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Author Topic: The (Unrelated To Le Mans) Joke Thread  (Read 937985 times)
Martini...LB
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« Reply #810 on: March 27, 2006, 07:59:12 pm »

I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad Cheesy
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.

Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

At least that and living in bl**dy close proximity  Grin Grin

BTW who is SARAH

Isn't that something to do with A RASH, perhaps that is where it all starts.

Martini...
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l'abus d'alcool est dangereux pour la santé , à consommer avec modération
Barry
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Kick out the jams, motherf*ckers!


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« Reply #811 on: March 27, 2006, 08:39:04 pm »

A True Story


I was visiting PC World following the meltdown of our ancient computer, researching what was available.
I asked one of the oiks working there what was the difference between ordinary dvd rw's and dual layer dvd rw's.
He pointed to a CPU with 2 disc drives and said ' thats a dual layer dvd, one dvd drive sits above the other'.

Motto of this story is that you probably know more about computers, even if you are a little computer illiterate like me, than most of the staff at PC World.
 
Did I buy? Like hell, I went back to the company that has supplied our previous two machines.
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Snoring Rhino
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« Reply #812 on: March 27, 2006, 09:08:47 pm »

I see one of our American colleagues will not be crossing the pond this year to LM because of the bird flu in France.

Is it that bad Cheesy
I thought you had to have intimate contact to catch it.


Well we never got mad cow disease, I can get the waders out again.

HARAS

At least that and living in bl**dy close proximity  Grin Grin

BTW who is SARAH

Is that a virtual version of writing a girls name on your pencil case at junior school Wink
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Lawnmower Man
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« Reply #813 on: March 27, 2006, 11:21:08 pm »


He pointed to a CPU with 2 disc drives and said ' thats a dual layer dvd, one dvd drive sits above the other'.

I have a similar experiance a few years ago in Curry's.   

Looking at TVs and the salesman told me all of the sets were "Modulated"!
I thought thats a bit strange I dnot know much about how TVs work  but I knew enough to know that the Signal is Modulated in some way.  (Like FM = Freqyency Modulation and AM = Amplitude Modulation).  So I quizzed him about what it ment.   He explained that the set were made of modules that could easily and quickly be replaced. 

Oh you mean "MODULAR"!  Needless to say I left ppretty quickly without making a purchase.

t.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2006, 12:58:29 am by smokie » Logged

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johnevans3
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« Reply #814 on: April 01, 2006, 10:11:32 pm »

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HER

8:15  Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30  Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45  Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15  Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife--she has gained 30 lbs
1:00   Shopping with friends--unlimited credit
3:00   Nap
4:15   Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30   Pick out outfit for dinner; prim before mirror
7:30   Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00  Hot shower (alone)
10:30  Make love
11:00  Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15  Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY--FOR HIM
6:00   Alarm
6:15   Blowjob
6:30   Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00   Breakfast:  filet mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30   Limo arrives
7:45   Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15   Private chopper to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30   Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45   Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under)
2:15   Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30   Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15   Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30   Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00   Private jet home (massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy
Ireland)
6:45   sh*t, shower and shave
7:00   Watch CNN newsflash:  Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm
animal video released and authenticated)
7:30   Dinner:  lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon, 20 oz. New York Strip
Steak
9:00   Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30   Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50  12 second, 4 note fart--dog leaves room
11:55  Sleep
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johnevans3
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« Reply #815 on: April 01, 2006, 10:38:53 pm »

Careful there Shocked Shocked Shocked

http://www.crainium.net/jdjArchives/2005/10/choose_your_und.html#more
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johnevans3
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« Reply #816 on: April 05, 2006, 08:24:29 pm »

It's time to revive this....

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village.  An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
Not very long, answered the Mexican.
But then why didn't you stay out longer and carch more fish?  asked the American.
The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife.  In the evenings, I go to the villiage to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs....I have a full life.
The American interrupted, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!  You should start by fishing longer every day.  You can then sell the extra fish you catch.  With the extra money, you can buy a bigger boat.
And after that? asked the Mexican.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.  Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.  You can then leave this little villiage and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!  From there you can direct your hugh new enterprise.
How long would that take? asked the Mexican
Twenty or twenty five years, replied the American.
And after that?
Afterwards?  Well my friend, That's when it really gets interesting, answered the American.  When your business really gets big, you can start selling stocks and make millions.
Millions? Really, and after that? said the Mexican.
After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny villiage near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends said the American.

The moral of the story is:  Know where you are going in life....you may already be there.
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Barry
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« Reply #817 on: April 06, 2006, 05:37:48 pm »

An early happy Easter


* pic20337.jpg (21.15 KB, 500x333 - viewed 496 times.)
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johnevans3
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« Reply #818 on: April 07, 2006, 03:01:07 pm »

After seeing JP's picture post of the fisherman, I thought we needed a break.  Click on the picture to play the song.

http://www.brakar.com/20/wife-meets-girlfriend.html
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DelBoy
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« Reply #819 on: April 07, 2006, 03:05:01 pm »

After seeing JP's picture post of the fisherman, I thought we needed a break.  Click on the picture to play the song.

http://www.brakar.com/20/wife-meets-girlfriend.html

Duff link there, John.

Del
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johnevans3
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« Reply #820 on: April 07, 2006, 03:23:49 pm »

Hey Delboy, please translate "duff".  It's not in my dictionary.  Thanks.
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garystout
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« Reply #821 on: April 07, 2006, 03:36:07 pm »

"DUFF"  means dud or dosnt work properly
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Bob U
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« Reply #822 on: April 07, 2006, 04:12:28 pm »

Not to Homer Simpson it dosn't. It means BEEEEERRR  Tongue


* duff.jpg (4.13 KB, 124x87 - viewed 356 times.)
« Last Edit: April 07, 2006, 04:19:32 pm by BOB U » Logged

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johnevans3
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« Reply #823 on: April 11, 2006, 08:47:00 pm »

Top Seventeen Country & Western Songs

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

 

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

 

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

 

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

 

6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure

 

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One song . . .


1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
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Muzorewa
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« Reply #824 on: April 12, 2006, 08:30:40 am »

You forgot these gems:

Of course I want you for your body, I've got a mind of my own

Life's like a bed of roses, full of pricks

You don't know what a man is 'till you've had to shoot one

I called my Grand-daddy Grandpa, but I should have called him Dad

I became a schizophrenic so I could love you twice as much

Don't tell me you're single, I've slept with your wife

And the best of all:

Is my ring too tight for your finger?

 Roll Eyes
« Last Edit: April 12, 2006, 08:48:30 am by Muzorewa » Logged
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