The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[DickieAttwood]

From 'The Two Ronnies' last week

'The man who has been terrorising nudist colonies with a bacon slicer has still not been caught.  A policeman has had a tip-off but he's okay now and will be back at work soon'

[Steve Pyro]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:
One day, I decided to wash my car.
As I started toward the garage, I noticed that there was mail on the hall table.
I decided to sort through the mail before I washed the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and noticed that the trash can was full.

So, I decided to put the bills back on the table and took out the trash first.
But then I thought, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

So, I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find a half-full can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decided that I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I headed toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discovered my reading glasses that I had been searching for all morning.
I decided that I had better put them back on my desk, but first I was going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, filled a container with water and suddenly I spotted the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realized that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decided to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splashed some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, got some towels and wiped up the spill.
Then I headed down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do in the first place.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my
chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

Don't laugh . . . . . . If this hasn't happened to you yet, your day IS coming!

[Steve Pyro]

MS Word Assistant

[rcutler]

And another

[jpchenet]

And another!!

[Nordic]

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[garystout]

I didnt know that!!!!

[DelBoy]

Why the dinosaus really died out.

http://www.infocite.info/mark/jurassicfart.wmv

DB

[johnevans3]

Speaking of animals.....

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of which loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer
for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.   Arriving at the farm, he searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the
only tractor.

   Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.   Finding the
keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life.

   Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the
chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.



A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would
then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his
life.

The moral of the story? (Yep, there's a moral!)






"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[Pidgeon]

There is no difference between Moby Dick and a waterfront "lady of the evening"
............  They both swallow seaman.

[smokie]

ASTROLOGY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is further away.......... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helllloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......??

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"?? He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor".? She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ?

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ?

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ?

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"?

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellllloooooo," answered the blond.? "They're watch dogs."

[Andy Zarse]

On the same theme...

[Werner]

Keyboard for men

[Robspot]

Sorry Stu  

[Steve Pyro]

Usefull hints and tips -

1.   If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2.   A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

3.   Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4.   Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5.   Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.

6.   Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7.   Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

8.   Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

9.   X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p***ing in the sink.

20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

22. Spice up your love life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x '. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.