The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread

[Fran]

That is one of the scariest things i have seen in a long time! 

[Doris]

Why do women live longer than men?

because women don't get hiddiously drunk at meetings, and look like this the following morning>>

I beg to differ...

[Werner]

European Alert Levels -


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings. The
official warning level has just been raised from "miffed" to "peeved."
Soon, though, the levels may be raised yet again to "irritated" or even
"a bit cross." Londoners have not been at "a bit cross" since the Blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance." The last time a
"bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was during the Great Fire in
1666.


Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two
higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The rise
was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing their military capability.


It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. The
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and
excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing." Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides."


The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful
arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have
two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose."


Seeing this reaction in Continental Europe, the Americans have gone
from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the Middle East
ripe for regime change." Their remaining higher alert states are
"attack the world" and "beg the British for help."

[Steve Pyro]

Ten Best Things to Say if you get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk:
 
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
 
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
 
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
 
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
 
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
 
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
 
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big funding problem."
 
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
 
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"
 
AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
 
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen".

[DavidsDad]

You've probably seen this before, but it made me smile anyway.

Apolgies to anyone of the French persuasion. 


Four people are in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young  blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes pitch dark when the train goes through a tunnel.

In the blackness there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.


The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."


The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up  soon so I can slap that French bloke again."
 

[Gilles]

that's the reason why I prefer not to walk into campsites at night !!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[Neal]

With apologies to our French members. Go to Google, type in French Military Victories, and hit I feel lucky

[Kpy]

Now try HONEST GEORGE BUSH and hit I'm feeling lucky.

[Bob U]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and then looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks him "Is your date running late?"

"No" he replies "Q has given me this state-of-art watch, I was just testing it"

The intrigued woman says "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

Bond explains "It uses Alpha Waves to talk to me telepathically"

The lady says "Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers"

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers"

Bond taps his watch, smirks and says "Bloody thing, it's five minutes fast"

[Steve Pyro]

A scouser walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a job." 

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her  on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.  You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The  starting salary is £200,000 a year plus a generous pension scheme" 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullsh**ttin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[hgb]

Sorry Steve but I think it's time to introduce the time line. 

[johnevans3]

 Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends." Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say Father, please." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Brydie Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I will not! name her." "Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?" "My lips are sealed, Father." "Was it Fiona McDonald then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

      Tommy walks back to his pew.

      His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

      "Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[johnevans3]

When a woman wears leather

clothing, ........

a man's heart beats

quicker, his throat gets dry,

he goes weak

in the knees

and he begins

to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?
*
*

*

*

*
Because she smells like a new truck.

[johnevans3]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening

with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. "

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you
can call the

Bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,"
he said.



Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.



"There's no money in that account."



"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[Nordic]

Chav nativity



There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit   He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep
an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO