The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is
 very  sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week
 after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his
'tool'  covered with bright green and purple freckles.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in
two  days. The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says 'I've got
bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little
perplexed and says 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up  doc'.
The doctor answers 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your 'tool'. The man screams in horror
 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'. The doctor replies 'Well,
 it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice'.
The  next  day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more
about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims 'Ah  yes,
Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'.
The guy says to the doctor 'Yeah yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs 'Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
'Oh Thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes' says the Chinese doctor 'You no  worry!
Wait  two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money'

[Steve Pyro]

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in.
 
One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
 
The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
 
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'
 
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
 
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'
 
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
 
Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison -- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizens home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit,smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments
on his long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks
'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?' 'SEX!!' he replies.
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart,you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says,'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'
'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred,who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident,
Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled,'You two-timing creep! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?!'
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
'Parkinson's'.

[Papa Eric]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and a Scotsman from Glasgow were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.The Scotsman fumed, 'What's we' those jerks?  We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, Sir!   Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea.  I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honour of these brave souls'!!

The Scotsman said, 'Why can't they f*ckin' play at night?'

[Jules G]

Molly the camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in  a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert .   During his first  inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess  tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.  The  nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on  the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men  have 'urges'.   That's why we have Molly The  Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I  understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay .'

About a month  later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.  Crazy with  passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his  tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the  ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane se x with the  camel.  When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the  men do it?'

'No not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel  into town where the girls are.'

[nopanic - neil]

just one of those days.......



To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, sweetheart.

XXX -

Your loving wife.

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

[Jules G]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.  Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?'

The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.

'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.

'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?'

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London '.
     
'Brilliant, Paddy' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.

[Jules G]

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle;D
 

[nopanic - neil]

A funny beer advert from Brazil

http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

Let the site open, your see the flash lady complete

In the
1st box put your name
2nd box - a girls name

(or if your vain put your name in both boxes - )

skip the other boxes

and then press - Visualizar !

And watch the show . -

[smokie]

Must be good - the T Mobile Content Lock prevents me opening it!

[Jules G]

Abu Hamza novelty key holder.......

[Jules G]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through
Europe in  their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of
the car and hisses through the windshield.
 
'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'
 
'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,'
says Sister Helen.
 
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings
on and continues hissing at the nuns.
 
'What shall I do now?' she shouts.
 
'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the   Vatican,' says Sister Helen.
 
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the   nuns.
 
'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.
 
'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.
 
'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.
 
She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the f**k off the car'

[Papa Eric]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.  There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.   

I honestly answered,  'No. this is my first time'. 
 
She unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.  I apparently still looked confused.  So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.  It was .  'Just a minute,' she said and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.  She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my  head.  She then said, it was time to slip the condom on.  As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.  'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown.   'Did you put that condom on OK?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

[Lawnmower Man]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.  There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.   

Nice one Eric.

I thought it was going to like my first time. 

After summoning up the courage to ask for a packet of condoms the Lady behind the counter said. 

"Sorry we don't sell them.  Have you tried Boots?"

I replied "Look lady I want to F**k her brains out not Kick her to death.

t.

[Brian(Liverpool boys)]

Paddy Murphy died and was sent on his way to Heaven.
Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry Paddy' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls
and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of
Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's alright' said Paddy. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked Paddy.
'The first' said St Peter, ' Is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?
The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?
Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall
expect you to have those answers for me.'
So Paddy went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you
to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon Paddy and asked if he had considered the questions,
to which Paddy replied, 'I have.'
'Well then, 'said St Peter, 'Which tw o days of the week start with the letter T?'
Paddy said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed ………
'Well then Paddy, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?
' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
Paddy replied, 'Just 12!'
'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure Paddy?'
'Easy' said Paddy, 'there's the second of January, the second of February right through to the
second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at Paddy and said, 'I need sometime to consider your answer before I can give
you a decision.'
And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later St Peter returned to Paddy.
'I'll allow the answer to stand Paddy, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now Paddy, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
Paddy replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer, Paddy?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy' said Paddy.
This totally floored S t Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Paddy, asked 'Paddy, how in
God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said Paddy 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'
And so Paddy entered Heaven...