The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[neilsie]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a
woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with
that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?" to which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then
with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands
in, and then I slowly but surely stretch,
until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gu n and park him behind
a bridge..."

[jpchenet]

A new style of trainers have been released specifically aimed at the lesbian market.

Called "Nikes 4 Dykes" they come with an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger.

[Steve Pyro]

WIFE: "If I died, would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Of course not!"

WIFE: "No? Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do!!!"

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Alright, I would."

WIFE (looking hurtful): "You would?"

HUSBAND: "I would, but only because it was so good with you."

WIFE: "And you'd sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would you want us to sleep?"

WIFE: "And you'd replace all my photographs with hers?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, it's only natural, I guess."

WIFE: "And she'd use my car?"

HUSBAND: "No. She can't drive."

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND: "Oh F***!"

[Steve Pyro]

A plane has just left Stansted Airport for Spain when a blonde in economy  class gets up from her seat and moves up to the First Class section and  takes a empty seat.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she has only got a economy class fare and that she will have to return to that section.  The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Spain and I'm staying here".

The flight attendant tries to talk her round but to no avail so she reports the situation to the flight deck.

After a few minutes the co-pilot arrives at First Class section to speak with the blonde. Her explains that she can not use the First Class facility holding only an economy class ticket, and that she must move back.  The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Spain and I'm staying right here".

Exasperated the co-pilot reports back to the Captain stating that it was no good and he thinks that they should have the police waiting for her on arrival.

The Captain says, "You say she's blonde with an Essex accent, white high heel shoes etc".  "I'll handle this, I'm married to an Essex blonde and I speak blonde".   He makes his way to the blonde and on arrival, whispers in her ear, and she say's "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea,"'gets up and moves back to the economy class.

The flight attendant and the co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he had said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied,  "I told her the First Class section isn't going to Spain"

[Rhino]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the pub, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! - A torso pops out!

The pub is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" But the bartender still
shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.

The pub goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The
bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink
and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.

The pub is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and
tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says... "That boy should have quit while he was a head!"

 

[jpchenet]

I think I knew hom Rhino.

When he was younger his parents would take great pleasure in wrapping up his Christmas present and placing it under the tree, only for the the son to turn around on Christmas Day and ask "It's not another bloody hat is it?"

And when he was at school he joined the swimming team. In his first race the starter fired the pistol and the head just rolled off the starting block and sunk to the bottom of the pool. The lifeguards pulled him out and the fathger rushed over and shouted "are you alright" and the son replied "yeah, I just got cramp!"

[Doris]

How do you get a fat bird into your bed?











Piece of cake!

[Rhino]

Advantages of older women having a baby, no need to take the baby out the cot when breastfeeding.

[johnevans3]

Doncha just want to do this sometimes?

http://tinyurl.com/9pmnz

[Andy Zarse]

Doncha just want to do this sometimes?

http://tinyurl.com/9pmnz

What? sign up for MSN? 

[johnevans3]

Well,,,,it didn't work just right.  Wrong one, will try again.  Sorry about that..

http://www.funny.co.uk/fun-and-games/art_170-1273-Funny-Video-Clip-Penguin-Tripping-Penguin.html

[mgmark]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
 
MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, “It's Homepride, isn't it?
           
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.   An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.   As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
 
WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.   The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.  The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
 
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 0500 for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and therefore LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 0500."   He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 0900 and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 0500. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[Bobblehat]

Isnt it a shame that after two Pope John Pauls, they could not of called the next  Pope, George Ringo.

[johnevans3]

A little early for this but it's only two months away.

http://www.flashfunpages..com/couple.swf

[amazing 1]

I think I knew hom Rhino.

When he was younger his parents would take great pleasure in wrapping up his Christmas present and placing it under the tree, only for the the son to turn around on Christmas Day and ask "It's not another bloody hat is it?"

And when he was at school he joined the swimming team. In his first race the starter fired the pistol and the head just rolled off the starting block and sunk to the bottom of the pool. The lifeguards pulled him out and the fathger rushed over and shouted "are you alright" and the son replied "yeah, I just got cramp!"

ROTFLMAO!

Mark you are a sick man.