The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[JHarber]

About my best

[jpchenet]

Might have seen this on here befor but it's still funy!!!!!

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/need-glasses-p1.php

[jpchenet]

Half way to fighter pilot school!!!

[johnevans3]

Good job Mark, looks like you may have the record so far.  I would bet that Linda could take you though!!

[nopanic - neil]

Not funny, but it was found on a lead from jpchenet above.

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/lemans-p1.php

Its not a Merc is it?

[nopanic - neil]

For all people who can not do what their told,

     DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON !

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/red-button-p1.php

[Andy]

THE BALLOON

     A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues.
     "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something"  He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.
     Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

 Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.  A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,  out it comes.

 When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.  Diarrhoea everywhere!  She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!  She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
 When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down  on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
     
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!  The balloon explodes and diarrhoea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

         He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

   


 You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!     

[Bob U]

A guy is driving through Tennessee when he sees a sign in front of a house,

"TALKING DOG FOR SALE"

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retreiver sittting there.

"You talk?" he says.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

"So whats your story"

The Lab looks up and says "Well, I discovered I could talk at a young age. I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no-one would think that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years running, but the jetting around tired me out  so I decided to settle down.
I signed up at the airport to do some undercover security wandering close to suspicious charectures listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarde a batch of medals. I got married, had a couple of litters of puppies and now I've just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the owner says.

"Ten dollars?    This dog is amazing!   Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar, he never did any of that sh**t"

[Lawnmower Man]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of the first day.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, called out next. "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, so gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next. "In Germany, ve invented das beer, verdamt. Giff
me ein Becks - ja das ist der real Konig of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, took his turn. "Barman, would ya give me a
Diet Coke with ice and lemon? Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a  Guinness, Paddy?"

Paddy's response? ... "Well if you feckin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!

[JHarber]

Its getting boring now but wanted to beat jpchenet

[nopanic - neil]

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Merrill Lynch

office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close

to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls

the police.  Five minutes later, the police arrive.

Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts

screaming hysterically:

"My Porsche, my beautiful midnight blue Porsche is ruined. 

No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"   

After the man finally finishes his ranting, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 

"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. 

"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn

off when the truck hit you."

 The Londoner looks down in horror ."BLOODY HELL !" he screams, 

"Where's my Rolex??"
 
 

[Bob U]

Fowler back at Anfield

Exclusive first picture

[LangTall]

Why men snore.....

[Doris]

In the hospital where their family member lay gravely ill relatives gathered in the waiting room.


Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.  "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a  brain transplant.  It's an experimental procedure.  Very risky, but it is the only hope.  Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to  pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.

The moment turned awkward.  The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[Steve Pyro]

Study -