The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[moped boy]

Beer drinking
Whether one is "shipwrecked" or just plain "wrecked", perhaps the following words of wisdom might help one stay at or near the surface.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[Nordic]

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that enough
was enough, as they could not afford any more. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
 "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a  banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"
At this point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he  could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales...

[Steve Pyro]

Words of wisdom -

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
 
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
 
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
 
Life is sexually transmitted.
 
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
 
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
 
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
 
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
 
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
 
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
 
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
 
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?  
 
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[Ferrari Spider]

  http://www.bangkokbob.net/beer.html  

have a look here, they must have some sort of endurance race?

I once went into a bar in Pattaya, Phuket, and ordered a Heineken, the British manager said " We don't sell that in here, we only have decent beer" to which i replied  "That'll be a novelty then, I'll have a bottle of "decent beer", to which he replied  "F*** off", so i did!

[Nordic]

Bravery

Bravery - is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying off somewhere?"

 

True Bravery - is coming home late, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick
on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and saying, "You're next."

[garystout]

Now that one i like,

[smokie]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of Euros for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted €10 and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man
  asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."


"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"


"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.


“Will you use it to go to the Greatest Motor Race in the World?”

“To spend a week in a field in France? No way!!”


"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, motor racing and women."

[Stu]

Prepare to be hypnotised.
Click on the pic and drag around then click again.


http://mysite.verizon.net/philsackett/temp/hypno.html

[johnevans3]

That was a good one Smokie.  I sent that one, revised a bit, to two friends who are going to the Indy 500 with me.  I know it will crack them up.  Thanks for the joke...??  No, it's not a joke, it's probably closer to the truth than we may think.

[DavidsDad]

It's a few minutes before Sunday service. Without warning, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running for an exit, trampling on each other in a bid to escape evil incarnate. Everyone except for one elderly gentleman, that is. He sits calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him. Satan walks right up to the old man and says: "Don't you know who I am?" The man replies: "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't," says the old man. "Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asks Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," retorts the old man, in an even tone. "Don't you realise that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persists Satan. "Yep," is the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?" "No." Pertubed, Satan asks: "Well why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks Satan right in the eye and calmly replies: "Been married to your sister for 52 years."

[jpchenet]

Stole this from the ALMS Forum

[Neil]

Thought Moped Boy would like this one.

[Robspot]

Moped Boy? Surely you mean Aled Jones!

[Neil]

I'm sure there's not that many women who read this forum, if so your not all bad or is that
 mad!!!!!

Car Accident


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."



MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them

[stuey]

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?