The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Werner]

A beer before it starts!

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Woman, Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long ?"


The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t, it's started!"

[Lawnmower Man]

Thisis a bit old but I don't recall seeing it here before.  :-) 

IS HELL EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHEMIC?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, '...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.

[Werner]

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like shaggin' a kangaroo... I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

[Bob U]

The Government in Vietnam has banned Christmas lights this year.

A spokesman said, They would be hanging Glitter instead.

[Steve Pyro]

Mandatory Office Equipment - a must

http://www.bassfiles.net/MandatoryOfficeEquipment.htm

[DavidsDad]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that she had caused: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary... Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old, and both of you still believe in genies?"
 

[Doris]

AHHH, A happy marriage!!!!!

 
Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.  These last two weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.  Last week
you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done,
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.  You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the
game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore.  Whatever
the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was,"You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

[Snoring Rhino]

A young lad parks in a Disabled Parking spot.
A Policeman notice's that he seems to be quite fit, so walks up and asks him what his disability is?
Young man replies...
                                 
                                 Terrets - F**K OFF

[pretzel]

A young lad parks in a Disabled Parking spot.
A Policeman notice's that he seems to be quite fit, so walks up and asks him what his disability is?
Young man replies...
                                 
                                 Terrets - F**K OFF

Was he dyslexic as well?

[garystout]

Im sorry but this one needs explaining to me 

[jpchenet]

Im sorry but this one needs explaining to me 

Tourettes is a condition where sufferers involountarily swear uncontrollably!

Dan..........where's Gary??

[Snoring Rhino]

A young lad parks in a Disabled Parking spot.
A Policeman notice's that he seems to be quite fit, so walks up and asks him what his disability is?
Young man replies...
                                 
                                 Terrets - F**K OFF

Was he dyslexic as well?

No, the F***king B****ard just couldnt spell!!!!

[Werner]

It is only a small error

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would
be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." So he goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of
years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his
head against the wall and wailing "We forgot the 'R', We forgot the
'R'". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a
choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is 'celebrate'."

[Doris]

Why do women live longer than men?












Because they don't have wives.

[Paddy_NL]

Why do women live longer than men?

because women don't get hiddiously drunk at meetings, and look like this the following morning>>