The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Andy Zarse]

A funny confectionary story...

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.

He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down her Bourneville via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a yelp of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts

[Jules G]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap .... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies.........'

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
 

[Jules G]

[Robspot]

After her success in the UK Junior Hide and Seek Championships, Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on the current European Champion Madeleine McCann

[nickliv]

Rumour has it that McCartney decided to divorce Heather Mills when he realised that the best he could hope for was a solitary leg over.

[termietermite]

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on
gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years
before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women
customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women
still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's
vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even
further back behind their husbands and are happy to
maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and
asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom
that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and
without hesitation, said, 'Land Mines.'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

Rumour has it that McCartney decided to divorce Heather Mills when he realised that the best he could hope for was a solitary leg over.

Have heard that she is buying a new plane with the divorce money.

But she will still use Imac on the other leg.

[nickliv]

He's going to have to search high and low to find a woman to fill her shoe.

[jpchenet]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, Dad, what's love - juice?
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about $ex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, So what were you watching?
Billy says; Wimbledon .

[Bob U]

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[jpchenet]

There's a new Barbie on the market.

 

It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm - It's called Zimbarbie.

 

She has a pet cow – Mooogarbie.......

 

[LangTall]

You also know the most expensive barbie ever?

It's called divorce barbie. It's so expensive because it comes with Kens car, Kens boat, Kens house....

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

Five surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first, from Manchester, said :

'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered'

The second, from Birmingham, responded :

'Yeah, but you should try electricians - everything is colour coded.'


The third surgeon, from Edinburgh said :

'No, I really think librarians are the best - everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from  Belfast , chimed in :

'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts leftover.'

But the fifth surgeon, from London , shut them all up when he observed :

'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the mouth and the arsehole are interchangeable.'

 

[Doris]

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[Doris]

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