The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[johnevans3]

       Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews
   had to convert, or leave Italy.  There was a huge outcry
   from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
   He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
   Jewish community.  If the Jews won, they could stay in
   Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

   The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise,
   Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate.  However,
   Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish,
   so they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

   On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat
   opposite each other a full minute before the Pope raised
   his hand.  He showed 3 fingers.

   Rabbi Moishe looked back.  He raised 1 finger.

   Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

   Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

   The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice
   of wine.

   Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

   With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten.
   Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay.

   Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had
   happened.

   The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent
   the Trinity.  He responded by holding up one finger to
   remind me that there is still but one God common to both
   our beliefs.  Then, I waved my finger to show him that
   God was all around us.  He responded by pointing to the
   ground to show that God was also right here with us.  I
   pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us
   of all our sins.  He pulled out an apple to remind me of the
   original sin.  He had me beaten, and I could not continue."

   Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around
   Rabbi Moishe.  "How did you win the debate?", they asked.

   "I haven't a clue," said Moishe.  "First, he tells me that we
   had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
   Then, he tells me that the whole country would be cleared
   of Jews, and I said to him, 'We're staying right here'."

   "Then, what happened?", asked a woman.

   "Who knows?", said Moishe.  "He took out his lunch, so
   I took out mine."

[johnevans3]

How to recognize a millionaire

http://www.geocities.com/dali_sherpas/millionairre.jpg

[Steve Pyro]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

......... . . . . . . . . . .. . . .




..... "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian

[Steve Pyro]

Look at the tits on this ..... 

http://www.bollox.net/img.php?id=226

[Nobby Diesel]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[jpchenet]

Why is it called PMS? 
 
Somebody had already used Mad Cow Disease!

[Steve Pyro]

This is true ..... and ironic?

The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons is also known as BAAPS.
One of their most popular surgical procedures is breast enlargement.

http://www.baaps.org.uk/

[rcutler]

Say's it all!!!

[jpchenet]

This one came from Pidge but he doesn't post them up here much any more:



President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington,  D.C. as part of his campaign to win back American voters. Bush's press secretary made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's response to the hurricane and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $1,000,000 if, during your sermon, you'd say President Bush is a saint."

The Bishop was initially reluctant but thought it over for a few moments and finally said,  "The Church is in desperate need of funds. I will agree to do it."

Bush pompously showed up on the next Sunday looking especially smug,
and as the service progressed the Bishop began his homily: "George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a  low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known.

But compared to Dick Cheney and some members of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."

[Bob U]

What it means to be British....... One of the national daily papers is asking for comments about "What it means to be British"

Here is a comment from a guy in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.

"Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgium beer, then traveling home, gabbing an Indian curry or Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese TV."

And the most British thing of all? ......... Suspicion of anything foreign.

[smokie]

I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am the victim of the latest scam at the Ilford Exchange shopping centre car Park.

This happened to me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two good looking woman come to your car as you are leaving the centre while you are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat. One starts by wiping your windscreen with a rag while the other comes to your window saying "Hi", while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No", and beg you for a ride to Romford. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

[Bob U]

Las month, a world-wide study was conducted by The United Nations. The only question was........... "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortages in the world"
The survey was a huge failure because.........

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

In The Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world meant"

[Nordic]

Man goes to see the Doctor

"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"

"What makes you think that sir"

 
"Well.... I've started wearing make up, talking boll*cks and can't park the car.

[johnevans3]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.  He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings".

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings".

The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bellingerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now.  That was a barbitchyouate."   

[johnevans3]

Since the racing season is about to start up, I know there is alot of studying going on.