Marmalade your c**k in a girls a**e............

The Environment Agency are about to issue a hosepipe ban as 63,000,000 gallons of water have been wasted by people doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.

 Michael J Fox selfie:

speed hump