The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[smokie]

Two from Pidge (who dares not post his jokes here after he got told off once!!)
________________________________________________________________

I went into the gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

________________________________________________________________

"What the American people have seen is this incredible disparity in which those people who had cars and money got out and those people who were impoverished died."

-- Ted Kennedy on Hurricane Katrina
 

"Ditto"

-- Mary Jo Kopechne

[ecurie]

Nice one.

http://www.funnynation.be/filmpjes_details.php?ID=20

[johnevans3]

Onions & Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
 
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After sixty they are like onions."
 
"Onions?"
 
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
 
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
 
"A Christmas tree?"
 
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
 

[BigH]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" president Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"

[jpchenet]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"Oh, no!" president Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"

Read The Times today H??

[garystout]

Two old men sat in deck chairs, one said "its nice out, isnt it" the other said "yes, but put it away, theres a policeman coming"

[jpchenet]

Kate Moss meets Jeremy Clarkson at London Premier.

"I'm a Supermodel" says Kate, "Who are you?"

" I do Top Gear" says Clarkson.

Kate says "Great, I'll have 4 raps!"

[Bob U]

Her favourite TV show is     

"Who's line is it anyway?"

[SteveZarse]

This is an extract from the latest Mills and Boon Novel. With writing like this there really is no need for pictures.


"We met in our secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

"We lay there, both as nature had intended. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.

"Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

"Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

"Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, 'Baa' before rejoining the flock."

(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)

[Doris]

(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)

No it's not.  I'm fairly sure you can pick one up in Wales as well.

[skorpio]

(This book is only for sale in New Zealand)

No it's not.  I'm fairly sure you can pick one up in Wales as well.

----------------------------------

  No, sorry, it's been banned in Wales,too explicit     {and too accurate  }

[neilsie]

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon
Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
 
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
 
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He
went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
 
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one
more time just to be sure he is OK?"
 
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and
looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous
sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
 
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice
down there in Hell," says Jeff.
 
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the
keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."

[Steve Pyro]

A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's lift.

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She looks arrogantly at the old lady and says, "Georgio, £100 an ounce."

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. In an effort to outdo she turns to the two other women and says,  "Chanel, £150 an ounce."

The old lady had just about enough of this showing off and as she arrives at her floor, the doors open, she looks at the two young ladies, bends over picks up her bags and farts and says, ............"Broccoli, 49 pence a pound."

[Werner]

Story with a moral

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have
a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival
knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break
and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!!"

[Werner]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them
up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they
send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat
disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he
went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that
the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We
collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and
then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick