The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Fran]

  - oops... I mean, 

[Andy Zarse]

Old version of the joke -

Q. What's got three legs and lives in a castle?
A. The McCartneys.

New version of the joke -

Q. What's got one leg and lives in a castle which once belonged to an ex-Beatle?...

[Rob]

A bricklayer's accident report
 
This is a bricklayer's accident actual (verbatim) report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This apparently is a true story.

Dear Sir
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down on to me, this explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

[Doris]

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. 

He says to a mate, "I'm f*cked.  Who will want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate says, "Try Paul McCartney."

[johnevans3]

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian


"Well just relax and let it happen"


And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...
ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting on the bed"

 
   
 

[smokie]

LMAO at the above four...i LOVE this thread... 

[amazing 1]

Agreed,my mates at work enjoyed them as well.

[Jules G]

Morning all, thought I would kick off my first post with......:

This was apparently in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."
>
> In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
>
> Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
>
> The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
>
> Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
>
> In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
>
> "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping away at this pumpkin."
>
> Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?".
>
> He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F*** me, is it midnight already?"

By for now

Jules G

[Andy Zarse]

[termietermite]

A guy died and went to hell.  After a few months of over 100 degree temperatures, he got really sick of it and asked the devil if there was any way he could leave.
The devil said the only way he could get out would be to f**k the ugliest woman in the place.  He was so fed up that he thought, so what, anything to escape.
So along came the most hideous old crone he had ever seen.  She had never had a bath, weighed 30 stone and had 8" long fingernails.
Mid shag, while trying to take his mind off the worst time of his life, he glanced across and saw Jeremy Clarkson, screwing one of the most stunning women he had ever seen in his life.
When the deed was done, while recovering from the worst experience he could remember, he said to the devil, as he got in the lift to go upwards, "How come I had to screw that old boiler when Jeremy Clarkson got a supermodel?"
The devil replied, "Some of the women want to get out as well."

[Dangermouse]

Paul McCartney has offered Lady M-M £50m as a divorce settlement...she wants £200m and is digging her heel in!

Whatever the outcome tho', you have to say when she married him she fell on her foot!

(First post..............I'll get me coat) 

[termietermite]

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with her long dead price, she now sits happily in her rocking chair, with only her faithful old cat Bob for company.  One sunny morning, her Fairy Godmother appears out of nowhere. "Fairly Godmother," says Cinderella, "where have you come from after all these years?"
Fairy Godmother replies, "You have led an exemplary life, is there still anything your heart yearns for?"
Cinderella was overwhelmed and after thinking for sometime, came up with her first wish.  "The prince was a wonderful man but hopeless with money.  I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair turned to solid gold. "Oh thank you fairy godmother."
"That's the least I could do.  You have two more wishes.  What would you like for your second?"
"I'd like to be as young and beautiful as I once was."
At once, her wish was granted, and she became as beautiful as she had been forty years before.  She began to feel the return of feelings she had not known for years.
The fairy godmother then said, "You have one more wish, what will it be?"
Cinderella looked over at her cat, Bob, who was cowering in the corner. "I'd like Bob to be transformed into a kind, handsome young man."
Bob instantly transformed into the most beautiful man the world had ever seen, and with that the fairy godmother vanished in a flash of blue lights, never to be seen again.
Then Bob walked across the room to Cinderella and held her close in his young muscular arms.  He whispered gently in her ear: "Bet your sorry you had me neutered."

[DelBoy]

Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasi Modo were chatting over a drink one day.

Cinderella says that she is the most beautiful woman in the world.  Tom and Quasi nod their respective heads, saying 'Maybe...maybe'.  Tom then says that he is the smallest man in the world.  The others nod and mumble  'Maybe...maybe'.  Quasi Modo then states that he the ugliest person in the world.  The others nod etc etc..  Then Tom Thumb says, 'Hey, let's ask the Guiness book of records - that should prove us right or wrong.'

So they each contact the Guiness Book of Records and meet up a few days later.  'See' says Cinderella, 'they confirm that I am the most beautiful person in the world.' 

'And me', says Tom Thumb, 'they confirm that I am the smallest person in the world.'

They both look at Qasi Modo whos has remained silent.  He then says 'Huh, who the hell is this Camilla Parker-Bowles anyway'.

[Doris]

A poem by Sir Paul McCartney

We lay upon the grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I undid her suspender belt
And her leg fell in  the river

[jpchenet]

Ah, all the ones are recycling in a slightly different format.

Like Heather is going to use part of her divorce settlement to buy her own plane!

But she'll still use a Ladyshave on the other leg!!