The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[smokie]

LMAO v good steve

[Abs]

Sorry Brian (and other Liverpool lads) but it was sent to me from some one from Liverpool...

Ferrari Formula 1 team fire entire pit crew,

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's "work for the dole" scheme and employ scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session, not only were the scousers pit crew able to change the
tyres in under six seconds but within twelve seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the Maclaren team for four can's of Special Brew, a gram of speed and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower...........

[Liszt]

Possible the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Worker's Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had the guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure!!

 

Dear Sir,

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.

I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the Accident Report form that I weigh135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the Accident Report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of beginning to

experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope, and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

 

I hope this answers your enquiry.

 

Kind regards

 

 

Mike Pashby

This is older than I am.  Think there was even a song with the immortal lines "and I met the barrel coming down"

[pretzel]

Sorry Brian (and other Liverpool lads) but it was sent to me from some one from Liverpool...

Ferrari Formula 1 team fire entire pit crew,

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's "work for the dole" scheme and employ scousers.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari management, as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
practice session, not only were the scousers pit crew able to change the
tyres in under six seconds but within twelve seconds they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the Maclaren team for four can's of Special Brew, a gram of speed and a quick shufty at Coulthard's bird in the shower...........

Aha - this one's doing the rounds again then.

Posted back last July -  http://www.clubarnage.com/yabbse/index.php?board=1;action=display;threadid=848

Still, the better ones are always worth repeating  

[smokie]

For your other halves

Marriage part 1

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

 "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't
expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table  unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,   boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

 His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
  will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
  not."

> > > >>   > >   Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads,  'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads,   "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"


Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at
the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good
in bed either," and  storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to
make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings,
and the irritated husband  says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite
of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,  "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[Robbo SPS]

A little story about my Ex

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We
lost track  of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a  little of that magic.

 " Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I
said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a
few
inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying
she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she  said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung  up!

[Matt Harper]

So, this futures broker gets sick of the rat race and fucks off to the Highlands of Scotland and buys a remote crofters smallholding and relaxes in solitude.
One afternoon, there's a knock at the door and on answering it, the city slicker beholds a six foot eight inch Jock, bright ginger beard, sporran, the works.
"I thought I'd better introduce myself - my name's McTavish and I'd like to invite you to a party I'm hosting tonight" booms the giant of a man.
The yuppie's feeling a bit lonesome, so he says, "Yeah, that would be great".
"Aye, but I have to warn you, there'll be a fair bit o' drinking going on" says McTavish.
"That's OK" says the broker, "I like a drop of malt".
"Aye and there'll be a good deal o' fighting going on", warns McTavish.
"Well, I'm not a violent man", says the broker, "But I can look after myself, in a pinch".
"Aye and there'll be a hell of a lot o' shagging going on", whispers the giant McTavish.
The yuppie thinks "Great, I haven't had my end away for months" and exclaims, "Sounds good to me - how many people will be there?"
So, McTavish leans down into his face and says, "Just the two of us, laddie, just the two of us".
 

[jpchenet]

Nice one Matt!!!!  Now, where's the phone number of the Scottish guy I used to work with!  

[Matt Harper]

Hey! we've started now! What? You want another one?

These two guys were stood at an airline check-in desk, at which was seated a particularly gorgeous check-in clerk, with knockers that looked like a dead heat in a Zeppelin race.
A little distracted, one of them says, "Err, two pickets to Tittsburg please".
Terribly embarrased, he turns to his mate and says, "That came out wrong - that's called a spoonerism, you know - when you think something, but it comes out all wrong".
"Really", says the other dude, "I had one of them this morning, at breakfast - what I meant to say was "Would you please pass the toast dear", but what came out was, "You've ruined my life, you fat, ugly bitch"".

[Ruptured Duck Motorsport]

n Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all trapped on the roof of a burning building.
The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto. They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad, The Scotsman goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away and He splats on the pavement, dead.
Still giggling, the firemen shout to the Englishman to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavemant, high fives all around from the firemen.
Last to go is the Irishman. But he's not having any of it....
"You'll move the blanket" he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply.
"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts the Irishman.
"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies.
"But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move at least ten yards away from it..."

[Abs]

Bit of a slow news day...

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

A tube of K-Y jelly
A rubber glove
And a mug of beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled...

Nurse! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!

[Nordic]

Microsoft vs. General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?", before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[gibberish]

LOL, nice one Nordic  

[Abs]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.


 The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5  persons."


"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
"Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."


The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over.  I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
 "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

[gab]

...and now a few for the old timers amongst us (I being one of the above mentioned),

    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
    car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
    situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
    wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
    The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
    A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
    "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
    ____________________________________________

    Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
    the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
    yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
    The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
    starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
    The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
    to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
    that forgetful, knock on wood."
    She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
    who's at the door."
    ____________________________________________

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
    fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
    "No," the second man replied, "it's
    Thursday."
    And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
     ____________________________________________

    A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
    home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
    "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
    Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
    two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
    ____________________________________________

    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
    asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
    said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
    Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
    back to sleep.
    A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "
    Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
    settled down to sleep.
    Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
    Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
    "Where are you going?" she asked.
    "To get my teeth!"
    ____________________________________________

    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
    She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
    guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
    An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
    Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
    ____________________________________________

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
    they had shared all kinds of activities and
    adventures.
    Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
    week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked
    at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been
    friends for a long time ..but I just can't think of your name! I've
    thought and thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what
    your name is."
    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
    and glared at her.  Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
    ____________________________________________

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely
    see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
    intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
    it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
    After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
    light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
    passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
    really concerned that she was losing i t. She was getting nervous. At
    the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
    through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
    know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
    have killed us both!"
    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"