The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Jules G]

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6  tablets, cut in quarters?"

" I can cut them for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet  will not give you a full erection. "
" I am 96 " said the old man . " I don't want an erection . I just  want it sticking out far enough so I don't pi$$ on my slippers. "

 

[Jules G]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

 

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

 

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied.  "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

 

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Black Pepper."

[Jules G]

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides from the plane to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are then driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six spirited white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.  The smell is atrocious!  Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.  The fart shakes the coach but the two heads of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things which even a queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be presidential, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[Jules G]

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!'

Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!' Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on der first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda!--- It's a dang good ting I didn't get the  WD-40.

 

[DelBoy]

THE WONDERS OF MODERN MEDICINE

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so
advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put
it in another, and have him looking for work in six
weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we
can take a lung out of one person, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so
advanced, we can take half a heart from one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for work
in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We
can take an arsehole out of Scotland , put him in 10
Downing Street and have half the country looking for
work within twenty-four hours

[Mikemg]

 received a letter from my grandmother last week. She is eighty-eight years
old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Gavin,

The other day I went up to our local Christian  bookstore and saw a "honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by
thunderous prayer meeting. So I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did. What an uplifting experience that followed. I was
stopped at a red light at a busy junction, just lost in thought about the
Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It
is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd
never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God!
Go!  Go! Go! Jesus Christ Go!"
What an exuberant Cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and I started waving and smiling at all those
loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Margate back there because I heard him
yelling something about a "sunny beach".

I saw another guy waving in a funny way.. with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. I asked your cousin George in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Zulu good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Zululand, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back. George burst out laughing... why, even he
was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so
caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and
started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I
attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at
all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the junction.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the junction before the light
changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them. After all the
love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave
them all the Zulu good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonders.

Love,  Grandma

[Leftie]

A Client, being a Quantity Surveyor, was trying to find funding for a project, he called in his Engineer to assist with the calculations.  When completed, they approached the Bank Manager.

For this occasion they all chose to hire a boat and travel to the middle of the harbour to discuss the matter in secrecy.

When an initial agreement of base rate plus 2% was made, the Bank Manager got up and said he was going to get some drinks, stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to the bar. Purchased the drinks and walked back to the boat.

The Quantity Surveyor was in awe  over this.

On completion of the business the Engineer went to get the drinks, he stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to return with the drinks.  Again the Quantity Surveyor was in awe of this action.

When the signatures were placed on the agreement, the Quantity Surveyor promptly stood up and stated it was his round.  He stepped out of the boat only to  sink to the bottom.

The Bank Manager said to the Engineer, “don’t you think we should have told him about  the stepping stones”?

The Engineer replied.. “ What stepping stones”?

[Steve Pyro]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

[Bob U]

Funny   taken off Beermountain, but what the hell, share and share alike.




http://www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv

[Leftie]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

Brilliant Steve,

Was she by any chance from Essex?

[Steve Pyro]

Brilliant Steve,

Was she by any chance from Essex?

Oi.  I live near Colchester (which is in Essex!)

[Robspot]

Brilliant Steve,

Was she by any chance from Essex?

Oi.  I live near Colchester (which is in Essex!)

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!

[Steve Pyro]

Another name on the list 

[Andy Zarse]

Funny   taken off Beermountain, but what the hell, share and share alike.




http://www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv

Thank you for posting Bob. Probably the funniest thing I've seen on all 104 pages of this thread.

[Jules G]

For all you Star Wars fans out their......................................oh and lovers of organic food

http://www.terre.tv/indexvod.php?case=1&ref=00151