The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[rcutler]

One for the Liverpool Boys!

A Scouse Christmas Carol (To the tune of Mistletoe and Wine)

Christmas time, drunkenness and crime,
Children playing - in filth and grime,
With cars on fire - and trainees under tree
Time to rejoice - in be-ing scally,

It's a time for stealing, a time for receiving,
Knock-off gear - worra great feelin
Why pay top dollar - yer can nick it for free,
Just like our lecky, - gas and TV

Christmas time, pissups all the time
Nicking ciggies, - spirits and wine
Wearing-shell-suits and Nykees - all knocked off gear
It's great getting pissed - on someone else's beer

Its a time for drinkin - six packs of Stella
Dat yer got - from some dodgy Fella
Christmas is sound - Christmas is best
God bless our Cilla - and the DHSS

Christmas time - time to joy-ride
Then go and visit - family inside
With Dad on a six stretch - and sis up the duff
This 'City of Culcher' can get pretty rough

So next time your driving - through Liverpool-city
You may just know why - the streets look so sh!tty
So keep a sharp eye out - for those dodgy deals
But don't drive too slow - or they'll pinch all four wheels

[neilsie]

Police today admitted that George Best was not buried in Belfast last week and, in retrospect, the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday was a mistake.

[Werner]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Northern Colorado. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to get 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife moves her car to the even numbered side of the street.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife moves her car again, this time to the odd numbered side of the street.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says......We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park your car......................"......THEN all of the electric power goes out !!!

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband................."Honey, I don't know what to do..... Which side of the street do I need to park the car on so the snow plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men exhibit.... who
are married to Blondes Norman says..................


"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[tink]

george best was on his death bed, when the doctor came in and said 'i've got some good news and some bad news. what do you want to hear first?'

so george replies 'may as well give me the bad news first'

the doctor regretably informs him 'you only have an hour to live'

distraught, george asks what the good news could possibly be. the doctor tells him 'its happy hour'

[Bob U]

A 60-year old man,  a 70-year old man and an 80-year old man were talking about their age related woes.

"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the sixty year old, "Yoy always feel like you have to pee but you stand there and nothing comes out"

"Ah, thats nothing" said the seventy year old "When you're seventy you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet for hours and nothing comes out"

"Actually" said the eighty year old "Eighty is the worst age of all"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" said the 60 year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00, I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all"

"So, do have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No I have one every morning at 6:30"

Exasperated the 60 year old said "You pee every morning at 6:00 and you take a crap at 6:30, so whats so bad about being 80?"


"I don't wake up until 7:00"

[Steve Pyro]

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

"Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land.
But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

[Steve Pyro]

Animals : Smart dogs

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

[johnevans3]

Jack wakes up at home with a hangover he can't believe.  He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.   He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping
--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the Morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and  got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies,
"Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"


Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time .........Priceless!

[Steve Pyro]

Have we had this one before ? 


An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"  The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. 

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

[neilsie]

http://tinyurl.com/3g2d

[Werner]

Separate Bedrooms

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They kiss as he looks deep into her eyes and they make music as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more love making.

When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

Moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old. Alzheimer's has its advantages...

[Doris]

Been doing some 'spring cleaning' and found this in a pile of papers.  Hope it's not been on already...


Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days.
Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.  He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.  "Look Michael.  Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God,  "and I've put life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" enquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.  Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah." said God.  "That's Britain.  The most glorious place on Earth.  There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills.  The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world.  They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?  You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w***ers I'm putting next to them in France."

[johnevans3]

Nymphomaniacs of America
   
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he Glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"  She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago "
   
  He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
   
  Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my  personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."  "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
   
  "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
   
  Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best.  I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is  the Southern Redneck."
   
  Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
   
  "Tonto," the man blurted out, "Tonto  Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!

[Doris]

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me!  I'd love to be able to do that!  It seems a sort of thing a man should do.  Oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.  It'd be so great!  When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals I could just stand there and let it fly.  It'd be cool, I could write my name in the sand.  Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam wanted that so badly, that he should have it.  It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position.

He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left here?

Oh yes, Multilple orgasms...."

[Steve Pyro]

1981--2005

YEAR 1981

1.  Prince Charles got married.
2.  Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3.  Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4.  Pope died.

  YEAR 2005

  1.  Prince Charles got married.
  2.  Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
  3.  Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
  4.  Pope died.


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope