The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Andy Zarse]

A man is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says,
"Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful:

Christ! he says "Are you that strip-a-gram on my stag night that I screwed
on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your pal whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"

No she replies coldly,"I'm your son's English Teacher"...
 

[neilsie]

instructor in muslim-terrorist camp:
"Okay everybody, I'm going to demonstrate how you can blow yourself up using no more then common household chemicals and a simple detonating device! Watch carefully, I'm only going to demonstrate this once!"

[neilsie]

 Too women were talking, one said "My daughter's marrying an irishman"
"Oh, really"
"No, O'Riley"

[garystout]

Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen

[garystout]

Because they sell more tickets

[Rhino]

A woman goes to the doctors feeling unwell, so they do some tests. The doctor then tells her to come back in a week for the results.
A week later her husband goes to the doctors to pick up the results. The doctor says "I'm sorry your wifes results have been mixed up with another lady. She either has a dodgy heart or has Aids"
"What should i do." asks the husband.
"Well you can send her on a 10 mile run and if she comes back don't shag her." The Doctor replied.

[Rhino]

John is walking along the beach feeling depressed after going through a messy divorce when he comes across an old sealed bottle, which he opens and a Genie appears.
"I have been in that bottle for a thousand years. As a thankyou i grant you three wishes on condition your wife will get the same but much bigger." says the Genie.
John thinks for a minute and says. " I wish for 100 million pounds"
He instantly becomes rich. But his wife becomes a billionaire.
"I wish to be relly attractive to the opposite sex."
He instantly becomes very handsome. His wife becomes the most stunning women seen by man.
"For my last wish i wish for a mild heart attack"

[Andy Zarse]

Here's a good waste of ten minutes:

http://www.filecabi.net/v/file/bra-size/swf

[Nordic]

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "P*ss off".

They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought........f*ck, I could win this...........

[Nordic]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and
350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay
man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally
plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all
the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car
park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you
react like that" he says.
"Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.
"Something about a job."

 
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Two Scousers, are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls
but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but
is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the
scousers he has to leave. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can
manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them,
so he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC
Shitty Manc of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good
officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm
"Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take
a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already
hatched and the ****ers have managed to nick a motorbike already"

[neilsie]

Birmingham Tornado Appeal
A Tornado Hit Birmingham on Wednesday causing widespread damage,
Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying 'bang out of order',
'mental' and 'that did my head in'. The Tornado decimated the area
causing in excess of £7.55 worth of damage. Several priceless
collections of mementoes from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond
repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were
destroyed. Many locals were woken before their Giro's arrived.
One resident, Tracey Sharon Smith a 15 year old mother of four said 'It
was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Leigh came running into my bedroom
crying and my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin up
whilst I was watching Trisha'.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found numerous 'Elizabeth Duke'
sovereigns, benefit books, bone china from Poundstretcher and Argos
catalogues. However they have not managed to save any furniture from
Crazy George's as yet.
How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for
those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is
most sought after. Urgently needed are LaCoste tracksuits (his and hers
preferably), white socks, Burberry caps, woolly Benny hats and Reebok
trainers. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain's
Micro-chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch and Iceland Pizzas. Alcohol is
also in short supply, especially White lightening Cider and Carlsberg
Special Brew.
Cash Donations are also needed. 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing on,
2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner, 3.00 buys a blag CD (not an original
copy), 20 buys a fake M.O.T (or 10 gallons of red diesel to burn the
vehicle out) and 26.00 buys 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back
from Kavos.
 

[Andy Zarse]

President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Blair sitting over there?"

The barman  says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour!  What are you guys doing in here?"

Blair says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to drop some H bombs and kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Blair and says, "See, I told you no one cares about the 140 million Muslims..."

[Neil]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North London and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
that she is a Spurs fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Spurs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

" Because I'm not a Spurs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then who are you a fan of?"
 
 "I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is an Arsenal fan and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be an Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

[Neil]

Women = problems, you do the maths.

[chrisbeatty]

Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching
the six o'clock news.
The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton
Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.
Posh turns to Becks and says:
"David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!"
To which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he
doesn't."
So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a
loud thud.
Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to
Posh.
But she refuses.
"I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I
was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going
to jump."
"No, babe, fair's fair" says David.
"That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as
you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he
would do it again."

**

The Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday,
just before the game, when Zidane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing
unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."

**

David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting
in the Kitchen department of a large department store. "What's
that?" he asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold
things cold.
Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his
next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says
proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
"And what have you got in it?" ask the lads.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David.

**

Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed.
The mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in
the world, decides to play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says. "Just
blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place".
So she takes the car home and tries it.
David spots her from the house and shouts
"You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!"

**

David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts
happily.
Posh asks him why he is celebrating.
He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks Posh.
"You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."

**

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country
road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the cow was killed.
Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to
the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car
with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in
one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his
wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad
passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I
just killed the cow."